A life of separation [2/2] - KrisHan Version (Part 2)
<<
Luhan disappeared right before their final term exam was coming in one week. It gave a shock to Joonmyeon (who never predicted the older could do such a thing.) and worried Minseok a lot. He kept calling, receiving nothing but “user busy”. Only Wufan noticed that Luhan had avoided him, in a whole new manner, before leaving.
He stayed at his prior dorm for days, and also went to Sehun’s place a lot (Tao said that with a jealous face). Of course, the boy still came to study with Wufan, but they moved back to the library where ChanBaek were flirting, plus Joonmyeon always making a fuss whenever having no idea what he was learning. But the taller noticed his friend was distracted more than usual. Sometimes the little deer would just stare into the space, but mostly important, sometimes he stared intensely at Wufan, to the point the blonde felt like having a hole on his face already. It disturbed him a lot, the boy couldn’t help feeling really worried, but at the same time having no gut to ask his friend directly what the actual problem was. He sighed, moving the parcel Yixing sent him from China in his room. It probably was all clothes.
On the day before he disappeared, Wufan came home finding Luhan’s shoes scattered carelessly on the floor. There was no sign of the other in the living room and kitchen, but Wufan’s bedroom door was ajar while he remembered closing it before going. The blonde made a beeline to his room, only to be greeted with the sight of Luhan sleeping soundly on his bed. Weird, he couldn’t help but think. He had his own bedroom already, didn’t he?
Anyway, Luhan had never acted like an ordinary person so his flat mate assumed that it was just another thing so-Luhan.
Before closing the door, Wufan noticed the parcel Yixing sent lay at the corner of his room. The blonde took the package along with him to the living room, checking it out.
(It was all indeed clothes)
During the time Luhan’s gone, Wufan spent for studying and no more. He didn’t feel like meeting the others much, his mood might just dampen them for sure. The blonde also tried to call his friend as well, only to receive the same result like Minseok did every time. Having no way to contact Luhan made Wufan feel so useless. He could do nothing but wait, wait and wait.
Sometimes Sehun also joined them during dinner as Jongin called him, the younger boy was preparing for his mock exam in that June. Anyway, Wufan couldn’t help feeling like that droopy-eyed boy was staring daggers at him anytime they met, and he had no idea why.
Luhan came home before the exam started in two days, and Wufan was too relieved to actually give a lecture to him. It was another day after school, Wufan came home finding Luhan’s shoes scattered on the floor, the same shoes he wore when he left. His guts twitched in anticipation and the blonde dropped his bag behind, immediately dashing to the living room.
His friend was there, lying peacefully on the couch.
Hearing sudden sounds, Luhan’s eyelid fluttered and he opened his doe eyes lazily to stare at Wufan.
“You’re back?”
Luhan had never said “hello” or “hi” to him. He only used “you’re back?” whenever the blonde came home later than him, and Wufan assumed that it was his own way of greeting. It was kind of funny, because, hello, it was always Luhan disappearing, not Wufan. Sometimes the taller almost laughed at the irony, but that time he couldn’t care less.
He just missed the greeting, as well as the one always saying it, a lot.
It felt like Luhan had never disappeared in the first place.
“Yeah, I’m home. Are you hungry?”
The deer only nodded his head lightly in reply. He seemed to be calmer than before he left.
“I miss you.”
He breathed while Wufan was making his way into the kitchen. His stomach flipped, for the first time in a comfortable way but the boy quickly tried to wipe the feeling off. It was probably just another random thing Luhan blurted out. He was always like that after coming back home from his disappearance.
“I miss you too Xiao Lu.”
He replied playfully. But it wasn’t like Wufan didn’t mean that.
The blonde didn’t actually turn around to see Luhan’s expression.
“I came back to China.”
Luhan said calmly, placing his chopsticks next to the ramen bowl which was still full. Wufan frowned at the sight and flickered his eyes toward the other, silently telling him to eat more. The blonde anticipated a protest from Luhan, but to his surprise, the deer only sighed in reply before picking his chopsticks up again.
“So, why did you come back to China?”
The blonde asked after a while.
“Couldn’t I visit my dad?”
The little deer retorted, lips curved into a bitter smile.
“How was it? The visit?”
“Fine, I guessed. My stepbrother had gone for college so we didn’t meet. We don’t get along well much. (Wufan tried not to snort there) My stepmother was at home too, but she stayed in her room as I came. Only my dad greeted me.”
“…”
“I haven’t come back for almost six years. Sure, I don’t like my stepmother at all, but still, there’s my dad and I myself also once lived in that house.”
The brunette took a sharp breath before continuing:
“Days before when I came, it felt so… strange. It wasn’t somewhere I once lived anymore. The feeling was so annoying that I even had to stay in a hotel. I think from now on I should call it as my dad’s house. It’s the home for my dad’s family, and I’m not a part of it. I’m a part of nothing.”
The bitter smile was still hanging on Luhan’s lips as he spoke, slowly but certainly. He looked down at the ramen bowl, bangs covered his eyes and Wufan was supposed to see nothing. But too bad, because he knew for sure that what Luhan’s eyes would look like then, and it hurt him more to acknowledge such a thing.
“You’re a part of us Luhan, a part of our group. Everyone misses you a lot.”
Wufan said with gentle voice, hand squeezed Luhan’s lightly. The brunette shifted his eyes from their two joined hands to his friend’s face, and Wufan’s breath hitched as the emotion in the deer’s eyes wasn’t only hurt or sadness. It was something more, something hard to grab a hold of, something hard to explain. Luhan looked so complicated more than ever and for some seconds the blonde was too lost to actually say anything.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For having been unfair, and everything.”
“Don’t say such a thing.”
Luhan’s had turned to stare vaguely at the French window instead. Outside, the night was falling and Seoul city was brightened up with all colorful lights. Everything looked so youthful and energetic; they were supposed to lighten up lives and give inspirations.
