Melissa (again)
I went out last night. And had a good time. Both of those events are so hard to accomplish on their own most of the time, so it was pretty damn lucky that I got both last night. I was pretty determined though. I spent a fair while of the night trailing Melissa and her friends, because Mark just kind of dumped me on them. He sat with me for a little while and then left me, and we were with Ellie and Alastair, but they were kind of just doing their own thing. I get the impression that Melissa's friends don't like me much at all, so I felt really awkward sitting there and dancing with them. I kind of really did just trail along feeling odd just going wherever they went and doing whatever they did. Melissa did pay attention to me though, which was good.
I got a little bit bored with hanging around her when it was nearing 12:30am. She was so preoccupied with her friends, because her friends are the sorts of girls who get in lots of verbal arguments and go around going "I'm going to smack that cunt's head in if she comes near me" and apparently last week one of them got kicked out before she got a chance to punch someone (which would have had her banned). So Melissa was looking out for two of the girls so that they didn't get into their own fights, and then she was on the lookout for some random girl who she wanted to punch because she's been saying shit about her, and I'm just like "hey who cares man, let's just dance". And Melissa was real tired, because this week has been like a whirlwind for her with coming down and meeting up with people and being stressed out and all that. I decided that what I said in my last entry about not standing for being ignored and confronting her about it all that was going to stand, or else I would feel like shit (which I knew from personal experience). She walked off to see someone, and left me with the rest of her friends, so I walked away to go and chat to someone else, and I texted her. Yep, I texted her. Not the best method of communication I know, but short from talking to her and making her face you (which is hard) that phone is the best way to get through to her. It's literally her lifeline, she'd be lost without it.
I texted her and said "if I ask you to dance with me will you forget everything for five minutes and have a good time?", and she replied saying yes, so I went to find her and we went and danced. It was just us two, which was good because it meant that she actually danced with me. She was still tired, and preoccupied. I was like "hey just don't worry about it" cause she was designated driver and playing mum as well with all her girls. She needs to just take a chill pill or something. Seriously. But I got my dance, which wasn't as good as I would have liked, but that's only because she was preoccupied and I'm not sure she'd flaunt the fact that she was with me like I would that I was with her. I'm seriously hoping to go to Brisbane one day and go nightclubbing with her and hopefully we can dirty dance all I want. At least in a nightclub the music would be better than the shit they were playing last night!
I said goodbye to her after that. There were other people out that I wanted to spend time with, and I felt all self conscious around her friends because I think they don't like me. I didn't want to hang around them too long. So I told her I was saying goodbye, and that I'd just see her next time she came down. Half way through that conversation she ran into the other girls who grabbed us and went on to the dance floor so I just continued my goodbye there. I hugged her, and she said it was good to see me, and it was great to see her. I said I'll see her next time, and she said we'll keep in touch. I kissed her cheek, and she kissed mine, and then we lip kissed right there in front of everyone, though I'm not sure who saw. I walked away then, and our hands lingered with each others until they fell apart because I was walking. It was a nice goodbye. I honestly cannot wait to see her again. Now that I know that we can have sex and she does want me, everything will be fine. I walked past her a couple of times after I'd said goodbye, with Mark, on my way to find other people, but I just touched her and kept walking.
The rest of the night was good, hanging with other friends. The girl that Mark wanted to hook up with and had over a few weekends ago was out seriously just wearing a t-shirt! She shot me a few awkward stares, but I think warmed up to the fact that I was there. I don't think I like her that much, or maybe that's only because I've officially hung out with her once (last night) and she was drunk. She seems too loud and slutty for me, too willing to hook up with anything that moves. She kisses all of her girl friends, but only quick lip kisses. I think she thinks it's cool. Her and a friend were kissing when they were here, but Mark doesn't find that like really cool, because he can witness me actually full on having sex with another girl.
We got home near 2am and went straight to bed. Well I did anyway, Mark tried to play WoW so that he could sober up a little, and fell asleep on the lounge with the kitty. Now it's nearly 11am and he's still sleeping, hung over. I am fine, just one a few less hours sleep than I would have liked.
So I guess the whole Melissa thing is done and dusted for the moment. Am I feeling any more or less screwed up about how I feel about her? Yes, and no. It was amazing to see her, and to be with her, but she's always been right. I've always wanted something more, and I know that I can't have it with her. And she is this amazing person who I fell in love with this time last year, and just because I'm not in love with her anymore doesn't mean that I don't still love her. She is still amazing, and she is still beautiful, and she is still everything I want that I cannot have. Having her here again brings up all those feelings that I had the first time around, but this time I know how to recognise them and deal with them. No, I am not in love with her, but yes, I do think I hold her higher than she holds me in regards to friendship. Yes, I want to steal her away and keep her forever, but I know that I can't do it, that that's not really what she'd want anyway. She's not as in to me as I am in to her, although I secretly hope that she is. Maybe one day I'll go to Brisbane and we can spend the entire day together, and it'll be different to when she's here because there won't be three hundred people lining up to see her and she won't have to look out for her friends who want to punch people. Maybe one day we can go nightclubbing and she can pay all her attention to me and we can dirty dance and make out and go home with each other. Maybe one day. I'm sure if I ask her to do it for me that she will, but I want her to want to spend time with me too. I'm thinking it'll be easier in a big city where no one really knows who we are, as opposed to here where she knows and has to see everyone.
That's what I'm hoping for anyway. To see her, and have one night with her where it's just about us. And it doesn't even have to be about love, we'll just be friends who get off on each other. That's all it's about now, sex. The friendship part is seperate. I think it honest to god is seperate now. I think I can do that.
Today is January 4th 2009. Exactly a year ago Melissa took her last night out here before moving away in the next few days. That was the night that she ignored me, and I got upset, and she told me that we could be nothing more than friends, and I said that all I wanted was five minutes to dance. Apparently that was a bad night for her, something was going on, but there is always something going on with her. It's a world of difference to how we're acting around each other. We both know it's about the sex now, and we're both completely fine with it. I just really, really cannot wait to see her again. I miss awesome hot girl sex when I can't have it.
She said we'll keep in touch, and I believe it this time. She's been in Brisbane for a year, and things are less hectic for her now. She ignored me for a while, maybe because I was in love with her, I don't know. But now we're friends, and sex buddies, so now we will keep in touch. If nothing else, she likes the fact that I am a girl, and that I want to hook up with her.