A life of separation [2/2] - MyungYeol Version
Title: A life of separation [2/2]
Pairing: Myungsoo/Sungyeol, Sungjong/Sungyeol.
Rating: R
Warning: mention of committing suicide and depressing theme
Summary: In fairy tale, the little mermaid died so her prince could live. But in the story of my own life, my prince even died before I could decide whether to kill him or not.
WC: 25,024 (for part II)
Editor: jang hanbyul @ tumblr - http://jang-hanbyul.tumblr.com/
Junhong’s Chemistry was literally, painfully, utterly awful. Myungsoo couldn’t help but wonder how that kid could make it through the entrance exam next year.
“No, it’s not hydrochloric acid. It’s sulfuric acid.”
Myungsoo said patiently, pointing at Junhong’s jotter. The younger boy only pouted in reply while using his pen to cross out the wrong formula.
“I have no idea why Yeollie hyung could leave me with someone like you.”
“And I also have no idea why he forced me to teach a kid like you.”
The older retorted, feeling slightly a bit regretted as he had just remembered that Junhong was a Hapkido master. The blonde’s not a master in Chemistry, sure, but he could knock a gang off with only his limbs. Myungsoo couldn’t help but shudder at the thought. He turned his head to take a few glances at the crowded street displayed behind glass. The air conditioners inside the café were working at full blast, yet they couldn’t knock back the heat of May. And it wasn’t even June or July yet. How could people survive from the heat then???
“Hey, aren’t they Sungyeol and Sungjong?”
Junhong asked out of the blue, which made Myungsoo almost drop his cup of coffee. Following Junhong’s direction, the older stared outside, only to find two familiar figures walking casually down the street, hand in hand. Sungjong was brushing bangs from Sungyeol’s eyes and the brunette smiled lightly at the act. Myungsoo couldn’t help but feel churned up at the sight, all insecure feelings in that certain April night came back again and right then they were more than vivid, which hit him hard on his face. Somehow the raven-haired felt glad that he was sitting, or else he didn’t think he could stand still.
Breathe in, Myungsoo ah. Breathe.In.
“You also know Sungjong?”
Myungsoo asked after a while. Somehow Junhong had become surprisingly meek like a kitten, silently doing his Chemistry homework without giving any remark toward his tutor.
“Well, technically he’s my neighbor.”
The younger boy shrugged nonchalantly. Myungsoo could only nod in reply. His head was so blank at the moment to find a thing to say.
“Hyung, why don’t you go and take him back from Sungjong?”
Junhong’s clear words sunk into silence, and just like a sharp blade, it ripped right through Myungsoo. The older boy looked startled as he shifted his gaze toward the boy sitting opposite him. All childishness had vanished into the thin air, in front of Myungsoo was a new Choi Junhong with only sincerity shining in his eyes.
“You like him, right? You look serious enough to say that.”
“Well, I-I-”
Myungsoo stuttered for the first time, and it wasn’t Sungyeol but a kid pushing him in such a state.
Love?
The raven-haired didn’t know at all. He knew for sure that all his life was dedicate to Sungyeol, he was born as the brunette’s doll and the mission for the rest of his life was staying by his side. Even when he met Sunggyu and was turned into human, Myungsoo also didn’t think much about what would happen next. He simply thought he wanted to become a boy, a real boy, so he could go find Sungyeol himself and keep the promise they had made years ago when they were still young. He had never expected things could be that complicated, with the appearance of a certain Lee Sungjong and a kind of things called “feelings”.
L was Sungyeol’s doll, and Myungsoo was at the moment Sungyeol’s friend. Though Myungsoo and L was the same person with the same intention, but the situation had changed a lot. Being a human let Myungsoo learn many new things, the boy realized he had developed something inside him only for Sungyeol. He smiled if the other smiled, he worried if the other skipped meals, he would wait if the other still wasn’t at home… Friends also did those things for each other, but the sensation Myungsoo had every time was different than what he had when he was a doll. Myungsoo had been friend of Sungyeol for twenty years, he must know what was different from the past to present.
Even when the feeling was still vague, but Myungsoo believed it was sincere.
“Junhong ah, it’s hard to explain.” Myungsoo said with difficulty after a while. “Sungyeol is Sungjong’s boyfriend and he’s not a thing anyway. I don’t want to take him from anyone. I hope he can take time to choose by himself.”
Myungsoo almost bit his tongue then. Who was he to talk about taking time? He didn’t even have any time.
“Isn’t it ‘Happiness means fighting’? My dad once told me that.”
“Not all the time Junhong. I mean, I respect Sungyeol’s decision. I hope he’s happy.”
“What if he’s not hyung?”
“…”
“It’s too obvious hyung, the way he looks at you. He finds you all the time even when a crowd surrounds you. Do you remember the first time we met? Sungyeol even knew that it was you before you actually appeared. Can you at least face the truth and do something?”
“He just thinks of me as a friend.”
Myungsoo muttered under his breath tiredly. The older stared at the spot the couple just stood again. Opposite him Junhong could only huffed in frustration.