But why it felt so lifeless there?
“What’s wrong Lu? Your family’s not the only problem, right?”
“…”
“I can listen you know.”
“Everything will be fine Wufan.”
The Bambi looked back at Wufan with an assuring smile, and for once the blonde really doubted it.
***
Having only two days to revise for exam didn’t dampen Luhan. After all he had studied really hard during the semester, and either was dumb. Wufan also gave some help, having taken notes and written the lessons out for him. They didn’t talk much during session, but the brunette remained in his flat and always never forgot to say “good luck”, along with a sincere smile, before they sat for exam. That lightened Wufan’s mood a bit, having been stressed out with all tension.
It took four days to complete final term exam. Luhan looked completely at ease while Joonmyeon was still trying to check his answers in the key, sometimes gave out a groan in frustration muffled in his palm. Minseok seemed to be a bit exhausted, but still fine. Next to him, Jongin was banging his head on the desk, mumbling something like “would have to resit it again for sure”. The only ones who still in their sense, if not say hyper than usual, were probably Chanyeol and Baekhyun.
“Party rock is in the house tonight
Everybody just have a good time
And we gonna make you lose your mind
We just wanna see ya shake that…”
Chanyeol howled in his creepily deep voice. Baekhyun was moving to the shuffle dance with the most troll face he could put on around Jongin, the tanned-skin boy looked like he was about to flip over the table and strangle the older. The sight must entertain Luhan a lot as the brunette couldn’t hide a big grin behind his palm, Wufan couldn’t help but find his reaction endearing. The deer tipped his head lightly, their eyes met, and somehow Wufan’s startled as he stared straight into those doe eyes. The smile on his face was sincere, there’s no doubt, but his eyes looked so sad and brooding. The uncomfortable feeling before their exam stirred again in Wufan’s stomach and he felt like a shiver just ran down his spine.
It probably wasn’t a sign of anything good.
“Hey wait.”
Baekhyun stopped shuffling, (thanks God cause Jongin looked like he really wanted to jump up on the older) before pointing his finger accusingly at Wufan.
“Hyung, you’ve never invited us to your flat.”
“I what?”
The blonde asked back, almost gawking at his dongsaeng but immediately stopped. He mustn’t look cool at all if the boy did so.
“I said you’ve never invited us to your flat.”
He pouted, using trade-mark puppy eyes. That wasn’t indicating to anything good, Wufan’s alarmed.
“Well, we were kinda busy back in the semester. Besides, I don’t think my flat is different than yours.”
“But we want to come.”
I knew it.
“It’s a real pigsty. I live alone and don’t take care of it much.”
“It can’t be compared to ours, right? You’re not that messy.”
Baekhyun retorted. Wufan tried not to grimace as images of the last visit to ChanBaek dorm replayed in his mind. The blonde turned around to find some helps from Luhan, but the brunette seemed to be entertained a lot, seeing how Wufan had to struggle with his dongsaeng.
“Please, hyung, please. We wanna see your place.”
That time Chanyeol joined, whining childishly. He must think he looked very cute, but Wufan could tell that Minseok behind them was pretending to throw up at the sight.
“Well I…”
“There’s no other answer Wufan, just let them come. I also wanna see how you live.”
What???
Wufan almost screamed as Luhan ended up his struggle with ChanBaek with an indifferent answer. The two younger boys high-fived in glee and the blonde stared at them in horror, before shifting his gaze back at Luhan’s face in shock. The brunette only shrugged nonchalantly like nothing had just happened, as if he wasn’t the one suggesting such a thing. Joonmyeon was still sobbing over his textbook, so Minseok gave the last shot as a declaration:
“Joonmyeonnie need to release his frustration. Next bonding session is at Wufan’s flat. No protest.”
ChanBaek cheered in glee for the second time, and the blonde swore Luhan’s laugh was the loudest among others’.
“But call me before you come, ‘kay?”
Wufan felt like his ears went deaf then with all whistles and laughs.
“Thought you want to hide it away from them?”
“Hide what?”
“The fact that we’re staying together. I thought you didn’t want them to know?”
Wufan asked as they reached their flat. Luhan laughed lightly in reply, and somehow the other felt so light-headed as he heard the sound. It was s soothing and beautiful to his ears.
“I’m not a cheater to Sehun. Why am I scared?”
And now the taller felt the tips of his ears going red. He must act like a teen girl, making a fuss over nothing.
“But I admit I don’t want anyone know about that.”
Luhan said while kicking his shoes to the side before stepping into the living room. Wufan followed suit, but not forgetting putting their shoes back on rack.
“So why did you even encourage them?”
“Just want to tease you a bit. You looked hilarious you know. I should have brought my camera.”
No Wufan you’re not blushing okay? You’re not!
“Thanks for being a traitor just then. Now what should I do?”
“There will always be a way to get out so enjoy yourself now Wufan.”
Luhan was so random and hard to grab a hold of. Wufan couldn’t help but wonder as he watched the smaller boy flipped through some channels in boredom. The sight of him looking all relaxed and composed was so far from his expression back in the afternoon.
The exam had ended for one week already, and they didn’t have to go to school much. Sehun was having his mock entrance exam so Luhan stayed away from the younger’s place, declaring that he needed to concentrate on his study. That helped Wufan have more time with the brunette, and the boy tried to take full advantage of his rare chance. There wasn’t much time left anyway, he only had about two weeks. Wufan’s stomach always twitched whenever he looked at calendar and calculate the countdown.
So, Wufan decided that it was time for him to stir Luhan’s memories, as much as possible. He suggested watching some Chinese Movies Luhan usually enjoyed with Kris back in Beijing, but the brunette only shushed him whenever the blonde tried to make conversations. The first plan didn’t work at all so Wufan moved to another one. He changed his hair to the old style like Kris’s and wore the same outfit Luhan had made for the doll, before wandering around the other all day long. But to his expectation, his friend only took a small glance at him (along with a curt “nice look.”)
