you can't keep safe what wants to break
One of the most frustrating things ever is wanting to do something so much and not actually being able to do it. At the moment I just feel so, unresolved.
I should have known that the minute I wrote that things were going well that things would change, and of course they did. I woke up this morning feeling kind of betrayed because I had a dream where Mark (or someone?) went behind my back and did something that I had specifically not wanted that person to do. That's all I can remember, the reason why I woke up in a bad mood, but not what actually I dreamt about. It doesn't really matter does it?
It's been raining all day, and it's gotten a bit colder as well. TAFE was boring. The teacher is at the stage where he's going through the basics of PhotoShop, and I learnt it in his other class. There wasn't a spare computer so I sat there doing absolutely nothing.
I still feel like I'm losing Precious. She's not herself anymore for some reason. Oh, her Pa is dying of cancer, so that's why. It sucks because in some weird move she's become closer to Annie and less close to me and I feel horrible about losing her even though I never really had her. She randomly makes comments, like today she said "but I'm your favourite?", but I don't know what to make of them. After that night where we messaged each other naughty photos, nothing happened. I don't know how to make something happen. I'm not in the mood to try anything. Actually I'm not in the mood to put myself out there and try to make myself believe that the end product could not be me getting hurt. I'd just prefer to remain hurt rather than to hope that I might not be. I don't even know if she wants anything. She hasn't had sex in nearly three weeks, which is a record for her. She's just, changed maybe. I don't know. It's frustrating me but, because I so badly want just to be with her once, but I don't have the motivation to try it because I'm sure she'll say no. Last time when she was here and I made her CDs I would have loved to be able to at least suggest something, but I'm not all for that awkward after feeling after she says no, and she had to leave quickly. I invited her to a poker game tomorrow night, but she'll be working until around 10pm, and as always when I'm defeated, I told her not to worry about it. I had an idea for some photos that I wanted to take and I asked her to be my model and she pretty much said no. I didn't tell her but the photos I wanted were a little more risky than what our TAFE teacher would perhaps encourage, but they would have been awesome. She didn't sound that interested (and yes I was texting so I don't know for sure) so I told her not to worry about it.
After lunch at TAFE I got into the darkroom, but I had no motivation to print any decent photos. And I don't really have any. I printed one that I'll be using for my end of assessment. It's of a girl that used to be in the class. She always complained about photos but she was the perfect subject. She was gorgeous and unique. So I snuck a photo of her one day at the park. I'm not even sure she knows I've got it.
I had to rush to work today in the rain. Work was crazy as hell busy and it wasn't too bad until little things started to get to me. When it's busy and there's only two girls in express I'll always serve, but my smoke shop comes first so whenever a customer approaches I'll close off and serve them no matter how many people are in the express line. Today I couldn't. One of the older ladies took over my smokeshop for about half an hour, which really pissed me off because it's my job not hers. And she didn't have allowance for the register so she was walking back and forth and needing customers to walk around through all the people. She should have just let me do it because it's easier for all. And then later on Mrs Emily took over and god that women gets on my nerves. That pissed me off a lot today for some reason. Then I was annoyed with the vast majority of people, which didn't bother me before then. And then some homeless bum came through my register and tried to con me into letting him giving me not enough money before producing more than enough money. And he smelt. I cannot deal with people who smell. Despite it being so busy I did get all my work done relatively early.
Then Mark didn't come and pick me up like I'd asked him to. I rang him to ask him if he was waiting for me and he was all like "what? I'm at home on the computer" I told him I'd left him a note but he'd been too busy playing the computer to realise the notepad sitting on the kitchen bench. I told him not to worry about it and I walked home. He knew I was pissed. I was in a bad mood when I got home and hardly spoke to him. He didn't have dinner ready, which annoyed me because I'd asked him to have it ready. And with the way I am lately it's just one thing on top of another and seemingly little things ruin it. After a CSI:Miami I wasn't feeling too bad, but now I'm on my lonesome on the computer while Mark is again playing the PS3.