“Okay, it all depends on you hyung. I’m just saying.”
“I will consider carefully. Thanks a lot Junhong.”
All annoying feeling Myungsoo had for Junhong had vanished into the thin air, from when he himself didn’t know. He smiled lightly while ruffling Junhong’s hair, the younger boy gave a small yelp as he fixed it but the older knew he wasn’t even mad at all.
“You two should get together, and I will become your son.”
“My what?”
Did Myungsoo’s ears just play some tricks on him?
“I really like Sungyeol hyung so he will be my mama. But having Lee Sungjong as my papa is pretty traumatizing so I prefer you then. Sungjong can be my sibling, my older sister.”
Myungsoo felt like choking on his own spit at the deadpan expression Junhong was wearing.
Did he just start a family tree?
By the way, having Lee Sungjong as a daughter was pretty traumatizing to Myungsoo too, just saying.
***
Working at the same hospital with Sungyeol helped Myungsoo know more about the taller boy, or at least another aspect of him. Sungyeol could be distant from other doctors and apprentices, but when it came to patients, he was very concern and dedicated. Sungyeol especially liked children, he could spend time talking or playing with the kids at the clinic when there was no patient to take care of. His eyes always twinkled as he watched his little patients running around or laughing lively.
“You like kids that much, huh?”
Myungsoo asked one night when they were standing in the hallway of the building, watching other doctor passing by in a hurry to come to their clinics. The shorter put a coin into the vending machine nearby to take a can of soda. As the thing was ejected from the machine, he gave it to Sungyeol.
“At least they don’t know how to lie. And they can do what they want. Isn’t that great?”
The brunette answered, taking a sip from the drink.
“Do you want to come back to your childhood?”
Sungyeol only turned to stare at Myungsoo strangely, then started walking to another direction a little faster, leaving the latter behind. His friend frantically followed him and without thinking of passers-by stares, he pulled Sungyeol’s arm:
“I’m sorry.”
He breathed out lightly. The other doctor tilted his head a little to avoid his gaze, but still, Myungsoo caught sign of hurt flashed deep in the brown orbs.
Ambulance stretcher rushed through the hospital’s entrance, making a beeline toward the emergency room. Both boys were startled as the alarm rang and without saying a word, they quickly ran toward the stretcher.
“What’s wrong?”
Myungsoo asked while eyeing the patient. Blood was still oozing out nonstop from the deep cut on her wrist, the blonde could tell due to the dampened clothe tied tight around it. Hyorin frantically answered while pushing the stretcher:
“Committing suicide. We gave her first aid already but she’s lost too much blood. Where’s doctor Sungyeol? He’s one in charge of the night shift today.”
Sungyeol?
Wasn’t Sungyeol following him?
He turned his head back to find the said boy, and was greeted with the sight of him trembling while leaning on the wall behind for support. The boy was paler than usual, his skin looked like it almost translucent, and beads of sweat were perspiring from his forehead, making their ways down the side of his face.
“Sungyeol?”
Myungsoo stopped going completely then, he called out worriedly. The boy was about approach his friend but Sungyeol had stopped him already, hand stretched out to indicate him stay still.
“I-I will go now.”
His voice sounded so weak and trembling. Sungyeol tried to walk but his legs gave up and the boy fell down on the ground.
“Sungyeol!”
Myungsoo rushed toward the brunette, picking him up in his arms. Sungyeol’s hand was grasping at his left chest as the boy was gasping for air, his boy jerking painfully as if he were chocked. The dark-haired boy could feel accelerated heart rate came from the other.
“L… L…”
Sungyeol muttered under his breath, hand reached out to grasp for nothing in the air. Myungsoo felt like his body became frozen, breath caught in his throat at the sound of Sungyeol’s voice.
Did he just call “L”?
“I’m here, Sungyeol. I’m here, don’t be scared.”
He assured while taking Sungyeol’s hand in his, his hold just tightened more.
Shit, why didn’t he realize that sooner? Myungsoo thought, eyeing Sungyeol’s trembling body.
Hyorin ran out from the emergency room to find Sungyeol again. The nurse’s eyes wide opened in shock at the sight of the said doctor lying on the floor, jerking constantly.
“He’s having a panic attack now Hyorin-ssi, he can’t give the treatment. I heard that doctor Siwan’s at room 301.”
“O-okay, I understand.”
As Hyorin ran away and other doctor started rushing to the emergency room, Myungsoo immediately lifted Sungyeol up, the taller boy fearfully grasped a hold of his blouse and buried face into it. The whole thin frame trembled in Myungsoo’s arms. He carried the brunette to a bench nearby. Sungyeol was still breathing harshly, but at least he had stopped jerking his body.
“Inhale, Yeol. Inhale using your stomach.”
It took Sungyeol few seconds to adjust what his friend just said and as he made it out, the boy tried to comply with the order though with much difficulty.
“Hold your breath for 2 seconds. Yes, that’s it. Then slowly exhale, over 5 seconds.”
