I Wish I Could Say That I Don't Care
Last night Jenelle, Caitlin, and I traveled to Omaha to see Jack's Mannequin at Sokol. We knew before we left that the weather was dark and threatening. But we went anyway. Standing front row and being introduced to Lady Danville made it all feel like the right decision.
Until the sirens went off.
We were all piled into the Sokol Underground during Steel Train's set. When they let us back upstairs we reclaimed the exact same spots we'd lost previously. Being front row twice actually made me appreciate it all the more.
The show was everything I wanted it to be. And I got half the set list in my purse as we speak. In ended up being the perfect adventure. And I've been reading this great book, Jack Dies At The End.
Lately, I feel like my brain is being lit up by the wonderful things I'm surrounded by. I hope that keeps up because I feel like crawling out of my skin all the time lately.
I miss my friends. I miss being younger. Or I miss who I was when I was younger. I hate that I feel so constantly caged by my own insecurities, obsessions, compulsions, ect. I see the world having fun around me and I feel so stationary. And I don't enjoy it.
I don't want to miss out on another summer. I don't want to miss out on laughing and hand holding and loving the shit out of the people I've loved the shit out of for fucking years.
I miss being barefoot and wearing tshirts and laughing and being hugged while hugging others and drinking and starting fires and being impassioned. I miss being happy with them.
Left alone, left to my own inane devices, I'm always depressed. The world darkens metaphorically and literally. I just sit here and think about what I don't have. I lose the ability to live in the moment. Days pass and I realize I've done the same thing for the last week and suddenly the new week has started and I remain where I was. Perpetually stationary. And that isn't me. It can't be. I mean, it never was.
I like to think that we're all more in control of life than we feel like we are. And I'm doing my best to reclaim my life.
Thus reading books.
Enrolling in a four year school. (Time to finish.)
Going to concerts.
Thus all of it.
I've got shit to do, places to be, and people to see.
Better get started.
-Smiles
I wish that I could say that I didn’t care.
I wish that I could say that I don’t believe.
Talking to myself in my underwear, but I could never leave.
And I know
in time this shit
Will hardly ever cross my mind again.