❧ twelfth: rp musings
Bleh. I've commented on how my RP motivation has decreased over the years, and really the fact I'm still into it after 4 years (I joined my first game, laststopgakuen back in Feb '08) is amazing enough. When it comes to hobbies and the like, my interest wanes after a while. It was one of the reasons why I was hesitant to really join it to begin with but well. Here I am four years later still. And quite honestly..I don't know if I'll still be RPing within the next year or two.
While a lot of it would be because of my decreased motivation, another good chunk is just real life, which is also a big factor to my decreasing motivation. Next year will be my third year of law school, I'll be getting married, and hopefully have some kind of job whatever the hell that is. Add that to the gradual disinterest and you got a death knell for RP.
It's sad, and I'll miss writing but...I think I need to be prepared to pack up my bags and be ready to move on and away from the RP scene. It won't be NOW, but yeah. Within the next two years is what I'm estimating.
Who knows, maybe I'll still RP but I doubt it. By then a lot of my partners will have also moved on and things will have gotten older. I can't really keep up with the new things as is.
In the meantime, I'm finding myself having more and more issue trying to keep my tags and threads alive and sound dry and boring. I mean, I can tag for a while but my inspiration and spark is dimming. It's not the first time, but it's becoming increasingly more frequent. It's like when you just hit that wall where you can't do much anymore. I've taken breaks and then I'll get back in swinging...but the time I'm back in swinging is getting smaller and smaller. Even starting something fresh just seems like another "uuuuugh." moment. It's all shiny and new, but that goes away faster than usual, too.
Part of it may be because I feel like I've grown out of the loop. I'm not as close to a lot of people anymore and I've kind of put myself in that sort of "random person" zone. Yeah we can tag and have threads, but lasting relationships? I'd want it but for some reason I keep feeling I'm playing more like that random game NPC instead of like a main character. That all my threads are just incidental throwaways.
Really I have no one to blame but myself, and I do blame myself. I just don't know how the hell this happened and it kind of sucks.
And then there's my writing, sob. I just feel like I'm having issues trying to hold up casual/idle conversations. Of course I fail at that in real life, too, but things are starting to sound stilted and not interesting if I get stuck in a simple thread. I'm fine in any other type of thread but when it comes to "How's the weather?" I got nothing to keep it engaging. I've lost the "fun" in my writing I think.
RP used to be fun. I mean, it still is, but it's also...well. I already said I've grown disinterested. But in the good ol' days, I would get hyped up about tags and threads and posts. Be willing to tag like fifty people at once and throw them all out on the fly. I was Speedy McTagger man. But now it's like "Oh...tag. ..../goes to get." :\
And maybe this is just a side effect of how I feel IRL. I feel like every day something is weighing me down. Like a cloud hanging over my head. My brain always feels tired and I just want to lie down and stare at nothing. I don't feel fresh. I don't feel young. I'm only 25 so I'm not that old (despite my constant "I'M OOOOLD D8" claims). I feel...
Like some kind of waste or burden. Well not emotionally. I mean I don't feel depressed, but I guess if that's how I had to put it, that's the closest I can think of. All gray. Which in itself is kind of depressing but...well. Not really sure how else to say it.
I probably need something new in my life but I have no clue what. Should also probably go outside more, but I can't seem to get the drive or see a reason for that either.
Meh.
That's all it is.
Meh _._
This entry was originally posted on my DW journal here.
While a lot of it would be because of my decreased motivation, another good chunk is just real life, which is also a big factor to my decreasing motivation. Next year will be my third year of law school, I'll be getting married, and hopefully have some kind of job whatever the hell that is. Add that to the gradual disinterest and you got a death knell for RP.
It's sad, and I'll miss writing but...I think I need to be prepared to pack up my bags and be ready to move on and away from the RP scene. It won't be NOW, but yeah. Within the next two years is what I'm estimating.
Who knows, maybe I'll still RP but I doubt it. By then a lot of my partners will have also moved on and things will have gotten older. I can't really keep up with the new things as is.
In the meantime, I'm finding myself having more and more issue trying to keep my tags and threads alive and sound dry and boring. I mean, I can tag for a while but my inspiration and spark is dimming. It's not the first time, but it's becoming increasingly more frequent. It's like when you just hit that wall where you can't do much anymore. I've taken breaks and then I'll get back in swinging...but the time I'm back in swinging is getting smaller and smaller. Even starting something fresh just seems like another "uuuuugh." moment. It's all shiny and new, but that goes away faster than usual, too.
Part of it may be because I feel like I've grown out of the loop. I'm not as close to a lot of people anymore and I've kind of put myself in that sort of "random person" zone. Yeah we can tag and have threads, but lasting relationships? I'd want it but for some reason I keep feeling I'm playing more like that random game NPC instead of like a main character. That all my threads are just incidental throwaways.
Really I have no one to blame but myself, and I do blame myself. I just don't know how the hell this happened and it kind of sucks.
And then there's my writing, sob. I just feel like I'm having issues trying to hold up casual/idle conversations. Of course I fail at that in real life, too, but things are starting to sound stilted and not interesting if I get stuck in a simple thread. I'm fine in any other type of thread but when it comes to "How's the weather?" I got nothing to keep it engaging. I've lost the "fun" in my writing I think.
RP used to be fun. I mean, it still is, but it's also...well. I already said I've grown disinterested. But in the good ol' days, I would get hyped up about tags and threads and posts. Be willing to tag like fifty people at once and throw them all out on the fly. I was Speedy McTagger man. But now it's like "Oh...tag. ..../goes to get." :\
And maybe this is just a side effect of how I feel IRL. I feel like every day something is weighing me down. Like a cloud hanging over my head. My brain always feels tired and I just want to lie down and stare at nothing. I don't feel fresh. I don't feel young. I'm only 25 so I'm not that old (despite my constant "I'M OOOOLD D8" claims). I feel...
Like some kind of waste or burden. Well not emotionally. I mean I don't feel depressed, but I guess if that's how I had to put it, that's the closest I can think of. All gray. Which in itself is kind of depressing but...well. Not really sure how else to say it.
I probably need something new in my life but I have no clue what. Should also probably go outside more, but I can't seem to get the drive or see a reason for that either.
Meh.
That's all it is.
Meh _._
This entry was originally posted on my DW journal here.