A life of separation [2/2] - KrisHan Version (Part 3)
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Few days later the result came out. As usual Luhan was ranked at the top, but that year no one even bothered to mention about it. They just walked past the board where the result was printed, some looked at it in sadness. The faculty members of Medical Department could have just crossed his name out of the list, but in the end still decided to keep it as an act of remembrance.
The funeral was held in a small funeral parlor. A lot of people came to visit, mostly students in Medical Department and the Academic staffs. Luhan’s father was going abroad for a business trip at the time, and his stepmother surely didn’t want any trouble from her husband’s son, so the ceremony was mostly prepared by Joonmyeon and Minseok. His father only came on the final day to complete some documents of formality.
Wufan watched as the line of people continued lengthening, and so did the cries and whispers. At another side of the room, Luhan’s father was talking to some professors having taught his son since the first year. He looked older and more tired than the last time Wufan saw him, which was almost six years ago.
Six years could age someone that bad?
All of the little deer’s friends were standing at the area where the deceased was displayed in his casket, except Sehun. Wufan shifted eyes constantly till his gaze landed at a certain lanky boy sitting alone in the dark shade of foliage outside. Why was everyone looked so old that day, Wufan couldn’t help his thought as Sehun in black suit looked even older than usual. His droopy eyes seemed distant and the boy kept his head down. Without thinking twice Wufan left his spot and approached the other.
If Luhan were there, he would never leave Sehun alone.
“Hey.”
Wufan breathed. Sehun looked up for some seconds before shifting his eyes to anywhere but the blonde’s face. Still, his red eyes were quite noticeable.
“Why don’t you come in?”
The younger just pressed his lips into a thin line.
“Luhan will not want to see my face like this.”
Finally he muttered in a faint voice. A wave of sympathy washed through Wufan and the blonde took a seat next to Sehun, not too far but not too close either. The younger boy glanced at him briefly, gaze blanked and didn’t protest or move away. Both said nothing but still could sense the mutual feeling crawling at their side. The blonde looked back at the funeral parlor; Joonmyeon was greeting some visitors at the entrance. Their eyes met for some seconds and the shorter noticed the appearance of Sehun next to Wufan. He nodded his head lightly in approval and all of a sudden Wufan was glad that Joonmyeon was that understanding and mature. No wonder why he was the head boy of third year.
“You know what, my mom died when I was thirteen. I was away for vacation when people called and said she died in an accident. In her funeral I also stood outside, and people said I didn’t love her at all.”
Sehun muttered after a while, voice harsh and he laughed humorlessly. Wufan only listened.
“They had no idea how terrible it is to attend the funeral of someone who’s so important to me that I’ve never wanted to let go.”
I understand. Wufan wanted to answer, but he just opted to open his mouth before deciding that saying nothing was the best. My most important person… Image of a pale Luhan lying in casket flashed in Wufan’s mind. The boy took in a sharp breath as something bitter got caught in his throat and all of a sudden the pain in his chest tucked again, that time a bit harder than before. Unconsciously, he placed his hand on the left side of his chest. The boy almost jumped out of his skin as he felt something jerked slightly under his fingertips. Maybe it was only imagination, Wufan concluded as he pushed his hand a bit harder and felt nothing.
“I heard that you’re close to my son.”
Luhan’s father approached Wufan at the end of the day. The middle-aged man was holding the jar containing Luhan’s ash and suddenly Wufan just wished he could reach out and take a hold of the porcelain thing.
“Everyone in our group is close friends.”
Wufan said quietly, hand gestured to his friends standing nearby. Baekhyun was leaning against Chanyeol, he looked dampened more than ever and Minseok could only rubbed his back in an attempt of soothing. Tao also came, still crying his eyes out and Sehun just stood awkwardly by his side, surely had no idea of how to coax his neighbor while he himself either didn’t know how to deal with his sadness. A bit farther, Jongin was helping Joonmyeon to tidy up the place. They didn’t talk much anymore since the day Luhan died and all of a sudden the blonde was more than aware that if it wasn’t Luhan then maybe they would never know each other and become friends. Luhan was like a glue, sticking each piece together till they made a completed puzzle, where had Minseok, Joonmyeon, Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Jongin, Sehun, and Wufan.
“I’m not a good dad to him.”
The old man suddenly said, his eyes dropped to stare at the jar in his hands before shifting to Wufan’s face. The young boy could only stay silent, but he made sure that his eyes looked soft. He used to hate Luhan’s father a lot for always neglecting him, but at the moment he didn’t have a mind to carry such a feeling. His mind was numb already. What else to hate about when everything had come to a sad ending?
“I just thought sending him away would be a good idea, his stepmother would never leave him alone if Luhan was still in our house. Besides, he looked like his mother so much that it actually hurt whenever looking at the kid.”
