the first night
I didn't sleep much. I thought I would because crying is exhausting, but I couldn't. I never got into that deep sleep. I kept waking up. I only checked my phone for the time twice. Once at 2:30am and then again at 6:45am, when I decided that going back to sleep seriously wouldn't happen. It was so hard to get to sleep. It wasn't my bed, my boyfriend wasn't in it. I couldn't have a hug, and that was all I wanted. I would have killed for a hug last night, seriously. Lying there in the dark just felt so alone. I hugged the doona, but it didn't help much. I rang Mark after I got offline. I was already crying anyway. I just wanted to talk to him, see how he was doing. For as long as that matters he has been the last person I have talked to before going to sleep. Even if he wasn't home I'd still ring him to say goodnight. The whole big change was too much for my mind for one day. I needed something that was still normal. He was nice enough to talk to me. I said I couldn't believe it was over, and he told me that I'd forget about him. Five years is a very long time. It's going to take a while to forget this.
Even though I hardly slept I'm not that tired. I wasn't really that tired when I decided to go to bed, I think I just needed to get away from everyone. I instantly regretted that. In the dark the tears came. The thoughts. I dreamt about Mark. I went to see him and he saw my body and took me back, fucked me, because I was irresistable. That won't happen this time. It's already happened. Back in 2007 when he left me after the Sarah bullshit went down, he seen me after a week and fell back in love with me. It's not going to happen this time.
I feel sick. Physically sick. Throwing up would be a nice relief, but it won't happen. The thing I want to expel isn't able to be thrown up. I can't get rid of five years of happy memories by being physically sick. I wish. Then I could just do it and have it over and done with and be ok. Instead I sit here feeling like everything on the inside of me has been ripped out through the place where my heart used to be. I cry and I smile and I laugh and I talk, but the feeling inside doesn't change. I tell myself that it will, but I can't believe anything rational right now. People talk about how I'm being so level headed, how I'm doing so well. No, I'm not really. I want to cry for days, for weeks. I don't want to remember the good times. I want to scream and break down. I am all over the place. The only thing holding me together is my skin. My heart is still with Mark. My mind is splattered against the wall. A hundred thousand thoughts splattered out in front of me, impossible to tear apart, impossible to read one without knowing every single other one. And it's all too much. People aren't supposed to stretch like this. People aren't supposed to have their hearts in places they're not wanted and their minds all over the wall. I'm supposed to be together, but I can't be. Right now, half of me is missing, and I'm never going to get that half back.
I miss him so much. For those who have read Twilight, I feel exactly like Bella in New Moon when Edward leaves her and she has to physically hold herself together to remind herself not to fall apart. I clutch at my stomach to stop things from going everywhere. I cry at the drop of a hat. And I can't stop.
I want to go home. I want to go back to my flat. I want to be somewhere familiar. Right now I have my computer, and that's it. This room isn't mine. That bed isn't mine. The pillow is, but the doona isn't. I want to surround myself with my pillows and my blankets and just crawl up with the kitty that I have helped grow. I want to look to my right and see my photos, my lamp, my jewellery. I want to be able to hug Mark when I cry. I want to run to my best friend and tell him that my boyfriend has left me and I think he's just made the biggest mistake of his life. I want him to tell me that it's all going to be ok, that it's just a misunderstanding, that it'll work itself out. I want to kiss him, and have him make me want him. I want to fuck him damnit. I just need to be that close to him again. I need him. Can I survive without him?
I can't believe I still have tears. How much does a person have to cry before their soul is gone?
I need to do something today. Studying isn't going to be enough. I need to have this big task that I have to do and I need to throw myself into it completely. I'm going to go to Mum's and tell her that I am going to sort her shit out. Right now. I need it. I need to be distracted. I need to not think. I don't want people to ask me how I am. I don't want to remember. I don't want to cry anymore.
I'm not ready to let him go yet. Azaria can't have him. I want him.