That’s quite horrible. Wufan couldn’t help but think before leaping to another plan. He tried to make conversation everywhere, hinting at anything related to Kris, but Luhan just stared blankly at him. Or sometimes they both were even interrupted by Jongin as the kid just clung to Luhan and didn’t let him go.
(“I swear I will tell Oh Sehun.”
Wufan growled while no one was around.
“Suit yourself, hyung. You’re also trying to steal Luhan hyung anyway.”
That silenced the blonde immediately.)
He was contemplating whether to lock Luhan in a closet and get naked his upper body so it could remind the latter. In the end, his idea was dismissed.
(“That’s called ‘sexual harassment' you know!!!’
Yixing screamed, making expression of disgust though Wufan couldn’t see it from an ocean apart.
It wasn’t like he was really fond of it anyway.)
“If I’m not mistaking then I think I’ve just seen Jongin waltz on the sidewalk leading to the block with the others.”
“What?”
Wufan almost spat out all the tea he was drinking. He was enjoying a peaceful Saturday afternoon with Luhan, though they both talked only a little. The blonde turned to stare at Luhan in incredulity; the other was still sitting next to the French window as if he hadn’t just stated such a horrible thing.
“You must be kidding me.”
He choked, ignoring the way Luhan used “our flat” which sent butterflies down his stomach. Luhan just shrugged nonchalantly, didn’t even bother to look at his friend:
“You can see it by yourself.”
The taller boy made a beeline from his kitchen to the window, only quick enough to caught a glimpse of Chanyeol’s electrocuted hair. Wufan couldn’t help but groan in frustration. Those traitors!!! And he thought he had made it clear that calling before coming. The boy turned around; Luhan was wearing his shoes with the most indifferent expression Wufan had ever seen from the other.
“Where are you going?”
“I’ve moved my blanket and books to your room so you can tell them that they’re yours.”
“I ask you, where are you going?”
That time Wufan frantically said, pulling Luhan back inside the flat with him while closing the door. Their close proximity made the blonde feel so light-headed all of a sudden; he could breathe in fully the faint scent of Luhan’s cologne. Somehow it scented of autumn and Wufan almost chuckled at his imagination, because it was June and it was summer.
But it wasn’t time to chuckle over something.
“I’m about to run away and hide at somewhere.”
“Why?”
“Are you whining?”
Luhan retorted, mischievous amusement played across his feature and for one second Wufan almost banged his head on the wall nearby. Another side of that brunette he had never seen? Luhan had never looked that gleeful before, even when he saw the French window in Wufan’s flat and claimed it to be his. Seeing the blonde in such a state was entertaining to him that much? At the moment Wufan would be sure for one hundred percent that making him confused and frantic was one of Luhan’s favorite pastime.
“You can’t leave Luhan, others will question.”
“You’re here and they don’t know I live with you.” He paused briefly: “How about, you go with me?”
“What?”
Wufan felt like his eyes would pop out of their sockets at any moment.
Did Luhan just invite him to join one of his hiatus routine?
Wufan stared at the brunette, mouth agape in pure shock like a fish out of water. The said boy waited for a while, before stomping his feet in annoyance:
“I don’t have all time in the world. Answer quickly or else they’re coming.”
“But… This is my flat… Why do I have to go?”
“So you stay?”
Wufan looked down at the clothes he was wearing. Gray shirt and a pair of white khaki, they seemed to be pretty decent. Wufan turned back to stare at the living room, before shifting his gaze to his shoes on rack; he felt like they were yearning at him to wear them and leave immediately.
Why did he give in anyway? Wufan massaged his temple lightly as they stood outside his flat, Luhan was locking the door behind. Soon the brunette moved to stand beside him while smiling sincerely.
“Ding.”
Sound of elevator echoed through the hallway and Wufan frantically asked as he heard Chanyeol’s creepy laugh from the other side.
“They are coming.”
“So what?”
“Why are you that calm?”
“There’re things called staircase and emergency exit in every building Wufan.”
And with that, Luhan pulled him to run to the other end of the hall, where they met a staircase leading to lower floors.
Wufan thought all of his cool images must be crumbled down Luhan’s feet already.
“Where are we going now?”
Wufan asked as they escaped successfully from the block through emergency exit. Both boys were taking a walk downtown when his phone went off all of a sudden. Wufan took it from his pocket, anticipating that it was Joonmyeon calling.
It was indeed Joonmyeon.
The blonde didn’t say anything else as he turned off his device. Next to him, Luhan’s cellphone also started ringing; the other quickly repeated Wufan’s action after seeing Minseok’s name flashing on screen.
“They’re probably thinking we’re running away together.”
Luhan grinned gleefully while saying. Wufan tried to keep his stomach still at the thought of them “running away together”. He betted that even Sehun had never heard such a thing from Luhan. His inside burst with a strong feeling mixed of happiness and excitement, and all of a sudden the blonde thought he might fly to anywhere, everywhere, only if Luhan was also there with him.
“We indeed are.”
He breathed. The brunette turned to stare at him like contemplating something, and somehow it made Wufan a bit uncomfortable. He found an excuse by repeating his own question before:
“So where are we going?”
“I don’t know.”
The shorter boy answered honestly, head tilted aside to look at Wufan again. The latter tried to push the thought of how adorable Luhan looked at that moment to the back of his head, because it wasn’t the right time to be a fanboy. He should concentrate on something more important, like where they would spend for the next hours. The boys probably couldn’t come back home, it wasn’t smart at all. Chanyeol and Baekhyun surely didn’t give up easily.
“You usually have ‘hiatus routine’ so I thought you know where to go in this kind of situation?”
