A life of separation [2/2] - KrisHan Version
Title: A life of separation [2/2]
Pairing: Kris/Luhan, Sehun/Luhan.
Rating: R
Warning: mention of committing suicide and depressing theme
Summary: In fairy tale, the little mermaid died so her prince could live. But in the story of my own life, my prince even died before I could decide whether to kill him or not.
WC: 25,170 (for part II)
Editor: jang hanbyul @ tumblr - http://jang-hanbyul.tumblr.com/
Tao’s Korean was literally, painfully, utterly awful. Wufan wondered how that QingDao citizen could become an exchange student, his Korean was even worse than Wufan’s.
“No, it’s not 여 자. It’s 여 짜”
Wufan said patiently, pointing at Tao’s jotter. The younger boy only pouted in reply while using his pen to cross out the wrong word.
“I have no idea why Lulu gege could leave me with someone like you.”
“And I also have no idea why he forced me to teach a kid like you.”
The blonde retorted, feeling slightly a bit regretted as he had just remembered that Tao was a Wushu master. The dark haired boy’s not a master in Korean, sure, but he could knock a gang off with his Wushu stick. Wufan couldn’t help but shudder at the thought. He turned his head to take a few glances at the crowded street displayed behind glass. The air conditioners inside the café were working at full blast, yet they couldn’t knock back the heat of May. And it wasn’t even June or July yet. How could people survive from the heat then???
“Hey, aren’t they Luhan and Sehun?”
Zitao asked out of the blue, which made Wufan almost drop his cup of coffee. Following Tao’s direction, the taller stared outside, only to find two familiar figures walking casually down the street, hand in hand. Sehun was brushing bangs from Luhan’s eyes and the brunette smiled lightly at the act. Wufan couldn’t help but feel churned up at the sight, all insecure feelings in that certain April night came back again and right then they were more than vivid, which hit him hard on his face. Somehow the blonde felt glad that he was sitting, or else he didn’t think he could stand still.
Breathe in, Wufan ah. Breathe.In.
“You also know Sehun?”
Wufan asked after a while. Somehow Tao had become surprisingly meek like a kitten, silently doing his Korean homework without giving any remark toward his tutor.
“Well, technically he’s my neighbor.”
The dark haired boy shrugged nonchalantly. Wufan could only nod in reply. His head was so blank at the moment to find a thing to say.
“Gege, why don’t you go and take him back from Sehun?”
Zitao’s clear words sunk into silence, and just like a sharp blade, it ripped right through Wufan. The taller boy looked startled as he shifted his gaze toward the boy sitting opposite him. All childishess had vanished into the thin air, in front of Wufan was a new Hwang Zitao with only sincerity shining in his eyes.
“You like him, right? You look serious enough to say that.”
“Well, I-I-”
Wufan stuttered for the first time, and it wasn’t Luhan but a kid pushing him in such a state.
Love?
The taller didn’t know at all. He knew for sure that all his life was dedicate to Luhan, he was born as the brunette’s doll and the mission for the rest of his life was staying by his side. Even when he met Yixing and was turned into human, Wufan also didn’t think much about what would happen next. He simply thought he wanted to become a boy, a real boy, so he could go find Luhan himself and keep the promise they had made years ago when they were still young. The blonde had never expected things could be that complicated, with the appearance of a certain Oh Sehun and a kind of things called “feelings”.
Kris was Luhan’s doll, and Wufan was at the moment Luhan’s friend. Though Wufan and Kris was the same person with the same intention, but the situation had changed a lot. Being a human let Wufan learn many new things, the boy realized he had developed something inside him only for Luhan. He smiled if the other smiled, he worried if the other skipped meals, he would wait if the other still wasn’t at home… Friends also did those things for each other, but the sensation Wufan had every time was different than what he had when he was a doll. Wufan had been friend of Luhan for twenty years, he must know what was different from the past to present.
Even when the feeling was still vague, but Wufan believed it was sincere.
“Tao ah, it’s hard to explain.” Wufan said with difficulty after a while. “Luhan is Sehun’s boyfriend and he’s not a thing anyway. I don’t want to take him from anyone. I hope he can take time to choose by himself.”
Wufan almost bit his tongue then. Who was he to talk about taking time? He didn’t even have any time.
“Isn’t it ‘Happiness means fighting’? My dad once told me that.”
“Not all the time Tao. I mean, I respect Luhan’s decision. I hope he’s happy.”
“What if he’s not gege?”
“…”
“It’s too obvious gege, the way he looks at you. He finds you all the time even when a crowd surrounds you. Do you remember the first time we met? Luhan even knew that it was you before you actually appeared. Can you at least face the truth and do something?”
“He just thinks of me as a friend.”
Wufan muttered under his breath tiredly. The blonde stared at the spot the couple just stood again. Opposite him Tao could only huffed in frustration.
“Okay, it all depends on you ge. I’m just saying.”
“I will consider carefully. Thanks a lot Taozi.”
All annoying feeling Wufan had for Tao had vanished into the thin air, from when he himself didn’t know. He smiled lightly while ruffling Tao’s hair, the younger boy gave a small yelp as he fixed it but the older knew he wasn’t even mad at all.
“You two should get together, and I will become your son.”
“My what?”
Did Wufan’s ears just play some tricks on him?
“Being in Korea is lonely, and I really like Luhan gege so he will be my mama. But having Oh Thehun as my papa is pretty traumatizing so I prefer you then. Thehun can be my sibling, my younger sister.”
Wufan felt like choking on his own spit at the deadpan expression Tao was wearing.
Did he just start a family tree?
By the way, having Oh Thehun as a daughter was pretty traumatizing to Wufan too, just saying.
***
Working at the same hospital with Luhan helped Wufan know more about the shorter boy, or at least another aspect of him. Luhan could be distant from other doctors and apprentices, but when it came to patients, he was very concern and dedicated. Luhan especially liked children, he could spend time talking or playing with the kids at the clinic when there was no patient to take care of. His eyes always twinkled as he watched his little patients running around or laughing lively.
“You like kids that much, huh?”
Wufan asked one night when they were standing in the hallway of the building, watching other doctor passing by in a hurry to come to their clinics. The blonde put a coin into the vending machine nearby to take a can of soda. As the thing was ejected from the machine, he gave it to Luhan.
“At least they don’t know how to lie. And they can do what they want. Isn’t that great?”
The brunette answered, taking a sip from the drink.
“Do you want to come back to your childhood?”
Luhan only turned to stare at Wufan strangely, then started walking to another direction a little faster, leaving the latter behind. His friend frantically followed him and without thinking of passers-by stares, he pulled Luhan’s arm:
“I’m sorry.”
He breathed out lightly. The little deer tilted his head a little to avoid his gaze, but still, Wufan caught sign of hurt flashed deep in the brown orbs.
Ambulance stretcher rushed through the hospital’s entrance, making a beeline toward the emergency room. Both boys were startled as the alarm rang and without saying a word, they quickly ran toward the stretcher.
“What’s wrong?”
Wufan asked while eyeing the patient. Blood was still oozing out nonstop from the deep cut on her wrist, the blonde could tell due to the dampened clothe tied tight around it. Hyorin frantically answered while pushing the stretcher:
“Committing suicide. We gave her first aid already but she’s lost too much blood. Where’s doctor Luhan? He’s one in charge of the night shift today.”
Luhan?
Wasn’t Luhan following him?
He turned his head back to find the said boy, and was greeted with the sight of him trembling while leaning on the wall behind for support. The boy was paler than usual, his skin looked like it almost translucent, and beads of sweat were perspiring from his forehead, making their ways down the side of his face.
“Luhan?”
Wufan stopped going completely then, he called out worriedly. The boy was about approach his friend but Luhan had stopped him already, hand stretched out to indicate him stay still.
“I-I will go now.”
His voice sounded so weak and trembling. Luhan tried to walk but his legs gave up and the boy fell down on the ground.
“Luhan!”
Wufan rushed toward the Bambi, picking him up in his arms. Luhan’s hand was grasping at his left chest as the boy was gasping for air, his boy jerking painfully as if he were chocked. The blonde could feel accelerated heart rate came from the other.
“Kris… Kris…”
Luhan muttered under his breath, hand reached out to grasp for nothing in the air. Wufan felt like his body became frozen, breath caught in his throat at the sound of Luhan’s voice.
Did he just call “Kris”?
“I’m here, Luhan. I’m here, don’t be scared.”
He assured while taking Luhan’s hand in his, his hold just tightened more.
Shit, why didn’t he realize that sooner? Wufan thought, eyeing Luhan’s trembling body.
Hyorin ran out from the emergency room to find Luhan again. The nurse’s eyes wide opened in shock at the sight of the said doctor lying on the floor, jerking constantly.
“He’s having a panic attack now Hyorin-ssi, he can’t give the treatment. I heard that doctor Siwan’s at room 301.”
“O-okay, I understand.”
As Hyorin ran away and other doctor started rushing to the emergency room, Wufan immediately lifted Luhan up, the shorter boy fearfully grasped a hold of his blouse and buried face into it. The whole tiny frame trembled in Wufan’s arms. He carried the brunette to a bench nearby. Luhan was still breathing harshly, but at least he had stopped jerking his body.
“Inhale, Xiao Lu. Inhale using your stomach.”
It took Luhan few seconds to adjust what his friend just said and as he made it out, the shorter tried to comply with the order though with much difficulty.
“Hold your breath for 2 seconds. Yes, that’s it. Then slowly exhale, over 5 seconds.”
