being strong means being heartless
Sometimes having no expectations doesn't mean that you still don't get hurt. I knew that nothing would happen, but I hoped that she would still even make an effort to see us, just as friends. I thought that we'd at least get a half an hour visit, especially because whenever we talked about her coming down she always said she wanted to see our flat.
I was going to leave it up to her to message me so that she could come here on her own terms. She drove down on Friday night after work. I texted her yesterday to ask her how the drive was, hoping to get a decent conversation out of her, but she just said that it was long and cold. I knew we couldn't do anything yesterday, but she never messaged back seeing if she could come round and see our flat. We were busy all day yesterday, and we had Louise's party last night, but we still could have had her around for half an hour. I knew I wasn't high up on her list of people to see in order of priority, but I still thought we were on that list. She did say once too that she only had three or four people that she badly wanted to see before me (well not including me I presume).
Mark grabbed my phone this morning and texted her saying that he wanted her to come around and suck his cock (charming isn't he? straight to the point at least) and she didn't write back. I messaged her saying that he wrote that not me, and still no reply. Mark messaged her from his phone asking why she didn't reply, and a few hours later she replies saying she was out of town with a boy (that I think was on the list of people she told me she was seeing) . They text each other a few times (at this point we're out at my aunty's for lunch with the family). She says that this boy she's with wants to see her with another girl, and Mark says that he wants to see her with me, she says "yea that's fun :)" and then asks him how our flat is going and how work is going for him. He asks her what her plans for the day are and she says she's driving back because she's got work at 8am tomorrow.
I don't understand the point of coming all the way down from Brisbane (it's an 8 hour drive) for one night. She left after 5pm on Friday, and then left this morning. She'll be back in two weeks. She has some family function. Ok, it's her dad's 60th. I've been saying family function to Mark ever since she told him, because I tend to remember lots and don't want Mark to freak out because I know the exact reason that she's coming down. He doesn't know that I felt for her the way that I did. He doesn't know the she still means a lot to me.
I spent the lunch trying not to look upset, because Mark has no idea that I am upset. I'm really tired anyway, as tonight was a busy night (not so much big in terms of alcohol and fun, just big in terms of organisation and stress levels conveyed from Mum) and I didn't really sleep well. It's good really because I have to get up at 4am tomorrow for work, so I'll be able to go to sleep early. I was quiet, but Mark was playing cards with my brother, uncle and cousins, so he didn't notice. I kind of wandered around in a daze, going from sitting outside with people I didn't talk to, to sitting inside with Mum and other people that I just listened into their conversations. And then Louise opened her presents, and then we cut the cake, and then I tried to get Mark so we could leave. We had to go to his parents house to see Michelle and give them my uncle's notebook computer because theirs blew up. I think he knows I'm upset, but I think he might just think I'm really tired. We were actually talking about Melissa today while we were at Mum's, and I said that I didn't want to ask her to come around or meet up and then get upset because she would say no, so I was just waiting for her to message me.
I messaged her saying "hey I heard you're leaving now have a safe drive" because I felt I had to say something. I wanted her to pick up on the fact that I was upset that she didn't take half an hour to come and see us, but I don't think she did. She said that she'd left already and was half way there, and then said "I'll see you when I come back :)" as if her not seeing me this time meant nothing. I said "yea we'll see", and she hasn't written back yet. I said "we'll see" because I didn't want to say ok. I'm sick of waiting to see her. I'm sick of not being at the top of the list, and I know that I never will be. I don't mean half as much to her as what she does to me. Less even. I've wanted this for so long that I don't even think it matters anymore. I should have realised a long time ago that I would probably not see her again after she left. She's too confusing for me. I get these mixed signals, and it's either that she wants nothing to do with me, or that she'd have me in a second if she was here. I don't know what I want from her, and I definately don't know what she wants from me. And I know if I ask her what she wants from me she'll say that we're just friends. So I guess that's all she wants from me.
So yes, I am feeling quite fucked up at the moment. Wanting something with everything you have for so long doesn't mean that one day you'll get it. I want to hope, but I get the feeling that when she's back in two weeks it will be exactly the same. She'll say she wants to see me, and then I'll just get pushed further and further down that mental list of people she's got to see. She'll be out though, so there's a good chance that I'll run into her at the pub, but I don't know if that's where I want to see her. I've resigned myself to the fact that I will probably never sleep with her again (which really upsets me no end because she is the only girl friend I've got to sleep with). I do actually want to see her, and be able to talk to her. I don't know, maybe I'm not meant to be her friend. Maybe this is it, and she's trying to tell me that she doesn't like me.
I guess I've got another two weeks to dwell on it, unless I try really hard to forget about her, but that won't happen. I don't know. I'm confused. I hate this.
It's kind of sad that I have learnt to deal with things like this
Being strong means being heartless
Tell me how do the scars feel after the wounds heal
Did it burn when they cauterized?
Did it show that you were hiding the hurt inside?
Do your eyes still shine as bright as they did the days when you were at your best?