It’s selfish. Wufan couldn’t help but think.
“You would have just kept him by his side, he’s your only son.”
But you didn’t do that.
“He left home when he’s barely sixteen. On that day he even begged me to give him some times so he could find something. That kid had never begged me, he also had never cried in front of me. But that day he did, and all I did was trying to push him away.”
Wufan’s breath hitched as he heard.
That day was the day Wufan was thrown out by Luhan’s stepbrother.
A claw tucked hard inside his chest and the boy bit his lip hard to prevent the strong emotion washing over him. If only he could cry, then maybe he would never felt that frustrated. But a doll could never cry. Wufan could never cry.
So Luhan did try to find him?
“Few weeks ago Luhan came back. He just stood in the living room of our house and stared at me as if I were a stranger.”
Suddenly Luhan’s father’s voice sounded so choked but he took in a deep breath to compose himself.
“It’s all my faults. He’s my son and I didn’t even notice he was sick. If I had taken care of him better then maybe Luhan would never get that cancer. It’s all because of me that my son had to die.”
And if I hadn’t left, maybe he couldn’t have had a chance to commit suicide. It’s my actual fault to let him go like that.
A wave of sympathy washed over Wufan’s side, and without thinking twice, he reached out to squeeze the man’s shoulders. The message sent to Luhan’s father through his action, and the middle-aged man looked at him with a pair of watery eyes, his hands holding the jar tightened around it.
“Wufan ah.”
Minseok called and the taller boy turned around to stare at him in question.
“I can give you a lift you know.”
“Thanks a lot Min, but I want to walk a bit.”
Wufan answered politely. From the corner of his eyes, he saw Sehun walked listlessly on the pavement. The blonde made a mental note to follow him. They were probably not get along well during those previous months, but Wufan was supposed to be gone anyway, soon, so what’s the point of holding grudge against each other. Besides, he just thought Luhan might want him to follow Sehun, to make sure the younger boy was safe.
If Luhan were there, he would probably do that.
“Fine, be careful Wufan. Call me or Joonmyeon when you’re back home, okay?”
“I’m not a kid Minseok.”
The taller boy laughed humorlessly and Minseok stared at him judgingly. The chubby boy heaved out a long sigh after all, while massaging his temple.
“Don’t be too mournful. Luhan hates it.”
“I know.”
Wufan tried, ignoring the sound of his own voice choking. Minseok looked at him with gentle eyes and patted his back lightly.
“Oh, and I almost forget. Yesterday I cleaned up Luhan’s room and found something. Your name was written on it so I supposed he wanted to send it to you. I will send you tomorrow ‘kay?”
“Okay.”
Sehun and Wufan took the same bus as they went home. But the blonde didn’t get off the vehicle at his stop, instead waiting for it till it reached Sehun’s. They sat on two different seats, Sehun at the front while Wufan at the back, and none said a word. But it was better, Wufan thought. He didn’t think he wanted to see the younger’s face now, because then he might not be able to control his emotions at all. His inside was a mess already, not to mention the pain in his left chest. It twisted again and the boy had no idea why.
After getting off the bus, the two boys continued walking a bit till Wufan noticed the block Sehun’s living appeared vaguely behind dense green foliage of trees in a park nearby. Something, like a déjà vu, ran through Wufan as the images of the night Luhan offered him to go out with them flashed in his mind. Still the same direction, same pavement, same background, but different time, and Luhan wasn’t there with them anymore.
“You can go home now.”
Sehun quiet voice called and Wufan tore his gaze from the surrounding to look back at the younger.
“I’m not going to commit suicide, if that’s what you’re wondering.”
With that, the droopy-eyed boy walked again, Wufan watched his lanky body from behind. For some mere seconds he understood why Luhan always wanted to take care of Sehun that much. The younger might look mature, but deep inside, he was still a kid. A kid with deep wounds maybe only Luhan knew about.
“Sehun!”
He called. Wufan fumbled clumsily with his words, there were many things he wanted to tell the shorter boy, but it was so hard to say that finally he settled for a casual “see you later.” Sehun looked at him with glassy eyes, before nodding his head in reply.
***
“Sehun ah, meet Luhan. He’s my tutor.”
Jongin chirped soundly and Sehun turned around, only to have his breath taken away as the sight of a beautiful short boy came into his view. The boy called Luhan looked very, very, very young and innocent, a bit stiffen, probably due to nervousness and all of a sudden Sehun doubted whether he was really Jongin’s tutor, or his cousin was just too crazy to even pick up a twelve year old kid. He felt like the other’s skin was glowing under faded sunlight of November and the small frame didn’t fit at all with that over-sized Yonsei blazer the brunette was wearing. Luhan tilted his head a bit, their eyes met and Sehun swore his heart just missed one beat due to the sudden act. Not only because of the way they twinkled, but also because they were expressive, yet so brooding at the same time, and somehow Sehun found them so endearing, so familiar that his heart actually hurt. Luhan’s eyes reminded him of someone, someone had stepped out of his life years ago and never came back.