The brunette did the breathing exercise for few more times under the instruction of Wufan, till his breath became normal again. His hands were still shaking though, and sweat was all over his face.
Wufan was about to go and get his friend medication, but a small hand had wrapped around his wrist to prevent the boy from going. He looked down only to meet a pair of wet eyes stare back in pure panic.
“I wanna go home Wufan.”
His voice sounded so broken. Where was the usually indifferent, conceited Luhan? The Luhan in front of him looked so tiny and vulnerable, Wufan felt like something deep inside him just break again. It hurt him even more than the time Luhan said he didn’t remember him, because heck, it was the pain only Wufan had to suffer. Seeing someone you cared about suffer was ten times more hurtful, he dared say.
“Okay, we will go home Lu. We will.”
He said, forcing Luhan to climb on his back. The boy immediately threw away his so-called manly ego as he meekly followed his friend’s order. After asking for permission from the Chief, Wufan took Luhan out of the clinic. Both boys walked in blissful silence as they headed home, Luhan’s still on Wufan’s back.
“Wufan ah.”
Luhan whispered lightly into Wufan’s ear. Warm breath made the blonde shudder lightly, he just hoped the other didn’t notice.
“Um?”
He hummed in reply. Wufan felt Luhan’s nuzzled further into his neck as he spoke again, voice muffled and tiny and it was so hard to hear:
“My parents divorced when I was nine. My mom moved out and my dad remarried only one year later. My mom had left behind the son she always said to love him the most in this world.”
Luhan laughed humorlessly as he said so, but Wufan felt his shoulder got wet as something just dropped on it. And it wasn’t even raining.
“Actually she had had another man already, and to be worse, they even had a son who’s few years younger than me. She’s such a liar, hiding those things away from us for years… Anyway, she moved in with them after the divorce and, well, I was maybe a child at that time, but I knew everything.”
“I understand Luhan.”
“No, don’t talk like that Wufan. You don’t know.”
No, I know Luhan. I know how depressed you had been those old days. Wufan hadn’t thought the wound in the past could leave such a deep scar in Luhan’s heart like that. He still remembered the nights when Luhan’s parents had arguments. The brunette only nuzzled further into his blanket as he’s crying while holding Kris tight for dear life. In the day they left to the court, Luhan broke everything in his room, then pulled Kris to run away. He ran, ran, ran, and then hid in an old theater crying his eyes out. When the night fell, Luhan finally backed home only to find his single father in the living room. All of his mother’s belongings had gone. She’d stepped out of his life and left him like that.
“I always bore a hatred for her. How could she leave me like that? She always knows my dad doesn’t like me at all. I’m too weak to be a boy in his eyes. I heard that she went to Korea with her new family. And I thought: “Screw her. Hope that her family would break then.” I really wished that. I had wished she couldn’t have a better life after leaving me.”
“…”
“I was sent to Korea when I was sixteen. Do you know why? My stepmother doesn’t love me at all, and neither does her son. So they sent me away out of their sight. It’s fine, I thought. It’s better, I don’t like them anyway. After I came here one year, one day my mother appeared at my doorstep.”
Wufan’s hold on Luhan’s legs got tightened as he heard the smaller boy ramble. He bit his low lip so hard that it might bleed at any time, but the boy couldn’t care less. He just hoped all Luhan’s sorrow could be passed on to him, so he was the one to get hurt, not the tiny brunette on his back at the moment. Luhan’s really light, too light to be a real person, but at the same time he was so heavy too, with all the sadness he was carrying.
“She looked so pathetic, so sad and depressed. I thought I was supposed to laugh at her, like I usually imagined when I was younger, for being in such a state. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t force out a laugh, but instead I got angry. I thought: what’s wrong with her? She was supposed to live happily ever after. What I saw wasn’t the reality I wanted at all. So I yelled at her and even chased my own mom out of my dorm.”
Luhan’s head leaned on Wufan’s shoulder as he continued talking, that time tears fell from his beautiful eyes, rolling down his cheeks to his neck, but the boy wasn’t bothered to wipe them away anymore. He was too tired already.
“Months later she died, committing suicide. She cut her wrist like the patient just coming to the hospital. I was the one who discovered her body, the image still obsesses me and everytime I see something like that, I’m out of control.”
All of a sudden Wufan stopped walking. He looked stiffened under the streetlight, which scared Luhan lightly. Did he just talk about something annoyed him?
“Climb down Luhan.”
The hands holding Luhan’s legs were removed and the smaller boy had no other choice but to comply what the other said. Luhan stood in confusion behind Wufan till his friend turned around. He stared down at the brunette and wiped away all the tears on the small face with his warm, large palm. Only at that moment did Luhan realize Wufan’s eyes also looked really sad. His usually strong gaze was dripping with sorrow, and for some unknown reason Luhan felt like Wufan really did feel that. He was also feeling what Luhan had felt, had experienced, and he was trying to understand them with all his heart. There was always some sort of unspoken connection between them, they could understand what the other was feeling through eyes and the sensation alone had warmed up Luhan’s heart already.
Wufan’s hands made their way to Luhan’s shoulders. They lingered there for some seconds before firmly wrapped a hold tight.
“Just turn around and you will find me right behind, so don't be scared, okay?”
And to Luhan’s surprise, Wufan pulled him into a hug. Their first hug, to be more detailed.
“It will be fine, Lu ah. It will. So please believe me.”
His deep voice whispered to Luhan. Somehow the shorter felt like his eyes stung again.
Wufan ah, what should I do now? Why do you suddenly make things so hard like this?
With a messed up mind, Luhan also held Wufan back, two thin arms wrapped around broad shoulders. He couldn’t help but let his tears fall, again.
That night Wufan couldn’t sleep, not because of only Luhan’s depressing story but also the fact that the brunette had called Kris while having panic attack. The blonde needed to admit that he was very startled after hearing it, to the point that he actually felt shocked. And Luhan even once declined having any precious thing during his childhood. So what was the answer for his act that night then? Wufan didn’t think Luhan knew another Kris in his life, and it surely wasn’t a name appearing out of the blue in Luhan’s mind. He could have said his mother’s name, but why did he call Kris? Somehow Wufan had a feeling that Luhan was hiding something there. And maybe, he still had a chance?
The blonde immediately sat up on his bed as the thought was absorbed into his brain, and for the first time in two months Wufan could feel his body tingling again with the excitement he had lost already. Yes, that’s it, what if Luhan still remembered Kris but only trying to act cool? What if Kris was a sensitive topic to him that he didn’t want to touch it again? In any of those cases, Wufan thought he still really had a chance there.
Feeling a thirst burning his throat little by little, Wufan stood up and opened his door to have some water. He noticed light in the kitchen was still on.
“Luhan?”
He asked, making a beeline to the direction. Luhan was standing with hand grasped onto the table, dark circles under his eyes and beads of sweat were perspiring from forehead.
“What’s wrong Lu?”
Wufan placed his hand gently on Luhan’s shoulder, but never expected it to be pushed away. Seeing the dumbfounded, yet hurtful expression on Wufan’s face, the brunette could only sigh as he managed an excuse:
“Bad night; I just had a terrible headache. There’s nothing to be worried about.”
Painkilling drug soon took effect and Luhan could relax a little. The blonde was still wearing that worried expression so he gave him a smile as a little assurance. His friend only smiled tightly back, taking a big gulp of water from the mug he was holding.
“Do you want to eat ramen?”
Wufan asked out of the blue. Luhan still felt his stomach stir in pain a little but still, nodding his head in reply.
The blonde only made a bowl of ramen, knowing how little of food Luhan could actually eat in a meal. The said boy could eat like a bird, but he would never hesitate to try a new dish. He liked tasting food, to be exact. As he had expected, Luhan only had two gulps of Ramen before sliding the bowl back to Wufan. Like a wordless agreement, Wufan took it and continued eating the remaining.
“Xiao Lu.”
He called, trying to sound less anticipating by stuffing more noodles into his mouth.
“Swallow first Wufan. This is so not-you.”
Luhan made a face, pointing at the soup at the corner of Wufan’s mouth which made him feel very, very, very embarrassed.
“When you were having panic attack, I heard you say ‘Kris’. So, who’s Kris?”
The brunette stiffened up at the mention of Kris’s name. His eyes shifted to his hands placing neatly on laps, refusing to look straight into Wufan’s.
“It’s nothing Wufan. You don’t have to know.”
There, there, he was being stubborn again. Wufan frowned slightly, but still trying:
“Is he your ex before Sehun?”
“No, thanks for your imagination but he isn’t.”
“So who’s he?” Wufan paused briefly, squeezing his brain to remember something: “The first time we met, you said I looked familiar. Was that mean I look like him?”
“Aish, why are you all of a sudden this annoying?”
Luhan muttered under his breath while shooting the other a dirty look. He stood up abruptly and stomped to his own room, closing the door a bit harder than usual. Wufan bewilderedly looked at his direction, and then at the Ramen bowl in front of him.
It would take a lot of time then, the blonde couldn’t help but sigh.
***
News about Luhan’s panic attack spread like wildfire from the hospital to the Medicine department of Yonsei University. After all it wasn’t that only Luhan and Wufan practicing there. It was surely a hot topic, students around gossiped about the news as if it were such a fine meat and Wufan couldn’t even blame them. About Luhan, as a result of “not having recovered yet from the panic disorder”, plus “lacking of professionalism”, his work was handed over to Wufan and he was told to “wait till you gain back your balance and our hospital will welcome you again”.
“They treated you like that just because you’re a student!”
