(no subject)
breathe ... stretch ... shake ... let it go
yeah. is it wrong that i like Mase? cuz I do. i think. it's hard to know with rappers if i like them or not, because i only really hear the commerically released stuff. but i like the video anyway. so... yeah. i like corny rappers. for the most part.
courage is an odd thing. i don't know if it's true that i have any or not. i have to force myself to do stuff, talk myself into so much... giving parties, making phone calls, the trip to Dallas, going to the spa, moving to ATL, going to Vegas... i have control issues, i know this. i hate the whole blind faith thing. all i can do is what i think is best, and then wait on the outcome. and since i have no patience, waiting for outcomes generally sucks.
if i had my choice, i would probably cocoon myself away inside my home on a beach somewhere far away where no-one knows me and nothing is required of me. no expectations, no disappointments. i know that it is none of my business what people think of me... i know that it doesn't matter if people like me or not... and yet. it bothers me anyway.
take phone calls, for instance. see. i need to call Wali. I mean, he's my freaking Uncle, older than me by only 15 years, and we were close once. but i dread it. what the hell will we talk about? Aunt Sharon? i want to let him know that i care and all, but... honestly with Wallace, conversation is an effort, because i feel as if he is one of the people who judge me and finds me lacking. he thinks i should finish school. i get the feeling it bothers him that i have no intention of doing so, and no amount of reproach from him will change my mind. he thinks i shouldn't be so hard on the family. i should accept the dysfunction, and just somehow let the bullshit roll off of my back as it occurs. but i'm not built that way, i can't do that. i want to feel safe and accepted when i am with people i love. i do not want to feel defensive, i do not want to always be on guard.
people have this vague idea of me, i think, and then, when they are faced with reality, their disappointment shows. i don't think i have ever felt truly accepted or cared for by Wallace. when i was a kid, he made fun of my voice because i 'talked white'. when i became an adult, he made fun of me because i moved to SA, where there are notoriously few Black people. when he heard about Paul, he nearly shit a brick. to this day, he swears that me and Balde were an item-- and i mean, why bother to explain that yeah, so what, i like men. Black, White, Brown, Whatever. does it matter? how do i talk to someone who has the wrong opinion of me? why should i talk to someone like that? i do not think that i should, and so i don't.
which is why so many people have the wrong opinion of me. i'll let them have their misconceptions, and move on. like with Ria. i mean, is it really worth it? really? to try to allow someone to get to know the real me when they might end up disliking me anyway? what's the point of letting people in, then? it takes courage to do that! i'd rather have someone dislike me on GP, without knowing who i truly am, than have someone i've begun to care about and like a lot decide that suddenly they find me lacking. that hurts too much.
which is not to say that i hide my true personality. i do not think that i could do that even if i wanted to. i'm just more... i dunno, non-responsive? to people i don't like. or more accurately, i'm non-responsive to people i don't trust. and i don't trust Wallace. i don't trust many of my family, if any of them. i can't trust them not to hurt me. i can't even trust them not to hurt each other.
so. i wonder if my trust issues make me a coward. and if it's behavior i should attempt to modify.
yeah. is it wrong that i like Mase? cuz I do. i think. it's hard to know with rappers if i like them or not, because i only really hear the commerically released stuff. but i like the video anyway. so... yeah. i like corny rappers. for the most part.
courage is an odd thing. i don't know if it's true that i have any or not. i have to force myself to do stuff, talk myself into so much... giving parties, making phone calls, the trip to Dallas, going to the spa, moving to ATL, going to Vegas... i have control issues, i know this. i hate the whole blind faith thing. all i can do is what i think is best, and then wait on the outcome. and since i have no patience, waiting for outcomes generally sucks.
if i had my choice, i would probably cocoon myself away inside my home on a beach somewhere far away where no-one knows me and nothing is required of me. no expectations, no disappointments. i know that it is none of my business what people think of me... i know that it doesn't matter if people like me or not... and yet. it bothers me anyway.
take phone calls, for instance. see. i need to call Wali. I mean, he's my freaking Uncle, older than me by only 15 years, and we were close once. but i dread it. what the hell will we talk about? Aunt Sharon? i want to let him know that i care and all, but... honestly with Wallace, conversation is an effort, because i feel as if he is one of the people who judge me and finds me lacking. he thinks i should finish school. i get the feeling it bothers him that i have no intention of doing so, and no amount of reproach from him will change my mind. he thinks i shouldn't be so hard on the family. i should accept the dysfunction, and just somehow let the bullshit roll off of my back as it occurs. but i'm not built that way, i can't do that. i want to feel safe and accepted when i am with people i love. i do not want to feel defensive, i do not want to always be on guard.
people have this vague idea of me, i think, and then, when they are faced with reality, their disappointment shows. i don't think i have ever felt truly accepted or cared for by Wallace. when i was a kid, he made fun of my voice because i 'talked white'. when i became an adult, he made fun of me because i moved to SA, where there are notoriously few Black people. when he heard about Paul, he nearly shit a brick. to this day, he swears that me and Balde were an item-- and i mean, why bother to explain that yeah, so what, i like men. Black, White, Brown, Whatever. does it matter? how do i talk to someone who has the wrong opinion of me? why should i talk to someone like that? i do not think that i should, and so i don't.
which is why so many people have the wrong opinion of me. i'll let them have their misconceptions, and move on. like with Ria. i mean, is it really worth it? really? to try to allow someone to get to know the real me when they might end up disliking me anyway? what's the point of letting people in, then? it takes courage to do that! i'd rather have someone dislike me on GP, without knowing who i truly am, than have someone i've begun to care about and like a lot decide that suddenly they find me lacking. that hurts too much.
which is not to say that i hide my true personality. i do not think that i could do that even if i wanted to. i'm just more... i dunno, non-responsive? to people i don't like. or more accurately, i'm non-responsive to people i don't trust. and i don't trust Wallace. i don't trust many of my family, if any of them. i can't trust them not to hurt me. i can't even trust them not to hurt each other.
so. i wonder if my trust issues make me a coward. and if it's behavior i should attempt to modify.