“Hello, I’m Luhan.”
He said with his cute accent. Each syllable rolled off his tongue swiftly, but Sehun still felt like the boy wasn’t used to Korean at all. Luhan looked all calm and collected, sitting in the seat opposite to two other boys in café that late afternoon, somehow his eyes flickered with many deep emotions and Sehun found it so hard not be drowned into them. He ducked his head aside to hide a faint blush creeping on his cheeks:
“Nice to meet you Luhan-ssi. I’m Oh Sehun, Jongin’s cousin.”
“It’s ‘Luhan hyung’ for you, Thehun.”
Jongin snorted, hitting the back of Sehun’s head lightly and the younger boy whined in annoyance:
“Why? He’s only 18, isn’t he?”
“For God’s sake, Luhan hyung’s 4 years older than us.”
Luhan covered a faint smile behind his palm as the seventeen year old stared at him, mouth agape in disbelief. He looked so gorgeous, so beautiful that a whole new kind of feelings burst inside Sehun’s chest strongly.
The younger boy thought, believed that he might have fallen in love at first sight already.
Sehun jerked awake as the images of their first meet flashed in his mind like a kind of mellow movies. The boy looked around. He was in his living room, probably had dozed off after coming back from the ceremony. Sehun was still wearing the same suit at Luhan’s funeral. An annoying feeling crawled over his side and Sehun made a beeline to the bathroom. He function the shower, letting cold water fall on his head, rolling down his cheeks and wetting his clothes. That wasn’t enough, Sehun still smell the scent of Luhan’s funeral around him. Disgusting, he thought, quickly got rid of the clothes he was wearing. He needed to get rid of the thought about Luhan’s funeral as quickly as possible. Sehun threw his suit to a basket nearby and made a mental note to burn them later, before sliding down to sit inside the shower cubicle, back leaning against the wall. He was all naked and wet and might catch a cold at any time, but the boy couldn’t think anymore. Sehun felt his eyes stung, they were leaking but he couldn’t care less. He could pretend that it was only water from the shower head, nothing more nothing less. Just thought of it that way. Luhan once told him not to cry anyway.
Sehun wasn’t crying at all. It was just water got caught in his eyes.
There was one thing Sehun didn’t tell Wufan at all. He had lied about Luhan’s death. But it was better. Sehun thought he deserved it, though it might be the most painful wound and never could be healed, he was still ready to bear it for the rest of his life.
Luhan could love Wufan, but at least Sehun was the one staying with Luhan till his last breath, whether the brunette wanted it or not.
“Sehun… why are… you… here?”
Luhan asked, voice trembling and unsteady. The smell of metallic, of blood hit Sehun’s sense, hard and the younger boy felt like throwing up, but Luhan was there and the older needed him.
“What are doing this time hyung?”
He retorted, inattentively raising his voice a bit higher than usual. He needed to sound angry. Sehun had his own right to be angry about what was happening in front of him. Luhan would pay for that when he was recovered. Sehun would lock him in his flat, or pull him to go anywhere, everywhere with him, and never let him go again. What was the point of feigning all naïve and childish, when Sehun would never protect the person he loved most?
The sight of Luhan’s bleeding wrist came into Sehun’s view and the younger boy reached out for it. But Luhan, though being very weak, somehow had found a way to hide them deeper inside the bathtub full of blood.
“Give it to me hyung, damn it!”
The boy yelled in frustration. For the first time he was acting like that to Luhan, and he could tell the older was scared. He gave in and Sehun pulled his wrist back, firmly but as gently as he could. The younger took out a napkin and tried to bandage the wound. But the cut was too deep and blood couldn’t stop flowing at all. Sehun tried to stop it, but the red liquid still soaked the cloth and even dampened his two hands.
“Why hasn’t it stopped already?”
Sehun asked. Tears brimmed in his eyes and before he knew it, the crystal liquid couldn’t stop rolling down his cheeks and the boy couldn’t help but cry helplessly.
Why?
Why him?
What had Sehun done to be treated like that? First was mom and second it was Luhan. How could he continue his life anymore?
“Sehun…a… don’t…cry…”
The younger boy looked up to find Luhan’s pale face. The face he had always loved, from the past to the present, and maybe even in future.
“I… have never… wanted you… to see… me like… this…”
“Shut up Luhan. I’ll call emergency now and I will deal with you later when you’re fine.”