Baekhyun commented with angry tone. Luhan shrugged nonchalantly:
“It’s my fault anyway. If other doctors weren’t around, that patient could have died because of me.”
“Have you felt any better?”
From the couch Joonmyeon asked, his voice laced with sincere concern and the brunette only nodded his head lightly. He leaned a bit on Sehun and the kid was more than happy to be his shoulder. Sehun’s one hand came in contact with Luhan’s back and stroked it in a soothing manner, he whispered into his boyfriend’s ear something and the brunette only hummed along. Wufan couldn’t help but notice that lately his friend had been attached to Sehun too often and neglected him. Being free from all works at hospital gave Luhan’s a little time for himself, and the blonde felt like all his time after school was spent with that kid (actually it was Tao who said that as the younger usually caught sight of Luhan in Sehun’s flat, and sometimes them holding hands while leaving the building.) The brunette also slept in his old apartment with Minseok instead of at his place. Something was definitely wrong there, but Wufan just couldn’t figure out why.
“Are you ignoring me?”
Wufan asked him few days later in the library. They were standing between biology sections, the same place where they first had a proper talk.
“No, I’m not. What makes you think so?”
Luhan looked up to stare at Wufan, eyes all calm and indifferent.
“Look, I’m totally fine with you taking over my work at the hospital. Are you seriously thinking I’m that petty? It could hurt my pride, sure, but I’m not jealous.”
“You know clearly what I’m talking about.”
That time both boys sank in awkward silence. Luhan stared down at the book in his hand, all of a sudden had an unusual interest with its dull cover. What the other was trying to say, it wasn’t that he didn’t understand. But he couldn’t give Wufan the answer he wanted. What could he say? That he got confused with his life, that his mind was a mess already, that Wufan should stop being around him because it made his heart ache, but at the same time filled up with many beautiful feelings he had long forgotten? It didn’t do any good for anyone, Luhan knew it. Tangling himself in those kind of mess, the mess of relationship, was the last thing the brunette could expect at that time. He couldn’t, shouldn’t, and had no right to have a thing for Wufan. It would be unfair to both of them, not to mention Sehun. He had been unfair enough to Sehun and the kid didn’t need more scar in his soul.
But what was going to happen in the future would still hurt him anyway.
What should Luhan do?
“I don’t know what you’re aiming to Wufan.”
Luhan mumbled quietly.
“Luhan, if you’re ignoring me because of what I had told you that night when we went home, I’m sorry, okay?”
He was sorry?
Luhan’s heart wrenched painfully and the boy blinked his eyes twice, trying to erase the stinging sensation there. So he didn’t mean what he had said, right? Words were only words anyway. What Wufan had said that night was out of Luhan’s expectation and he also once wished the blonde hadn’t said it out loud, as it hurt him and messed up his all mind, which was prepared carefully for what had been planned long ago. But he had never expected Wufan to say sorry.
It just hurt him even more.
“I promise you I will never trying to get in between your relationship with Sehun, I respect both of you so don’t be worried.”
“I know you’re not that kind of person.”
The brunette inhaled sharply as he said so while making his way out of the library. It was so suffocating there, to the point Luhan’s afraid that he might pass out anytime soon due to lack of oxygen. His stomach started hurting, Luhan felt like his legs were trembling then.
“Luhan ah, are you okay?”
Wufan chased after him, voice laced with concern. He tried to wipe away the sweat on his forehead but Luhan had pushed his hand away. Somehow anger was stirred in him and the boy said, didn’t expect that his voice could sound that high and annoyed:
“Please, stop acting like you actually care.”
“What?”
“You have never meant what you said so what’s the point of acting like this? It annoys me you know?”
Pain swept over him and Luhan had to cling to the wall nearby for support. His face must turn very pale because Wufan standing there was looking deeply worried at him.
“You’re not okay Luhan.”
“I SAID I’M FINE.”
That time Luhan yelled at him instead. The act shocked both of them but mostly to Wufan. Hurt flashed through his face and all of a sudden the brunette felt so regretful. He had never intended to yell at him or say something cruel, Luhan just didn’t want Wufan to see him in such a state, looking all vulnerable and hurt. The problem wasn’t his pride anymore, but because he was scared that all the caring action Wufan gave could push him deeper and deeper into the web of a certain feeling Luhan didn’t have a right to harbor anymore.
Wufan didn’t say anything; instead he took Luhan’s wrist in his hand and started walking. The brunette tried to break the hold, but the stern look on Wufan’s face as he turned around, plus the pain in his stomach didn’t let him do so. Luhan didn’t have another choice except following the other obediently, biting back the awful pain creeping up over his stomach.
The college infirmary was deserted when they came, probably because everyone had gone out for lunch already. The sight of an angry Wufan scared Luhan and the brunette actually think he shouldn’t talk anymore for the sake of his life. But still, the boy asked with timid voice:
“Can you get me some water?”
Wufan released Luhan’s wrist to find him water. The brunette felt a bit lost and unsteady at the sudden lack of their skin contact, as the grip was so painful, but at the same time felt so warm. Wufan’s grip was the only thing supporting Luhan all the way, but as soon as it disappeared the boy had to cling to the bed sheet nearby in order to stand properly. It hurt a lot, but he couldn’t show it to anyone especially Wufan.
After taking the painkillers he always carried around with the water Wufan brought back, slowly the pain started wearing off. Luhan, still in a daze aftermath, didn’t know how and when, but eventually Wufan had found a way to have him sit down on a bed nearby. He eyed suspiciously at the pills in Luhan’s wallet and the brunette had to hide them quickly, feigning innocent as much as he could.
“I’m on medication due to some minor stomach troubles.”
It didn’t seem like Wufan actually bought what Luhan explained, but he said nothing at all. The blonde’s eyes trailed to Luhan’s wrist he had held before, seeing trace of his own fingers still printed clearly on the porcelain skin, leaving behind red marks. He must have pulled him really hard. The boy couldn’t help the sigh escape from his lips as he took Luhan’s wrist in his hands, stroking it soothingly like he wanted to wipe away all the trace of his strong grip.
“A doctor needs to be healthy.”
Wufan muttered under his breath, but still loudly enough for Luhan to hear.
“I know.”
“Sorry Xiao Lu.”
“For someone always acting cool like you, saying sorry too much seems to be out of character huh?”
“Comparing to your coldness, I don’t think mine is considerable.”
Luhan knew it was an accusation, but instead of finding something to snap back, the boy kept silent. He did nothing except watching Wufan draw circles on the skin of his wrist by fingertips, the silence they sunk in that time wasn’t awkward anymore but more comfortable and soothing, and for some mere seconds Luhan had wished they could stay still, in that situation, forever.
“Luhan ah, remember this, I may feel sorry because what I said confused you, but I’m not taking back what I have promised, ‘kay? Whatever happens, even when you try to chase me away, I will still stand behind you.”
The sound of Wufan quiet voice made its way into Luhan’s heart. Couldn’t stand it anymore looking at the other, Luhan turned his head to stare outside the window. Warm sunshine of late May was radiated through the air, the brunette heard sounds of laughter echoing faintly from the grand yard.
Though hating to admit it, but Luhan knew for sure that in the future there wasn’t only Sehun but also Wufan getting hurt because of him.
***
The May came to an end meant going out and having fun, at least to a hyperactive first year like Kim Jongin. But to both senior and fourth year student, the nightmare of being failed in final term exam was still hanging over them and there was no way to get out except trying to squeeze as much as possible all text books into their tiny heads. That reasoned why Minseok hardly ate dinner at the café recently, having claimed a temporary spot in library. Joonmyeon was also there, the head boy only wanted to make sure that no one would beat him to his first place in third year. Luhan and Wufan sometimes joined the two, but usually they just borrowed reference books and studied in their flat (Wufan wanted to call it like that, though it’s only him who was the permanent resident there). Two boys sat around kitchen table studying, or sometimes Luhan suggested moving to the carpet floor in living room. In the second case, books would be scattered messily on the floor and it was Luhan who always fell asleep first. Wufan could just move the shorter into his bedroom, but after contemplating for a while, he decided to rest Luhan’s head on his laps comfortably (though his legs surely would go numb, but who cared?)
The blonde noticed his friend seemed to be a bit more tired than usual, all pale skin and skinny wrists. Lately Luhan sometimes even perspired cold sweats at nights, and all Wufan could do was using tissues wiping them away as gently as he could, being afraid of waking the other up. But turned out, the brunette was quite a heavy sleeper, just like Wufan. The taller boy couldn’t help but chuckle at the comparison, and without thinking he had leaned over to place a small kiss on Luhan’s forehead. His callous fingers lingered, before resting them on Luhan’s soft ones. Wufan frowned a bit at a scar on Luhan’s back hand as memories from the past stirred in mind, but soon smiled faintly at the thought of Luhan’s innocent sleeping face as he went back to read the anatomy book in his left hand.
One afternoon, Jongin literally dragged Minseok from the library while calling others to come over the soccer pitch in campus. Sehun wasn’t there, Wufan heard Chanyeol say something like Luhan had threatened the younger to stay at home and study; the droopy-eyed boy was about to take entrance exam next year. Jongin of course wasn’t fond of the fact at all, but it was Luhan who decided so the younger could only shut up and no more protest. Joonmyeon looked dead tired than the last time the blonde saw him, which was almost a week ago. Chanyeol and Baekhyun were still like usual, laughing here and there, and then having a jokey fight. Wufan had no idea where their energy came from.
