Here o/
Dear LJ lovelies, I’m obviously not dead…yet. Well, I’m actually closer to death than to life. It’s been a long time since I posted so this is going to be kind of long. Anyway.
Last time I posted, I had a mental breakdown and was feeling like crap. That was on Nov. 9. I’m not better. I didn’t lose enough weight for my taste; I’m now between 85lbs and 87lbs depending on the time of the day. But…Things changed. Firstly, I’m officially diagnosed as severely depressed and my antidepressants have been upped to the next dose. On Dec. 20, I’ve been transported in ambulance to the closest hospital for severe heart pains, caused by the fact that I lack some nutriments. Results are that my mother knows I’m starving myself and I now have various vitamins and other pills to take. I thought that with my mom knowing about my restricting, she would force feed me all the time. But she’s not. Sometimes, when she sees I’m wandering around the kitchen looking desperate, she asks me if I want a cup of soup or a fruit. She’s actually really gentle and doesn’t expect me to eat all the time. She just gives me little things through the day and makes sure I took my vitamins. I talked to her about the fact that Christmas depresses me seriously, because of all the food and she said she understands. She was bulimic until her early twenties. She said she’s kind of relieved that I’m emetophobiac since it means I won’t start to purge. She did purge when she was a teen and damaged her body a lot…She told me she had a liver operation at 23 and various other consultations because her digestive system is all fucked up. Now she’s stuck with digestive issues and esophagus spasms. It was strange but so relieving to be able to speak freely to my mom about eating disorders. She cried though. She said it was really hard to know I’m doing this to myself, because she feels responsible. I told her it really wasn’t her fault but she insists because eating disorders are usually passed down from parents to children. Knowing she’s hurt is more painful than anything.
Despite everything, I had a nice Christmas with my family. My ‘adoptive’ sister (half-sister of my half-brother by alliance) is pregnant and it’s now showing, she’s really cute with her little bump. I had a few cute shirts (‘cause the ones I own are starting to get too big), a bronze snake ring (a bit too big for my bony fingers but oh well), collector Batman comic books in their original case and a few other things. I still have 2 Christmas to go though; one with my stepfather’s family on the 30 and one with my father, probably on the 31. So I guess I still have gifts to get. I’m a proud materialist.
Uh…I sleep with another cat! Remember that I had 2 males outside and one of them died? Well, the other one was going crazy because he was alone so we let him inside. At first he was really nervous and had to spend the night outside but then he discovered my room and won’t leave it! Seriously, he leaves to eat and use the litter and comes back. If I leave my room too long he starts to call me and don’t stop until I go see what he wants. I have to pet it all the time but he’s so cute ~ He sleeps so close to me I can feel his warmth all the time, it’s really relaxing. My youngest kit’s (Ally) hates him but she’s getting better at tolerating him.
Apart from that…well…My brother is a girl? Yeah, I shouldn’t write that on the web but…Yeah, my brother has been ‘diagnosed’ as transsexual or whatever and he’ll be getting hormonal thing…I don’t really know. It’s really vague for me. He told me he has a few appointments with people in the next weeks/months and my mom told us his name will be Alexandra when he’s ready for it (he chose it himself). I still don’t know when I have to call him ‘Alex’ or ‘Lexie’ instead of his current name…I’ll probably know more about that later.
So, I’m not dead. Full of scars and starving but not dead. I’m trying to stay safe though, remember that I’m not trying to kill myself. Take care, lovelies <3
Last time I posted, I had a mental breakdown and was feeling like crap. That was on Nov. 9. I’m not better. I didn’t lose enough weight for my taste; I’m now between 85lbs and 87lbs depending on the time of the day. But…Things changed. Firstly, I’m officially diagnosed as severely depressed and my antidepressants have been upped to the next dose. On Dec. 20, I’ve been transported in ambulance to the closest hospital for severe heart pains, caused by the fact that I lack some nutriments. Results are that my mother knows I’m starving myself and I now have various vitamins and other pills to take. I thought that with my mom knowing about my restricting, she would force feed me all the time. But she’s not. Sometimes, when she sees I’m wandering around the kitchen looking desperate, she asks me if I want a cup of soup or a fruit. She’s actually really gentle and doesn’t expect me to eat all the time. She just gives me little things through the day and makes sure I took my vitamins. I talked to her about the fact that Christmas depresses me seriously, because of all the food and she said she understands. She was bulimic until her early twenties. She said she’s kind of relieved that I’m emetophobiac since it means I won’t start to purge. She did purge when she was a teen and damaged her body a lot…She told me she had a liver operation at 23 and various other consultations because her digestive system is all fucked up. Now she’s stuck with digestive issues and esophagus spasms. It was strange but so relieving to be able to speak freely to my mom about eating disorders. She cried though. She said it was really hard to know I’m doing this to myself, because she feels responsible. I told her it really wasn’t her fault but she insists because eating disorders are usually passed down from parents to children. Knowing she’s hurt is more painful than anything.
Despite everything, I had a nice Christmas with my family. My ‘adoptive’ sister (half-sister of my half-brother by alliance) is pregnant and it’s now showing, she’s really cute with her little bump. I had a few cute shirts (‘cause the ones I own are starting to get too big), a bronze snake ring (a bit too big for my bony fingers but oh well), collector Batman comic books in their original case and a few other things. I still have 2 Christmas to go though; one with my stepfather’s family on the 30 and one with my father, probably on the 31. So I guess I still have gifts to get. I’m a proud materialist.
Uh…I sleep with another cat! Remember that I had 2 males outside and one of them died? Well, the other one was going crazy because he was alone so we let him inside. At first he was really nervous and had to spend the night outside but then he discovered my room and won’t leave it! Seriously, he leaves to eat and use the litter and comes back. If I leave my room too long he starts to call me and don’t stop until I go see what he wants. I have to pet it all the time but he’s so cute ~ He sleeps so close to me I can feel his warmth all the time, it’s really relaxing. My youngest kit’s (Ally) hates him but she’s getting better at tolerating him.
Apart from that…well…My brother is a girl? Yeah, I shouldn’t write that on the web but…Yeah, my brother has been ‘diagnosed’ as transsexual or whatever and he’ll be getting hormonal thing…I don’t really know. It’s really vague for me. He told me he has a few appointments with people in the next weeks/months and my mom told us his name will be Alexandra when he’s ready for it (he chose it himself). I still don’t know when I have to call him ‘Alex’ or ‘Lexie’ instead of his current name…I’ll probably know more about that later.
So, I’m not dead. Full of scars and starving but not dead. I’m trying to stay safe though, remember that I’m not trying to kill myself. Take care, lovelies <3