I was talking to Ellie last night. That conversation made me feel so much better. She told me how yesterday morning Azaria was 20 minutes late to work, because she was "with Mark". She was bragging about it, like she didn't care that my world has just ended. Ellie said that it had started already, before people knew that Mark and I had broken up. Already she was the slut, the home wrecker. Already people were talking behind her back saying nasty things. Ellie said that she had known Azaria since she was young, since they were kids, and Azaria was always mean to her. When Azaria started working there she was worried that she was going to try to get someone's man, she just worried it wasn't hers, but she's so sorry it was mine. She said she originally thought that Azaria would go for Daniel, because apparently they flirt like nothing else at work. Mark just got in first. I'm trying so hard not to blame myself for that. Ellie said that even Rose was bagging Azaria out, saying how she was sorry that Mark had left me. But that could easily just be because Ellie was talking to her and Azaria wasn't there. Ellie said that the way Azaria was talking yesterday sounded as if her and Mark were going to start dating straight away. Mark told me he'd wait a few weeks, but I told him not to wait on account of me. He said he didn't want to hurt my feelings anymore, but they're pretty crushed beyond recognition right now. He probably doesn't want to be known as the guy that leaves his awesome long term girlfriend for the resident fuck. Yes, he is choosing a few nights over five years. Everyone knows that already anyway. Azaria couldn't keep it a secret that they were fucking. Ellie is going to keep me up to date on everything that Azaria says and does. Right now, I want nothing more than to revert to primal instincts and kick her pretty little skinny ass, because I know that I could. I'd love nothing more right now than to break her nose.
But I won't. I'm a big girl now. I can get charged with assault.
That still isn't going to stop me from playing the pity card. I wrote a note on Facebook with a small description of what happened. I used names. I'm not afraid to say that Mark left me for Azaria. I even named Rose. I didn't say anything bad, so they can't complain, I just told it how it was. Ellie let me know that I was the winner in this situation. The majority of the people were on my side, even if there are no clear cut sides. I am the one that he left. I did nothing wrong. Most people can even understand my choice to open my relationship when I explain it to them. Even Mark's mother hugged me. This isn't my fault. I don't want pity, but everyone feels sorry for me. Or just feels for me. For as long as most people have known us I have been with him. The exceptions are my family, and Ally. Ben and Adam also, but Adam doesn't know yet. Most of the friends I have made I have made while I've been with him. I dont' care if the whole of Big W hates me, honestly. There is still nothing right about leaving someone for someone else. Especially when the someone you're leaving has been your girlfriend for five years and has been with you through everything, and when that someone you're leaving for is a slut that only had sex with you the first time because she was drunk.
Ellie said no one thinks that Mark and Azaria will last. I dont' think so either. He'll realise what he lost with me and will hate himself for it, even if he doesn't love me anymore. I'm not even sure that they'll get together. If Ellie isn't exaggerating, there's probably going to be a pretty big anti-Mark-and-Azaria campaign going. I hope she gets it too. I hope that everyone hates her because there's no way I'm keeping quiet about what happened. People are going to know that Mark left me for her. I don't want to be nasty to him because he did the right thing (I didn't want him staying with me when he didn't love me), but I hope all his friends kick his ass for this. I'm guessing most of his guy friends will be proud because I do think Azaria is hotter than me, but she has no boobs. A fair few of his girl friends are Azaria's friends, so they'll probably be happy as well. But I hope some of them see reason.
I want to go home. And I think I will. I have just as much right to be there as he does. He didn't kick me out. I left voluntarily. He said he would go, but I'd already organised to come stay with Jason.
I've thought briefly about living arrangements. The easiest, cleanest way to go about this is for us to continue living together. Bella told me I shouldn't, and I haven't talked to anyone else about this yet. The pros are: my name is already on the lease and the lease is in place for another six months, it has all my stuff there, I do not want to go back home, it is close to work so I can still walk in the early hours of the morning without putting anyone out, we have six months to decide if we want to keep the flat or if one of us wants to have someone else move in, I get more time to get my licence before I am rendered completely dependent by living on the other side of town. The cons are obvious really: I have to live with Mark, and Mark will want to date other people. I think in a little while I'll be able to accept the fact that Mark and I aren't together anymore. I am level headed enough to be able to detach completely. If I ask him not to bring Azaria over he can't complain. We rent that place together. He doesn't want me to move out. I think it's a convenience thing for him, but he doesn't say it is. I own the fridge and the washing machine, and I pay for half of everything. He can't get far without a fridge or a washing machine. I, on the other hand, do have my own bed (at Mum's), and I do not need a TV. We each have our own computers. We have our fair share of appliances that we own seperately and together. I wrote a list ages ago, and I am glad I did that. I knew that one day we'd be in this position, and I didn't want to have too much to think about. I'll probably stay here at Jason's for about a week. I go back to work on Thursday, and I think it wouldn't be too much to ask if I could stay and he stay somewhere else on Wednesday night. And on the weekend too. I think I am planning on scouting the second hand shops and buying a cheap futon or sofa bed. Now that I'm not paying half of Mark's rego for his car (he understands that) I have a bit more money. I did agree to help get his car fixed though.
I think I'm alright now. I want to go home. If nothing else, I want to shower in my own shower.