“What’s ‘hiatus routine’?”
Luhan’s eyes twinkled as he heard the phrase. Wufan just wished he hadn’t have said such a thing as the smaller boy was looking at him now in anticipation, waiting for an explaination.
“What you usually do, go away for a few days and come back.”
“Others call it like that?”
“Yeah.”
And Luhan laughed, not loudly much, but his voice was clear and it rang like bells in Wufan’s head. The blonde thought he was about to be light-headed again.
“Funny.” The brunette muttered after recovering from his high. But Wufan noticed Luhan stopped looking into his eyes, as he turned to stare at some shops around them, probably to distract himself. “So, do you want to have coffee or go shopping or...”
He trailed off, before exclaiming loudly:
“Let’s go to the beach!”
“You’re always this random?”
Wufan asked as he was pulled by the other to turn back and go to opposite direction. He groaned, thinking of the long walk they needed to take before reaching a station.
“If I’m not random then I can’t go for ‘hiatus routine’ as you all thought.”
Luhan’s fingers felt cold against his skin, and without thinking much, instead of letting the brunette drag him, Wufan linked their hands together. And they walked side by side, shoulders bumping. They must look weird to passers-by, but the blonde couldn’t care less because Luhan didn’t care either.
***
It took the two boys four hours to reach their destination, and when they did, there was evening already. But maybe it was better. Summer meant holidays, also meant that many people would come to the beach and being in a crowd wasn’t something Wufan’s appreciated. So when the sight of a deserted seaside met Wufan’s eyes, he couldn’t help but heave out a breath of relief.
They walked together for a while till the moment Luhan stopped abruptly on his spot. He pulled Wufan’s sleeve lightly and the taller boy followed his gaze, only to find a cottage on the coastal path directing to the beach.
“We’ll stay there, okay?”
Luhan said, but all of a sudden Wufan felt like his voice didn’t sound as enthusiastic as before. It was hard to make out Luhan’s features in the dark, but thanks to the light coming from a few stores nearby, the blonde still had a light glimpse of the other’s face. He couldn’t help but think the night wasn’t falling down only at the sky, but also in the brunette’s soul.
“Whose cottage is that, Xiao Lu?”
Wufan asked, trying to strike a conversation. Luhan had taken few steps forward and didn’t turn back to his friend as he answered:
“It belongs to my mom. She passed it down to me after her death.”
The taller boy could understand a bit now.
The interior inside was pretty simple, but very nice and elegant. Luhan sank into the couch as soon as he came to the living room, and Wufan could only sit down on a chair nearby. They didn’t talk much anymore. Luhan looked dampened all of a sudden, there was no trace of his previous attitude that afternoon and the other couldn’t help but wonder why. If Luhan wasn’t comfortable at all with the cottage, he shouldn’t have come there. Wufan had taken a glance at the house when he came closer, and now looked at the living room, the boy was sure that the place had been taken care of very carefully. Luhan once told him his mother’s new family didn’t know about his existence in Korea, so there was no way he could come there that randomly, unless he was the only one knowing about it. It also meant Luhan was the one having been taken care of it. Wufan’s body suddenly felt warm at the thought that the little deer still loved his mother very much.
“Do you want to eat something?”
Luhan asked, and Wufan felt his stomach growl lightly. Being human for four months had taught the boy already how to be hungry.
The pizza was delivered fifteen minutes later. Luckily it didn’t contain octopus in its ingredient, the blonde thought happily. Luhan only had one slice, although the other had tried to force him eat a little bit more. Somehow the brunette had found few cans of beer in the fridge, and as much as Wufan protested, he still drank them. Gradually Luhan’s cheeks became rosy under the dim light of the living room and Wufan had to restrain his hand a lot to not reach out and touch them, as it would be very creepy and awkward. Usually Luhan didn’t drink, whenever they hanged out with the others, he was the one, along with Wufan, to sit aside and watch their friends drink till all those young men became tipsy and lost their mind.
It was the fourth can already when Luhan turned to look at Wufan, who was feigning to concentrate on the pizza. He grinned vaguely, and reached his hand out to pull Wufan’s shoulder.
“I want to go on a walk.”
Luhan slurred. Wufan took a glance at the watch on the coffee table. It was nine already, outside it was very dark.
“I have flashlight.”
The smaller boy waved a flashlight he took from God-knew-where as if he had read through Wufan’s mind. The blonde couldn’t help but sigh while standing up, not forgetting to take along a flannelette blanket and covering it on Luhan’s small frame. It might be summer, but they were near the sea and it could be pretty cold at night.
Beach at night was totally opposite to the beach during the day. It was so deserted, so cold, so quiet, to the point it actually gave Wufan goosebumps. But Luhan looked too indifferent as he walked beside him, somehow the taller boy felt like his friend really belonged to there, belonged to the darkness and the silence coming from the sea. The wild brought to them the identical scent of salt off shore, the smell hit Wufan’s sense strongly and the boy took in a long breath as his whole body relaxed soothingly.
It wasn’t bad much, he guessed.
They were sitting on shingle, facing the sea. It was Luhan idea and even though feeling a bit unsure, Wufan still accepted to sit next to him. It wasn’t like his friend would listen to him either. Before they came there, the brunette had made a deal on the train and forced Wufan to accept it. What was the kind of “following all of my orders and no protest” anyway? So the blonde had no choice but settle down beside the brunette, his hand secretly crept behind Luhan’s back. Just in case if he fell so Wufan would be able to give a quick catch.
“It’s nice, isn’t it?”
Luhan asked. Wufan only nodded in reply while playing with the flashlight in his hands. He doubted the other could see his nod. But it seemed like the shorter didn’t care much as he only continued:
“Sometimes I hid there when I was in my, as you guys inferred, ‘hiatus routine’.” Luhan laughed lightly as he said so.