Sehun growled, trying to be strong for the last time. But the pleading look on Luhan’s face wordlessly told him that there was no way to escape anymore. The younger boy was about to see the love of his life sail to another world and could do nothing but watch in helplessness. They were to be separated and never met anymore, at least in that sad brooding life. Tears rolled down Sehun’s cheeks, that time harder and he clung to Luhan’s hand for his deer life while screaming:
“Luhan, don’t leave! Why are you doing this to me? Why??? You have to live Luhan. I will let you go. You can love anyone, I will let you go, I promise. I’m sorry for being so stupid. I will not keep you anymore. Please, Luhan. Stay.”
“You… will… understand Sehun. And don’t… be… sorry… I should… be… the one… saying… that.”
Luhan inhaled weakly and he smiled a little, knowing that it would be his last breath. The brunette looked back at Sehun’s tear-stained face, inattentively his dying heart pulsed in pain, both physically and mentally. Sehun was still too young, the said boy was supposed to have a better life, a happy fairy tale. Not that cruel reality, not someone like Luhan. Luhan was just a liar after all… He had vowed to help Sehun, to stay by his side and take care of him. But in the end he couldn’t. The brunette wanted to reach out and wipe Sehun’s tears away, but he was too weak to do so.
Was that also how it looked when Luhan saw his mom gradually left him that night?
“Sorry… Sehun. Sorry… Please… forgive me…”
The boy could feel his mother around, she was waiting for him.
Was she mad if she knew Luhan left Sehun like that?
But finally they could reunite again, right? That time Luhan promised he wouldn’t scream at his mother anymore, like the last time they met.
He would hold her and say that he loved her, so much.
A faint smile was drawn upon Luhan’s lips.
His runaway life’s final curtain was coming down. Finally
Sorry, Wufan.
He closed his eyes one last time, a single tear dropped silently.
***
Wufan looked around his spacious living room. After coming home from the funeral, the blonde had spent all that night and one more day for cleaning and packaging. There was only one day left, he would have to go back to China anyway. Yixing might help him after their deal done, okay, but Wufan couldn’t sleep at all. The thought about his friend was still haunting him, to the point he could draw a mental image in the cottage the night Luhan died.
He wasn’t scared, he wasn’t at all. The point was, he was rather upset, disappointed, and even angry, more at himself than at Luhan. What was his role in that life after all? Each thing existed for its purpose, and a doll was supposed to be friend with its owner, to coax and push away every nightmare. Luhan’s mother was probably thinking that when she made Wufan. Even many years later, he still felt the love and care she gave only for Luhan radiated inside his body whenever thinking back about their memories. She probably had hoped that Luhan could have a good friend who always listened to him and help him to take the rough with the smooth. She probably hoped that Wufan could stay with Luhan for the rest of his life.
But what had Wufan done in the end?
That was so horrible.
Now he wans’t a doll anymore, but he was either a human, because human had heart, while Wufan didn’t. He thought things would be solved easily, like in fairy tale. He became human, he met Luhan, Luhan realized him and in the end they lived happily ever after. That was how fairy tales worked, right? But why didn’t it happen in his life? Wufan couldn’t help Luhan at all, he was so useless, so stupid. He should have noticed things sooner, because if he had, everything might not go that way. It was his fault that Luhan committed suicide, it was his fault that the other could hide his cancer away successfully. Not to mention the twisted, complicated feeling he had always borne for Luhan, but didn’t have a chance to tell the other. Or rather, he had always been a coward, thinking that “maybe next time” was better. How could he be that stupid? Chances only came across one’s life and when it’s gone, it’s really gone. Wufan should remember that, but he didn’t. If he braved himself enough to tell Luhan that he loved him, wouldn’t the other commit suicide? He had never thought his deer could do such a horrible thing like that.
Wufan would rather Luhan didn’t realize him at all, but they lived there together and finally the blonde would vanish into the thin air, like he had never existed. That was okay, that was better, because at least when Wufan died, he knew Luhan was still living.
Wufan would rather die than let the brunette go like that.
People only regretted when things had been done already and there was no chance to turn back.
Suddenly a sharp pain banged in the blonde’s chest and he felt like it had just ripped his whole body apart. The contract had done that soon? He thought while looking back at an old clock hanged on the wall nearby. If Wufan didn’t estimate wrongly, then he should have 20 hours to fly back to China. So why did his body react that way? Wufan noticed it didn’t happen only once. Since the day Luhan died he had already received the pain like that in his chest, only now that it occurred more often, and each time heavier than the last time. Was it a way to remind him that he was about to vanish soon? The blonde couldn’t help but think, and then smiled bitterly.
It was better. Luhan was no longer alive so what was the point of Wufan being alive? He lived for Luhan, and if Luhan wasn’t there anymore, his life also came to its sad ending. That was it.
