❧ fourteenth: one little step forward
Well today I felt...better. Despite that entry I wrote earlier today.
Dad kind of. Pushed me to play the piano. Playing the piano has been one of my "anxiety" issues. I put that in quotes because to be honest I'm not sure how much it really fits. All I know is, every time I even look at it or stand near it I get nervous and want to run away from it. I played maybe three times all of last year and most of it during December. Today was my first time this year and it's almost the end of March.
See, I always feel pressured that I need to play it well if I play at all and I get nervous, embarrassed, feel stupid, and just all kinds of nonsensical feelings. I used to play the piano all the time but I just. Stopped. Because of these feelings.
Dad has been trying to push me to playing again and I balk every time. But tonight we played Heart and Soul together and it was if I had never stopped playing. We were having fun just being silly and then he wants me to play Pachelbel's Canon in D (it's one of his favorites). It's really not that hard even when it gets all fancy near the end, but I hadn't played that piece in like 5-6 years. So the fact that I could still play it with just some minor bumps was refreshing, reassuring, and just nice.
It was all nice.
Especially since just an hour before that my brother called and kind of lectured me in his older brotherly way. Nothing mean or bad was said, but I'm still kind of...raw? From the past few days which have been really rough for me. Crying three days in a row over the same thing is not good I don't think. But the main lecture was that I need to know what I'm doing and that I'm in this mess because I didn't plan anything after college-which is completely true and something I acknowledge. I dug this grave I'm in and now I'm just clawing to try and get out.
So...yeeeeeaaaaah after having to deal with my own self-loathing already, just being reminded how stupid I am didn't. Help. At all. It would have been different if this had been like the first time or something, but it's not. I already knew it and nothing anyone is saying is really helping. Because all they're saying is what the problem is and how it came to be. I can't blame my brother because he hasn't been there and let's face it: I don't talk about my issues much because I feel like I shouldn't.
This has been building up for a long time. Years. It's just all surfacing out right now because I'm really hitting the threshold. So I think he's under the impression that this is a "new" thing when it really isn't.
Either way, it did more harm than good to my emotional state. And then I was pissed at myself for feeling that way and had to struggle to not feel so emotional but I guess sometimes it can't be helped.
Anyway, the upshot was that playing the piano really did make me feel a little better and oddly, being able to play Canon in D, even if it's not as complex as Toccatta in D Minor or Moonlight Sonata or some other pieces, was a nice little confidence boost.
Edit: Oh yeah, today was a weird day in class and it was all because my Con Law professor was dressed causally instead of in the suits he usually wears. Fire alarm ended the class early >_>
This entry was originally posted on my DW journal here.
Dad kind of. Pushed me to play the piano. Playing the piano has been one of my "anxiety" issues. I put that in quotes because to be honest I'm not sure how much it really fits. All I know is, every time I even look at it or stand near it I get nervous and want to run away from it. I played maybe three times all of last year and most of it during December. Today was my first time this year and it's almost the end of March.
See, I always feel pressured that I need to play it well if I play at all and I get nervous, embarrassed, feel stupid, and just all kinds of nonsensical feelings. I used to play the piano all the time but I just. Stopped. Because of these feelings.
Dad has been trying to push me to playing again and I balk every time. But tonight we played Heart and Soul together and it was if I had never stopped playing. We were having fun just being silly and then he wants me to play Pachelbel's Canon in D (it's one of his favorites). It's really not that hard even when it gets all fancy near the end, but I hadn't played that piece in like 5-6 years. So the fact that I could still play it with just some minor bumps was refreshing, reassuring, and just nice.
It was all nice.
Especially since just an hour before that my brother called and kind of lectured me in his older brotherly way. Nothing mean or bad was said, but I'm still kind of...raw? From the past few days which have been really rough for me. Crying three days in a row over the same thing is not good I don't think. But the main lecture was that I need to know what I'm doing and that I'm in this mess because I didn't plan anything after college-which is completely true and something I acknowledge. I dug this grave I'm in and now I'm just clawing to try and get out.
So...yeeeeeaaaaah after having to deal with my own self-loathing already, just being reminded how stupid I am didn't. Help. At all. It would have been different if this had been like the first time or something, but it's not. I already knew it and nothing anyone is saying is really helping. Because all they're saying is what the problem is and how it came to be. I can't blame my brother because he hasn't been there and let's face it: I don't talk about my issues much because I feel like I shouldn't.
This has been building up for a long time. Years. It's just all surfacing out right now because I'm really hitting the threshold. So I think he's under the impression that this is a "new" thing when it really isn't.
Either way, it did more harm than good to my emotional state. And then I was pissed at myself for feeling that way and had to struggle to not feel so emotional but I guess sometimes it can't be helped.
Anyway, the upshot was that playing the piano really did make me feel a little better and oddly, being able to play Canon in D, even if it's not as complex as Toccatta in D Minor or Moonlight Sonata or some other pieces, was a nice little confidence boost.
Edit: Oh yeah, today was a weird day in class and it was all because my Con Law professor was dressed causally instead of in the suits he usually wears. Fire alarm ended the class early >_>
This entry was originally posted on my DW journal here.