hopefully the end of that
Is it appropriate to say "things are back to normal now"? What's normal? Things never go back. Something always changes, and that shapes how things reform. If you break something and glue it together you can see where it was broken before. It might look as good as new, but it's still cracked, still fragile, not as strong as before, more likely to break again. So I guess no, things aren't back to normal. Things are relatively back to normal, but there's that something that is just a tiny bit different this time.
Mark and I had a big, big chat last night. Well I talked, he listened, and talked a little. We talked about everything that has to do with this. I cried, again, a fair bit. I don't know how long it has been since I've cried like that. He said he didn't even think of the Sarah situation and the whole possibility of that repeating itself with this new piece of information that would make his family hate us. He thought, like Azaria thought, that I was simply mad because people knew. While that's no excuse for him taking her side, it explains it. I did say to him that I didn't mind that people knew. I told him that it hurt that he'd taken her side, and not bothered to ask me what the matter really was. And then how I felt when it seemed that he'd rather patch things up with her than patch things up with me. I told him that he had to take care of me first. I come first, and then the other girls. It doesn't matter that she was a friend, because she's a lover now, and I am first in that line. So I was hurt that he'd put so much effort into making her feel better when he didn't even know the reason behind why I was so upset. And then he came home, and we talked, and I cried, and he still didn't ask, and then he spent hours texting her while I did my own thing, and then it wasn't until I tried to go to bed that we talked. It wasn't really his fault that he didn't know, but he should have known. He should have picked up on it. But the whole situation was just really fucked up.
We discussed a lot. He said he wouldn't be friends with her if I didn't want him to be, but that's unfair to do that to him. I said that he can be friends with her, just that I don't really want to be. And he can fuck her again one day if he wants to, and if she wants to, but I have to be ok with it, which is always part of the agreement anyway. I said that maybe we should give this up because it doesn't work, but he said he didn't want to because he didn't want to see me unhappy. He assured me that one day it would work out, and I'm still trying to believe that. He asked me and asked my why I cared so much about what other people think. The answer is simple really. If people find things like this out without getting to know us first, they're not going to get to know us. And then we don't make friends. And that is an issue that I have, because I've never had many friends and I've never understood that.
It was a good talk. We got a lot of things sorted out, and we're better for it. Each time something like this goes wrong we come out of it a little better prepared for the next time something goes wrong. We hope that this is never going to happen with Azaria again. We hope this won't happen with anyone else. We know now to have a clear cut set of rules before anything happens. Things like it should be kept quiet, which is a given for us, but I guess not too many people are as able to do that as us. I've never really had to tell anyone that. Emma never told, because, well I don't know why. And people did actually find out, but I think it was Mark who told first. The whole Sarah thing got out big time, and next to nothing happened with that anyway. It didn't matter that people knew that we slept together, because so much worse went down. Us and Melissa were definately on the same level with this whole thing. She knows that people don't get it, like we know. So we both had no trouble keeping it to ourselves. So I guess in a way Azaria is the first time that this sort of thing has happened. Now we know for next time.
Maybe it is better to keep friends and lovers seperate. Each other person either of us have had has been messy. Amy was messy, Sarah was like a hurricane, Emma got messy, and Melissa was messy for a little while until she moved away. Now Azaria is added to that list as well. Melissa is the only one that things have worked out with, and that's after it got really messy, and then she left town, and then we went for pretty much a whole year without talking. Now things are ok, but they weren't. Maybe we should have people that are either friends or lovers, but you have to be someone's friend to get to know them well enough to want to invite them into your bedroom. And Mark isn't really into the whole dating thing, but the friends with benefits thing isn't really working out. We'll see I guess, next time we meet a girl. That's the problem though really; meeting people. We need to venture out, but I have no idea how to meet people, let alone introduce them into our relationship.I'm thinking of going online, though I know that this sort of thing isn't big in Australia, let alone in the town that I live in. There's got to be something though. I don't know.
Oh and back to Azaria; I told Mark to explain to her the real reason why I was upset, because maybe then she'll understand. He didn't want to, but I told him that he could just tell her the general story; that last time this happened and Mark's family were involved things didn't go too well. Then maybe she'll understand why I flipped out about it. He hasn't told her yet. He says he wants to tell her face to face, not through text, but I don't know why that matters.
I'm talking to Melissa about Azaria and all the shit went down and she just said this; "what you and Mark have is stronger than any given "normal" relationship I know. You may have an "open" relationship, but it takes an enormous amount of trust to allow him to be with others, and the same for him in regards to yourself. You both have talked through any problem yous have and always make sure the other understands. You make sure the other is happy and that's what counts. Not everyone will like the way you two are, but the truth is they don't have to. They should see you for what you are; happy together." I can always count on Melissa to say awesome things like that.
Anyway, time to start talking about the real world. It's like for the last four or so days nothing else has happened. Well it has, though nothing that interesting.
Work has been alright the last few days. We've got too many injured people at work at the moment so today I was put on a normal check out. This pisses me off, a lot. I can understand a few of the people that are injured, but one girl apparently hurt her back lifting a frozen turkey (which you know, weighs what, like two kilos?) before Christmas and is still in there! It just shits me, because if the people in management gave these people adequate time off before returning to work, they're recovery wouldn't be so prolonged. But they don't do that now. Jen hurt her hand yesterday and she was made to work today, with a bandaged hand that she could barely move. I don't like being kicked out. Damn it I want my smoke shop.
I put holidays in. I have a week off on the week starting on the 30th of March. The next week is Easter, and then two weeks after that I go on holidays for my res school. I got my pay slip yesterday and realised that I had 101 hours of annual leave, so I thought what the hell. I really feel like I need a holiday too. The two weeks that I take off for the res schools this year will leave me 50 hours short of that, and it's only 25 for the week I've got there, so I've still got another week free for whenever I need a random day off. These holidays will be good, because I'm going to go and have my massage that Mark bought me for my birthday. And I'll get some study done, and just not worry about work and all that. I really just think I need some time off. Drena said I deserve it, and I think I definately do.
I have done no study since the weekend. Or well since Monday. Yesterday was spent in a very depressive state, so it's no wonder I didn't get anything done then. Today I came home from work and came online, then wrote a shopping list and went and did the shopping. And then we came home, and Mark did the washing up, and I organised his DVD drawer for no other reason other than I was bored. And then we had dinner. Now I'm about to go to bed. I won't get any done tomorrow either because we're having Mark's family over for dinner (we haven't even had my people over for dinner yet, oh I think we have once, but we've had them over too before), and so we'll be cooking and cleaning and making sure the place is baby proofed again. I will get some done on Friday, before work in the afternoon. And then all weekend.
This weekend is Michael's 21st. His party is on Saturday night, which I didn't realise until the other day when I actually read the invitiation that is in the middle of the front of our fridge. That should be fun. Maybe. I actually don't really know.