(no subject)
I get all motivated to post journal entries and then it just...doesnt. And I fall of the Lj planet for months. I've been married for 5 months. Its still weird. When I hear Paul say wife, when I see the ring on his left hand, when I say husband. Its two-fold weird because a, I wasn't ever planning on getting married in the grand scheme of life. b. to Paul Achs from freshmen biology. hahaha.
Life is....what it is. I work more than I do anything else. This is so that we can afford to put Paul through school and get his teaching degree, which will hopefully lead to new avenues of having our life together which will eventually involve children, but not before we fix our financial ruin.
Basically, I feel like a life- failure. At my day job I'm not doing it good enough, and even when I am on top of things I'm having major anxiety about being late to my night job. At my night job I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and even if I did, wouldnt be able to do it right. And I desperately want to be good there. And I'm too tired by the end of the night to focus enough to be able to do anything right. And then I come home and if Paul's here I talk to him, and if he's not I don't talk to anyone because I dont really have any friends since my life revolves around work and Nevaeh and there's barely room for my new marriage, not to mention other things that have happened and occurred and come up.
I know I'm not doing it good enough. I know because I can look back and re read the hateful email from a girl in high school about how selfish I am and how I'll never change, and I still feel how deep that cut. And I know that any other would be friend that I have is thinking the same. And i want to scream about how I really do want to be a good friend/therapist/wife/sister/mentor but I'm just not. And I probably never have been, I just lied to myself and thought I was.
And the only thing I can do now is to keep going to work, and when I leave, go to the other work and try my best every day to be better- be good enough for anyone at either place, so that one day maybe I can not have to work both jobs. But that wont be any time soon of course. I just wish I could be better.
Life is....what it is. I work more than I do anything else. This is so that we can afford to put Paul through school and get his teaching degree, which will hopefully lead to new avenues of having our life together which will eventually involve children, but not before we fix our financial ruin.
Basically, I feel like a life- failure. At my day job I'm not doing it good enough, and even when I am on top of things I'm having major anxiety about being late to my night job. At my night job I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and even if I did, wouldnt be able to do it right. And I desperately want to be good there. And I'm too tired by the end of the night to focus enough to be able to do anything right. And then I come home and if Paul's here I talk to him, and if he's not I don't talk to anyone because I dont really have any friends since my life revolves around work and Nevaeh and there's barely room for my new marriage, not to mention other things that have happened and occurred and come up.
I know I'm not doing it good enough. I know because I can look back and re read the hateful email from a girl in high school about how selfish I am and how I'll never change, and I still feel how deep that cut. And I know that any other would be friend that I have is thinking the same. And i want to scream about how I really do want to be a good friend/therapist/wife/sister/mentor but I'm just not. And I probably never have been, I just lied to myself and thought I was.
And the only thing I can do now is to keep going to work, and when I leave, go to the other work and try my best every day to be better- be good enough for anyone at either place, so that one day maybe I can not have to work both jobs. But that wont be any time soon of course. I just wish I could be better.