The brunette did the breathing exercise for few more times under the instruction of Myungsoo, till his breath became normal again. His hands were still shaking though, and sweat was all over his face.
Myungsoo was about to go and get his friend medication, but a cold hand had wrapped around his wrist to prevent the boy from going. He looked down only to meet a pair of wet eyes stare back in pure panic.
“I wanna go home Myungsoo.”
His voice sounded so broken. Where was the usually indifferent, conceited Sungyeol? The Sungyeol in front of him looked so tiny and vulnerable, Myungsoo felt like something deep inside him just break again. It hurt him even more than the time Sungyeol said he didn’t remember him, because heck, it was the pain only Myungsoo had to suffer. Seeing someone you cared about suffer was ten times more hurtful, he dared say.
“Okay, we will go home Yeol. We will.”
He said, forcing Sungyeol to climb on his back. The boy immediately threw away his so-called manly ego as he meekly followed his friend’s order. After asking for permission from the Chief, Myungsoo took Sungyeol out of the clinic. Both boys walked in blissful silence as they headed home, Sungyeol’s still on Myungsoo’s back.
“Myungsoo ah.”
Sungyeol whispered lightly into Myungsoo’s ear. Warm breath made the boy shudder lightly, he just hoped the other didn’t notice.
“Um?”
He hummed in reply. Myungsoo felt Sungyeol’s nuzzled further into his neck as he spoke again, voice muffled and tiny and it was so hard to hear:
“My parents divorced when I was nine. My mom moved out and my dad remarried only one year later. My mom had left behind the son she always said to love him the most in this world.”
Sungyeol laughed humorlessly as he said so, but Myungsoo felt his shoulder got wet as something just dropped on it. And it wasn’t even raining.
“Actually she had had another man already, and to be worse, they even had a son who’s few years younger than me. She’s such a liar, hiding those things away from us for years… Anyway, she moved in with them after the divorce and, well, I was maybe a child at that time, but I knew everything.”
“I understand Sungyeol.”
“No, don’t talk like that Myungsoo. You don’t know.”
No, I know Sungyeol. I know how depressed you had been those old days. Myungsoo hadn’t thought the wound in the past could leave such a deep scar in Sungyeol’s heart like that. He still remembered the nights when Sungyeol’s parents had arguments. The brunette only nuzzled further into his blanket as he’s crying while holding L tight for dear life. In the day they left to the court, Sungyeol broke everything in his room, then pulled L to run away. He ran, ran, ran, and then hid in an old theater crying his eyes out. When the night fell, Sungyeol finally backed home only to find his single father in the living room. All of his mother’s belongings had gone. She’d stepped out of his life and left him like that.
“I always bore a hatred for her. How could she leave me like that? She always knows my dad doesn’t like me at all. I’m too weak to be a boy in his eyes. I heard that she went to Seoul with her new family. And I thought: ‘Screw her. Hope that her family would break then.’ I really wished that. I had wished she couldn’t have a better life after leaving me.”
“…”
“I was sent to Seoul when I was sixteen. Do you know why? My stepmother doesn’t love me at all, and neither does her son. So they sent me away out of their sight. It’s fine, I thought. It’s better, I don’t like them anyway. After I came here one year, one day my mother appeared at my doorstep.”
Myungsoo’s hold on Sungyeol’s legs got tightened as he heard the taller boy ramble. He bit his low lip so hard that it might bleed at any time, but the boy couldn’t care less. He just hoped all Sungyeol’s sorrow could be passed on to him, so he was the one to get hurt, not the brunette on his back at the moment. Sungyeol’s really light, too light to be a real person, but at the same time he was so heavy too, with all the sadness he was carrying.
“She looked so pathetic, so sad and depressed. I thought I was supposed to laugh at her, like I usually imagined when I was younger, for being in such a state. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t force out a laugh, but instead I got angry. I thought: what’s wrong with her? She was supposed to live happily ever after. What I saw wasn’t the reality I wanted at all. So I yelled at her and even chased my own mom out of my dorm.”
Sungyeol’s head leaned on Myungsoo’s shoulder as he continued talking, that time tears fell from his beautiful eyes, rolling down his cheeks to his neck, but the boy wasn’t bothered to wipe them away anymore. He was too tired already.
“Months later she died, committing suicide. She cut her wrist like the patient just coming to the hospital. I was the one who discovered her body, the image still obsesses me and every time I see something like that, I’m out of control.”
All of a sudden Myungsoo stopped walking. He looked stiffened under the streetlight, which scared Sungyeol lightly. Did he just talk about something annoyed him?
“Climb down Sungyeol.”
The hands holding Sungyeol’s legs were removed and the said boy had no other choice but to comply what the other said. Sungyeol stood in confusion behind Myungsoo till his friend turned around. He stared intensely at the brunette and wiped away all the tears on the small face with his warm, calloused palm. Only at that moment did Sungyeol realize Myungsoo’s eyes also looked really sad. His usually strong gaze was dripping with sorrow, and for some unknown reason Sungyeol felt like Myungsoo really did feel that. He was also feeling what Sungyeol had felt, had experienced, and he was trying to understand them with all his heart. There was always some sort of unspoken connection between them, they could understand what the other was feeling through eyes and the sensation alone had warmed up Sungyeol’s heart already.
