lost
It's going to take a while for things to go back to resembling anything close to normal. Today has been hard. Yesterday was great. Yesterday it was just us and waiting to tell everyone that we were back together and sex, lots of sex. Today, Mark went back to work and I had another confrontation with Azaria. She keeps writing these angsty Facebook statuses directed at me. The latest is about how I'm ugly and she feels sorry for me. And she's telling everyone how fucked up Mark and I are and she's exaggerating their casual relationship to be something more than what it was, what she wanted it to be I guess. And so now even people that I don't know are commenting saying how I made the wrong decision and how Azaria can't be a slut because Mark felt compelled to cheat. Like no one even knows that we had an open relationship, or that the reason I allowed Azaria into our relationship was because it was the fair thing to do for Mark. No one knows that she promised to keep it casual but couldn't. So I wrote on her wall telling her to stop the petty statuses because it wasn't helping anything, and Facebook war ensued. Luckily most of it was done on the private chat function, but she still managed to get a few good blows in. Not that I'm going to let her know that. I'm good at pretending that I'm not hurt when I am. What really matters is that she is more hurt over this, and that she is the one in the wrong, and she knows that.
I'm trying not to care about everyone else. MIranda said that she thought Andie's comment on Facebook yesterday sounded rude. I still don't know what the deal was behind that. I'm overly paranoid that Mark's family hate me for this. I guess time will tell and I'll know when I go there for dinner next week. I know that Daniel doesn't hate me, and he probably never will. We don't get along, but he doesn't hate me. A few of Mark's friends have also told him that they have his back. I've still got Alastair and Ellie, and basically everyone else I knew. I think that a lot of people will know about this, and make their own judgements, but everyone that I know knows who I am, and they know I'm not a bitch or a slut or anything that Azaria is probably going to say about me.
I had a rough few hours after talking to Azaria. I went up to see Mark at work and ran into Azaria as she was walking into work. I just kept walking. I know I'm better than her in all of this. It took Mark a little while to get what was wrong out of me, but we've talked about it now. He said that if I'd rethought staying with him he'd understand. He'd let me go if I wanted. I don't want that. Right now, I'm just going to pretend that this didn't happen at all. He didn't cheat on me. It wasn't about the sex, like everyone thinks it is. He made a mistake, and he realised that, and we're ok now. Someone described it to me in terms of our relationship being in a routine, which is exactly what I think. We just got bored with each other I think. Things really were boring. We worked, slept, occasionally had sex, did housework, visited other people. We'd lost sight of what we felt for each other, and now we've found that again. We both thought that we'd lost that little spark that keeps things interesting, but when faced with the thought of losing each other forever, we realised that we've still got it.
This afternoon Mark and I discussed a fundamental part of our relationship; my other women. Melissa, in particular. He doesn't want any other people in our relationship at all. I promised that I wouldn't cheat on him, that I'd never do it without him knowing or without his consent. I told him that I can't give this up, and that he doesn't understand. He is interested in women. I am interested in both sexes. If he was too, I'd let him fulfil his fantasies that I couldn't, and he knows that. My want for women isn't a reflection on him. It doesn't mean that he isn't enough for me. It just means that I'm interested in something that he can't give, and I love him despite that. I told him that I still wanted Melissa. We already know that it can work. We already know that her and I can have sex, or we can have a threesome, and that it doesn't get messy anymore. We all know that there is nothing romantic about it. He kept saying no, but I got him to consider it. It's not going to be an every weekend thing, or even a regular thing at all. I'm just asking for this little bit of freedom, like once every six months, even once a year. I'm not going to do it without his knowing and approving, but I've already felt restricted enough and sometimes my sex drive just takes over, like his does. And it's not as if this is something he has to think about right now. Melissa won't be coming down for another couple of months at least. She was planning on coming down for Easter, but last I heard she couldn't afford it. He said to just wait until the next time she comes down and he'll see how he feels then.
I had a good sleep last night, even with Mark waking up at 5am to go to work. At least tomorrow morning I can sleep uninterrupted. I've managed to get a few things done today. I've done two loads of washing, and I put all the clothes away. I watched Twilight because I was feeling lonely and really just wanted the time to go quickly so that Mark could be home. I think I might try and get some studying done now. I really, really need to do some. I got an email from the social psych coordinator about our assessment groups, but I didn't realise that I was being put in a group for assessment because we're external, so I thought that we'd organise that at the res school or just do the group part there and then work on our own. So I guess I should probably go and check that out.
