the night before
Maybe I might be able to explain last night now. Only 15 or so hours after the whole incident occured.
Mark didn't hate me. He was upset, but not angry, at least not until this morning anyway. I drank one bottle of wine and shot one shot of rum, which burned the whole way down. I had four cuts on one leg, five on the other, and five little scratches that didn't break the skin on my left wrist. I clearly was not thinking when I did those. In addition to that I also have another three cuts on one of my legs from this morning. I left the place a bit of a mess, with my wine bottle and glass still on my desk, and the shot glass still on the bench. I think I left all the downstairs lights on, but that was for Mark for when he came home.
Mark got home at around midnight. There was no phone service where he was at, which is why he didn't get my messages or phone calls. I rang him at one point before I went to bed and just said "I need you". I didn't want to stay up any later and do god knows what, so I went to sleep around 10:30pm, just after that shot of rum. I didn't sleep well. I woke up every so often, swearing that I hadn't fallen asleep in the first place. Mark came in and seen me when he got home, and I remember him asking me why I was drunk. The night is really just a blur. There were too many times of sleeping and being half awake and swearing that I hadn't slept. I rang him at one point, not sure where he was in the house and not bothered to call out. He came and layed with me but didn't go to sleep. He said he came to bed at about 1am, and I think I remember that, but I'm not sure if that's just because I woke up at some random time and he was finally there. I woke up at about 5am absolutely starving, so I went and had a few lollies and then went back to sleep. Woke up half rested at about 7:30am, maybe closer to 8am, I'm really not sure.
We talked about things this morning before I went to have a shower. I showed him my legs, and he was hurt. I didn't show him my wrist, but it's really not that hard to not notice that. No one else notices, but I guess no one looks at me all the time. He was upset, and he did get angry after I woke him at about 10:30am. He's tired and not feeling well, and I was tired and depressed, so we both had short fuses. We're ok now though. I'm ok. I guess that's the main thing.
I know exactly what set me off last night. It almost set me off this morning, but instead I went and woke Mark up and got him out of bed. I was watching The OC, season one, where Marissa is close with Oliver and Oliver is very mentally unstable, doing stupid things like getting busted buying coke and faking taking pills. Those were the two episodes I watched last night. This morning was Oliver being a little bit more actually mentally unstable, and holding Marissa hostage with a gun to his head after she found out that he was crazy. For some odd reason, being mentally unstable is so appealing to me. I don't know why, I don't know how. I even know that wanting it is stupid, but sometimes I just get into mindsets like that. It's always why I've thought there never really has been anything wrong with me, it's just something that I want. But then in a way wanting it and moving towards it means that there's something really wrong after all. It's not normal, and very much not healthy, to want to hurt yourself just for the sake of it. To want to be so drunk you don't know where you are, just for the sake of it. It even seems really stupid now that it's in another place besides my thoughts, but that's how I feel. For me, things like cutting aren't for relief, it's just for something to do.
And it's not liking knowing what things like that do to me means that I'll stop watching things like that. I relate to mentally unstable people, even if they are only fictional at times. I'm screwed up, possibly more screwed up than I imagined. I think sometimes I purposely seek things out that will put me into one of those moods. I don't know why. I don't want anyone to ask about it, because I probably won't want to talk about it. There's nothing to talk about if I haven't figured out why yet.
Today has been ok. I'm still really quiet and shy and all of that. Mostly tired I think. Ally texted me at about 9am this morning asking if I was ok. It's nice to know that some people pay attention. That made me feel better, even though I scared her unnecessarily. I feel bad for that. I feel bad for Mark too, but he's ok now. He said something like "I know you're still depressed, and you're not really coping that well, and that's ok". We went over town and had lunch at one of the pubs just for something to do. Mark hasn't been feeling well with gut pains and constant need to go to the toilet. I'm fearing he's got the gastro thing or something horrible like that that's been going around. I don't want it. I really, really don't want it. Mum rang and asked us if we wanted to go there for dinner instead of them coming here because of my early shift tomorrow morning, but we've declined. We went around there to see them because I had some mail to pick up, and declined dinner again, even though Mum bought heaps of food. We went to Big W and I bought both Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. The shelf seemed a whole lot emptier since I bought New Moon, so Mark decided I may as well buy both the last ones. I'd only be back in another four days to buy the fourth anyway. I haven't started it yet, instead reading Mark another chapter of Twilight because now he's enjoying it because it's started to get interesting for him! He has the idea of what happens at the end of the book anyway, probably just from the trailer and what he's heard online, but it's the details that count the most.
