listening to the same few songs
I was feeling great before, but now I'm feeling a little bit lost.
I handed everything in for TAFE today, which was a huge achievement because I really didn't think I would get it all done. I did a heap of work on my diary, much more than anyone else did, much more than necessary, but as much as I wanted to. I'm proud of it. I wanted to do it, because I've never really put much effort into anything. I handed in six colour photos, and I didn't think the teacher would like them but he did. I handed in five black and whites, all of them I love except one with cows in it. Eww. He liked it though, and he is marking the work. I only needed to hand in three of each, but I had trouble deciding. And I didn't hand it extra to get extra marks for them. I handed in extra because I liked them and wanted to, because I love photography.
For the most part of today it was only me, Precious and Lexi, and it was a good day. We talked about the most random things, from depression to eating crumbed sheep brains. Precious did some photographs for an animation thing that she'll be putting together next week. She took about seven hundred photos of this plasticine blob changing shapes into different animals. It's going to be pretty awesome. Lexi did her poster which she hadn't done yet. I cut my cardboard and stuck my photos to them, processed my film and developed my final photo for assessment (which I love, I'm seriously going to hang it on my wall).
Just hanging with Precious and Lexi was a tad strange though. In any other situation a girl like Precious and a girl like Lexi wouldn't hang out together. And of course I'm the weird one who would hang out with both of them. At one point Precious goes out for a smoke and makes me go out with her because she wants someone to talk to. She then tells me that Lexi lies alot about things about her health, that she isn't on dialysis for some hereditary kidney problem, that she isn't bipolar and things like that. Precious bases this on meeting her mother, and Lexi not saying anything about her kidney problems in front of her own mother. That doesn't sound like credible basis to figure out if something is a lie. I doubt that Lexi would lie about it. There's really no reason to. We never gave her sympathy for it, and she's not the kind of girl to ask for sympathy. She can take care of herself. If she says she's on dialysis and anti-depressants, well I believe her.
Then on the way home (Lexi gave me a lift) we were talking about Precious. It wasn't anything bad of course, just how she's settled down a little bit lately in regards to boys. Lexi said "I'd rekon she would have had a kick in the ass, like a pregnancy scare that she couldn't handle or something", which is actually exactly what happened, and I said that.
Neither Lexi nor Precious is overly responsible, but they're nice people, and I love both of them. I don't really want to do any he-said-she-said bitching between them. They're both entitled to their opinion, and they're allowed to air it, but it doesn't really matter to me if someone is lying or someone is a slut. To me they're just Precious and Lexi, my friends from TAFE. I've gotten pretty close to Lexi over the last few weeks, since we both found out that the other is probably just as messed up. Nothing like a bit of depression and medication to bring us all together. Lexi and I are also both getting counselling at the same place, and she is going to have an appointment with Eden. Speaking of, they finally rang me back today. I see Eden again on the 12th of December, and it looks as if I'll have to take the day off work, or turn up an hour and a half late, which doesn't seem worth it. I think I'll just take the day as annual leave. Katie probably won't be happy about it but it's just one five hour shift. I'm fairly confident they'll be able to cover it.
Yesterday I picked out my units for uni next year. I also submitted an application for a transfer to the straight B.Psych. I've got two units in semester one (one psych and one sociology) and three units in semester two (two psych and writing). I've got the dates for my res schools, and I'll be staying for five days in September, which is going to cost me nearly $500. I'm optimistic for next year's study load. I won't have TAFE, so I'll have more study time. Also I'm out of the first year subjects so that means things will be a little more specific, instead of all the introductory stuff. I'm planning on putting a lot of effort in, but we'll see how things go. Of course that's all subject to change if I'm allowed to transfer, in which case I'll have a lot of psych units, but I'm really not sure of what units they offer or even how many there are to choose from. I feel very university illiterate at the moment.
