❧ thirteenth: spirals
I've talked with my parents (again) about how miserable I am about law school and they told me that if I really want to pursue something different, that if I really want to quit law school, I can and they will continue to support me for whatever I do next. If I want to go into teaching, they would help with the tuition or whatever if necessary. If I want to just get a job, they'll help me with that, too.
I know I always blame them (and myself) for being in law school to begin with, but I've always known they would still help and support whatever I decided. I knew that, but I believed otherwise.
And therein lies my problem. I know many things. I realize the reality of things. But even when I do, I get a mental block of believing something completely different and harmful to me. I'll believe that what I know isn't right and that in actuality they will be disappointed and I will be disappointed and blah blah blah.
Dad wants me happy. I always get defensive but I know he wants me happy. I know my parents love me. I know my brother loves me. I know Clark loves me. I know all my friends love me.
I know that compared to many people I've had a fortunate and blessed life. We're in great financial standing, I've never been abused, never suffered any real traumatic experience (except Italy. having one's precious teddy stolen while in a foreign country is still traumatic dammit.), the only "drama" I ever had was probably between my two best friends but we all came out all right, have a wonderful romantic partner, never was bullied, always been respected, finished high school, finished college, in law school and can afford it without scholarship (not that it wouldn't hurt mind you)-to be honest I have no reason to feel miserable.
And yet I still do. Because of myself. I'm making myself miserable and I know it. I could always look at my experience in law school as a great thing even if I don't go into a law. I could be viewing it as an experience and gaining skills that could be applied elsewhere. Instead I view it in a glass very much half empty and think it's a waste of time and I should be doing something else.
I'm a negative person. I'm a cowardly person. I'm a person who feels guilt for no apparent reason.
But most of all?
I'm normal.
I know that I'm normal and I don't believe myself to be a "special case." And that, my friends, is yet another stick in the wound.
It sucks knowing that you're arguably being petty and whiny when you shouldn't yet also know that it's okay to be petty and whiny because what I am and my standards don't matter even compared to someone else who is better or worse off.
I just eat myself alive. And I know I do it. And I want to stop it. But it doesn't stop. So I feel worse.
BUT.
But.
A lot of it is because I've been a coward and afraid to actually do anything. I've mentioned this a lot. Just go back through all my entries and you'll see this same thing over and over again. Has anything changed? No. The evidence is clear. I say I'll do something and does it happen? Not really, no.
So here I am, once again, making a resolution of some kind to get myself "fixed." And by fixed I really mean just get myself sorted and take some kind of step forward rather than do the stagnant shuffle.
After I turn in my paper I'll be making an appointment with the Career Services here. Then next week I'll make an appointment with the counselor. I'd do it today or tomorrow, but Faulkner is weird and split the Spring Break up into two parts (the law school got off last week and this week is the main school's break. /shrug).
A lot of my problem is I just don't know. My default answer to a question about my opinion? "I don't know." I don't know what I would do if I quit law school now or even if I graduate with a JD next year. I only know I don't want to be a practicing lawyer of any kind. I believe that I just wouldn't be a very good fit no matter what people say. I believe that because of how I am now and how I've always been. But talking to both counselors as well as doing some more research this weekend may help.
I think I'll feel better if I have a better footing on what I want to do within the year or two. I know Dad says I shouldn't stress out about it because I don't know what will happen. For all I know jobs could fall through and I could be stuck unemployed.
But I'm less concerned about the end result and more of the beginning of the next step. If I at least know what kind of general goal to aim for, I'll feel better. Right now, I don't. I don't even have a date set for my wedding yet and people have been asking me for a while now. I didn't plan on deciding until summer.
I have a lot of unnecessary worries and burdens. I know that. I try to get rid of them but it's hard.
But I really am miserable. Not depressed. Just...well I mean, in general my life is "fine" but underneath it I'm not happy. I'm so far down the apathetic scale right now. Much more than I used to be. Which I know is pointless since I have very many good reasons to be happy. Which of course only makes me more "not happy". But I just need a change. I need. Something. Something to make me look forward to. Something to help ease the burden of law school even if I stick with it.
Which I might. I mean I have a year-granting I don't fail (see, negative attitude).
I just...need the courage to do it. Even now I'm kind of scared of just sending a simple e-mail asking if I can set up an appointment. I'm scared of making the phone call. But I have to. I know that. I yell at myself for being such a stupid coward who can't act on her own. I'll do it for anyone else but for myself? Nuh uh.