Myungsoo’s hands made their way to Sungyeol’s shoulders. They lingered there for some seconds before firmly wrapped a hold tight.
“Just turn around and you will find me right behind, so don't be scared, okay?”
And to Sungyeol’s surprise, Myungsoo pulled him into a hug. Their first hug, to be more detailed.
“It will be fine, Yeol ah. It will. So please believe me.”
His voice whispered to Sungyeol. Somehow the taller felt like his eyes stung again.
Myungsoo ah, what should I do now? Why do you suddenly make things so hard like this?
With a messed up mind, Sungyeol also held Myungsoo back, two thin arms wrapped around broad shoulders. He couldn’t help but let his tears fall, again.
That night Myungsoo couldn’t sleep, not because of only Sungyeol’s depressing story but also the fact that the brunette had called L while having panic attack. The raven-haired boy needed to admit that he was very startled after hearing it, to the point that he actually felt shocked. And Sungyeol even once declined having any precious thing during his childhood. So what was the answer for his act that night then? Myungsoo didn’t think Sungyeol knew another L in his life, and it surely wasn’t a name appearing out of the blue in Sungyeol’s mind. He could have said his mother’s name, but why did he call L? Somehow Myungsoo had a feeling that Sungyeol was hiding something there. And maybe, he still had a chance?
The boy immediately sat up on his bed as the thought was absorbed into his brain, and for the first time in two months Myungsoo could feel his body tingling again with the excitement he had lost already. Yes, that’s it, what if Sungyeol still remembered L but only trying to act cool? What if L was a sensitive topic to him that he didn’t want to touch it again? In any of those cases, Myungsoo thought he still really had a chance there.
Feeling a thirst burning his throat little by little, Myungsoo stood up and opened his door to have some water. He noticed light in the kitchen was still on.
“Sungyeol?”
He asked, making a beeline to the direction. Sungyeol was standing with hand grasped onto the table, dark circles under his eyes and beads of sweat were perspiring from forehead.
“What’s wrong?”
Myungsoo placed his hand gently on Sungyeol’s shoulder, but never expected it to be pushed away. Seeing the dumbfounded, yet hurtful expression on Myungsoo’s face, the brunette could only sigh as he managed an excuse:
“Bad night; I just had a terrible headache. There’s nothing to be worried about.”
Painkilling drug soon took effect and Sungyeol could relax a little. His friend was still wearing that worried expression so he gave him a smile as a little assurance. He only smiled tightly back, taking a big gulp of water from the mug Sungyeol was holding.
“Do you want to eat ramen?”
Myungsoo asked out of the blue. Sungyeol still felt his stomach stir in pain a little but still, nodding his head in reply.
The shorter only made a bowl of ramen, knowing how little of food Sungyeol could actually eat in a meal. The said boy could eat like a bird, but he would never hesitate to try a new dish. He liked tasting food, to be exact. As Myungsoo had expected, Sungyeol only had two gulps of Ramen before sliding the bowl back to Myungsoo. Like a wordless agreement, Myungsoo took it and continued eating the remaining.
“Sungyeol.”
He called, trying to sound less anticipating by stuffing more noodles into his mouth.
“Swallow first Myungsoo. This is so not-you.”
Sungyeol made a face, pointing at the soup at the corner of Myungsoo’s mouth which made him feel very, very, very embarrassed.
“When you were having panic attack, I heard you say ‘L’. So, who’s L?”
The brunette stiffened up at the mention of L’s name. His eyes shifted to his hands placing neatly on laps, refusing to look straight into Myungsoo’s.
“It’s nothing Myungsoo. You don’t have to know.”
There, there, he was being stubborn again. Myungsoo frowned slightly, but still trying:
“Is he your ex before Sungjong?”
“No, thanks for your imagination but he isn’t.”
“So who’s he?” Myungsoo paused briefly, squeezing his brain to remember something: “The first time we met, you said I looked familiar. Was that mean I look like him?”
“Aish, why are you all of a sudden this annoying?”
Sungyeol muttered under his breath while shooting the other a dirty look. He stood up abruptly and stomped to his own room, closing the door a bit harder than usual. Myungsoo bewilderedly looked at his direction, and then at the Ramen bowl in front of him.
It would take a lot of time then, the raven-haired couldn’t help but sigh.
***
News about Sungyeol’s panic attack spread like wildfire from the hospital to the Medicine department of Yonsei University. After all it wasn’t that only Sungyeol and Myungsoo practicing there. It was surely a hot topic, students around gossiped about the news as if it were such a fine meat and Myungsoo couldn’t even blame them. About Sungyeol, as a result of “not having recovered yet from the panic disorder”, plus “lacking of professionalism”, his work was handed over to Myungsoo and he was told to “wait till you gain back your balance and our hospital will welcome you again”.
“They treated you like that just because you’re a student!”