I have the feeling I'm going to be a little bit lost now. I live for the deadline, which is why none of the major stuff that I need to do gets done. Because even though I need to do it, there is no one there saying "you need this done by such and such a date" so maybe I should do that to myself. With all my uni stuff finished, my photgraphy stuff handed in and my uni stuff organised for next year (apart from textbooks, which I won't be able to buy until next year), I've got nothing that needs doing, except Christmas shopping and cooking, and it's too early for cooking and I have no idea what I'm buying anyone. I'm really going to try hard to get some things done that I've been meaning to do for a while. I really am going to try. First of all I need to tidy up, because the study is a mess and the kitchen is a bit of a mess and everything is just a bit of a mess. I'm also going to tidy up the files on my computer and finishing organising my photos and music. I want to do lots of things, I just lack motivation most of the time.
Today Precious asked me why I wasn't happy. It was so random. She goes "Kitty, why aren't you happy?" and I'm all "uh, is that a general question, or relating to today or...?". I thought I was pretty happy at TAFE today. Mark kind of starting talking to me about the same thing last night. He actually hinted at him making me depressed because me being with him doesn't seem to make me better. I told him that just because I'm not getting better doesn't mean that I'm not not getting worse. I've always been depressed, and it's complicated. But being with Mark is definately a good part of my life, when we're not fighting anyway, which we haven't been lately. I was depressed before I fell in love with him. I figure most of it has to do with the way I was raised and my family situation, which lead to the thoughts that have formed that I'm not good enough and don't deserve anything. Then of course that is contradicted with Mark and my friends who love me and treat me amazingly, so I get confused and go "wait, do I deserve this? No I don't think so. But they do. Maybe I don't deserve it" because the bad was there before the good. It's pretty hard to fight something that has always been there, but I think I'm winning, slowly. I honestly don't know what will make me better. At the moment it's a cocktail of drugs and therapy, and trying to keep myself occupied whenever things get bad, and just escaping into a fictional world. Music, writing and reading come into that heavily. I don't know how I'll be getting better tomorrow, or in a week, or in a month. I just do whatever feels right. Sometimes that's cutting, and sometimes that's writing. I do want to get better and be happy, but there is still a part of me that wants to stay depressed and get worse. I'm very torn, and very confused when it comes down to it. It'll be good to see Eden again after so long, even though I've still got a couple of weeks left yet. I really can't wait.
There's an exhibition from the TAFE that opens tonight. One of my photos is in it. I don't think I'll go to the opening though, I couldn't be bothered. I will, however, go and check it out. I'll take Mum, and she can be proud of me. I'll take Mark, and he can also be proud of me.
Mark's going to be annoyed that I didn't go and pay rent. I said I was only considering walking home. It was too hot anyway, so I asked Lexi to give me a lift. It's a fair walk, and it's a hot day today, as opposed to the last three where it's been raining. He can go over and pay it tomorrow morning, while I'm working my ten and a half hour day. Ew. It shouldn't be too bad though. Saturdays are good to work because it's busy.
My thrush is all cleared up. I didn't think the cream was working, but it did. And I am so thankful. Thrush is very not cool, and very, very irritating. Mark will be happy too. Somehow knowing that I physically can't have sex with him makes him want it more. He's the same when I'm on my period. It's kind of funny.
Twilight was released in the US today. I've still got like another two weeks or so to wait. It comes out on December 11 here, and I cannot wait. I so want it now! Though that will give me time to finish Eclipse and start and finish Breaking Dawn with Mark. I might go the movies on my birthday, it'll be like a treat to myself. I haven't been to the movies in so long. There just hasn't been anything decent released lately. I'm guessing I'll probably go and see it more than once, just because it'll be that good and I'm that obsessed, but I'm going the first time just with me and Mark. I want to take other people, but if they don't like it it'll make me feel bad because I love it so much. Not bad, just weird. Anyway, I'm pretty sure it will be amazing.
I think I might write a list of all the things I want to get done before Christmas, and when to do them, and who wants what as a gift. I'm also thinking against that because I seem to be really bad at keeping to a list. I can't even stick to a shopping list unless I try super hard. But at the same time, I need some sense of direction and organisation. I'll debate over this one some more, and then I'll probably write a list.