Thinking about it back and forth, Wufan wasn’t afraid at all. Rather, he was hoping that the moment could come soon.
He wondered whether he could see Luhan again.
Someone knocked on Wufan’s door and the blonde bit back his painful groan as he made his way toward the door. He opened it slightly, only to be greeted with the sight of Minseok standing nervously in the hallway.
“Hi.”
He muttered, stepping outside and closing the door behind his back. Minseok tried to see over his shoulder, but Wufan’s too high so in the end he gave up. But still, evidence of doubt was still lingering in the shorter boy.
“What take you so long Wufan? And I think I’ve just seen a carton box.”
“Nothing, I’m a bit tired after cleaning the house anyway.”
“Oh… okay…” Minseok nodded his head in acknowledgement. “So, I came here for this.”
He handed Wufan a cardboard box, which appeared to be very light. Wufan shook it lightly but heard no sound. His name was written neatly on the box, and it didn’t take the taller long to notice that it was indeed Luhan’s handwriting.
“He didn’t give anything else? Like, maybe a note?”
Wufan asked hopefully. Minseok only shook his head in reply.
“No, he left nothing else. Actually there was a sheet he wrote for our group, telling how we should do in the future. Like I should taking care of my health, Joonmyeon should stop seeking perfection, Chanyeol and Baekhyun should stop all their pranks, and Jongin should choose dancing if he still loves it... He wrote very long, I can’t tell all. But Joonmyeon started tearing up after seeing the sheet.”
The older boy paused briefly as he looked down at his sneakers:
“Everyone will miss him a lot. That kid… It’s our fault that he left.”
Both boys standing in the hallway didn’t know how to talk, much less looking into each other’s eyes. Wufan sneaked a glance at Minseok, his mind came back to images at the funeral yesterday. The way Joonmyeon rearranged the ceremony, the way Chanyeol greeted every visitor, and even the way Baekhyun hid in one corner crying his eyes out…
Everyone loved Luhan, why he still chose to keep silent and in the end die alone?
It was too late.
Wufan looked back at the boy in front of him.
He would surely miss them a lot.
“Wufan ah, I know it’s hard, but stay strong, ‘kay? He probably hopes that.”
“You should say that to Sehun, Minseok.”
The shorter boy was a bit taken aback at the mention of Sehun’s name.
“I just checked him out before going here. He looks… horrible.”
“He surely is.”
“You should…take care of him too Wufan.”
“I don’t think he wants to see my face again.”
“You know what? Loving the same person doesn’t mean that Sehun really hates you.”
Minseok looked death serious as he said so. The boy bowed at Wufan lightly, muttered a faint “see you later” before going. He watched at his friend’s retreating figure till it really disappeared at the corner of the hall way.
“Goodbye, Minseok.”
His voice sank deep into silence and Wufan just stood there for a while.
He would surely miss them a lot. Even Oh Sehun.
Coming back to the living room, Wufan sat down on his covered couch. The pain in his chest before had gone for a while, now the blonde could be all calm to consider everything. After contemplating back and forth, the boy decided to open the cardboard box immediately. He didn’t have much time left, and who knew what might happen next anyway? Luhan’s story had taught Wufan too many things. Using paperknife to peel off sellotape, Wufan opened the box carefully.
“What…?”
His mouth agape as Wufan stared disbelievingly at what were presented in front of him.
How could this happen?
Inside the box was all of Kris’s clothes, both made by Luhan’s mother and Luhan himself. Each piece was kept very carefully, the boy could tell from the way they were still in their original color and all stitches were still the same. They weren’t covered in dust or looked faded, Wufan assumed that Luhan had taken care of them usually. Something just hit him hard in his chest. Wufan turned the box up-side down, and as the clothes were falling down on coffee table, the blonde found it at the bottom.
It was a Luhan’s picture.
A picture of Luhan holding Kris.
What is this?
Was fate playing with him again?
Why did Luhan send him that?
Did he…know?
Wufan’s head was now a mess. He didn’t know how to think, how to understand anymore. If Luhan knew he was Kris, why didn’t he say something? Wasn’t it freaked him out already? The afternoon they played football together popped up in his mind and Wufan groaned into his hands. The brunette must have known about it from that day, considering all of his weird behaviors. But then, the question in Wufan now was, why didn’t Luhan ask him? Everyone in Luhan’s case must have been curious and freaked out to death, knowing that one of his old toys had become human and even was living under the same proof with him. Wasn’t it supposed that way? So what made Luhan looked all calm and nice like that? He even stayed with Kris and pulled him to go everywhere…
Wufan’s shocked as realization dawned on him.
Don’t tell him that it was a way to say sorry for having lost Kris?