Joonmyeon looked at Jongin like the younger just grew another head as he heard him whine about them playing soccer together and Wufan could totally understand what the third year was thinking. Who wanted to play soccer on a pitch under the heat of May, seriously? The freshman looked like he could literally cling to Luhan’s leg at any time, and the older had no other choice but agree with him after fifteen minutes. Baekhyun looked hesitant a bit, staring down at the white shirt he was wearing and all of a sudden Chanyeol pushed him over the ground. The short boy gave out a not-so-manly yelp and chased his boyfriend around the area.
There were seven players, but Wufan normally didn’t like soccer at all so the other six split into two groups easily. Minseok tried to get the deer in his team. Anyway, Jongin was quicker as he pushed Chanyeol stumble to the other side. Baozi of course wasn’t happy at all till Baekhyun joined him, the sophomore might hate exercise but he was pretty quick. That made Joonmyeon in the same side with Jongin and Luhan.
Wufan watched from a random audience row as the six boys play on court. The feeling many years ago in the past came back, that time stronger than ever as he stared at Luhan run around kicking soccer ball. Whenever the brunette was allowed to play football with kids in his age back in China, he would hide Kris in his backpack, only let it unzipped a bit so his little friend might watch him play. It felt like many, many, many years ago already… The blonde felt like Luhan and Minseok might have played with each other many times before, as the little deer seemed to know much about how the other would play, where he would strike or defend. Luhan didn’t run fast, he seemed a bit exhausted but he knew his rival well. Plus with Jongin’s quick reaction and the brain of an organizer from Joonmyeon, they made a good team. Their only audience couldn’t help his grins, sometimes even laughs, all the time as he watched Minseok rub hair in frustration while Baekhyun and Chanyeol almost tripped over each other.
Or maybe, well, Wufan wasn’t the only audience at all. He thought while turning around to find another student, about first year or sophomore, sitting in two rows behind. Jongin was probably trying to impress someone, Wufan stiffened his laugh as he saw that wide-eyed kid watch their Kamjong in awe whenever he scored a goal.
They played the first mini match till Luhan quickly excused himself while making way toward the restroom. His face looked pale all of a sudden, Wufan sensed something wrong as he watched his friend disappear and was about to follow, but Jongin had thrown a tantrum and pulled him to join. Having never played soccer before, the blonde surely didn’t know how to play; his long legs were pretty useless there. Chanyeol laughed every time he tripped, but immediately shut up as the older threw a warning glare. Kamjong seemed to be embarrassed as he hadn’t goaled since the second math started. They played till late afternoon, all out of breath with Minseok’s team won over. Lying on the ground breathlessly, Wufan noticed Luhan had just come back to the court after almost two hours, sitting right beside the wide-eyed student. Their eyes met and the brunette stiffened a laugh, which made him embarrassed to death.
Jongin had made Wufan and Luhan as their new targets. There was an indoor swimming pool nearby, the blonde didn’t know when but somehow Chanyeol had tackled him on the ground and all of a sudden he was thrown into the water, and he was more than sure that there weren’t only Jongin and his older fellow, but also Minseok’s team. The boy let out a manly (he thought) shrike while trying to not be drown in the pool.
“What’s that for?”
He said, trying to sound at least angry. Wufan must look funny enough as his friends only laughed in response. He heard a yelp and then water splashed everywhere. Baekhyun’s laughter rang loudly than ever and Wufan saw next to him, also being drowned in the pool, was no other than Luhan.
“That’s what you get for sucking at football. And Luhan huyng, why did you leave us like that?”
Jongin yelled while Baekhyun stuck his tongue out as usual. Joonmyeon grinned widely while stretching his hand out for Luhan as an attempt to help, having no idea that himself might be the second victim till he was pulled into the water by a certain brunette. The third was Baozi as he was leaned on the head boy and didn’t notice at all the danger coming from an innocent deer.
“You are all clumsy old men.”
Jongin laughed like a maniac and Wufan caught his leg. That time it was ChanBaek’s turn to laugh at the younger’s hilarious face, but they all soon cried in despair as Jongin tried to push them over.
Wufan’s glad he still had some clothes to change as he stood in the changing room with others. As soon as he was about to take off his shirt, an alarm rang in mind and the blonde stood awkwardly in front of his locker, new shirt in hand. He darted his eyes around, everyone was almost done changing already. Luhan was having his back against him, but it was better as the blonde didn’t think it would be a good idea if he saw the bare torso of his flat mate. The deer had done for a while and was making his way out with Minseok, bag hanging loosely on shoulder.
“Hyung, why don’t you change?”
Chanyeol asked out of the blue. Wufan’s snapped back to the reality, noticing four pairs of eyes looking over him in pure curiosity.
“I’m a bit taken away, that’s all. You guys go out first and wait for me a bit, okay?”
“Hyung, don’t tell me that you’re embarrassed of changing in front of us.”
Jongin teased. Wufan only threw at him a warning glare, but it didn’t dampen the younger boy at all.
“Take your time hyung, we can wait at the grand entrance.”
As Joonmyeon stated, gradually they all left the changing room till there was only Wufan left behind. The blonde took a deep breath as he threw himself on a bench, before with a swift movement removing the upper garment covering his torso. Late afternoon sunbeam flowed into the small space in a lazy manner, bathing the boy in a sickeningly fade light and he watched the sign once sewn on his right arm, which read Luhan.
When the brunette was still small, others were always teasing him by taking Kris away, to the point Luhan got really angry and pleaded his mother to sew his name on the doll so no one would touch it. Of course, it didn’t prevent the kids at all, but sometimes it was convenient as one tried to steal Kris away but the right owner had proof showing that the doll was really his.
Wufan touched the sign lightly. As he became a human, the name wasn’t sewn by needle anymore, it looked rather like a tattoo. A permanent, obvious tattoo that Wufan could, and would never try to erase. His fingers trailed to other stitches across his stomach and shoulder blade. When Luhan was fourteen, his stepbrother threw Kris to a fierce dog living in their neighborhood. That time although being scared to death, Luhan still fought with the dog for his toy. Of course, both Kris and Luhan had many injuries; the scar on the brunette’s back hand was only one of them. Luhan was scratched by that creature badly, blood couldn’t stop flowing but he still kept Kris close to his chest till his father came. The boy was scolded and grounded for weeks, but he didn’t cry at all. He only cried later that night while mending Kris in his room, alone.
The blonde was contemplating whether showing them, especially the tattoo, to Luhan or not, as it might freak the other out. What if he thought Wufan was an obsessive? But it was the only way he could persuade his friend. Plus, wasn’t it that Wufan looked exactly like Kris? It might make some senses…
His train of thought was interrupted again, that time was by a creak from the door. Wufan’s guts twitched lightly as he realized the others didn’t close the door before they left. He put on his new shirt and looked around again to make sure things were fine, relaxing a bit as he recalled hearing nothing else before that.
Or to be detailed, he was too caught up in the memories to notice anything.
When Wufan reached their destination, Luhan was nowhere to be seen.
“Where’s Luhan?”
The blonde whispered to Joonmyeon while they making their way to the café. The third year shrugged nonchalantly:
“He said he forgot his textbook so he needed to find it at the court, and then later calling us said that there’re some problems and he needed to see Sehun.”
“What problems?”
“I don’t know. But his voice sounded shocked.”
Does Jongin know? Wufan wondered, but the clueless expression that certain tanned-skin boy was having told him that he also had no idea about those things. Something uncomfortable stirred deep in Wufan’s guts and he tried to swallow them down.
That night Wufan dreamt about the day he was thrown away. Luhan had placed him neatly on his bed and gone out for a while, before a shadow came over and took him away. A bark of cruel laughs echoed in his mind as Luhan’s stepbrother threw him into the trash bin.
“It must be funny seeing that faggot crying over you.”
He heard. Wufan wanted to scream out for help, wanted to escape from that disgusting pair of hands, but nothing came out from his mouth and all his limbs went numb. Wufan felt like crying, but he had never cried and could never cry, because dolls didn’t have hearts. He watched in despair as darkness enveloped his cloth body, and he continued falling, falling deeply into that abyss, no way to escape. Nothing caught him anymore. Even Luhan that time couldn’t help him anymore…
Something cold held Wufan’s hand and the blonde woke up with a jerk, only to find Luhan standing next to the couch where he was lying, clothes all wet. Thunders crashed and it was pouring with rain, but Luhan’s hand which was holding Wufan’s were trembling more than ever. The blonde took a glance at the clock hanging on the wall.
It was 2AM already.
“Why did you come home that late Luhan? Have we talked before that you have to call me if you go home late? And I told you already to bring along an umbrella.”
Wufan’s really upset that time, but all his emotion died down little by little as Luhan only stared at him intensely with glassy eyes. The brunette looked like he could cry at any moment, and for some seconds all Wufan’s angriness were replaced with worries. All he wanted to do was actually reach out to wipe away Luhan’s tears. They stayed the same in silence for like a decade, before the shorter boy breathed out
“Wufan, can I hug you?”
Wufan almost froze at the sudden words. He bit his bottom lip lightly but eventually nodded his head.
Luhan squeezed him in a tight hug while hiding his face at the crook of Wufan’s neck. The boy sobbed, hot tears slipping from his doe eyes and wetted the blonde’s shoulder. His whole body trembled violently, it made Wufan feel like a wave of overwhelming emotions were washing through him and they must be kept down for too long, because there was no way Luhan could cry his eyes out like that if it weren’t over something he had to suffer long ago.
“Xiao Lu, what’s wrong? Tell me.”
But Luhan only shook his head in reply, tears still rolled down his cheeks.
Later Luhan fell asleep next to Wufan on the couch. Their bodies pressed warmly together and the brunette held his friend tight.
