fights
It's happened now, and I don't even know if I have the words to tell it, but if I don't then I'm just going to sit here with it all festering up before Mark gets home, and that's when the world really will come crashing down.
Azaria didn't even tell Mark's cousin. She just said she did. Her and Mark are having "distance". I told her that distance didn't change the fact that everyone knew about it, and that she was the whore in this situation. She said that she couldn't belive I said that, and I told her that I was just telling it how everyone else is going to see it. She was referring these messages on to Mark, and Mark got the shits when I went and saw him. And now she hates me, and he hates me, and according to Mark now I am going to be central to all the gossip for calling Azaria a whore. And then Mark just would hardly talk to me as I left and he texted me telling me that I didn't need to blow the whole thing out of proportion, that we knew that it was going to get out. And Azaria goes "I'm sick of this I don't deserve to be talked down to" and he's on her side because he obvioulsy doesn't realise how upset I got at the prospect of his family finding this out and he seems to think that now she's said she lied about it that it's all ok. And now Mark rang me from work after I just walked away from him to make sure I haven't hurt myself. He's pissed at me because now she won't talk to him and I don't give a shit. And now I just can't stop crying. I just wish it would all go away. Somehow this is worse than having Mark's family find out, because then at least he'd be on my side. Now I'm all alone.
I just couldn't help thinking that I'd fucked everything up again and this was all my fault, but Drena is convincing me otherwise. I know it's not all my fault. I didn't open my mouth, I didn't lie about telling Mark's cousin. Sure I said things to Azaria that I shouldn't have, but I was understandly angry and hurt. How was I to know that she was lying? All that I know is that she said she told him, after she told me that she didn't mean for everyone to find out, and she said she felt bad that everyone had. Of course the logical thing from her telling Mark's cousin is thinking that it will get back here, which was quite a possibility, and well we all know how things like that go down with them. So it's perfectly understandable that I wasn't happy about it. She doesn't know what happened before, but Mark does.
Thank god that Drena and Ally are on MSN at the moment talking to me. I told Drena that I'd probably be half way through a bottle of vodka if she wasn't online right now. The same goes for Ally. I just really badly needed someone to talk to who knew about all this stuff so that I didn't have to explain it and so that I wouldn't be sitting here alone. If I was sitting here alone I'd be staring at a blank screen contemplating drinking or already drinking. And looking for a pocket knife because I don't know where I hid one last. But now, thanks to Ally and Drena I'm alright. I've even stopped crying. I'll have to tell Melissa about this too because I told her everything this morning, but I don't want to interrupt her at work again.
Mark rang me again. He's trying to sort things out with Azaria. He "doesn't want to lose another friend" because he "doesn't have many". Well I have even less. And I guess I'm used to losing people this way. Azaria makes the end of a very long list. He might be able to salvage their friendship, but I doubt she'd even bother with mine, and I couldn't care less either. There's no way in hell that I'll let him fuck her again, so he can stop thinking about that before the thought even enters his mind. I doubt she would anyway, knowing how it went this time.
He says we're going to talk when he gets home. I've settle down, but I don't know if talking is possible. Especially if he's reconciling with her thinking that she's done nothing wrong. She just texted me asking if I'd rather her just not speak to either of us anymore. Mark didn't seem to be as mad the last time he rang, and he asked me not to text her (as if I as going to of my own accord), so I'm not going to reply because all I can think no is "no I don't want you anywhere near either of us again because look what you have done this time".
I'm so over drama. I feel like crawling into a hole. I don't want Mark to come home. I don't want to talk. I think yelling and screaming could still be appropriate.