Something caught in Wufan’s throat and the boy could sense the pain in his chest come back again. That time, he couldn’t care less. All his inside was burning already in pure hurt as he remembered back about the days they spent together before Luhan died. Wufan didn’t realize that before just because all the acts weren’t different much from the way Luhan usually treated him, only with more tenderness. Wufan felt like crying, but nothing came out from his sharp eyes. That was so horrible, he thought while trying to breathe difficultly. If only he could cry to release all the tension. The blonde felt like the oxygen in his lung were sucked dry, the feeling slowly suffocated him, reminding him of the day Sehun came there telling about Luhan’s death.
Wufan heard a knock at his front door. The boy wondered who was there at that time, it was almost 10PM already. He opened the door, trying to ease the uncomfortable sensation in his chest and looked outside.
And Zhang Yixing was standing right in front of him.
The taller boy felt the sharpest pain in his left chest and couldn’t balance himself on his own feet anymore. Luckily, Yixing was quick enough to catch him. The pain was so unbearable that time, Wufan couldn’t think straight anymore.
“The whole processing’s very painful, huh?”
Wufan heard Yixing mutter under his breath. He was going to die, right? It was okay, Wufan was supposed to be dead, sooner or later. At least he could see Luhan. It didn’t matter how long it would take and how hard it would be, they just needed to be in the same world and he would try to find him one more time. If Luhan disappeared, Wufan would still chase after him till they met. Wufan wasn’t afraid at all, he just knew he would never let his little deer go again, ever.
The pain overwhelmed Wufan’s body and in a blink of an eye, he passed out.
***
Where was he?
That was the first question coming to Wufan’s mind. It was so warm there, the blonde even could feel something, like sunbeam, playing across his skin. And he once thought the death must be very cold. A faint, familiar scent hit his sense and he realized that it belonged to only Luhan.
Luhan?
They had met that soon?
Wufan fluttered his eyes open and stared into the space for a while, before fully comprehended the all surrounding. The boy quickly sat up, only to realize that he was in Luhan’s room, on his bed, to be more detailed. He was still wearing the clothes yesterday. Wufan checked his nose, he was still breathing.
He was still alive.
A strange feeling crept over Wufan’s body and inattentively, he raised his hand to touch his left chest lightly. The blonde almost jumped out of his skin when he felt a pulse, although it was still a bit weak. He put his whole hand fully against his chest, only to feel a steady beat of an organ deep inside.
Wufan couldn’t believe it.
He had a heart?
Image of Yixing last night flashed in his mind and the boy rushed out of the room, calling the other’s name over and over. But in reply, there was only silence. Wufan stood dumbfounded in his living room. Only then did he actually notice that everything had gone back to its usual place. The whole flat looked like Wufan had never cleaned it up, it looked so normal and all of a sudden the boy felt like all those previous days were just a dream, a nightmare finally having come to an end.
So it meant Luhan was also alive?
Wufan hastily dialed Luhan’s number as he looked around his living room.
Please, pick up.
Please.
He chanted. And the other line really picked up.
“Luhan?”
He asked in anticipation. There was a long pause before a quiet voice spoke from the other line:
“I’m Sehun.”
Wufan felt his inside break, that time was ten times realer and ten times hurter, only because he had a heart now.
“Oh… I… I…”
“I still keep his phone and haven’t turned it off yet. Just in case someone still hasn’t known about his death.”
“Yeah, right.” Wufan breathed out in difficulty. His heart hurt all of a sudden at the words and the boy thought he needed to end that call soon. It did no good to his body, only deepened the fact that Luhan wasn’t there anymore. He bade Sehun, and without waiting for the younger to reply, he had closed his phone abruptly. Wufan looked down at his body again, hand touched his chest where the heart was beating lively.
What was the point of having a heart?
What was the point of being a real human, when Luhan was dead already?
Wufan walked back into Luhan’s room. Everything was supposed to stay the same. But only now did he realize that there was a cardboard box and a piece of paper folded neatly on the nightstand. Weird, last time Wufan checked there was nothing on Luhan’s nightstand. It might be brought there by Yixing, his mind flickered. The thought encouraged Wufan and he reached out for the paper. Maybe the magician wanted to give him an explanation about the heart and why he hadn’t died yet, he thought while open it slowly.
“Take the name Wufan and forget the name Kris.
I’m sorry for not saying this sooner, but I know, Wufan. I know it’s you, I just tried to deny the fact. Sorry for having hurt you for too long, and thank you for always being brave to come and find me again. If only I could live longer… This is the only thing I can do for you. From now on live your own life, don’t live for someone, especially someone like me.
Life’s full of separation, but there’s a thing called ‘reunion’, right?