>>
Pairing: Kris/Luhan, Sehun/Luhan.
Rating: R
Warning: mention of committing suicide and depressing theme
Summary: In fairy tale, the little mermaid died so her prince could live. But in the story of my own life, my prince even died before I could decide whether to kill him or not.
WC: 25,170 (for part II)
Editor: jang hanbyul @ tumblr - http://jang-hanbyul.tumblr.com/
Tao’s Korean was literally, painfully, utterly awful. Wufan wondered how that QingDao citizen could become an exchange student, his Korean was even worse than Wufan’s.
“No, it’s not 여 자. It’s 여 짜”
Wufan said patiently, pointing at Tao’s jotter. The younger boy only pouted in reply while using his pen to cross out the wrong word.
“I have no idea why Lulu gege could leave me with someone like you.”
“And I also have no idea why he forced me to teach a kid like you.”
The blonde retorted, feeling slightly a bit regretted as he had just remembered that Tao was a Wushu master. The dark haired boy’s not a master in Korean, sure, but he could knock a gang off with his Wushu stick. Wufan couldn’t help but shudder at the thought. He turned his head to take a few glances at the crowded street displayed behind glass. The air conditioners inside the café were working at full blast, yet they couldn’t knock back the heat of May. And it wasn’t even June or July yet. How could people survive from the heat then???
“Hey, aren’t they Luhan and Sehun?”
Zitao asked out of the blue, which made Wufan almost drop his cup of coffee. Following Tao’s direction, the taller stared outside, only to find two familiar figures walking casually down the street, hand in hand. Sehun was brushing bangs from Luhan’s eyes and the brunette smiled lightly at the act. Wufan couldn’t help but feel churned up at the sight, all insecure feelings in that certain April night came back again and right then they were more than vivid, which hit him hard on his face. Somehow the blonde felt glad that he was sitting, or else he didn’t think he could stand still.
Breathe in, Wufan ah. Breathe.In.
“You also know Sehun?”
Wufan asked after a while. Somehow Tao had become surprisingly meek like a kitten, silently doing his Korean homework without giving any remark toward his tutor.
“Well, technically he’s my neighbor.”
The dark haired boy shrugged nonchalantly. Wufan could only nod in reply. His head was so blank at the moment to find a thing to say.
“Gege, why don’t you go and take him back from Sehun?”
Zitao’s clear words sunk into silence, and just like a sharp blade, it ripped right through Wufan. The taller boy looked startled as he shifted his gaze toward the boy sitting opposite him. All childishess had vanished into the thin air, in front of Wufan was a new Hwang Zitao with only sincerity shining in his eyes.
“You like him, right? You look serious enough to say that.”
“Well, I-I-”
Wufan stuttered for the first time, and it wasn’t Luhan but a kid pushing him in such a state.
Love?
The taller didn’t know at all. He knew for sure that all his life was dedicate to Luhan, he was born as the brunette’s doll and the mission for the rest of his life was staying by his side. Even when he met Yixing and was turned into human, Wufan also didn’t think much about what would happen next. He simply thought he wanted to become a boy, a real boy, so he could go find Luhan himself and keep the promise they had made years ago when they were still young. The blonde had never expected things could be that complicated, with the appearance of a certain Oh Sehun and a kind of things called “feelings”.
Kris was Luhan’s doll, and Wufan was at the moment Luhan’s friend. Though Wufan and Kris was the same person with the same intention, but the situation had changed a lot. Being a human let Wufan learn many new things, the boy realized he had developed something inside him only for Luhan. He smiled if the other smiled, he worried if the other skipped meals, he would wait if the other still wasn’t at home… Friends also did those things for each other, but the sensation Wufan had every time was different than what he had when he was a doll. Wufan had been friend of Luhan for twenty years, he must know what was different from the past to present.
Even when the feeling was still vague, but Wufan believed it was sincere.
“Tao ah, it’s hard to explain.” Wufan said with difficulty after a while. “Luhan is Sehun’s boyfriend and he’s not a thing anyway. I don’t want to take him from anyone. I hope he can take time to choose by himself.”
Wufan almost bit his tongue then. Who was he to talk about taking time? He didn’t even have any time.
“Isn’t it ‘Happiness means fighting’? My dad once told me that.”
“Not all the time Tao. I mean, I respect Luhan’s decision. I hope he’s happy.”
“What if he’s not gege?”
“…”
“It’s too obvious gege, the way he looks at you. He finds you all the time even when a crowd surrounds you. Do you remember the first time we met? Luhan even knew that it was you before you actually appeared. Can you at least face the truth and do something?”
“He just thinks of me as a friend.”
Wufan muttered under his breath tiredly. The blonde stared at the spot the couple just stood again. Opposite him Tao could only huffed in frustration.
“Okay, it all depends on you ge. I’m just saying.”
“I will consider carefully. Thanks a lot Taozi.”
All annoying feeling Wufan had for Tao had vanished into the thin air, from when he himself didn’t know. He smiled lightly while ruffling Tao’s hair, the younger boy gave a small yelp as he fixed it but the older knew he wasn’t even mad at all.
“You two should get together, and I will become your son.”
“My what?”
Did Wufan’s ears just play some tricks on him?
“Being in Korea is lonely, and I really like Luhan gege so he will be my mama. But having Oh Thehun as my papa is pretty traumatizing so I prefer you then. Thehun can be my sibling, my younger sister.”
Wufan felt like choking on his own spit at the deadpan expression Tao was wearing.
Did he just start a family tree?
By the way, having Oh Thehun as a daughter was pretty traumatizing to Wufan too, just saying.
***
Working at the same hospital with Luhan helped Wufan know more about the shorter boy, or at least another aspect of him. Luhan could be distant from other doctors and apprentices, but when it came to patients, he was very concern and dedicated. Luhan especially liked children, he could spend time talking or playing with the kids at the clinic when there was no patient to take care of. His eyes always twinkled as he watched his little patients running around or laughing lively.
“You like kids that much, huh?”
Wufan asked one night when they were standing in the hallway of the building, watching other doctor passing by in a hurry to come to their clinics. The blonde put a coin into the vending machine nearby to take a can of soda. As the thing was ejected from the machine, he gave it to Luhan.
“At least they don’t know how to lie. And they can do what they want. Isn’t that great?”
The brunette answered, taking a sip from the drink.
“Do you want to come back to your childhood?”
Luhan only turned to stare at Wufan strangely, then started walking to another direction a little faster, leaving the latter behind. His friend frantically followed him and without thinking of passers-by stares, he pulled Luhan’s arm:
“I’m sorry.”
He breathed out lightly. The little deer tilted his head a little to avoid his gaze, but still, Wufan caught sign of hurt flashed deep in the brown orbs.
Ambulance stretcher rushed through the hospital’s entrance, making a beeline toward the emergency room. Both boys were startled as the alarm rang and without saying a word, they quickly ran toward the stretcher.
“What’s wrong?”
Wufan asked while eyeing the patient. Blood was still oozing out nonstop from the deep cut on her wrist, the blonde could tell due to the dampened clothe tied tight around it. Hyorin frantically answered while pushing the stretcher:
“Committing suicide. We gave her first aid already but she’s lost too much blood. Where’s doctor Luhan? He’s one in charge of the night shift today.”
Luhan?
Wasn’t Luhan following him?
He turned his head back to find the said boy, and was greeted with the sight of him trembling while leaning on the wall behind for support. The boy was paler than usual, his skin looked like it almost translucent, and beads of sweat were perspiring from his forehead, making their ways down the side of his face.
“Luhan?”
Wufan stopped going completely then, he called out worriedly. The boy was about approach his friend but Luhan had stopped him already, hand stretched out to indicate him stay still.
“I-I will go now.”
His voice sounded so weak and trembling. Luhan tried to walk but his legs gave up and the boy fell down on the ground.
“Luhan!”
Wufan rushed toward the Bambi, picking him up in his arms. Luhan’s hand was grasping at his left chest as the boy was gasping for air, his boy jerking painfully as if he were chocked. The blonde could feel accelerated heart rate came from the other.
“Kris… Kris…”
Luhan muttered under his breath, hand reached out to grasp for nothing in the air. Wufan felt like his body became frozen, breath caught in his throat at the sound of Luhan’s voice.
Did he just call “Kris”?
“I’m here, Luhan. I’m here, don’t be scared.”
He assured while taking Luhan’s hand in his, his hold just tightened more.
Shit, why didn’t he realize that sooner? Wufan thought, eyeing Luhan’s trembling body.
Hyorin ran out from the emergency room to find Luhan again. The nurse’s eyes wide opened in shock at the sight of the said doctor lying on the floor, jerking constantly.
“He’s having a panic attack now Hyorin-ssi, he can’t give the treatment. I heard that doctor Siwan’s at room 301.”
“O-okay, I understand.”
As Hyorin ran away and other doctor started rushing to the emergency room, Wufan immediately lifted Luhan up, the shorter boy fearfully grasped a hold of his blouse and buried face into it. The whole tiny frame trembled in Wufan’s arms. He carried the brunette to a bench nearby. Luhan was still breathing harshly, but at least he had stopped jerking his body.
“Inhale, Xiao Lu. Inhale using your stomach.”
It took Luhan few seconds to adjust what his friend just said and as he made it out, the shorter tried to comply with the order though with much difficulty.
“Hold your breath for 2 seconds. Yes, that’s it. Then slowly exhale, over 5 seconds.”
The brunette did the breathing exercise for few more times under the instruction of Wufan, till his breath became normal again. His hands were still shaking though, and sweat was all over his face.
