being bored = a blog
Motivation does not do well when paired with indecision.
But that's the problem; I want to do something, but I don't know what I want to do. If someone could tell me something to do than I'd do it, but I can't for the life of me pick something out myself. My to-do list is huge, but I can dismiss every item on it with an excuse for why I shouldn't do it now. Some excuses are valid, like there are things I need to buy or pay for that I can't do at the moment because the shops are closed or I don't have enough money. Most of them though will just take too long to do. I have so many photos and files to organise on my computer. I want to print out photos and put them in albums. I want to put all my music files into one folder. I want to save all my blogs to Word, including those from MSN Spaces from 2005. I want to retag all my LJ entries. That all takes time, and I've started a few of those, but I don't want to start any more until I finish what I've started. But I don't want to do that now. I never know what I want to do, but I always know what I don't want to do.
Room temperature pineapple juice isn't good to drink. I just took a poppa and now it's making me feel sick. I should have put it in the fridge, but hours ago I didn't know I was going to want it now. And my fridge isn't big enough to always keep things like that in it.
Mark's car broke down this afternoon. Again. I swear he just needs a new car. He bought a new battery right before we went to see Dance and it seems as if the battery is the problem again. We sat in the carpark for a while and Alastair came and jump started the car, but then it died as we turned into our street. Luckily we live right next door to the corner or else it would have been a long push. Mark needs to get it looked at, but he doesn't have the money for it.
It's still raining. Actually I think it has stopped now. It was raining. I was only in it two hours ago. I hope it's still raining tomorrow. I've decided I quite like walking in the rain. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and I know how far it is so I won't need to leave early and walk around doing nothing. I'm quite tired after all that walking. I did a lot of it today. If I had the time and energy I'd go for a walk every day because the only exercise I get at the moment is walking to and from work. There's lots of nice houses around here as well. I adore old houses, and this street has plenty. I want to own one one day. I hope to.
I'm really tired, but I don't want to go to bed so early again. That's probably the reason behind me wanting to get up and do something, but I just don't know what. I don't think I have the energy anyway. I just read a magazine, which made me tired, because lately I've been reading before I go to sleep. Maybe I'm just in that habit now. I also think I need something to eat, but I had lunch today. Mark upped me when I didn't eat all my chips because he was like "eat it, you didn't eat anything else today" and since then I've eaten two mini packets of chips while I was stuck in the carpark, and I just ate those because I was bored sitting there. I guess that's my daily food intake, even though I did so much walking today.
Mark has gone to poker, which is one of the reasons behind me not cooking dinner yet. Looks like we'll be having mince chow mein tomorrow night. I didnt' want him to go to poker, but there wasnt' really anything I could say to change his mind. He wanted to go. He was pissed because of his car anyway. I don't know if he would have done anything with me. We've cooked for the last two nights anyway, and the vegetables should be right until tomorrow. I don't want him to be out late. I didn't really want him to go at all. He has to stay until Alastair is out because he went with him. So now I'm stuck at home bored and lonely. He'd be able to tell me something to do.
I've noticed that lately I have become so depandent. I used to be independant, apart from the whole not having a licence thing. Now it's like I can't do anything. I don't go and pay rent, I don't do anything like that. Nothing is in my name except the lease, which has both our names on it. It was actually a little bit of a battle convincing myself to ring the real estate this morning about the shower. Mark told me to do it so I did, and it was leaking pretty badly. It's been leaking for the last few days, and I could have rang yesterday but I didn't. I'm also yet to ring the council so that we can get another recycle bin (one for bottles and cans, we have a paper one), but someone has a spare one that they don't use so we just kind of adopted that one. I do a lot of things for myself, like I make my own doctors appointments and I call myself in sick for work and all that sort of stuff, but that is stuff I've always done. I just feel like I can hardly do anything on my own anymore. It's a weird feeling. I want to be independant again, but I don't have the motivation. I've just lost that.
It's Bub's birthday on Thursday. He's one year old already. It's so crazy. I remember walking around in Big W the day after Mum had told me she was pregnant. She said "I thought I better tell you because you've probably noticed that I'm getting a bit fat" and I hadn't noticed, but after that I did. I remember going to the hospital. Mark and I slept in the cabin that night, and Mark woke at about 2am to go to the toilet, and Mum was standing in the kitchen at the window. Apparently she was making a sandwich. Then that morning we got a call at around 8am, saying that Mum had had a boy. We woke Louise and Jayden and took them up to the hospital. We didn't even really get dressed, just chucked on the clothes from the day before. I remember I spent a lot of time in hospital with Mum. I just went up there a lot for something to do. I look back on photos and I never realised how yellow he was from juandice, but now I can tell. I can't believe it's been a year. He's so big too. He's almost walking. He pulls himself up on a lot of things. He dances too, it's the cutest thing you've ever seen. I think it's really good that I have a baby brother, because I know lots of people my age who want to have or have had kids. I think most people don't realise how much hard work it is. I'm glad that I know and I've been through it without having my own baby. I couldn't handle that sort of responsibility. I don't want kids for another five to ten years. That said, I dont' want to be one of those old mothers. Thinking about it now, Mum will be 60 when Bub is 20. I will be 40. It's such a big age difference. I dont' want to be an old mother, but I don't want to be a young one either.
About half an hour ago I decided that I might look up some porn. I was quite bored, so I was like "oh let's just go get myself off" because I tend to masturbate when I'm bored (as opposed to actually first being in the mood). I went to the site I frequent and started browsing through some video clips to download and started to download a couple, but then there was nothing. Not one little ounce of arousal at all. I think I'm going to tell Mark about this. He makes jokes about how if I was with a girl I'd be having more sex and that if he was a girl I'd be so much more turned on. I just need to turn around to him and say "look lesbians didn't turn me on today either". Sometimes I think that he just thinks that I don't want to have sex with him because he's male. I think he thinks that I love him, but I'm not attracted to him. It's not true. Lately I just don't feel attracted to anyone. Maybe that's part of the reason I've decided to give up on Precious. One day when Mark said that I didn't feel like sex with him because he's not a girl I said "no I just don't feel like sex, and that means with anyone". I dont' lie when I say that. There are times when I'd be more likely to pick a girl over Mark given the choice, but there are also times when I'd rather just have neither.
I really need to do some uni work. I have an assessment due in in a week, so I just noticed today. That's probably what I should do now, but I'd much rather listen to music than a lecture. I think I might make a time for it. I'll do it tomorrow after I get home from the doctors.
My throat is really quite sore. I'm not phased by it, it seems to be something that happens every so often now. I don't know if it's because of the medication, or because sometimes I might just talk too much, or something that I've eaten or drank, but it's something that I'm starting to get used to. I just tend to not talk so much and try to ignore it. I just hope it'll go away. It hurts the most when I yawn, but my whole face hurts when I yawn because my jaw pops. And I seem to be yawning more than usual lately. I just wish this tiredness thing would fuck off. I'm so sick of wanting to go to bed at 9pm, and it's not even 9pm yet! I'm already going into go-to-bed mode. I need to watch something. Last Thursday when I went to bed late I'd watched two episodes of Gossip Girl. Watching something takes my mind off being tired, while filling in time. I think I might go watch some Smallville.