falling in and out of love; ashamed and proud of together all the time
I have not been on here in forever! So long that lj logged me out and didnt remember me, and my browser memory didnt recognize the link and I had to type it all out. Most importatly I miss my sister. For a while there I had the priviledge of talking to her every day which I found really helpful in navigating my life with my particular brand of mental issues. I keep more secrets, and better, than anyone. With the exception of her, I think. But now, I have a second job at night and I dont get home in time to catch her online because of the time difference. And I communicate best online. I might resort to random texting. I wonder if she'll even have time for that??
I'm getting married in like, two weeks. Holy Shit.
Just about everyone I came into contact with today asked me about it, if I was nervous, if I was excited, I replied all day with my standard neutral response of yeah, its coming up. I think we have everything done. And then I started to really think about it. And when paul got home today and mentioned it I blurted out "I'm not ready!" and he laughed at me. Part of me really doesnt feel ready like I need to back up to when I still had six months to go and I didnt have to think about stupid things like changing my name and practicing writing the right name on the 40 billion notes I write each week. Also I had this dream last night where everything went wrong. I forgot my bra. Seriously. And my bouquets which is rediculous because I made them and I remade them twice and I wouldnt forget them. But in my dream I wouldnt get married without my bra and by the time we got it it was too late to have the ceremony and it was dark and raining and everybody misssed dinner because of me. I was awake from 3:48- 5ish because I was so anxious from my stupid dream.
So, now I'm drinking wine. And thinking (in a slower, drunker way) about all the stuff I have to do. little stuff, but mostly Jessica and all her dysfunction related stuff like go to the dr and get a new inhaler / a daily inhaler. Because mine doesnt work.. ... it's a rescue inhaler but it fails. I still can't breathe when I run. The other little medical drama is that I have cysts/tumors in my abdomen and ovaries that are small but like to blow up when I do anything physical. I know what it is at this point, there's nothing they can do for me, except pump my bladdar full of fluids, ultrasound me, and say hmm, yeah, thats what it is...you'll be uncomfortable for a while....blah blah....whatever. It's inconvenient to not be able to take any form of birth control.
But I am excited to relax for a weekend, see all the family together even though no one is likely to be happy....but if they can all smile and can it for just 48 hours I'll be delighted. That, and I want to be pretty for the one day. I hope my dress fits and is good and nice and I look ok and not stupid.
I think thats enough. I've got back exercises to do, and then maybe more wine, but definitely bed.
I'm getting married in like, two weeks. Holy Shit.
Just about everyone I came into contact with today asked me about it, if I was nervous, if I was excited, I replied all day with my standard neutral response of yeah, its coming up. I think we have everything done. And then I started to really think about it. And when paul got home today and mentioned it I blurted out "I'm not ready!" and he laughed at me. Part of me really doesnt feel ready like I need to back up to when I still had six months to go and I didnt have to think about stupid things like changing my name and practicing writing the right name on the 40 billion notes I write each week. Also I had this dream last night where everything went wrong. I forgot my bra. Seriously. And my bouquets which is rediculous because I made them and I remade them twice and I wouldnt forget them. But in my dream I wouldnt get married without my bra and by the time we got it it was too late to have the ceremony and it was dark and raining and everybody misssed dinner because of me. I was awake from 3:48- 5ish because I was so anxious from my stupid dream.
So, now I'm drinking wine. And thinking (in a slower, drunker way) about all the stuff I have to do. little stuff, but mostly Jessica and all her dysfunction related stuff like go to the dr and get a new inhaler / a daily inhaler. Because mine doesnt work.. ... it's a rescue inhaler but it fails. I still can't breathe when I run. The other little medical drama is that I have cysts/tumors in my abdomen and ovaries that are small but like to blow up when I do anything physical. I know what it is at this point, there's nothing they can do for me, except pump my bladdar full of fluids, ultrasound me, and say hmm, yeah, thats what it is...you'll be uncomfortable for a while....blah blah....whatever. It's inconvenient to not be able to take any form of birth control.
But I am excited to relax for a weekend, see all the family together even though no one is likely to be happy....but if they can all smile and can it for just 48 hours I'll be delighted. That, and I want to be pretty for the one day. I hope my dress fits and is good and nice and I look ok and not stupid.
I think thats enough. I've got back exercises to do, and then maybe more wine, but definitely bed.