Wufan was about to go and get his friend medication, but a small hand had wrapped around his wrist to prevent the boy from going. He looked down only to meet a pair of wet eyes stare back in pure panic.
“I wanna go home Wufan.”
His voice sounded so broken. Where was the usually indifferent, conceited Luhan? The Luhan in front of him looked so tiny and vulnerable, Wufan felt like something deep inside him just break again. It hurt him even more than the time Luhan said he didn’t remember him, because heck, it was the pain only Wufan had to suffer. Seeing someone you cared about suffer was ten times more hurtful, he dared say.
“Okay, we will go home Lu. We will.”
He said, forcing Luhan to climb on his back. The boy immediately threw away his so-called manly ego as he meekly followed his friend’s order. After asking for permission from the Chief, Wufan took Luhan out of the clinic. Both boys walked in blissful silence as they headed home, Luhan’s still on Wufan’s back.
“Wufan ah.”
Luhan whispered lightly into Wufan’s ear. Warm breath made the blonde shudder lightly, he just hoped the other didn’t notice.
“Um?”
He hummed in reply. Wufan felt Luhan’s nuzzled further into his neck as he spoke again, voice muffled and tiny and it was so hard to hear:
“My parents divorced when I was nine. My mom moved out and my dad remarried only one year later. My mom had left behind the son she always said to love him the most in this world.”
Luhan laughed humorlessly as he said so, but Wufan felt his shoulder got wet as something just dropped on it. And it wasn’t even raining.
“Actually she had had another man already, and to be worse, they even had a son who’s few years younger than me. She’s such a liar, hiding those things away from us for years… Anyway, she moved in with them after the divorce and, well, I was maybe a child at that time, but I knew everything.”
“I understand Luhan.”
“No, don’t talk like that Wufan. You don’t know.”
No, I know Luhan. I know how depressed you had been those old days. Wufan hadn’t thought the wound in the past could leave such a deep scar in Luhan’s heart like that. He still remembered the nights when Luhan’s parents had arguments. The brunette only nuzzled further into his blanket as he’s crying while holding Kris tight for dear life. In the day they left to the court, Luhan broke everything in his room, then pulled Kris to run away. He ran, ran, ran, and then hid in an old theater crying his eyes out. When the night fell, Luhan finally backed home only to find his single father in the living room. All of his mother’s belongings had gone. She’d stepped out of his life and left him like that.
“I always bore a hatred for her. How could she leave me like that? She always knows my dad doesn’t like me at all. I’m too weak to be a boy in his eyes. I heard that she went to Korea with her new family. And I thought: “Screw her. Hope that her family would break then.” I really wished that. I had wished she couldn’t have a better life after leaving me.”
“…”
“I was sent to Korea when I was sixteen. Do you know why? My stepmother doesn’t love me at all, and neither does her son. So they sent me away out of their sight. It’s fine, I thought. It’s better, I don’t like them anyway. After I came here one year, one day my mother appeared at my doorstep.”
Wufan’s hold on Luhan’s legs got tightened as he heard the smaller boy ramble. He bit his low lip so hard that it might bleed at any time, but the boy couldn’t care less. He just hoped all Luhan’s sorrow could be passed on to him, so he was the one to get hurt, not the tiny brunette on his back at the moment. Luhan’s really light, too light to be a real person, but at the same time he was so heavy too, with all the sadness he was carrying.
“She looked so pathetic, so sad and depressed. I thought I was supposed to laugh at her, like I usually imagined when I was younger, for being in such a state. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t force out a laugh, but instead I got angry. I thought: what’s wrong with her? She was supposed to live happily ever after. What I saw wasn’t the reality I wanted at all. So I yelled at her and even chased my own mom out of my dorm.”
Luhan’s head leaned on Wufan’s shoulder as he continued talking, that time tears fell from his beautiful eyes, rolling down his cheeks to his neck, but the boy wasn’t bothered to wipe them away anymore. He was too tired already.
“Months later she died, committing suicide. She cut her wrist like the patient just coming to the hospital. I was the one who discovered her body, the image still obsesses me and everytime I see something like that, I’m out of control.”
All of a sudden Wufan stopped walking. He looked stiffened under the streetlight, which scared Luhan lightly. Did he just talk about something annoyed him?
“Climb down Luhan.”
The hands holding Luhan’s legs were removed and the smaller boy had no other choice but to comply what the other said. Luhan stood in confusion behind Wufan till his friend turned around. He stared down at the brunette and wiped away all the tears on the small face with his warm, large palm. Only at that moment did Luhan realize Wufan’s eyes also looked really sad. His usually strong gaze was dripping with sorrow, and for some unknown reason Luhan felt like Wufan really did feel that. He was also feeling what Luhan had felt, had experienced, and he was trying to understand them with all his heart. There was always some sort of unspoken connection between them, they could understand what the other was feeling through eyes and the sensation alone had warmed up Luhan’s heart already.
Wufan’s hands made their way to Luhan’s shoulders. They lingered there for some seconds before firmly wrapped a hold tight.
“Just turn around and you will find me right behind, so don't be scared, okay?”
And to Luhan’s surprise, Wufan pulled him into a hug. Their first hug, to be more detailed.
“It will be fine, Lu ah. It will. So please believe me.”
His deep voice whispered to Luhan. Somehow the shorter felt like his eyes stung again.
Wufan ah, what should I do now? Why do you suddenly make things so hard like this?
With a messed up mind, Luhan also held Wufan back, two thin arms wrapped around broad shoulders. He couldn’t help but let his tears fall, again.
That night Wufan couldn’t sleep, not because of only Luhan’s depressing story but also the fact that the brunette had called Kris while having panic attack. The blonde needed to admit that he was very startled after hearing it, to the point that he actually felt shocked. And Luhan even once declined having any precious thing during his childhood. So what was the answer for his act that night then? Wufan didn’t think Luhan knew another Kris in his life, and it surely wasn’t a name appearing out of the blue in Luhan’s mind. He could have said his mother’s name, but why did he call Kris? Somehow Wufan had a feeling that Luhan was hiding something there. And maybe, he still had a chance?
The blonde immediately sat up on his bed as the thought was absorbed into his brain, and for the first time in two months Wufan could feel his body tingling again with the excitement he had lost already. Yes, that’s it, what if Luhan still remembered Kris but only trying to act cool? What if Kris was a sensitive topic to him that he didn’t want to touch it again? In any of those cases, Wufan thought he still really had a chance there.
Feeling a thirst burning his throat little by little, Wufan stood up and opened his door to have some water. He noticed light in the kitchen was still on.
“Luhan?”
He asked, making a beeline to the direction. Luhan was standing with hand grasped onto the table, dark circles under his eyes and beads of sweat were perspiring from forehead.
“What’s wrong Lu?”
Wufan placed his hand gently on Luhan’s shoulder, but never expected it to be pushed away. Seeing the dumbfounded, yet hurtful expression on Wufan’s face, the brunette could only sigh as he managed an excuse:
“Bad night; I just had a terrible headache. There’s nothing to be worried about.”
Painkilling drug soon took effect and Luhan could relax a little. The blonde was still wearing that worried expression so he gave him a smile as a little assurance. His friend only smiled tightly back, taking a big gulp of water from the mug he was holding.
“Do you want to eat ramen?”
Wufan asked out of the blue. Luhan still felt his stomach stir in pain a little but still, nodding his head in reply.
The blonde only made a bowl of ramen, knowing how little of food Luhan could actually eat in a meal. The said boy could eat like a bird, but he would never hesitate to try a new dish. He liked tasting food, to be exact. As he had expected, Luhan only had two gulps of Ramen before sliding the bowl back to Wufan. Like a wordless agreement, Wufan took it and continued eating the remaining.
“Xiao Lu.”
He called, trying to sound less anticipating by stuffing more noodles into his mouth.
“Swallow first Wufan. This is so not-you.”
Luhan made a face, pointing at the soup at the corner of Wufan’s mouth which made him feel very, very, very embarrassed.
“When you were having panic attack, I heard you say ‘Kris’. So, who’s Kris?”
The brunette stiffened up at the mention of Kris’s name. His eyes shifted to his hands placing neatly on laps, refusing to look straight into Wufan’s.
“It’s nothing Wufan. You don’t have to know.”
There, there, he was being stubborn again. Wufan frowned slightly, but still trying:
“Is he your ex before Sehun?”
“No, thanks for your imagination but he isn’t.”
“So who’s he?” Wufan paused briefly, squeezing his brain to remember something: “The first time we met, you said I looked familiar. Was that mean I look like him?”
“Aish, why are you all of a sudden this annoying?”
Luhan muttered under his breath while shooting the other a dirty look. He stood up abruptly and stomped to his own room, closing the door a bit harder than usual. Wufan bewilderedly looked at his direction, and then at the Ramen bowl in front of him.
It would take a lot of time then, the blonde couldn’t help but sigh.
***
News about Luhan’s panic attack spread like wildfire from the hospital to the Medicine department of Yonsei University. After all it wasn’t that only Luhan and Wufan practicing there. It was surely a hot topic, students around gossiped about the news as if it were such a fine meat and Wufan couldn’t even blame them. About Luhan, as a result of “not having recovered yet from the panic disorder”, plus “lacking of professionalism”, his work was handed over to Wufan and he was told to “wait till you gain back your balance and our hospital will welcome you again”.
“They treated you like that just because you’re a student!”
Baekhyun commented with angry tone. Luhan shrugged nonchalantly:
“It’s my fault anyway. If other doctors weren’t around, that patient could have died because of me.”