“It’s not ‘hiatus routine’ Wufan. It’s called ‘running away’.”
“…”
“I ran away whenever I felt too tired and just wanted to disappear forever. I hope I can get out of the mess called my life. But it’s so sad. However far I ran, I still can’t escape.”
“Don’t say that Luhan.”
Wufan muttered under his breath. His inside felt like burning in annoyance and all of a sudden he felt so suffocated.
Luhan still felt that even when he had Wufan by his side?
“Sehun is really a good kid, right?”
Suddenly Luhan changed their story. The blonde felt a pang in his chest as his friend mentioned the younger boy. Images of Sehun flashed in his mind for a mere second and inattentively he wondered whether Luhan had pulled the boy to go with him, to somewhere like that.
“Sehun also lost his mother. It was five years ago. People told him that she had an accident. Such a beautiful lie.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing.” Luhan laughed dryly. His voice low as he continued humming:
“I hate medicine so no drinking poison. I can’t buy a gun so no shooting. I’m afraid of height so no jumping from a building. I want to keep my body still so no car crashing.”
What was that?
Wufan felt like a shiver just ran down his spine as he heard Luhan slurred. The dark was covering them and the blond could see almost nothing. He didn’t believe in ghost, but there was a thing called magic, right? If not then why was he there?
It actually scared Wufan now.
“Luhan ah, look at me.”
He called frantically. The taller felt Luhan’s head moved a bit beside his shoulder. Along with the monotonous sound of sea wave, Luhan’s soft voice reached his ears:
“I will only pull you to go with me this time Wufan. Don’t live a life like I do, it’s not healthy. I’m just a coward who doesn’t have bravery to fight for his life.”
“I said stop it Luhan.”
If Luhan was a coward, so who was Wufan? Both of them might be two cowards then.
“Why?”
“If you don’t stop I will kiss you.”
The words blurted out from Wufan’s mouth, but he soon absorbed what he just said and quickly, the boy felt his cheeks heated up and so did the tips of his ears. Stupid, he screamed mentally and just wanted to smack his head right then. What was that kind of threat? He sounded like a big pervert.
“We-well, I mean I-I…”
“You’re so cute Wufan.”
Luhan giggled instead, and the taller boy was tongue-tied immediately. He felt the body beside him moved, and soon hot breath fanned on his cheek, which just heated it up more than ever. The faint scent of beer invaded his scent and he felt the other’s breath also wavered a bit. Instinctively, Wufan put his hand on Luhan’s waist to steady the other. The little deer leaned on his touch slightly and somehow the blonde just wished the time could stop, so they could stay the same forever.
“I will be selfish for only this time, Wufan. I can’t hurt others anymore.”
Wufan anticipated a kiss, or something similar, but it never happened as he felt the body in his arms slumped down heavily. Luhan had dozed off already. The conscious boy flushed lightly at the thought he was bearing, but couldn’t help a faint smile.
Luhan was sometimes that oblivious and naïve.
The feeling of having Luhan in his arms was too good to be true, it calmed his anger before and all of a sudden his inside burst with that overwhelming feeling. If only he could scream out how he felt right now.
He only needed Luhan like that, submissively and peacefully in his arms.
Please, don’t run away anymore.
Wufan tightened his hold around the small frame as he pulled Luhan closer to his body.
The next morning Wufan woke up, only to be greeted with the sight of a Luhan sleeping peacefully. Actually, Luhan was sleeping on the couch while Wufan was lying on the carpet floor, right beside the couch. Their two linked hands were still the same, which was a big surprise to him. He remembered he had given the other a piggyback to the cottage, and when they reached the place, Wufan was too tired to make it to the bedroom. Actually, there’re two bedrooms in the cottage but the taller boy didn’t feel like sleeping alone. He didn’t want to be separated from Luhan anymore, but sleeping in one room might seem to be suspicious, and Wufan just couldn’t let Luhan slept on the floor. So he settled down for the couch instead. After tugging the brunette in, he also lied down, but not forgetting to reach out and get a hold of Luhan’s little hand.
Wufan smiled a bit at their hands. They fitted perfectly together and Wufan could feel the other’s warmth was radiating to his skin, which spread a pleasing satisfaction through his body.
The bump on the couch stirred a bit and Wufan frantically closed his eyes. He felt the hand in his moved a bit, but didn’t let go, and soon a shadow casted all over his face. Fingertip left feathery traces as it outlined Wufan’s brows, nose, mouth, and cheekbones. The act gave him light goosebumps, but he didn’t dare open his eyes.
“Good morning, sleeping beauty.”
Wufan fluttered his eyes open and Luhan’s bright smile invaded his view.
Their linked hands were still the same.
They spent the entire day for goofing around the beach. Wufan wasn’t happy at all as the attention Luhan received was a bit too much, he thought he might slowly become a possessive brat like Sehun soon if people didn’t stop. Luckily, Wufan had that intimidating aura around him, and Luhan was only fond of playing with children so finally the taller boy was somewhat contented. The sight of that certain Bambi playing with kids was very endearing to the blonde, he couldn’t help but chuckle while calling back the conversation with Zitao a month ago
He watched as Luhan flied kite. The object always fell onto the ground, which gave Wufan lots of good laugh. The brunette pouted at the sight before running to his friend and pulling his hand. Eventually they flied the kite together, Wufan stood behind Luhan and for the first time he was glad that he didn’t have a heart, or else it would burst soon. (He read that from one of Yixing’s books, pardon him.) Soon, the kite was forgotten as Luhan pushed Wufan into the water. They wrestled around the beach, which must look very funny, considering their height difference.
Luhan’s smile was something Wufan just wanted to capture and put it in a crystal jar.