Please take care of Sehun for me. He will never forgive me if he knows the truth I always try to hide from him. But please, take care of him. He’s very important to me, just like you and mom.
I love you.”
A tingling sensation built up in Wufan’s heart and he touched his chest lightly. His eyes brimmed with tears as the boy opened the cardboard box beside. His whole body stiffened lightly, before collapsing as he picked two dolls up from the box. One was Kris and the other resembled the lovely face he could never forget, for the rest of his life.
Tears were salty and bitter, but Wufan’s glad at least he could be able to taste them. The boy thought as he hugged the doll tighter to his chest, where his heart was beating lively.
***
“I just want to check up something. I found your address on his parcel, I thought maybe you could explain this to me.”
Luhan paused briefly.
“So, he’s Kris, right?”
“Yeah…”
The magician answered after a long silence. The other gave out a dry laugh as he heard so.
“This is horrible.” He muttered.
“Excuse me, but what?”
“He shouldn’t find me. He should have stayed as a doll and forgotten me already.”
“Pardon me, but Wufan came there for you and all you could say is that? You don’t consider at all his feeling?”
The taller boy raised his voice in anger as he bit back at Luhan. He only knew Wufan for five months, and maybe it wasn’t a long time, but they had been friends already. It hurt Yixing to think that the one his friend always chased after actually didn’t want to see him anymore. Wufan was determined and honest, wasn’t his sincere felling enough for Luhan? Or the other was just too freaked out at the thought that his precious toy had become human to actually spare his feeling. Because if that was so, Luhan might be a very, very, very horrible human and all of a sudden the dimple boy felt so regretful. He was the one messing up Wufan’s life. Being bored didn’t mean using others’ lives to entertain yourself.
“You don’t understand. You don’t. He shouldn’t have found me, this is so horrible. I will only hurt him more.”
“You should tell him that you knew about his true identity when you come back. That will make up for him. He can keep his human shell and stay with you forever, that’s his wish.”
Luhan’s stiffened at the last words, but soon he slumped down further in his seat.
“I can’t.”
“Why not? He’s not a freak, why can’t you tell him?”
The older shook his head as he inhaled a sharp breath:
“I can’t live long. I have cancer.”
“What?”
Yixing widened his eyes in shock as he stared blankly at the boy sitting opposite him. Luhan looked all calm and indifferent, but his eyes were screaming purely tiredness. The shorter boy’s fingers were playing with handle of the teacup in front of him, before taking a small sip from it.
“Are you kidding me?”
“Why should I?”
“This is unbelievable.”
The younger boy muttered under his breath. Luhan could only shrug his shoulders in reply, a sad smile drawn across his pretty lips.
“Before I met Wufan, I just thought I would live till I couldn’t stand anymore, and then one day I would hide at somewhere nobody knows and eventually die. But then he came, and I-I don’t know. I really want to live. I even thought about running away with him after graduation. But my disease can’t be cured anymore, it’s too late.”
“What about Wufan?”
“What’s the deal he made with you?”
Luhan asked instead. Yixing rubbed his nose thoughtfully, finally answered:
“He has to make you realize him and tell him directly that you know who he actually is, so he can keep his human form.”
“But he doesn’t have a heart.”
“How do you know?”
“One time he slept and I accidentally touched his chest, but there’s nothing beating.”
“He’s a doll so he doesn’t have a heart, you understand right?”
“It means… he never dies if I tell him?”
“Yeah… He’ll be… kinda immortal and unaging.”
“And what if he fails to make me realize?”
“He will disappear forever.”
A pregnant silence enveloped the atmosphere as two boys sat but avoided looking into each other’s eyes. This is so stupid, Yixing cursed under his breath. He was so stupid. The whole thing was his fault and now he had to pay for it. For the first time of his life, the dimple boy wished he hadn’t met Wufan. He couldn’t have met Luhan then, sure, but at least he could live a life of a doll peacefully.
Gosh, Yixing felt like he was a criminal.
“I can’t come back Korea and tell Wufan that I know. Being immortal is really horrible. I can’t let him stay that life. But I can’t keep silence either. He doesn’t deserve death because of me.”
Luhan choked out his words in difficulty. Yixing felt so sorry for both of them, and he actually reached out to pat on Luhan’s hand in a soothing manner.
“Is there any other way to break the spell?”
Yixing’s mouth opened slightly, but soon he closed it abruptly and the boy rubbed his nape in thoughtfulness. It wasn’t like he was thinking, he had already known a way to break the spell for Wufan since the beginning, but he wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. Because hell, who would sacrifice that much?
But what if Luhan could?
