nope, it's not (sincere)
"half of what you wrote is a lie. and yes, i am sorry. and were not getting councilled becase i spoke to the store manager and explained to him what had happened. mark wont get councilled because you are right, he did nothing, everyone from big w who witnessed your little outburst on rose on sunady can tel you that rose didnt get into into truoble. everyone was bad mouthing you, because you brought this into my work place when i deliberately left it away from it. everynoe is on my side. they tle me that i can do better then mark. i believe that. i wont ever stop thinking about mark as a good friend. he meant so much to me, he still does, onlly as a friend now though. but youve told him to stay away from me, and thats exactly what hes doing. i dont need this self pity, and i dont have any. im fine with everythin. i had nothing to lose, you did, and you lost it, but oim glad things are back the way they were. with me out of the equation and me and rose to carry on with our lives. it was a bit awkward at work first, but now everyone sees it in my point of view. you kept telling me that this was only my fault, and now in this journal you put down that this is yours and marks fault. it doesnt make sense. you need to connect the dots more. by the way, good writing skills.. i really do hopw you and mark live a happy life together, you deserve one another. im going to stay away, hopefully one day me and mark can be mates gain, but i doubt you;d let that! so enjoy your life, and i really am truly sorry"
Azaria created a LiveJournal account and left this comment on one of my blogs. Again, I'm lost for words, but this time in a punching the table kind of way. I am so angry I hardly have the words. How fucking dare she come onto my private place, my own personal blog, and create her own account purely and simply just to leave me comments? Do I stalk her and post comments to her? No, I don't. In fact, I've deleted her off my Facebook so that I don't have to see whatever shit she is coming up with.
And now it comes out, that Azaria has aired my dirty laundry, every single one of my insecurities across the workplace for everyone to see. As if it's not bad enough that the depression has creeped up enough to make me wary about even going out of the house. Now my insecurities, that I post online for an anonymous and unknown audience, have been thrown out to the hungry vultures looking for their latest scandal.
So much for sorry. This is why I don't trust people. This is why I hardly ever give people second chances. Give someone a chance to prove that they are petty and pathetic and they will do it.
"She shouldn't talk about my personal life." Her personal life? I don't even fucking mention her real name! I don't mention anything about her, except the parts that are relevent to my life. And talk about a hypocrite. She's airing my personal life to people who don't need to know this. If I wanted them to know, I'd post this on Facebook, or tell everyone myself.
Calm down. Deep breaths. Ellie just goes "don't let her get to you, it's what she wants", and I know that. I know that all Azaria is looking for is a rise out of me. I have a volatile personality, and it has always worked to my disadvantage. If this were highschool, I would have broken her pretty flat nose by now, but I'm an adult, and an assault charge is not going to be a good thing. I wish I could though. That would be satisfaction.
I think we finally got through to her though. Mark started texting her telling her to stay out of it. He texted her something that he wouldn't let me see that I know had a lot of nasty words in it. She finally goes "fine, I know where I stand and I don't want to talk to you ever again." It's about fucking time. That's what I've been saying for days now. I don't want her around. Mark doesn't want her around. I didn't tell her to stay away for my own personal enjoyment. I told her to stay away because all she has done is cause problems, and Mark and I are over that. We just want to go about our own business, but no, she has to but her huge nose in again. And so she's left getting the satisfaction and the glory and here I sit with my personal life and insecurities laid out for all to see. Now all I feel is vulnerable, and this makes it even harder to resist the urge to crumble again. All I want is to disappear. And I bet not one person that knows Azaria understands depression, and they're all going to talk about how pathetic and weak I am because I just want to disappear. Well they can get some real issues of their own and then come and talk to me.
Ellie tells me that no one at Big W hates me. Well if they do, fuck them. I probably didn't like them anyway. Ellie says that no one is even talking about it that much anymore. Azaria is the one who is blowing this out of proportion. Mark and I just want this to be over with. It's bad enough that Azaria couldn't keep her mouth shut in the first place. Mark and I don't want to be the centre of the gossip circles. We don't need our personal lives on display for everyone to see. We definately don't want our fights on display for everyone to see. Azaria keeps bringing this up, keeps finding new ways to get people talking about all this. She's just being one big attention seeking whore. She probably likes this. Narcissistic whore.
I had my little hissy fit before. I told Mark that I was going to stop posting, that I was going to stop writing about everything even though I need it to cope. I told him that I didn't need friends. I said that I had my few people that I could trust, and that I didn't need everyone else because anyone else will throw even the smallest bit of gossip back into my face. He told me I couldn't do that. I need to write to get it out, and I love posting online and getting comments from people I have come to know. I need to make friends to know that I have worth as a person. I love making new friends. I hate having people who used to like me turn against me so suddenly. I need to stop trusting people and allowing them so far into my life.