Chanhee commented with angry tone. Sungyeol shrugged nonchalantly:
“It’s my fault anyway. If other doctors weren’t around, that patient could have died because of me.”
“Have you felt any better?”
From the couch Dongwoo asked, his voice laced with sincere concern and the brunette only nodded his head lightly. He leaned a bit on Sungjong and the kid was more than happy to be his shoulder. Sungjong’s one hand came in contact with Sungyeol’s back and stroked it in a soothing manner, he whispered into his boyfriend’s ear something and the brunette only hummed along. Myungsoo couldn’t help but notice that lately his friend had been attached to Sungjong too often and neglected him. Being free from all works at hospital gave the said boy a little time for himself, and Myungsoo felt like all his time after school was spent with Sungjong (actually it was Junhong who said that as the younger usually caught sight of Sungyeol in Sungjong’s flat, and sometimes them holding hands while leaving the building.) The brunette also slept in his old apartment with Woohyun instead of at his place. Something was definitely wrong there, but Myungsoo just couldn’t figure out why.
“Are you ignoring me?”
Myungsoo asked him few days later in the library. They were standing between biology sections, the same place where they first had a proper talk.
“No, I’m not. What makes you think so?”
Sungyeol looked up to stare at Myungsoo, eyes all calm and indifferent.
“Look, I’m totally fine with you taking over my work at the hospital. Are you seriously thinking I’m that petty? It could hurt my pride, sure, but I’m not jealous.”
“You know clearly what I’m talking about.”
That time both boys sank in awkward silence. Sungyeol stared down at the book in his hand, all of a sudden had an unusual interest with its dull cover. What the other was trying to say, it wasn’t that he didn’t understand. But he couldn’t give Myungsoo the answer he wanted. What could he say? That he got confused with his life, that his mind was a mess already, that Myungsoo should stop being around him because it made his heart ache, but at the same time filled up with many beautiful feelings he had long forgotten? It didn’t do any good for anyone, Sungyeol knew it. Tangling himself in those kind of mess, the mess of relationship, was the last thing the brunette could expect at that time. He couldn’t, shouldn’t, and had no right to have a thing for Myungsoo. It would be unfair to both of them, not to mention Sungjong. He had been unfair enough to Sungjong and the kid didn’t need more scar in his soul.
But what was going to happen in the future would still hurt him anyway.
What should Sungyeol do?
“I don’t know what you’re aiming to Myungsoo.”
Sungyeol mumbled quietly.
“Sungyeol, if you’re ignoring me because of what I had told you that night when we went home, I’m sorry, okay?”
He was sorry?
Sungyeol’s heart wrenched painfully and the boy blinked his eyes twice, trying to erase the stinging sensation there. So he didn’t mean what he had said, right? Words were only words anyway. What Myungsoo had said that night was out of Sungyeol’s expectation and he also once wished the other hadn’t said it out loud, as it hurt him and messed up his all mind, which was prepared carefully for what had been planned long ago. But he had never expected Myungsoo to say sorry.
It just hurt him even more.
“I promise you I will never trying to get in between your relationship with Sungjong, I respect both of you so don’t be worried.”
“I know you’re not that kind of person.”
The brunette inhaled sharply as he said so while making his way out of the library. It was so suffocating there, to the point Sungyeol’s afraid that he might pass out anytime soon due to lack of oxygen. His stomach started hurting, Sungyeol felt like his legs were trembling then.
“Sungyeol ah, are you okay?”
Myungsoo chased after him, voice laced with concern. He tried to wipe away the sweat on his forehead but Sungyeol had pushed his hand away. Somehow anger was stirred in him and the boy said, didn’t expect that his voice could sound that high and annoyed:
“Please, stop acting like you actually care.”
“What?”
“You have never meant what you said so what’s the point of acting like this? It annoys me you know?”
Pain swept over him and Sungyeol had to cling to the wall nearby for support. His face must turn very pale because Myungsoo standing there was looking deeply worried at him.
“You’re not okay Sungyeol.”
“I SAID I’M FINE.”
That time Sungyeol yelled at him instead. The act shocked both of them but mostly to Myungsoo. Hurt flashed through his face and all of a sudden the brunette felt so regretful. He had never intended to yell at him or say something cruel, Sungyeol just didn’t want Myungsoo to see him in such a state, looking all vulnerable and hurt. The problem wasn’t his pride anymore, but because he was scared that all the caring action Myungsoo gave could push him deeper and deeper into the web of a certain feeling Sungyeol didn’t have a right to harbor anymore.
Myungsoo didn’t say anything; instead he took Sungyeol’s wrist in his hand and started walking. The brunette tried to break the hold, but the stern look on Myungsoo’s face as he turned around, plus the pain in his stomach didn’t let him do so. Sungyeol didn’t have another choice except following the other obediently, biting back the awful pain creeping up over his stomach.
The college infirmary was deserted when they came, probably because everyone had gone out for lunch already. The sight of an angry Myungsoo scared Sungyeol and the brunette actually think he shouldn’t talk anymore for the sake of his life. But still, the boy asked with timid voice:
“Can you get me some water?”