“Have you felt any better?”
From the couch Joonmyeon asked, his voice laced with sincere concern and the brunette only nodded his head lightly. He leaned a bit on Sehun and the kid was more than happy to be his shoulder. Sehun’s one hand came in contact with Luhan’s back and stroked it in a soothing manner, he whispered into his boyfriend’s ear something and the brunette only hummed along. Wufan couldn’t help but notice that lately his friend had been attached to Sehun too often and neglected him. Being free from all works at hospital gave Luhan’s a little time for himself, and the blonde felt like all his time after school was spent with that kid (actually it was Tao who said that as the younger usually caught sight of Luhan in Sehun’s flat, and sometimes them holding hands while leaving the building.) The brunette also slept in his old apartment with Minseok instead of at his place. Something was definitely wrong there, but Wufan just couldn’t figure out why.
“Are you ignoring me?”
Wufan asked him few days later in the library. They were standing between biology sections, the same place where they first had a proper talk.
“No, I’m not. What makes you think so?”
Luhan looked up to stare at Wufan, eyes all calm and indifferent.
“Look, I’m totally fine with you taking over my work at the hospital. Are you seriously thinking I’m that petty? It could hurt my pride, sure, but I’m not jealous.”
“You know clearly what I’m talking about.”
That time both boys sank in awkward silence. Luhan stared down at the book in his hand, all of a sudden had an unusual interest with its dull cover. What the other was trying to say, it wasn’t that he didn’t understand. But he couldn’t give Wufan the answer he wanted. What could he say? That he got confused with his life, that his mind was a mess already, that Wufan should stop being around him because it made his heart ache, but at the same time filled up with many beautiful feelings he had long forgotten? It didn’t do any good for anyone, Luhan knew it. Tangling himself in those kind of mess, the mess of relationship, was the last thing the brunette could expect at that time. He couldn’t, shouldn’t, and had no right to have a thing for Wufan. It would be unfair to both of them, not to mention Sehun. He had been unfair enough to Sehun and the kid didn’t need more scar in his soul.
But what was going to happen in the future would still hurt him anyway.
What should Luhan do?
“I don’t know what you’re aiming to Wufan.”
Luhan mumbled quietly.
“Luhan, if you’re ignoring me because of what I had told you that night when we went home, I’m sorry, okay?”
He was sorry?
Luhan’s heart wrenched painfully and the boy blinked his eyes twice, trying to erase the stinging sensation there. So he didn’t mean what he had said, right? Words were only words anyway. What Wufan had said that night was out of Luhan’s expectation and he also once wished the blonde hadn’t said it out loud, as it hurt him and messed up his all mind, which was prepared carefully for what had been planned long ago. But he had never expected Wufan to say sorry.
It just hurt him even more.
“I promise you I will never trying to get in between your relationship with Sehun, I respect both of you so don’t be worried.”
“I know you’re not that kind of person.”
The brunette inhaled sharply as he said so while making his way out of the library. It was so suffocating there, to the point Luhan’s afraid that he might pass out anytime soon due to lack of oxygen. His stomach started hurting, Luhan felt like his legs were trembling then.
“Luhan ah, are you okay?”
Wufan chased after him, voice laced with concern. He tried to wipe away the sweat on his forehead but Luhan had pushed his hand away. Somehow anger was stirred in him and the boy said, didn’t expect that his voice could sound that high and annoyed:
“Please, stop acting like you actually care.”
“What?”
“You have never meant what you said so what’s the point of acting like this? It annoys me you know?”
Pain swept over him and Luhan had to cling to the wall nearby for support. His face must turn very pale because Wufan standing there was looking deeply worried at him.
“You’re not okay Luhan.”
“I SAID I’M FINE.”
That time Luhan yelled at him instead. The act shocked both of them but mostly to Wufan. Hurt flashed through his face and all of a sudden the brunette felt so regretful. He had never intended to yell at him or say something cruel, Luhan just didn’t want Wufan to see him in such a state, looking all vulnerable and hurt. The problem wasn’t his pride anymore, but because he was scared that all the caring action Wufan gave could push him deeper and deeper into the web of a certain feeling Luhan didn’t have a right to harbor anymore.
Wufan didn’t say anything; instead he took Luhan’s wrist in his hand and started walking. The brunette tried to break the hold, but the stern look on Wufan’s face as he turned around, plus the pain in his stomach didn’t let him do so. Luhan didn’t have another choice except following the other obediently, biting back the awful pain creeping up over his stomach.
The college infirmary was deserted when they came, probably because everyone had gone out for lunch already. The sight of an angry Wufan scared Luhan and the brunette actually think he shouldn’t talk anymore for the sake of his life. But still, the boy asked with timid voice:
“Can you get me some water?”
Wufan released Luhan’s wrist to find him water. The brunette felt a bit lost and unsteady at the sudden lack of their skin contact, as the grip was so painful, but at the same time felt so warm. Wufan’s grip was the only thing supporting Luhan all the way, but as soon as it disappeared the boy had to cling to the bed sheet nearby in order to stand properly. It hurt a lot, but he couldn’t show it to anyone especially Wufan.
After taking the painkillers he always carried around with the water Wufan brought back, slowly the pain started wearing off. Luhan, still in a daze aftermath, didn’t know how and when, but eventually Wufan had found a way to have him sit down on a bed nearby. He eyed suspiciously at the pills in Luhan’s wallet and the brunette had to hide them quickly, feigning innocent as much as he could.
“I’m on medication due to some minor stomach troubles.”
It didn’t seem like Wufan actually bought what Luhan explained, but he said nothing at all. The blonde’s eyes trailed to Luhan’s wrist he had held before, seeing trace of his own fingers still printed clearly on the porcelain skin, leaving behind red marks. He must have pulled him really hard. The boy couldn’t help the sigh escape from his lips as he took Luhan’s wrist in his hands, stroking it soothingly like he wanted to wipe away all the trace of his strong grip.
“A doctor needs to be healthy.”
Wufan muttered under his breath, but still loudly enough for Luhan to hear.
“I know.”
“Sorry Xiao Lu.”
“For someone always acting cool like you, saying sorry too much seems to be out of character huh?”
“Comparing to your coldness, I don’t think mine is considerable.”
Luhan knew it was an accusation, but instead of finding something to snap back, the boy kept silent. He did nothing except watching Wufan draw circles on the skin of his wrist by fingertips, the silence they sunk in that time wasn’t awkward anymore but more comfortable and soothing, and for some mere seconds Luhan had wished they could stay still, in that situation, forever.
“Luhan ah, remember this, I may feel sorry because what I said confused you, but I’m not taking back what I have promised, ‘kay? Whatever happens, even when you try to chase me away, I will still stand behind you.”
The sound of Wufan quiet voice made its way into Luhan’s heart. Couldn’t stand it anymore looking at the other, Luhan turned his head to stare outside the window. Warm sunshine of late May was radiated through the air, the brunette heard sounds of laughter echoing faintly from the grand yard.
Though hating to admit it, but Luhan knew for sure that in the future there wasn’t only Sehun but also Wufan getting hurt because of him.
***
The May came to an end meant going out and having fun, at least to a hyperactive first year like Kim Jongin. But to both senior and fourth year student, the nightmare of being failed in final term exam was still hanging over them and there was no way to get out except trying to squeeze as much as possible all text books into their tiny heads. That reasoned why Minseok hardly ate dinner at the café recently, having claimed a temporary spot in library. Joonmyeon was also there, the head boy only wanted to make sure that no one would beat him to his first place in third year. Luhan and Wufan sometimes joined the two, but usually they just borrowed reference books and studied in their flat (Wufan wanted to call it like that, though it’s only him who was the permanent resident there). Two boys sat around kitchen table studying, or sometimes Luhan suggested moving to the carpet floor in living room. In the second case, books would be scattered messily on the floor and it was Luhan who always fell asleep first. Wufan could just move the shorter into his bedroom, but after contemplating for a while, he decided to rest Luhan’s head on his laps comfortably (though his legs surely would go numb, but who cared?)
The blonde noticed his friend seemed to be a bit more tired than usual, all pale skin and skinny wrists. Lately Luhan sometimes even perspired cold sweats at nights, and all Wufan could do was using tissues wiping them away as gently as he could, being afraid of waking the other up. But turned out, the brunette was quite a heavy sleeper, just like Wufan. The taller boy couldn’t help but chuckle at the comparison, and without thinking he had leaned over to place a small kiss on Luhan’s forehead. His callous fingers lingered, before resting them on Luhan’s soft ones. Wufan frowned a bit at a scar on Luhan’s back hand as memories from the past stirred in mind, but soon smiled faintly at the thought of Luhan’s innocent sleeping face as he went back to read the anatomy book in his left hand.
One afternoon, Jongin literally dragged Minseok from the library while calling others to come over the soccer pitch in campus. Sehun wasn’t there, Wufan heard Chanyeol say something like Luhan had threatened the younger to stay at home and study; the droopy-eyed boy was about to take entrance exam next year. Jongin of course wasn’t fond of the fact at all, but it was Luhan who decided so the younger could only shut up and no more protest. Joonmyeon looked dead tired than the last time the blonde saw him, which was almost a week ago. Chanyeol and Baekhyun were still like usual, laughing here and there, and then having a jokey fight. Wufan had no idea where their energy came from.
