some more on the drug topic
So last night while I was doing my big three hour tell-him-everything-that's-happened talk with Mark I mentioned that Mum had said that John was doing drugs and that it was something I'd pretty much known he was doing for a while anyway. There were many drug references in late night arguments that we weren't supposed to hear when we were younger. I remember one specifically one night in Yamba while we were staying at my Pop's house, and he was yelling at Mum because of John taking drugs and I was thinking "why isn't he kicking him out" or whatever.
Anyway then Mark turns around and goes "oh well I guess I don't have to hide it from you anymore" and I freaked out a little. He said that he knew for sure that John had always smoked pot because John offered Mark and Michael some while we were away on our big holiday in 2006. At first I was really annoyed, because Mark's been against drugs forever, and he's complained on numerous occasions about being around people who smoke pot and how yuk it makes him feel. Once when we were in Dubbo we were in his cousin's hotel room and they were smoking pot and then the whole next day Mark complained about it and how bad of a headache he had. And he came to school one day saying that there'd been a kid smoking it at the bus stop and he just felt sick from it. I was annoyed because Mark has said on a few occasions that he would probably disown me if I touched drugs. That's how against it he is. Obviously not. He said he only had one puff, and I don't know whether to believe him or not. I mean, I kind of figured that Mark would have tried a few of those things, especially seeing he knows some people who do that. They're not really undesirable people, more just like people that would easily do that sort of thing.
Then I thought "how dare he [John] do that?". I just couldn't imagine what would have made him think that it was ok to offer them pot on my holiday. Not that it was my holiday, it was a family holiday as well as a holiday with my friends. That's what makes me think that Mark did it more than once. Mark and Michael spent a lot of time with John drunkenly wondering around the resort we stayed at, and it annoyed me no end. I don't know why they spent so much time together, when they don't even really like each other. I hated it how they were drunk all the time. I wanted a holiday with my friends, not a holiday with Ally and two always drunk idiots. It was a good holiday, but I did spend time annoyed at Mark for being off drunk and not spending time with me. So then I was more annoyed at Mark, because that kind of ruined the whole holiday experience for me. Now I hate John even more, which is possible because it's always possible to hate someone more.
I got thinking more about Mum, and why she would even allow that in her house. I don't get it. I wouldn't allow it in my house, no matter how much I loved that person. There'd be an ultimatum, and if they chose the drugs than I'd know that that person wasn't meant for me anyway. She obviously would have known that he was smoking pot before Jayden was born. I remember knowing them for years before he was born. Mum says 13 years, well Jayden is only 10. How far into a relationship do you introduce drug habits? There wouldn't have been the excuse of kids back then, so why did she stay with him? I have no idea. Louise and I never really liked him, but he was kind of the last in a string of boyfriends, none of which I remember liking. I know she obviously must have liked him at some point, probably even loved him because they stayed together.
This is where I begin thinking that maybe Mum smoked it too, and that would just render all faith in my mother gone. To me, that seems like the only logical reason that she would have allowed it, especially in her house and around her children, for so long. Maybe it's the reason that she stayed with him even when he was an asshole. If they fought so much about it, why didn't they just end it? Are the kids the real reason she's hung around for so long? She would have been so much better off getting rid of him long ago. He's like a dead weight, he just pulls people down. She's complained about him for so long, that is just doesn't make sense why they're still trying. So what they have kids, does that really matter? I sometimes think that Jayden and Bub would be better off without John. I know I can't really say it from my standpoint, but Louise looks as if she turned out alright without a father. I didn't, but I don't know if she struggles like I do.
This whole thing frustrates me no end. I have no idea why I hate pot so much more than all the other drugs, but I'm guessing if John was a meth head or something it'd probably piss me off just as much. Then maybe it's because it is pot, and it seems to be the mildest of all the drugs. Maybe Mum wouldn't have put up with it if he was snorting cocaine or on ice or something. There's no way she would have kept him around her kids if he was seriously addicted to something bad.
I feel like I've kind of been living in a fantasy world. Nothing is how I thought anymore. I thought we were a family that was so much better in the area that we were living, that we just ended up in that part of town because Mum had been betrayed and couldn't work because of the kids and we were poor, but now it seems like our family is just the same as everyone else there. Thank god I don't live there anymore. I'm sure Louise can't wait to get out of there either, and Jayden and Bub won't be able to wait to leave once they're old enough, unless something changes. I thought that we just ended up in that area of town by some unfortunate series of events (which was us not having any money because my father left us) but thinking about it now, I feel like we fitted in there just as much as any of our neighbours did. Our neighbours on the left side were a family that grew their own pot. They yelled and screamed and fought all the time. They were loud and crude. There were punch ups in the middle of the street. There was scandal, someone ended up with someone's boyfriend and one of the daughters got pregnant and whatever. Our neighbours on the right kept to themselves, but they weren't really any better than the ones on the right. They were aboriginal, and the aboriginals that lived around us were the bad kind. I think they were lesbians, and there was a guy who was there a fair bit as well. There was a little girl as well, I dont' know who she belonged to. They fought with each other a lot. We heard every word they said. Our neighbours across the street were much the same really. There was the drug house, where everyone in it probably did every sort of drug you could get your hands on. Directly opposite us was "fatty and skinny", this horrible fat women and this puney little guy and fatty owned the street. Everytime there was an argument all she had to do was walk across the street and they'd stop and go their own ways. It's no wonder too, she scared me and I only ever seen her from across the street. I wouldn't want to get hit by her.
And now it's just like, well our house was a drug house too. Did John sell his drugs from our house? I remember John's friends always coming around. How high was he most of the time? How often did he smoke? Obviously they hid enough so that we wouldn't know, but I figured it out anyway. Why tell us now? I was perfectly fine just thinking, and now I'm thinking that Mum was a pot smoker too because to me, that seems the only reason she'd allow it. I don't get it. I thought she was better than that. Maybe she's not. Maybe she's had just as many drug run ins as John has had. I mean, it's not looking good for poor Mum, I've lost faith because of the way my family is, and now I'm losing faith because of the way Jayden and Bub's family is turning out. She's not making many good choices, although if she did I wouldn't be around.
There were a lot of fights at our house too, which makes us fit in to that neighbourhood as well. While the neighbours yelled and screamed and cursed each other Louise and I would watch out the window for entertainment. And then we had our own fights. Mum and John, although one of those hasn't happened for a while (probably because he's more absent than anything now). Sam and his sister used to yell and scream at each other a lot too. Not too long ago John and Sam had a big one, but I wasn't there. I'm pretty sure that was after I moved out.
This is really getting me down. I just feel really betrayed, even though no one has purposely done anything to hurt me. It's not feeding into my issues very well that I feel like I've lost faith in pretty much everyone. Mark said I still have Ally, and I do. And Charlotte. My own family doesn't' even feel like my family, and I feel like I'm trying not to be who I was with relationships but I still feel like I'm losing people. Who knows how many more people I know do drugs. I know I'm judging people like Mum and Mark, and I shouldn't be, but Mark knows how bad drugs are, and he talks about how much I'd hurt him if I did them. I just feel like the world is failing me. I lost faith in most of the people I know now. I feel horrible for Jayden and Bub, is a drugged up father better than no father at all? I feel like I need to protect them from John treating them the same way he treated his other two kids (and eventually handing them their own drugs) but also from ending up as screwed up as I am, but I just feel like I can't do anything for anyone. I just want out of this shitty dysfunctional family. Actually, just out of this shitty dysfunctional life.