Myungsoo released Sungyeol’s wrist to find him water. The brunette felt a bit lost and unsteady at the sudden lack of their skin contact, as the grip was so painful, but at the same time felt so warm. Myungsoo’s grip was the only thing supporting Sungyeol all the way, but as soon as it disappeared the boy had to cling to the bed sheet nearby in order to stand properly. It hurt a lot, but he couldn’t show it to anyone especially Myungsoo.
After taking the painkillers he always carried around with the water Myungsoo brought back, slowly the pain started wearing off. Sungyeol, still in a daze aftermath, didn’t know how and when, but eventually Myungsoo had found a way to have him sit down on a bed nearby. He eyed suspiciously at the pills in Sungyeol’s wallet and the brunette had to hide them quickly, feigning innocent as much as he could.
“I’m on medication due to some minor stomach troubles.”
It didn’t seem like Myungsoo actually bought what Sungyeol explained, but he said nothing at all. His sharp eyes trailed to Sungyeol’s wrist he had held before, seeing trace of his own fingers still printed clearly on the porcelain skin, leaving behind red marks. He must have pulled him really hard. The boy couldn’t help the sigh escape from his lips as he took Sungyeol’s wrist in his hands, stroking it soothingly like he wanted to wipe away all the trace of his strong grip.
“A doctor needs to be healthy.”
Myungsoo muttered under his breath, but still loudly enough for Sungyeol to hear.
“I know.”
“Sorry Yeol.”
“For someone always acting cool like you, saying sorry too much seems to be out of character huh?”
“Comparing to your coldness, I don’t think mine is considerable.”
Sungyeol knew it was an accusation, but instead of finding something to snap back, the boy kept silent. He did nothing except watching Myungsoo draw circles on the skin of his wrist by fingertips, the silence they sunk in that time wasn’t awkward anymore but more comfortable and soothing, and for some mere seconds Sungyeol had wished they could stay still, in that situation, forever.
“Sungyeol ah, remember this, I may feel sorry because what I said confused you, but I’m not taking back what I have promised, ‘kay? Whatever happens, even when you try to chase me away, I will still stand behind you.”
The sound of Myungsoo quiet voice made its way into Sungyeol’s heart. Couldn’t stand it anymore looking at the other, Sungyeol turned his head to stare outside the window. Warm sunshine of late May was radiated through the air, the brunette heard sounds of laughter echoing faintly from the grand yard.
Though hating to admit it, but Sungyeol knew for sure that in the future there wasn’t only Sungjong but also Myungsoo getting hurt because of him.
***
The May came to an end meant going out and having fun, at least to a hyperactive first year like Lee Byunghun. But to both senior and fourth year student, the nightmare of being failed in final term exam was still hanging over them and there was no way to get out except trying to squeeze as much as possible all text books into their tiny heads. That reasoned why Dongwoo and Woohyun hardly ate dinner at the café recently, having claimed a temporary spot in library. Chanhee was also there, the head boy only wanted to make sure that no one would beat him to his first place in third year. Sungyeol and Myungsoo sometimes joined the two, but usually they just borrowed reference books and studied in their flat (Myungsoo wanted to call it like that, though it’s only him who was the permanent resident there). Two boys sat around kitchen table studying, or sometimes Sungyeol suggested moving to the carpet floor in living room. In the second case, books would be scattered messily on the floor and it was Sungyeol who always fell asleep first. Myungsoo could just move the taller into his bedroom, but after contemplating for a while, he decided to rest Sungyeol’s head on his laps comfortably (though his legs surely would go numb, but who cared?)
The dark-haired boy noticed his friend seemed to be a bit more tired than usual, all pale skin and skinny wrists. Lately Sungyeol sometimes even perspired cold sweats at nights, and all Myungsoo could do was using tissues wiping them away as gently as he could, being afraid of waking the other up. He was quite a light sleeper, unlike Myungsoo. The shorter boy couldn’t help but chuckle at the comparison, and without thinking he had leaned over to place a small kiss on Sungyeol’s forehead. His callous fingers lingered, before resting them on Sungyeol’s soft ones. Myungsoo frowned a bit at a scar on Sungyeol’s back hand as memories from the past stirred in mind, but soon smiled faintly at the thought of Sungyeol’s innocent sleeping face as he went back to read the anatomy book in his left hand.
One afternoon, Byunghun literally dragged Chanhee from the library while calling others to come over the soccer pitch in campus. Sungjong wasn’t there, Myungsoo heard Woohyun say something like Sungyeol had threatened the younger to stay at home and study; the boy was about to take his entrance exam next year. Byunghun of course wasn’t fond of the fact at all, but it was Sungyeol who decided so the younger could only shut up and no more protest. Dongwoo looked dead tired than the last time Myungsoo saw him, which was almost a week ago.