He turned back to look at the older boy. Luhan was biting down his lip harshly, to the point the younger boy was afraid that it might bleed soon. But eventually it didn’t. Luhan’s eyes flickered with so emotions, they looked so expressive and for one mere second the magician suddenly realized why Wufan would never leave him. Luhan looked so beautiful and calm, yet tiny and vulnerable, it seemed like he didn’t belong at all to the world they were living.
“What if he became a real human? I mean, what if he had a heart?”
The scariest feeling filled up Yixing’s mind and the boy fidgeted uncomfortably on his seat.
How could Luhan guess such a thing?
“Yeah, it might work if he did.”
Eventually he gave in. Opposite him, the brunette was staring at Yixing with his doe eyes. They twinkled beautifully with determination, reminded Yixing of the night Wufan became human. He was also there, in Yixing’s house, looking all determined and desperate. The look on Luhan’s face was so like that, and it was one more thing explaining to Yixing why they should be together. It burnt the magician and he knew for sure that Wufan would never forgive him after knowing about what Luhan was to tell him.
“Yixing, I need your help.”
Luhan spoke slowly, yet desperate.
At least he wouldn’t die meaninglessly anymore.
***
“…The little mermaid's hand trembled as it squeezed the handle of the knife, then she threw the weapon out into the sea. The waves turned red where it fell, as if drops of blood were seeping up through the water. Again she looked at the prince; her eyes were already glazed in death. She threw herself into the sea and felt her body changing into foam…”
The young woman immediately stopped as her six-year-old son started crying while hugging his doll closer to his little body. She couldn’t help but sigh, still, in the end smiling softly while pulling the boy to sit on her laps. His sobs died down a bit as she hummed to a Chinese folk song, the melody slowly lured him into peacefulness.
“Honey, why are you still crying even when you’ve known the ending?”
“Why did the little mermaid have to die mom? I watched “The little mermaid” on the TV yesterday and the mermaid in it could live happily ever after with the prince. So why this little mermaid had to die mom?”
“Many stories have variant dear. It’s like a thing which is only different a tiny little bit from the original one. “The little mermaid” also has its variants. Some people just can’t bear seeing her have a sad ending, like you and me.”
“Mom, but isn’t it better? Marrying a prince and having everything? Dying is really cruel to her!”
“It’s not really like that honey, sometimes dying isn’t that bad. It’s when you die for someone, or something you really love with all your heart, and you know for sure that you will be happy because that person or thing can also be happy. In that case, your body can die, but your spirit and your love for them will be immortal.” She paused briefly to shake her head: “You’re still too young dear, but time will tell you what I actually mean.”
“So does that mean the death isn’t horrible anymore if I die for you, right mom?”
The little boy innocently looked at his mother and the woman couldn’t help but give a light laugh for what her boy had just said. She pinched his cheeks and stared into his innocent doe-like eyes:
“Honey, mommy really don’t think that that person should be me. Anyway, someday you will meet someone who costs your own life, and I just hope that you can have a happy ending like that little mermaid of Disney you have seen.”
“But I really love you mom. We can live together happily ever after. And with Kris too! You will be with me forever, right, Kris?” The little boy exclaimed loudly, showing his mother the precious doll he always holding in his arms. The young woman could only chuckle at her son’s cute act.
“Okay, okay, we will. I love you too, my little deer.” She said, bending to kiss his forehead lovingly. “Now do you want to hear the end of the story or do you want to go to sleep?”
“I want to hear it mom. Tell me, please!”
He bounced on her laps excitedly, pulling the little doll closer so both of them could hear the rest of the story. His mother combed his hair with her slender fingers before getting the book lying on the pillow nearby. She started reading with her warm voice:
“…"We are the daughters of the air," they answered. "Mermaids have no immortal soul and can never have one, unless they can obtain the love of a human being. Their chance of obtaining eternal life depends upon others. We, daughters of the air, have not received an eternal soul either; but we can win one by good deeds. We fly to the warm countries, where the heavy air of the plague rests, and blow cool winds to spread it. We carry the smell of flowers that refresh and heal the sick. If for three hundred years we earnestly try to do what is good, we obtain an immortal soul and can take part in the eternal happiness of man. You, little mermaid, have tried with all your heart to do the same. You have suffered and borne your suffering bravely; and that is why you are now among us, the spirits of the air. Do your good deeds and in three hundred years an immortal soul will be yours."
The little mermaid lifted her arms up toward God's sun, and for the first time she felt a tear. She heard noise coming from the ship. She saw the prince and the princess searching for her. Sadly they looked at the sea, as if they knew that she had thrown herself into the waves. Without being seen, she kissed the bride's forehead and smiled at the prince; then she rose together with the other children of the air, up into a pink cloud that was sailing by…”
END.
A/n: Anyone can guess the actual relationship between HunHan? I bet you all have your answer already LOL Anyway, thanks a lot for having read through this mess dear *throwing hearts