Later in the evening, Wufan had to catch the train to come back Seoul. He had works at the clinic on Monday. Regardless of his asking, Luhan still decided to stay at the cottage for few more days. The brunette was so stubborn with his decision that in the end Wufan had no choice but waving white flag in surrender.
The two stood at the station sidewalk while waiting for Wufan’s train. The train might be very crowded then, the taller boy assumed as there were many people around them chatting merrily. Somehow it felt like only he and Luhan kept silent in that noisy scene.
There was sound of train-whistle, and not long after that, the train slowly drew into the station. People started making their ways toward the train. Wufan looked back to his side to find Luhan stared at him intensely. The twinkle in his eyes had somehow died down, and his gaze were so full of deep emotions that Wufan was taken aback to see it.
For some mere seconds, Luhan looked like he was about to cry.
“What’s wrong Luhan?”
“…”
“If you want, I can stay.”
He asked, putting his large hand on Luhan’s shoulder. The other inhaled sharply before gave out a weak smile.
“Wufan, I don’t love Sehun.”
Among the deafening crowd, Luhan’s words still rang clearly like a bell in Wufan’s mind. The sentence only increased his anxiety more and more, because Luhan wasn’t the type of person who was willing to confess such a thing. He tightened the grip on his ticket while staring at the brunette incredulously.
What was happening that time?
“You should prepare to go now, the train is coming.”
Again, Luhan was the one interrupting his train of thought. People were getting on the train and as a result, slowly they pushed Luhan further and further from him. He tried to break the crowd but still in vain.
“Please, go.”
Luhan pleaded, for the first time they ever met, and Wufan froze death.
When Luhan came back, Wufan would tell him. Wufan thought while sitting on the train to Seoul. He glanced back at his cell phone. One week was left, but as soon as Luhan came back he would make him realize.
Everything would be fine again soon, right?
***
Luhan’s death came all of a sudden in a summer night, two days later.
Thinking back again, Wufan found it quite inevitable. He didn’t know why, he just felt like that. The way Luhan talked, the way Luhan smiled, the way Luhan walked in red sunset along the shore… All of them screamed out nothing but pure deadlock. Maybe that’s the reason why he didn’t show much of his shock to others upon hearing the news.
Or rather, he didn’t have a heart to really feel the actual shock. His body felt numb already.
“Luhan…died?”
Wufan asked again, just to confirm what Zitao had said. The younger boy heaved out a long sigh through the phone, and even when they weren’t actually sitting opposite each other, Wufan could still see him rub his temple tiredly, eyes bloodshot from crying.
“I heard that from Sehun, he had just gone with the police. Luhan gege committed suicide. We haven’t met for a while and-and I… I just don’t know anymore, gege. I-I don’t understand…” Zitao’s voice cracked. “He’s supposed to live a happy life. There’s nothing wrong here, he’s still too young and having a bright future. I’ve never thought someone like him could do such a thing.”
Wufan imagined Zitao with his tear-stained cheeks again. The boy was probably sobbing his heart out in agony of losing one of his close friends.
If Luhan were here, he would definitely know how to comfort the younger boy. Wufan turned his head to the right side and stared blankly at the door of the spare room Luhan always used whenever he slept over. The shorter boy whould open the door at that moment, mumble something under his breath before pushing Wufan to the side and take over the call. Then he would possibly coax Zitao to talk to him in the kindest voice he could offer, and in the end Zitao would stop crying and Luhan would praise him for being a “good boy”, or assure him, that everything would be fine again…
Last time he said that to Wufan and he didn’t come back.
Luhan…
Where did he go?
Wufan was about to ask, but then the reality hit him, hard on his face and the blonde stared blankly at the door, and then at the phone he was holding. His head felt numb all of a sudden and all Wufan could think about was only a sentence, chanted repeatedly, cruelly in his ears.
Luhan’s dead.
Something stabbed him in his ribcage, hard, and Wufan had to inhale sharply.
Fuck, he didn’t have a heart, okay?
The dark-haired boy still didn’t stop crying, and showed no sign of intending to. His sobs just got louder and louder.
“Don’t cry Tao. Stop crying.”
Wufan awkwardly said after a long pause and he himself found it surprising that his voice’s still steady. No wavering, which turned out was a shock to Zitao.
“What’s wrong with you gege?”
“Why did you say that?”
“You don’t show any sign of hurt or sadness. Luhan’s dead, do you understand?”
Tao accused, his voice raised higher than usual then, with the accompaniment of continuous sobbing. The sound was so ugly to Wufan’s ear that he didn’t want to hear it again. It was like, Wufan didn’t know how to describe, tearing him into pieces.
“Luhan’s my friend Tao. How could yo-”
“Heartless bastard!”
“You DON’T know Zitao!”
Wufan grolwed, voice a bit louder that time. Something deep inside his chest twisted, and Wufan felt weird because nothing’s there and he knew the foreign feeling was not only because of Zitao’s accusation. The boy was still young and naïve to the world around him, he laughed if he felt happy and cried id he felt sad. He wasn’t afraid of showing his true shell, and that’s why sometimes he didn’t understand what others actually felt under their calm masks. He’s just naïve… Luhan’s words came back to remind Wufan and the blonde pressed his lips into a thin line.
Zitao just didn’t understand.
Wufan swallowed down the lump in his throat before speaking again:
“You don’t understand Taozi. It’s really complicated here. I-I don’t know how to explain. It’s just that…”
I… Luhan…
The words were stuck in Wufan’s throat and the boy could do nothing but keep silent. What he wanted to say, he didn’t know how to say. Yixing did teach him some things, but nothing like the feeling he was having at the moment. It’s so strange and overwhelming, somehow Wufan felt scared, and above all insecure. He had never experienced that before. Even when he was forced to leave Luhan five years ago, even when he was dumped and trampled on carelessly, lying in the dark with no one around before Yixing came to pick him up, but never had Wufan felt like that… Why did those feeling have to come when Luhan had died already and Wufan was now considered as a heartless freak?