Howon looked at Byunghun like the younger just grew another head as he heard him whine about them playing soccer together and Myungsoo could totally understand what the senior was thinking. Who wanted to play soccer on a pitch under the heat of May, seriously? The freshman looked like he could literally cling to Sungyeol’s leg at any time, and the older had no other choice but agree with him after fifteen minutes. Woohyun looked hesitant a bit, staring down at the white shirt he was wearing and all of a sudden Dongwoo pushed him over the ground. The older boy gave out a not-so-manly yelp and chased his buddy around the area.
There were seven players, but Myungsoo normally didn’t like soccer at all so the other six split into two groups easily. Dongwoo tried to get the brunette in his team. Anyway, Byunghun was quicker as he pushed Chanhee stumble to the other side. The dino of course wasn’t happy at all till Woohyun joined him, the senior might hate exercise but he was pretty quick. That made Howon in the same side with Byunghun and Sungyeol.
Myungsoo watched from a random audience row as the six boys play on court. The feeling many years ago in the past came back, that time stronger than ever as he stared at Sungyeol run around kicking soccer ball. Whenever the brunette was allowed to play football with kids in his age back in Busan, he would hide L in his backpack, only let it unzipped a bit so his little friend might watch him play. It felt like many, many, many years ago already… The dark-haired felt like Sungyeol and Dongwoo might have played with each other many times before, as the taller seemed to know much about how the other would play, where he would strike or defend. Sungyeol didn’t run fast, he seemed a bit exhausted but he knew his rival well. Plus with Howon’s quick reaction and the brain of a wicked from Byunghun, they made a good team. Their only audience couldn’t help his grins, sometimes even laughs, all the time as he watched Dongwoo rub hair in frustration while Woohyun and Chanhee almost tripped over each other.
They played the first mini match till Sungyeol quickly excused himself while making way toward the restroom. His face looked pale all of a sudden, Myungsoo sensed something wrong as he watched his friend disappear and was about to follow, but Byunghun had thrown a tantrum and pulled him to join. Having never played soccer before, the older surely didn’t know how to play; his long legs were pretty useless there. Chanhee laughed every time he tripped, but immediately shut up as the said boy threw a warning glare. Byunghun seemed to be embarrassed as he hadn’t goaled since the second math started. They played till late afternoon, all out of breath with Dongwoo’s team won over. Lying on the ground breathlessly, Myungsoo noticed Sungyeol had just come back to the court after almost two hours, sitting right at the same spot Myungsoo claimed before. Their eyes met and the brunette stiffened a laugh, which made him embarrassed to death.
Byunghun had made Myungsoo and Sungyeol as their new targets. There was an indoor swimming pool nearby, the older didn’t know when but somehow Chanhee had tackled him on the ground and all of a sudden he was thrown into the water, and he was more than sure that there weren’t only Byunghun and his older fellow, but also Dongwoo’s team. The boy let out a manly (he thought) shrike while trying to not be drown in the pool.
“What’s that for?”
He said, trying to sound at least angry. Myungsoo must look funny enough as his friends only laughed in response. He heard a yelp and then water splashed everywhere. Dongwoo’s laughter rang loudly than ever and Myungsoo saw next to him, also being drowned in the pool, was no other than Sungyeol.
“That’s what you get for sucking at football. And Sungyeol huyng, why did you leave us like that?”
Byunghun yelled while Woohyun stuck his tongue out as usual. Howon grinned widely while stretching his hand out for Sungyeol as an attempt to help, having no idea that himself might be the second victim till he was pulled into the water by a certain brunette. The third was Dongwoo as he was leaned on his boyfriend and didn’t notice at all the danger coming from his innocent dongsaeng.
“You are all clumsy old men.”
Byunghun laughed like a maniac and Myungsoo caught his leg. That time it was Chanhee and Woohyun’s turn to laugh at the younger’s hilarious face, but they all soon cried in despair as the said boy tried to push them over.
Myungsoo’s glad he still had some clothes to change as he stood in the changing room with others. As soon as he was about to take off his shirt, an alarm rang in mind and the boy stood awkwardly in front of his locker, new shirt in hand. He darted his eyes around, everyone was almost done changing already. Sungyeol was having his back against him, but it was better as Myungsoo didn’t think it would be a good idea if he saw the bare torso of his flat mate. The brunette had done for a while and was making his way out with Woohyun, bag hanging loosely on shoulder.
“Hyung, why don’t you change?”
Chanhee asked out of the blue. Myungsoo’s snapped back to the reality, noticing four pairs of eyes looking over him in pure curiosity.
“I’m a bit taken away, that’s all. You guys go out first and wait for me a bit, okay?”
“Hyung, don’t tell me that you’re embarrassed of changing in front of us.”
Byunghun teased. Myungsoo only threw at him a warning glare, but it didn’t dampen the younger boy at all.
“Take your time Myungsoo, we can wait at the grand entrance.”
As Howon stated, gradually they all left the changing room till there was only Myungsoo left behind. The boy took a deep breath as he threw himself on a bench, before with a swift movement removing the upper garment covering his torso. Late afternoon sunbeam flowed into the small space in a lazy manner, bathing the boy in a sickeningly fade light and he watched the sign once sewn on his right arm, which read Sungyeol.