If you run away from me I'm not running after you (cause I'm so tired)
If you turn away from this don't look back (cause I'll be gone)
If you go then I'll forget you
If you're gone than I won't miss you
I'm sorry
It's just the way I've learnt to deal with a broken heart.
I was going to leave it up to her to message me so that she could come here on her own terms. She drove down on Friday night after work. I texted her yesterday to ask her how the drive was, hoping to get a decent conversation out of her, but she just said that it was long and cold. I knew we couldn't do anything yesterday, but she never messaged back seeing if she could come round and see our flat. We were busy all day yesterday, and we had Louise's party last night, but we still could have had her around for half an hour. I knew I wasn't high up on her list of people to see in order of priority, but I still thought we were on that list. She did say once too that she only had three or four people that she badly wanted to see before me (well not including me I presume).
Mark grabbed my phone this morning and texted her saying that he wanted her to come around and suck his cock (charming isn't he? straight to the point at least) and she didn't write back. I messaged her saying that he wrote that not me, and still no reply. Mark messaged her from his phone asking why she didn't reply, and a few hours later she replies saying she was out of town with a boy (that I think was on the list of people she told me she was seeing) . They text each other a few times (at this point we're out at my aunty's for lunch with the family). She says that this boy she's with wants to see her with another girl, and Mark says that he wants to see her with me, she says "yea that's fun :)" and then asks him how our flat is going and how work is going for him. He asks her what her plans for the day are and she says she's driving back because she's got work at 8am tomorrow.
I don't understand the point of coming all the way down from Brisbane (it's an 8 hour drive) for one night. She left after 5pm on Friday, and then left this morning. She'll be back in two weeks. She has some family function. Ok, it's her dad's 60th. I've been saying family function to Mark ever since she told him, because I tend to remember lots and don't want Mark to freak out because I know the exact reason that she's coming down. He doesn't know that I felt for her the way that I did. He doesn't know the she still means a lot to me.
I spent the lunch trying not to look upset, because Mark has no idea that I am upset. I'm really tired anyway, as tonight was a busy night (not so much big in terms of alcohol and fun, just big in terms of organisation and stress levels conveyed from Mum) and I didn't really sleep well. It's good really because I have to get up at 4am tomorrow for work, so I'll be able to go to sleep early. I was quiet, but Mark was playing cards with my brother, uncle and cousins, so he didn't notice. I kind of wandered around in a daze, going from sitting outside with people I didn't talk to, to sitting inside with Mum and other people that I just listened into their conversations. And then Louise opened her presents, and then we cut the cake, and then I tried to get Mark so we could leave. We had to go to his parents house to see Michelle and give them my uncle's notebook computer because theirs blew up. I think he knows I'm upset, but I think he might just think I'm really tired. We were actually talking about Melissa today while we were at Mum's, and I said that I didn't want to ask her to come around or meet up and then get upset because she would say no, so I was just waiting for her to message me.
I messaged her saying "hey I heard you're leaving now have a safe drive" because I felt I had to say something. I wanted her to pick up on the fact that I was upset that she didn't take half an hour to come and see us, but I don't think she did. She said that she'd left already and was half way there, and then said "I'll see you when I come back :)" as if her not seeing me this time meant nothing. I said "yea we'll see", and she hasn't written back yet. I said "we'll see" because I didn't want to say ok. I'm sick of waiting to see her. I'm sick of not being at the top of the list, and I know that I never will be. I don't mean half as much to her as what she does to me. Less even. I've wanted this for so long that I don't even think it matters anymore. I should have realised a long time ago that I would probably not see her again after she left. She's too confusing for me. I get these mixed signals, and it's either that she wants nothing to do with me, or that she'd have me in a second if she was here. I don't know what I want from her, and I definately don't know what she wants from me. And I know if I ask her what she wants from me she'll say that we're just friends. So I guess that's all she wants from me.
So yes, I am feeling quite fucked up at the moment. Wanting something with everything you have for so long doesn't mean that one day you'll get it. I want to hope, but I get the feeling that when she's back in two weeks it will be exactly the same. She'll say she wants to see me, and then I'll just get pushed further and further down that mental list of people she's got to see. She'll be out though, so there's a good chance that I'll run into her at the pub, but I don't know if that's where I want to see her. I've resigned myself to the fact that I will probably never sleep with her again (which really upsets me no end because she is the only girl friend I've got to sleep with). I do actually want to see her, and be able to talk to her. I don't know, maybe I'm not meant to be her friend. Maybe this is it, and she's trying to tell me that she doesn't like me.
I guess I've got another two weeks to dwell on it, unless I try really hard to forget about her, but that won't happen. I don't know. I'm confused. I hate this.
It's kind of sad that I have learnt to deal with things like this
Being strong means being heartless
Tell me how do the scars feel after the wounds heal
Did it burn when they cauterized?
Did it show that you were hiding the hurt inside?
Do your eyes still shine as bright as they did the days when you were at your best?
If you run away from me I'm not running after you (cause I'm so tired)
If you turn away from this don't look back (cause I'll be gone)
If you go then I'll forget you
If you're gone than I won't miss you
I'm sorry
It's just the way I've learnt to deal with a broken heart.