If only everything would be simple like being a doll…
Or simply say, did Wufan just regret becoming a human?
“I’m sorry gege.”
Zitao’s voice pulled Wufan back to the reality and the blonde blinked twice into the space before fully comprehending what had just happened.
“It’s okay Tao.”
“It must be really hard to you, and I’m being stupid here. Of course you’re sad, he’s your best friend anyway.”
Best friend?
The word sounded foreign here.
Someone knocked on the door of Wufan’s apartment, which startled the blonde pretty much since he was still in his train of thoughts. The boy turned back to the phone and said quickly:
“I have a guest now. We’ll talk later, okay?”
“I bet it’s Sehun.”
Tao said and something in Wufan became frozen.
Oh Sehun?
It was exactly Oh Sehun standing in front of Wufan’s door.
The younger boy fidgeted uncomfortably under Wufan’s gaze, before looking up:
“Can I come in…” He hesitated. “…hyung?”
He asked timidly, the word “hyung” forced out of his mouth sounded so pathetic. Sehun had always avoided Wufan, and the taller assumed that the younger was just holding a grudge on him or something. Actually the thought of talking to Wufan alone was terrified to Sehun, much less calling him as “hyung” or “gege”. Sehun didn’t know how to call Wufan, even though knowing the other didn’t mind much, because he was from China. Wufan wasn’t Korean to consider all those honorific manners. But Sehun minded. He’s still a kid sometimes.
Besides, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to Wufan for nothing.
Wufan couldn’t help but find that quite a surprise. The older boy didn’t say a word, only stepped aside and Sehun passed by him to come into the living room.
“You did hear that he died, didn’t you?”
Sehun asked the moment sitting down on the velvet couch. Wufan froze, just a teeny tiny little bit before sitting down as well opposite the other.
“Yeah, Tao has just called me before you came.”
Silence filled the whole room again, that time thicker than ever and Wufan felt like all of what called oxygen had been sucked dry from his lung. It’s hard to breathe there, so suffocating. Both boys sitting there, in that room, didn’t know what to do, how to talk with the other. If Luhan were also sitting there, he would know how to initiate the talk. He could make Sehun laugh, Wufan noticed the youngest only showed out his emotions whenever that certain Bambi was around him. And then Luhan would make Wufan smile as well… The thought spread through the blonde warmly, and all of a sudden Wufan wanted to meet Luhan.
But Luhan’s gone already.
“The police wanted to meet you tomorrow, since you’re the last one to talk to him before he died.”
His voice sounded emotionless, but Wufan sensed something far deeper under that layer of tones.
Was Sehun jealous?
“It’s fine, I will take a day off.”
“The police want to meet you only because they have to fulfill the report, it’s a formality. There’s no doubt about Luhan committing suicide.”
“Who found out his body?”
Wufan couldn’t hold himself back but ask Sehun. The younger boy stared blankly into the space, forcing out a trail of dry laugh. He looked so miserable to Wufan.
“I did. I found him inside the bathroom of that cottage. If you don’t know, it’s the cottage where his mother once lived before her death.”
Something ran through Wufan’s spine and he couldn’t help but shiver lightly.
“I came with him, but I don’t know that’s where his mom lived…”
“…and died.”
“What?”
“She died there too. Committing suicide.”
Sehun answered calmly. All of a sudden something passed through Wufan’s mind like a déjà vu.
Ignoring Wufan’s werid stare, Sehun continued talking. His hands, even though clasped tight together, were still shaking, and in some mere seconds Wufan felt sorry for him. It must be hard. Sehun’s barely nineteen and had to witness the death of his so-called boyfriend. He let the poor boy pour his heart out, though having a vague feeling that after knowing the truth, the person obsessed and traumatized might not be Sehun anymore but him.
“I saw him laid in the full bathtub, head tilted aside. He looked pale and tired, his eyes shut tight and there was blood oozing out of the cut on his wrist…”
I hate medicine so no drinking poison.
I can’t buy a gun so no shooting.
I’m afraid of height so no jumping from a building.
I want to keep my body still so no car crashing.
“…I tried to call him, even shake him, but he didn’t open his eyes to look at me. I-I checked his breath, but he didn’t even breathe anymore. When I came he had died already.”
Wufan could imagine it, the sight of Luhan lying in the bathtub with one hand holding the blade. Blood oozed out from the cut on his wrist… Luhan’s hands were always small and the wrists were pale, usually Wufan could even see the veins under the skin and feel the way them beat weakly under his touches… Luhan would still wear the white shirt like he did when he saw Wufan the last time, but the shirt must have been turned into a red one anyway, because blood was everywhere. The water was red because of Luhan’s blood. Luhan in red… Luhan looked good in red…
The blonde felt like throwing up and without thinking twice, he opened the French window and ran to the balcony. The wind of a late June night hit his hot face and Wufan gasped for as much air as possible. He felt suffocated to just sit in there and listen to Sehun’s words. Did the younger try to torture him with all of those images? But wasn’t it like torturing himself, because Wufan knew Sehun loved Luhan too much. Wufan choked and coughed hard. His eyes suddenly felt stung but the boy ignored the feeling and came back to the living room. Sehun had no longer sitting but move to the front door. He would be going soon.
“Tomorrow I will pick you up at 8AM.”
It wasn’t an offer, it’s a demand.
“Okay.” The older mumbled while looking at the back of Sehun’s neck. The younger was really, really thin. Even when Sehun did look older and calmer than his real age outside, but at that moment the boy seemed so young and vulnerable. He’s younger than Luhan by four years anyway, Wufan vaguely thought.
It would be a long night, because Wufan didn’t think he could sleep with the fact that Luhan had died.
Luhan died, meaning that he was going to die as well, soon.
But why did he feel nothing about it?
