❧ eleventh: i am a proactive gap filler.
I've noticed this for a long time, but I've just never figured out how to explain or phrase. And then it hit me sometime last night.
But yeah, despite always wanting to hide and be lost in the crowd rather than stand out...in truth I find myself willing to throw myself under the bus for everyone else and just do it. For instance, if a professor asks a question and no one answers, I feel myself get edgy and think, "Answer! Just answer! Go for it! No one else is! It's awkward! You have an answer! ANSWER DAMMIT" but I'm still stuck in my "FUCK NO I DON'T WANT TO I'M SCARED DIE DIE DIE" - yeah my mind is a messed up war zone of conflicting personalities/emotions. ...Not the schizo type, of course.
If there is like an assignment or a project or just something that I can do, I'll always get these urges to be like "Dude, I can't wait for you anymore, let me do it" even though I really. REALLY. Don't want to? Like I'd rather someone else do it, but when it comes down to it, I end up wanting to just take over and handle it because of speed, efficiency, something I don't know. That isn't to say I don't want the other members to help-I DO. I REALLY REALLY DO. But if we're like struggling or there's a problem, or something, I'll be willing to pick up the slack and put more work on myself for the team.
If something is missing or no one is doing something that others might like, I'll do it. It's how I started making my first DK website, the forum, graphics, Somarium, scanlations-it's like I'm self-propelling myself to do things but I actually would be quite happy to leech off others. But because there's no one there, I just step in.
Hence, I am a gap filler. I fill in the gaps.
And this is really...I don't know man. It just seems completely counter to what I always thought I was. Like, what if I wasn't the social awkward coward? What if I was more like this random proactive person instead? Where would I be instead? It feels like I could do it, but this more passive, insecure, "No I don't wanna /BALK WITH ALL MY MIGHT" side smothers it down until it's like "NOPE CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE."
/face in hands.
It's really, really confusing me and may be one of the reasons why I feel so. Insecure about myself. It's like I could be confident, but because I'm so scared shitless I can't be unless there's something that's pushing me or there's someone else that needs it. That I can only be confident if there's someone else around or something.
Which also sucks because it's like that means I can't just voluntary do it by myself. I feel like I need to feed off other people before I can find the strength, which just seems wrong to me. I mean, it's not for my own benefit and I do want to help others but...merf. It's like "Why do I have to be the one to sacrifice myself?" and I just headdesk and augh I don't know.
But seriously, if I see something that I can do or say, I'll do it. If there's a problem or something that's bothering me, I'll be like "Hm, well, let's see what I can do to fix it." This is more so in private settings than in public settings, but that urge is there, too. I just don't act on it as much.
Also, I've written more in the past month than I think I had for the past six months back on LJ.
....Huh. This is weird.
This entry was originally posted on my DW journal here.
But yeah, despite always wanting to hide and be lost in the crowd rather than stand out...in truth I find myself willing to throw myself under the bus for everyone else and just do it. For instance, if a professor asks a question and no one answers, I feel myself get edgy and think, "Answer! Just answer! Go for it! No one else is! It's awkward! You have an answer! ANSWER DAMMIT" but I'm still stuck in my "FUCK NO I DON'T WANT TO I'M SCARED DIE DIE DIE" - yeah my mind is a messed up war zone of conflicting personalities/emotions. ...Not the schizo type, of course.
If there is like an assignment or a project or just something that I can do, I'll always get these urges to be like "Dude, I can't wait for you anymore, let me do it" even though I really. REALLY. Don't want to? Like I'd rather someone else do it, but when it comes down to it, I end up wanting to just take over and handle it because of speed, efficiency, something I don't know. That isn't to say I don't want the other members to help-I DO. I REALLY REALLY DO. But if we're like struggling or there's a problem, or something, I'll be willing to pick up the slack and put more work on myself for the team.
If something is missing or no one is doing something that others might like, I'll do it. It's how I started making my first DK website, the forum, graphics, Somarium, scanlations-it's like I'm self-propelling myself to do things but I actually would be quite happy to leech off others. But because there's no one there, I just step in.
Hence, I am a gap filler. I fill in the gaps.
And this is really...I don't know man. It just seems completely counter to what I always thought I was. Like, what if I wasn't the social awkward coward? What if I was more like this random proactive person instead? Where would I be instead? It feels like I could do it, but this more passive, insecure, "No I don't wanna /BALK WITH ALL MY MIGHT" side smothers it down until it's like "NOPE CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE."
/face in hands.
It's really, really confusing me and may be one of the reasons why I feel so. Insecure about myself. It's like I could be confident, but because I'm so scared shitless I can't be unless there's something that's pushing me or there's someone else that needs it. That I can only be confident if there's someone else around or something.
Which also sucks because it's like that means I can't just voluntary do it by myself. I feel like I need to feed off other people before I can find the strength, which just seems wrong to me. I mean, it's not for my own benefit and I do want to help others but...merf. It's like "Why do I have to be the one to sacrifice myself?" and I just headdesk and augh I don't know.
But seriously, if I see something that I can do or say, I'll do it. If there's a problem or something that's bothering me, I'll be like "Hm, well, let's see what I can do to fix it." This is more so in private settings than in public settings, but that urge is there, too. I just don't act on it as much.
Also, I've written more in the past month than I think I had for the past six months back on LJ.
....Huh. This is weird.
This entry was originally posted on my DW journal here.