I was going to set my LiveJournal on to the friends only setting, but I didn't want to be restricted like that. I shouldn't have to. It's my blog, I can write whatever I like, about whoever I like. Even more so because I'm considerate enough to not post anybody's real names. I could go and post Azaria's real name, and her address and mobile number and email and a link to her Facebook page, and then she'd have something to complain about, but I don't do that because I'm not that petty. I could do that, and I'm sure my friends (both online and real life) would be lining up to tell her exactly what they think of her, just as she has her friends commenting about this situation when they don't know me or Mark or the actual situation itself. But again, I am not that petty.
I am feeling better now. Time for bed I think. It's so good to have this day over.
P.S.
This entry is friends only so that it doesn't start another round of shit and harrassment when Azaria reads it. I don't want that. I just want her to fuck off.
Azaria created a LiveJournal account and left this comment on one of my blogs. Again, I'm lost for words, but this time in a punching the table kind of way. I am so angry I hardly have the words. How fucking dare she come onto my private place, my own personal blog, and create her own account purely and simply just to leave me comments? Do I stalk her and post comments to her? No, I don't. In fact, I've deleted her off my Facebook so that I don't have to see whatever shit she is coming up with.
And now it comes out, that Azaria has aired my dirty laundry, every single one of my insecurities across the workplace for everyone to see. As if it's not bad enough that the depression has creeped up enough to make me wary about even going out of the house. Now my insecurities, that I post online for an anonymous and unknown audience, have been thrown out to the hungry vultures looking for their latest scandal.
So much for sorry. This is why I don't trust people. This is why I hardly ever give people second chances. Give someone a chance to prove that they are petty and pathetic and they will do it.
"She shouldn't talk about my personal life." Her personal life? I don't even fucking mention her real name! I don't mention anything about her, except the parts that are relevent to my life. And talk about a hypocrite. She's airing my personal life to people who don't need to know this. If I wanted them to know, I'd post this on Facebook, or tell everyone myself.
Calm down. Deep breaths. Ellie just goes "don't let her get to you, it's what she wants", and I know that. I know that all Azaria is looking for is a rise out of me. I have a volatile personality, and it has always worked to my disadvantage. If this were highschool, I would have broken her pretty flat nose by now, but I'm an adult, and an assault charge is not going to be a good thing. I wish I could though. That would be satisfaction.
I think we finally got through to her though. Mark started texting her telling her to stay out of it. He texted her something that he wouldn't let me see that I know had a lot of nasty words in it. She finally goes "fine, I know where I stand and I don't want to talk to you ever again." It's about fucking time. That's what I've been saying for days now. I don't want her around. Mark doesn't want her around. I didn't tell her to stay away for my own personal enjoyment. I told her to stay away because all she has done is cause problems, and Mark and I are over that. We just want to go about our own business, but no, she has to but her huge nose in again. And so she's left getting the satisfaction and the glory and here I sit with my personal life and insecurities laid out for all to see. Now all I feel is vulnerable, and this makes it even harder to resist the urge to crumble again. All I want is to disappear. And I bet not one person that knows Azaria understands depression, and they're all going to talk about how pathetic and weak I am because I just want to disappear. Well they can get some real issues of their own and then come and talk to me.
Ellie tells me that no one at Big W hates me. Well if they do, fuck them. I probably didn't like them anyway. Ellie says that no one is even talking about it that much anymore. Azaria is the one who is blowing this out of proportion. Mark and I just want this to be over with. It's bad enough that Azaria couldn't keep her mouth shut in the first place. Mark and I don't want to be the centre of the gossip circles. We don't need our personal lives on display for everyone to see. We definately don't want our fights on display for everyone to see. Azaria keeps bringing this up, keeps finding new ways to get people talking about all this. She's just being one big attention seeking whore. She probably likes this. Narcissistic whore.
I had my little hissy fit before. I told Mark that I was going to stop posting, that I was going to stop writing about everything even though I need it to cope. I told him that I didn't need friends. I said that I had my few people that I could trust, and that I didn't need everyone else because anyone else will throw even the smallest bit of gossip back into my face. He told me I couldn't do that. I need to write to get it out, and I love posting online and getting comments from people I have come to know. I need to make friends to know that I have worth as a person. I love making new friends. I hate having people who used to like me turn against me so suddenly. I need to stop trusting people and allowing them so far into my life.
I was going to set my LiveJournal on to the friends only setting, but I didn't want to be restricted like that. I shouldn't have to. It's my blog, I can write whatever I like, about whoever I like. Even more so because I'm considerate enough to not post anybody's real names. I could go and post Azaria's real name, and her address and mobile number and email and a link to her Facebook page, and then she'd have something to complain about, but I don't do that because I'm not that petty. I could do that, and I'm sure my friends (both online and real life) would be lining up to tell her exactly what they think of her, just as she has her friends commenting about this situation when they don't know me or Mark or the actual situation itself. But again, I am not that petty.
I am feeling better now. Time for bed I think. It's so good to have this day over.
P.S.
This entry is friends only so that it doesn't start another round of shit and harrassment when Azaria reads it. I don't want that. I just want her to fuck off.