not being productive
Today I wrote myself out a big list of things that I have to do. It's pretty comprehensive, but I doubt that it's finished.l It's a page from a notebook that I write in, I think it's A5 sized, and I've nearly filled up both sides of this page. And that's just of normal things to do. I have a list a page long for uni. It's scary to look at, but I needed to write it. I need perspective. I need motivation. I don't have much of that right now though.
I want to get started on this list as soon as possible, because it looks daunting enough as it is, but I need to be here first. I need to write first. I need to get some things out of my head. I need to try to convince myself that I can get all these things done before they need to be done.
I went over and renewed my learners licence today. I didn't tell anyone I was going, but Mum and my uncle have been bugging me. It was supposed to expire on May 31. After failing three times I'm not emotionally stable enough to go again. It would be a lie to say that I could do it. I think I might be able to do it one day, just not any time soon. It scares me, and it's not one of those fears that you can just get over. It took me enough to get over to the motor registry today, just to renew my learners. I was freaked out about seeing someone, so of course I did see someone over there; a guy that I used to be friends with during the whole Sarah saga. I think he was doing the hazard perception test, which is the red p's to green p's test. There's boothes for the touch screens, and as far as I know you can't see the screen next to you because I couldn't see his. I hope he didn't know I was doing the learners test, because it's embarassing enough as it is. I passed it though, but the learners test is all common sense really. I do know people who have failed it though.
Now I've got another sixty hours of driving to do, to make up the required 120. I also have to do twenty hours of night driving, which I have done already because the only time I ever really could drive was at night. The new log books are weird, and you have to write so much more in, including the kilometer readings from when you start and when you stop driving, and whether you drive at night or during the day. I know it won't be a problem for me to get up to the required hours, but what am I going to do about the test then? I'm thinking I probably will just go to Armidale, or somewhere else.
I felt so stupid going and renewing it. I should have been able to get my licence. It's not that hard. I can drive, I know that I can. I just have some anxiety issues. It's that viscious circle. You're scared so you don't go, and then when you do go you can't do it well enough, and that makes it harder to go again, and not going makes it harder to pass. Perhaps with more driving confidence will come naturally. It isn't as if there's major flaws in my driving. I drive just like everyone else does, and I'm in no way a bad driver. Things like clutching too much and having bad decision making (according to the last tester who told me I waited too long) doesn't make me a bad driver, it makes me a scared and cautious driver, something that shouldn't be penalised. I get sick of talking about it anyway.
I messaged my uncle and told him that I'd done it, and that I didn't want to hear anything else about it. For the last two weeks, or however long it's been since I last failed, Mum's been going on constantly about going over there and booking another test. I knew I wouldn't get another test. I didn't even want another test. I couldn't handle another test because it was obvious that I wasn't going to pass. I didn't want to put myself through that again. I quite like my mental stability. I know Mum'll probably be disappointed, but I don't care. It's not as if I've failed as a daughter, and I'm not asking her for lifts to places. I give that honour to my uncle, who only has to drive me to TAFE on Fridays, and he works across the street from where I live now.
I'm thinking of aiming to have my licence by my 20th birthday, which is seven months away. I think it could be attainable. Maybe.
Mark said I didn't seem like myself when he came home for lunch. This whole renewing my learners thing has got me pretty down, but I'm ok.
Daniel has taken to sending me messages now. He never used to, but ever since he decided he'd offer me $350 to sleep with him he hasn't really stopped. Mostly it's "what are you wearing?" followed by something like "I'm at work you loser". It's kind of annoying, but I put him in his place and tell him that I don't want to hear from him. He goes "there's no need for name calling" and I say "there's no need for you to know what I'm wearing". Mark said that Alastair said that he was keen to see me naked when they were here on the weekend. I was definately not getting naked, and I definately won't be. It annoys Mark, but I told him he should be flattered that his friends think I'm hot, because it's not as if he thinks about any of their girlfriends like that. I wouldn't do anything with any of them anyway. I'm not attracted to any of them, and Mark wouldn't like it at all. In fact, he'd probably disown me. I told Mark to tell Daniel that if he found me a girl I'd fuck her in front of him for $350, but Mark wouldn't tell him that. He probably wouldn't like that either.
I feel tired, but I know I'm not. I think it's cause I was a little upset when I got home. Mark thought he'd take the day off sick today, and I'm honestly glad that he's not here. I haven't done much, but I probably would have if I didn't do my licence, but I needed to do that. That's the only one thing that is crossed off my massive list of things to do. I really do need to do something with the rest of the day before I go to TAFE. I can't wait for TAFE, but I still don't have enough photos for him. It's not my fault that I can't afford a camera.
I might come blog again later, because now I'm really starting to hate myself for not doing anything productive.