I'm feeling a bit less heavy hearted at the moment, but still no where near a good mood. I just don't know what to do. There is nothing I want to do, except perhaps constantly read Twilight to Mark, but I can't because he won't let me and my voice will go. He's playing WoW at the moment. I wanted to do so much this weekend in the way of study and housework, but of course whenever I think to plan anything I always get like this. I did, however, get over town yesterday morning to look at things I might want for my birthday and for Christmas, and things to buy other people for Christmas. I found a shop that I've only ever been into once, well twice now, and I absolutely fell in love with it. I told Mark anything from there would be fine! I didn't look in many clothes shops considering I really feel like having some new clothes.
I had a realisation last night. Or maybe it was the night before. Oh well at some point in the last few days anyway. And I can't get it out of my head. I want to be someone. I know that probably sounds ridiculous because I am someone, I am me, but that's not what I mean. I want to be someone interesting, like the awesome people you meet or see on TV shows that already have this whole personality set up that's different from everyone else. The main example I can think of is Abbey off NCIS. I'm not saying I want to be like her, but I want to be someone like her, with the personality and all that clear cut from the first time you ever see her. I feel like I don't have a personality at all. I'm not anyone. I just fit in the crowd, so much so that no one ever really notices me. I want to be cool. I want to be interesting. I want to be someone that people take notice of. I have no style. I don't fit into any social group or stereotype. I'm just not anyone.
And no, I don't feel like elaborating more on that.
It's 11 hours until I start work tomorrow. It's not a comforting thought. At least I seemed to be drained of energy so I'll be able to go to sleep early. Or maybe it'll be another sleep disturbed night where I keep waking up. I hope not. I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow, but at least it will be over with time to spare. I never mentioned that Nat is going over to systems, which is the ticketing department and stuff, so she'll be doing heaps of weird hours now. Every Monday she does a midnight-9am shift, which would be horrible, but she likes it. I don't think she'll like it after a while. Then on Friday at work we had a talk about a mass exodus because no one really wants to stay on the front end. Andie asked to go to the bakehouse a while back because she was sick of the way she was being treated on front end, but they wouldn't take her off the floor cause they're all too lazy to find someone else to do her job. Joe wants to go to the cash office, or anywhere else I think. Shell said once she was asked to go to systems, but they wouldn't let her go either. Joe said they wouldn't let me go anywhere because of the hours I do in smokeshop (too many for them to lose me), even though a while back Katie wanted me out of there anyway.
I had my doctor's appointment yesterday morning to check up on my medication. I mentioned to my doctor how my lows have been getting lower, no matter how less frequent. She suggested I take one and a half tablets a day, but I got my script filled for capsules and I don't like taking tablets. She then suggested I take two tablets a day. It's something I'm unsure of, but after last night it's probably necessary. Two just seems like a bit much, but maybe it really is necessary. It's just going to cost a whole lot more, which is something I'm a little worried about. She said to try it for a month, and if it works she'll give me a script for the double dosage instead of me just taking two tablets (which this month is going to cost me around $55). I'm a bit hesitant, and not sure when to start. I know I'll probably get all those nasty side effects again, and especially now that Mark seems to have some sort of stomach bug, I don't want to have a chance of getting that on top of being nauseous from my medication. I just don't know. I'm undecided, even though I know I should probably do it.
I have an appointment with Eden this week. I wonder if I'll tell her about last night. We're focusing on relationships at the moment and my interpersonal skills, as well as my core beliefs about myself. I've got a lot of things to write down for the little homework she gave me to do, much like the last one about situations and my feelings.
This morning Mark got Precious's number out of my phone and texted her. I don't know what he wanted, but then I found out, well guessed really, that he'd asked her if she'd sleep with me. I don't know how many times I've told her that she wouldn't be interested, and then that she really wasn't when I told him about our conversation about it the night before last. She actually invited me out to go water skiing with her and her family yesterday, but I said no because I really wanted to get some photography stuff done. I should have gone. Anyway, it was nice to know that me asking if she'd sleep with me didn't scare her off and make her not want to come near me! I don't think she'd be that stupid to realise that I'm attracted to her anyway. She knows she's hot as! I don't know why Mark texted her asking her that. I think maybe he was just grasping at straws to cheer me up this morning. Needless to say she said "I'm not really into that sort of thing" and I just laughed when he told me about it. I already knew that.