Wufan touched his chest as he was lying in bed. Something twisted, deep inside it and the boy felt so hurt all of a sudden. His hand wandered around in the darkness till it groped the unfamiliar material of Luhan’s blanket. The blonde pulled it closer to his body and he inhaled the scent sharply. That certain annoying feeling stuck in his throat again, and Wufan shut his eyes tight.
Don’t leave.
***
It didn’t take Wufan long to wait for the policemen. He and Sehun just drank their teas in silence for five minutes before two middle-aged men wearing casual clothes came into the shop. Sehun noticed them immediately, having to talk to them the day before, so Wufan just sat there and watched them. Sehun was right. Since it was too obvious that Luhan committed suicide, all the questions they gave him was just to fill in the report. They asked him whether Luhan had any strange kind of behaviors before his death, but Luhan’s always unpredictable so Wufan didn’t know how he should answer to it.
“So, he’s just like, saying that he wanted to go to somewhere and you followed him?”
“Yeah, sometimes he left for days and then came back, so I thought he was just tired of going alone and wanted my accompaniment.”
Wufan answered. He could feel Sehun tensed up a little bit lightly beside him, but the younger quickly regained back his composure and took a sip from his drink like nothing happened.
“So, do you know that Luhan-ssi has cancer?”
“What?”
Both boys asked back in unison, pure shock written clearly on their pale face.
“Yesterday we found this in his dorm.” One man said, pulling out a sheet of paper. It was a medical examination with Luhan’s name. The words “stomach cancer” came into Wufan’s view and for a moment he felt suffocated again.
“He’s in the late stage of the disease, and we assume that maybe the reason of the committing suicide was because of this. There’s no way he can survive anyway.”
“Do you know about this?”
Wufan asked quietly, his eyes shifted to look at Sehun. The poor boy just shook his head. He looked pathetic than ever, lips trembling and the blonde was scared that he might cry, like Tao had done the night before.
But in the end he didn’t. Sometimes Sehun could be braver than Wufan thought he actually was.
The policemen had gone for a while, leaving behind the two boys sitting in silence again. They said Sehun could come to Luhan’s dorm to gather his belongings and Wufan thought it would be quite unnecessary as Minseok also lived there. Maybe the older had packed all Luhan’s things for them. Or maybe not…
“He didn’t tell me anything.”
Sehun said, his eyes didn’t leave the teacup on the table. The younger boy looked even more miserable than before, and Wufan had never felt that sympathetic to the other.
“If I’d known it sooner… He’s always that thin, and the exams… I-I just thought he was tired of them and all the problems at the clinic. I didn’t know… I’m so stupid!”
And I’m that equal dumb too. Wufan bit his lip and looked hown at the hands clasping tight together on his laps. He was with Luhan all the time and he didn’t know anything. He was such a fool for letting things go that easily. The painful expression Luhan had recently… Headaches and nightmares? They were all lies. Wufan should have checked his medicine out, or at least taken more attention.
This, wasn’t Sehun’s fault. It was his fault, Wufan’s fault. That was because of him that Luhan died.
“And I’m supposed to be his boyfriend, damn it!”
He growled in frustration. Wufan took time to stare at Sehun’s face, even though feeling quite uncomfortable with the sensation. As he had expected, Sehun looked dead tired. His brown hair was like a bird nest and heavy bags were obviously under his eyes. The younger looked like nothing but a mess. A big, mobile mess. Wufan wondered when Sehun could come back to his normal state again, all calm and indifferent.
But thinking back again, Sehun’s little world always revolved around Luhan’s planet. Luhan had a really big part in his life, so how could Sehun be normal if a part of his world was missing and never came back?
“Hey, Sehun.”
The younger tilted his head to stare at Wufan. Sometimes he looked like Luhan very much and it made the blonde feel uncomfortable.
“Why did you come yesterday?” It was rude, he knew. “I meant, you could just call me. I know you’re not fond of me anyway so why did you come to my house in the first place?”
“Luhan once told me that before he died, he wanted to go to the beach with the person he loved.”
Sehun said, his voice sounded distant. Something deep in that pair of brown eyes flickered. If things were still like usual, Luhan didn’t die and were still there, Wufan would be sure for one hundred percent that Sehun must be jealous to death. Anyway, the only feelings screaming out from Sehun’s eyes right now were pure sorrow and hurt.
But, love?
Did it mean that Luhan love him? Since Wufan was the last one he met and the only one he pulled to go to with.
But if Luhan loved him, why did he act like that? He meant, why did he do all of those things? Why did he still date Sehun and only come to Wufan whenever he felt like? Wufan once read from Yixing’s books that two people in love had to be together, forever and ever. If Luhan loved him, he should have chosen Wufan and shouldn’t have died. The truth was, Luhan had died, committing suicide. He didn’t even try to fight against his cancer, or anything to prevent. What was that kind of fact? Wufan knew he had responsibility there, but at least Luhan had to tell him something before he died, if those feelings were real… Tell him something…
Something snapped in Wufan’s head and the blonde was startled at the realization.
Did the day they went to the beach was their first, only and last date?
How bitter.
Anyway, Luhan didn’t say anything. What should he think then? Wufan felt something in his chest was tugged again, that time harder than the last time when he heard about Luhan’s dead.
Funny, there’s nothing in his chest so where were those feelings coming from?
Besides him, Sehun continued talking. Wufan didn’t know if the other really took no notice of his expression, or he just kinda ignored it. In any case, Wufan still felt glad that Sehun didn’t say anything about his face now.
“I don’t know why I came to meet you. Maybe, just maybe, I thought it would make me feel better, cause I could talk to the one he loves. I-I don’t have his love, he’s always so distant, but thinking that I’m talking to the one he loves may help me feel a little closer to him?”
Sehun was so pathetic, Wufan couldn’t help but think.
>>