Joonmyeon looked at Jongin like the younger just grew another head as he heard him whine about them playing soccer together and Wufan could totally understand what the third year was thinking. Who wanted to play soccer on a pitch under the heat of May, seriously? The freshman looked like he could literally cling to Luhan’s leg at any time, and the older had no other choice but agree with him after fifteen minutes. Baekhyun looked hesitant a bit, staring down at the white shirt he was wearing and all of a sudden Chanyeol pushed him over the ground. The short boy gave out a not-so-manly yelp and chased his boyfriend around the area.
There were seven players, but Wufan normally didn’t like soccer at all so the other six split into two groups easily. Minseok tried to get the deer in his team. Anyway, Jongin was quicker as he pushed Chanyeol stumble to the other side. Baozi of course wasn’t happy at all till Baekhyun joined him, the sophomore might hate exercise but he was pretty quick. That made Joonmyeon in the same side with Jongin and Luhan.
Wufan watched from a random audience row as the six boys play on court. The feeling many years ago in the past came back, that time stronger than ever as he stared at Luhan run around kicking soccer ball. Whenever the brunette was allowed to play football with kids in his age back in China, he would hide Kris in his backpack, only let it unzipped a bit so his little friend might watch him play. It felt like many, many, many years ago already… The blonde felt like Luhan and Minseok might have played with each other many times before, as the little deer seemed to know much about how the other would play, where he would strike or defend. Luhan didn’t run fast, he seemed a bit exhausted but he knew his rival well. Plus with Jongin’s quick reaction and the brain of an organizer from Joonmyeon, they made a good team. Their only audience couldn’t help his grins, sometimes even laughs, all the time as he watched Minseok rub hair in frustration while Baekhyun and Chanyeol almost tripped over each other.
Or maybe, well, Wufan wasn’t the only audience at all. He thought while turning around to find another student, about first year or sophomore, sitting in two rows behind. Jongin was probably trying to impress someone, Wufan stiffened his laugh as he saw that wide-eyed kid watch their Kamjong in awe whenever he scored a goal.
They played the first mini match till Luhan quickly excused himself while making way toward the restroom. His face looked pale all of a sudden, Wufan sensed something wrong as he watched his friend disappear and was about to follow, but Jongin had thrown a tantrum and pulled him to join. Having never played soccer before, the blonde surely didn’t know how to play; his long legs were pretty useless there. Chanyeol laughed every time he tripped, but immediately shut up as the older threw a warning glare. Kamjong seemed to be embarrassed as he hadn’t goaled since the second math started. They played till late afternoon, all out of breath with Minseok’s team won over. Lying on the ground breathlessly, Wufan noticed Luhan had just come back to the court after almost two hours, sitting right beside the wide-eyed student. Their eyes met and the brunette stiffened a laugh, which made him embarrassed to death.
Jongin had made Wufan and Luhan as their new targets. There was an indoor swimming pool nearby, the blonde didn’t know when but somehow Chanyeol had tackled him on the ground and all of a sudden he was thrown into the water, and he was more than sure that there weren’t only Jongin and his older fellow, but also Minseok’s team. The boy let out a manly (he thought) shrike while trying to not be drown in the pool.
“What’s that for?”
He said, trying to sound at least angry. Wufan must look funny enough as his friends only laughed in response. He heard a yelp and then water splashed everywhere. Baekhyun’s laughter rang loudly than ever and Wufan saw next to him, also being drowned in the pool, was no other than Luhan.
“That’s what you get for sucking at football. And Luhan huyng, why did you leave us like that?”
Jongin yelled while Baekhyun stuck his tongue out as usual. Joonmyeon grinned widely while stretching his hand out for Luhan as an attempt to help, having no idea that himself might be the second victim till he was pulled into the water by a certain brunette. The third was Baozi as he was leaned on the head boy and didn’t notice at all the danger coming from an innocent deer.
“You are all clumsy old men.”
Jongin laughed like a maniac and Wufan caught his leg. That time it was ChanBaek’s turn to laugh at the younger’s hilarious face, but they all soon cried in despair as Jongin tried to push them over.
Wufan’s glad he still had some clothes to change as he stood in the changing room with others. As soon as he was about to take off his shirt, an alarm rang in mind and the blonde stood awkwardly in front of his locker, new shirt in hand. He darted his eyes around, everyone was almost done changing already. Luhan was having his back against him, but it was better as the blonde didn’t think it would be a good idea if he saw the bare torso of his flat mate. The deer had done for a while and was making his way out with Minseok, bag hanging loosely on shoulder.
“Hyung, why don’t you change?”
Chanyeol asked out of the blue. Wufan’s snapped back to the reality, noticing four pairs of eyes looking over him in pure curiosity.
“I’m a bit taken away, that’s all. You guys go out first and wait for me a bit, okay?”
“Hyung, don’t tell me that you’re embarrassed of changing in front of us.”
Jongin teased. Wufan only threw at him a warning glare, but it didn’t dampen the younger boy at all.
“Take your time hyung, we can wait at the grand entrance.”
As Joonmyeon stated, gradually they all left the changing room till there was only Wufan left behind. The blonde took a deep breath as he threw himself on a bench, before with a swift movement removing the upper garment covering his torso. Late afternoon sunbeam flowed into the small space in a lazy manner, bathing the boy in a sickeningly fade light and he watched the sign once sewn on his right arm, which read Luhan.
When the brunette was still small, others were always teasing him by taking Kris away, to the point Luhan got really angry and pleaded his mother to sew his name on the doll so no one would touch it. Of course, it didn’t prevent the kids at all, but sometimes it was convenient as one tried to steal Kris away but the right owner had proof showing that the doll was really his.
Wufan touched the sign lightly. As he became a human, the name wasn’t sewn by needle anymore, it looked rather like a tattoo. A permanent, obvious tattoo that Wufan could, and would never try to erase. His fingers trailed to other stitches across his stomach and shoulder blade. When Luhan was fourteen, his stepbrother threw Kris to a fierce dog living in their neighborhood. That time although being scared to death, Luhan still fought with the dog for his toy. Of course, both Kris and Luhan had many injuries; the scar on the brunette’s back hand was only one of them. Luhan was scratched by that creature badly, blood couldn’t stop flowing but he still kept Kris close to his chest till his father came. The boy was scolded and grounded for weeks, but he didn’t cry at all. He only cried later that night while mending Kris in his room, alone.
The blonde was contemplating whether showing them, especially the tattoo, to Luhan or not, as it might freak the other out. What if he thought Wufan was an obsessive? But it was the only way he could persuade his friend. Plus, wasn’t it that Wufan looked exactly like Kris? It might make some senses…
His train of thought was interrupted again, that time was by a creak from the door. Wufan’s guts twitched lightly as he realized the others didn’t close the door before they left. He put on his new shirt and looked around again to make sure things were fine, relaxing a bit as he recalled hearing nothing else before that.
Or to be detailed, he was too caught up in the memories to notice anything.
When Wufan reached their destination, Luhan was nowhere to be seen.
“Where’s Luhan?”
The blonde whispered to Joonmyeon while they making their way to the café. The third year shrugged nonchalantly:
“He said he forgot his textbook so he needed to find it at the court, and then later calling us said that there’re some problems and he needed to see Sehun.”
“What problems?”
“I don’t know. But his voice sounded shocked.”
Does Jongin know? Wufan wondered, but the clueless expression that certain tanned-skin boy was having told him that he also had no idea about those things. Something uncomfortable stirred deep in Wufan’s guts and he tried to swallow them down.
That night Wufan dreamt about the day he was thrown away. Luhan had placed him neatly on his bed and gone out for a while, before a shadow came over and took him away. A bark of cruel laughs echoed in his mind as Luhan’s stepbrother threw him into the trash bin.
“It must be funny seeing that faggot crying over you.”
He heard. Wufan wanted to scream out for help, wanted to escape from that disgusting pair of hands, but nothing came out from his mouth and all his limbs went numb. Wufan felt like crying, but he had never cried and could never cry, because dolls didn’t have hearts. He watched in despair as darkness enveloped his cloth body, and he continued falling, falling deeply into that abyss, no way to escape. Nothing caught him anymore. Even Luhan that time couldn’t help him anymore…
Something cold held Wufan’s hand and the blonde woke up with a jerk, only to find Luhan standing next to the couch where he was lying, clothes all wet. Thunders crashed and it was pouring with rain, but Luhan’s hand which was holding Wufan’s were trembling more than ever. The blonde took a glance at the clock hanging on the wall.
It was 2AM already.
“Why did you come home that late Luhan? Have we talked before that you have to call me if you go home late? And I told you already to bring along an umbrella.”
Wufan’s really upset that time, but all his emotion died down little by little as Luhan only stared at him intensely with glassy eyes. The brunette looked like he could cry at any moment, and for some seconds all Wufan’s angriness were replaced with worries. All he wanted to do was actually reach out to wipe away Luhan’s tears. They stayed the same in silence for like a decade, before the shorter boy breathed out
“Wufan, can I hug you?”
Wufan almost froze at the sudden words. He bit his bottom lip lightly but eventually nodded his head.
Luhan squeezed him in a tight hug while hiding his face at the crook of Wufan’s neck. The boy sobbed, hot tears slipping from his doe eyes and wetted the blonde’s shoulder. His whole body trembled violently, it made Wufan feel like a wave of overwhelming emotions were washing through him and they must be kept down for too long, because there was no way Luhan could cry his eyes out like that if it weren’t over something he had to suffer long ago.
“Xiao Lu, what’s wrong? Tell me.”
But Luhan only shook his head in reply, tears still rolled down his cheeks.
Later Luhan fell asleep next to Wufan on the couch. Their bodies pressed warmly together and the brunette held his friend tight.
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