I really need to get off this spiral.
This entry was originally posted on my DW journal here.
I know I always blame them (and myself) for being in law school to begin with, but I've always known they would still help and support whatever I decided. I knew that, but I believed otherwise.
And therein lies my problem. I know many things. I realize the reality of things. But even when I do, I get a mental block of believing something completely different and harmful to me. I'll believe that what I know isn't right and that in actuality they will be disappointed and I will be disappointed and blah blah blah.
Dad wants me happy. I always get defensive but I know he wants me happy. I know my parents love me. I know my brother loves me. I know Clark loves me. I know all my friends love me.
I know that compared to many people I've had a fortunate and blessed life. We're in great financial standing, I've never been abused, never suffered any real traumatic experience (except Italy. having one's precious teddy stolen while in a foreign country is still traumatic dammit.), the only "drama" I ever had was probably between my two best friends but we all came out all right, have a wonderful romantic partner, never was bullied, always been respected, finished high school, finished college, in law school and can afford it without scholarship (not that it wouldn't hurt mind you)-to be honest I have no reason to feel miserable.
And yet I still do. Because of myself. I'm making myself miserable and I know it. I could always look at my experience in law school as a great thing even if I don't go into a law. I could be viewing it as an experience and gaining skills that could be applied elsewhere. Instead I view it in a glass very much half empty and think it's a waste of time and I should be doing something else.
I'm a negative person. I'm a cowardly person. I'm a person who feels guilt for no apparent reason.
But most of all?
I'm normal.
I know that I'm normal and I don't believe myself to be a "special case." And that, my friends, is yet another stick in the wound.
It sucks knowing that you're arguably being petty and whiny when you shouldn't yet also know that it's okay to be petty and whiny because what I am and my standards don't matter even compared to someone else who is better or worse off.
I just eat myself alive. And I know I do it. And I want to stop it. But it doesn't stop. So I feel worse.
BUT.
But.
A lot of it is because I've been a coward and afraid to actually do anything. I've mentioned this a lot. Just go back through all my entries and you'll see this same thing over and over again. Has anything changed? No. The evidence is clear. I say I'll do something and does it happen? Not really, no.
So here I am, once again, making a resolution of some kind to get myself "fixed." And by fixed I really mean just get myself sorted and take some kind of step forward rather than do the stagnant shuffle.
After I turn in my paper I'll be making an appointment with the Career Services here. Then next week I'll make an appointment with the counselor. I'd do it today or tomorrow, but Faulkner is weird and split the Spring Break up into two parts (the law school got off last week and this week is the main school's break. /shrug).
A lot of my problem is I just don't know. My default answer to a question about my opinion? "I don't know." I don't know what I would do if I quit law school now or even if I graduate with a JD next year. I only know I don't want to be a practicing lawyer of any kind. I believe that I just wouldn't be a very good fit no matter what people say. I believe that because of how I am now and how I've always been. But talking to both counselors as well as doing some more research this weekend may help.
I think I'll feel better if I have a better footing on what I want to do within the year or two. I know Dad says I shouldn't stress out about it because I don't know what will happen. For all I know jobs could fall through and I could be stuck unemployed.
But I'm less concerned about the end result and more of the beginning of the next step. If I at least know what kind of general goal to aim for, I'll feel better. Right now, I don't. I don't even have a date set for my wedding yet and people have been asking me for a while now. I didn't plan on deciding until summer.
I have a lot of unnecessary worries and burdens. I know that. I try to get rid of them but it's hard.
But I really am miserable. Not depressed. Just...well I mean, in general my life is "fine" but underneath it I'm not happy. I'm so far down the apathetic scale right now. Much more than I used to be. Which I know is pointless since I have very many good reasons to be happy. Which of course only makes me more "not happy". But I just need a change. I need. Something. Something to make me look forward to. Something to help ease the burden of law school even if I stick with it.
Which I might. I mean I have a year-granting I don't fail (see, negative attitude).
I just...need the courage to do it. Even now I'm kind of scared of just sending a simple e-mail asking if I can set up an appointment. I'm scared of making the phone call. But I have to. I know that. I yell at myself for being such a stupid coward who can't act on her own. I'll do it for anyone else but for myself? Nuh uh.
I really need to get off this spiral.
This entry was originally posted on my DW journal here.