On Saturday, one of Melissa's friends started talking to me on Facebook. She went to my highschool for a few years, and I never thought she liked me (like I think of most people). She said she was really sorry about what happened with Mark and I, and that she came and read my blog because I'd posted a link for Melissa to read because I didn't have time to explain what had happened to her. She told me that she thought I wrote beautifully, and that she knew who Melissa is in real life, and that she always thought it was great that me and Melissa had gotten together. That was nice. One of the girls from my TAFE course last year started talking to me today too to see if I was alright because she'd seen all the dirty laundry aired on Facebook. And one of the girls that Mark works with started talking to me today as well. She said that Mark and I need to leave town because our relationship is too good for this place and too good for the people that Mark and her work with.
Rose just started talking to me. "I'm not trying to start shit but..." *insert shit starting remark here*. I hate people like that.
Skipping town would be a really good idea. I'd love to live somewhere else. Maybe that's what Mark and I will save up for. I feel like it's skip town or leave Mark, and I don't want to leave him. I just feel like there's too much pressure here. Too many things have gone wrong, and I can't get away from all the people that know them. I know that running away is never an appropriate solution, but I'm not running from something so that I don't have to solve it. This isn't a problem that I have to fix. I am sitting with what has happened, now and in the past. I know that it's done, and I accept that there's nothing that I can do to change it. I just want to leave this town. Highschool sucked, and now real life is sucking just as much. I just want to be surrounded by a whole new group of people. I want a new life somewhere else. A new beginning. I love all my friends, but I feel like there are just too many people that dislike me for who I am. I want to get away from my family. I don't even know why, but I just do. I want to get away from Mark's family because I'm convinced that they hate me. I want to go and work with a whole new group of people. I want to be exactly who I am, right from the beginning of people knowing who I am. I don't want to feel like I shouldn't tell people things because I know that they will judge me. I'm sick of being who everyone expects me to be. I want to leave. I want to live in a big city with a whole lot of people where everything that is weird is considered normal because there is so much diversity in everything.
Melissa just asked me to go to the beach with her next weekend. She said she wants to disappear, and I said I wanted to as well, and she asked. I would love to. I would love to just go somewhere for a little while and sit somewhere different and just be somewhere else. Just not have to deal with this shit right now. I would love to just go to the beach and sit there and listen to the waves and just be myself. I told her that if Mr Rudd gives me my $900 in the next ten days I'll go. I have that weekend off work because it's the week my holidays are.
I wonder where I could move to. I could go to Canberra. That way I could see Ally all the time. I am not going to Sydney. Too crowded and expensive. Canberra would be too far to go for my res schools though. I could move to Armidale. It's not that far of a move I know, but it'd be close to uni and close enough to home to come back and visit sometimes. I could go to Newcastle, but a lot of Mark's family live there. I don't know. I just want to get out of here. I could go live in the same town as my Pop does, but he keeps saying that it's getting to be like a real hole lately. I don't think I've ever given so much thought to leaving town, but I really do want to. If anyone thinks I should go anywhere in particular, or can find me a cheap flat to rent somewhere, that would be really cool. Of course I need to get my licence first, and Mark and I have to discuss this. I told him today that I wanted to leave town, and he just said that things would settle down. I don't think they will. I just don't want to be here. I don't feel comfortable anymore. I need to find some place to call home. I feel lost at the moment.
Alastair won't stop talking about this me-Mark-Azaria-Rose fight. I'm fucking sick of it. I feel like I'm going to stop using Facebook for most things because it's just too nasty. I've had comments directed at me on Azaria's page from people who don't even know me, giving me advice on a relationship that they know nothing about. I think I'm going to go give my Facebook a clean out, and remove the people I don't talk to on there. There are a lot of them. I'll be removing Azaria and Rose also I guess. I might make my page private as well, so that you have to be my friend to see it. Right now I just feel really violated, and I don't really know if I can explain it, but that's just what I want to do. So that's what I'll do. And then I won't know what Azaria and Rose are saying about me either. At the moment I have 260 Facebook friends. Let's see what I can narrow it down to. I'll post it in my next entry.