He's developed a serious addiction to his PS3 and to porn. I think it's an avoidance thing. He knows that I will say no to sex so he doesn't ask, and instead he buries himself in porn every night after I go to bed. It's bothering me now, although it's just another thing on that list. I stare at the tissues in the bin and feel disgusted. Now it's not just because I don't want sex, because I don't, but it's starting to turn into the fact that maybe he doesn't even want to have sex with me anymore. Maybe the porn is better than I am. It certainly seems that way to me now anyway. I could ask him to stop looking at the porn after I go to sleep, but he won't stop. He won't even come to bed at the same time I do now. I feel like we're having massive relationship problems that are so silent that I don't even know about them. It's like, he's trying to deal with the fact that I'm not dealing and the way he tries to deal is actually making me worse but he doesn't know that. He's dealing by not dealing. Instead of making me talk to him when he knows I'm upset he just pretends that it doesn't exist. He's trying to be supportive but not trying. It doesn't make sense, but neither does how he acts. I feel alone, and maybe I actually am. I see people around in couples that are so happy and in love and together, and we're just not that. We don't hold hands or anything like that anymore. We're just two people who coexist in each others lives. I hate it. I just want him to pay a little bit of attention to the way that things really are. Maybe that's why there's a few recurrent thoughts that I have lately. Maybe I'll think that they'll get his attention, but then again, maybe they won't.
I am so sick of this. I am so sick of everything. Things are falling apart, and it's my fault really. I feel too far gone but not gone enough at the same time. Round about now would be the time that I would switch to writing somewhere where I was more anonymous than I am here, but now that line has been erased and I don't have that place anymore. I had two diaries online, and they collided violently so now I just have one. Why am I so scared? I don't know. I read a diary once that said it exactly right. You start a diary online to remain anonymous, so you can post without the judgement of those that know you, but then as time goes on and you meet people and read people you become friendly and more friendly with these people, and suddenly the idea of being anonymous is gone because you know these people and they know you. And then you're at the point where you were in the beginning where you know the people too well and you want to go back to meeting new people and being judgement free. It's like the whole point that it's easier to open up to strangers. These people I read everyday are my friends in some way, and I don't want them to know my deepest darkest secrets because I only want to share them with the people I don't know. Or something.
I am again listening to music that used to inspire me. That should inspire me. That doesn't inspire me. And the fact that I know that this doesn't inspire me, or that nothing inspires me anymore, makes me even less likely to be inspired. It's a viscious circle, and one that's closing in as I write.
I need sleep. I could sleep for days and still be this tired. I could sleep and have the best sleep ever and still find it so hard to get out of bed. I need an emotional painkiller, which would be hard to get seeing as I don't know what the problem is. Could I numb myself with alcohol? I don't have the guts or the glory to drink enough. Could I numb myself with pain? Again, no guts. Could I numb myself with sleep? No, because now even my dreams make me feel lonely. Could I numb myself with writing? No, I get it out, but I still feel the same.
I need someone to talk to. Someone who understands but isn't going to push this because they will know that myself is the last thing I want to talk about. Someone like Drena, but I feel like I've lost that priveledge. She left me a note once, the other day, offering her help. But she said that I didn't want it yet. And it's true. I think I'm still in denial. I don't even want people to be worried. There's nothing major wrong with me. I've always been like this. Maybe I don't realise I'm depressed because I've never been happy. You don't know how bad something is until you've had something that's good. I don't even want to talk about this anymore. I feel like I'm digging myself a hole and I know that next time I log in I'll be anxious to read notes that will say something that's the opposite of what I expect them to say. That's if I get comments. I always get anxious. Maybe I feel like I've done something wrong.
I don't even know if this entry makes sense. It kind of got a bit out of hand about half an hour ago. Right after I wrote about Precious. I let go, and I didn't mean to but once my fingers start there's no way of stopping them. My mind loses all control and my fingers develop a mind of my own. It's like they say a drunk mind speaks sober thoughts, or something. It's like that, my fingers type the words my mouth will never really say aloud.
I think I'm going to go to bed now, or sit around for another half an hour playing solataire.