When the brunette was still small, others were always teasing him by taking L away, to the point Sungyeol got really angry and pleaded his mother to sew his name on the doll so no one would touch it. Of course, it didn’t prevent the kids at all, but sometimes it was convenient as one tried to steal L away but the right owner had proof showing that the doll was really his.
Myungsoo touched the sign lightly. As he became a human, the name wasn’t sewn by needle anymore, it looked rather like a tattoo. A permanent, obvious tattoo that Myungsoo could, and would never try to erase. His fingers trailed to other stitches across his stomach and shoulder blade. When Sungyeol was fourteen, his stepbrother threw L to a fierce dog living in their neighborhood. That time although being scared to death, Sungyeol still fought with the dog for his toy. Of course, both L and Sungyeol had many injuries; the scar on the brunette’s back hand was only one of them. Sungyeol was scratched by that creature badly, blood couldn’t stop flowing but he still kept L close to his chest till his father came. The boy was scolded and grounded for weeks, but he didn’t cry at all. He only cried later that night while mending L in his room, alone.
He was contemplating whether showing them, especially the tattoo, to Sungyeol or not, as it might freak the other out. What if he thought Myungsoo was an obsessive? But it was the only way he could persuade his friend. Plus, wasn’t it that Myungsoo looked exactly like L? It might make some senses…
His train of thought was interrupted again, that time was by a creak from the door. Myungsoo’s guts twitched lightly as he realized the others didn’t close the door before they left. He put on his new shirt and looked around again to make sure things were fine, relaxing a bit as he recalled hearing nothing else before that.
Or to be detailed, he was too caught up in the memories to notice anything.
When Myungsoo reached their destination, Sungyeol was nowhere to be seen.
“Where’s Sungyeol?”
The raven-haired whispered to Howon while they making their way to the café. The shorter shrugged nonchalantly:
“He said he forgot his textbook so he needed to find it at the court, and then later calling us said that there’re some problems and he needed to see Sungjong.”
“What problems?”
“I don’t know. But his voice sounded shocked.”
Does Byunghun know? Myungsoo wondered, but the clueless expression that certain first year was having told him that he also had no idea about those things. Something uncomfortable stirred deep in Myungsoo’s guts and he tried to swallow them down.
That night Myungsoo dreamt about the day he was thrown away. Sungyeol had placed him neatly on his bed and gone out for a while, before a shadow came over and took him away. A bark of cruel laughs echoed in his mind as Sungyeol’s stepbrother threw him into the trash bin.
“It must be funny seeing that faggot crying over you.”
He heard. Myungsoo wanted to scream out for help, wanted to escape from that disgusting pair of hands, but nothing came out from his mouth and all his limbs went numb. Myungsoo felt like crying, but he had never cried and could never cry, because dolls didn’t have hearts. He watched in despair as darkness enveloped his cloth body, and he continued falling, falling deeply into that abyss, no way to escape. Nothing caught him anymore. Even Sungyeol that time couldn’t help him anymore…
Something cold held Myungsoo’s hand and the said boy woke up with a jerk, only to find Sungyeol standing next to the couch where he was lying, clothes all wet. Thunders crashed and it was pouring with rain, but Sungyeol’s hand which was holding Myungsoo’s were trembling more than ever. The shorter took a glance at the clock hanging on the wall.
It was 2AM already.
“Why did you come home that late Sungyeol? Have we talked before that you have to call me if you go home late? And I told you already to bring along an umbrella.”
Myungsoo’s really upset that time, but all his emotion died down little by little as Sungyeol only stared at him intensely with glassy eyes. The brunette looked like he could cry at any moment, and for some seconds all Myungsoo’s angriness were replaced with worries. All he wanted to do was actually reach out to wipe away Sungyeol’s tears. They stayed the same in silence for like a decade, before the taller boy breathed out
“Myungsoo, can I hug you?”
Myungsoo almost froze at the sudden words. He bit his bottom lip lightly but eventually nodded his head.
Sungyeol squeezed him in a tight hug while hiding his face at the crook of Myungsoo’s neck. The boy sobbed, hot tears slipping from his doe eyes and wetted his friend’s shoulder. His whole body trembled violently, it made Myungsoo feel like a wave of overwhelming emotions were washing through him and they must be kept down for too long, because there was no way Sungyeol could cry his eyes out like that if it weren’t over something he had to suffer long ago.
“Yeo ah, what’s wrong? Tell me.”
But Sungyeol only shook his head in reply, tears still rolled down his cheeks.
Later Sungyeol fell asleep next to Myungsoo on the couch. Their bodies pressed warmly together and the brunette held his friend tight.
>>
Pairing: Myungsoo/Sungyeol, Sungjong/Sungyeol.
Rating: R
Warning: mention of committing suicide and depressing theme
Summary: In fairy tale, the little mermaid died so her prince could live. But in the story of my own life, my prince even died before I could decide whether to kill him or not.
WC: 25,024 (for part II)
Editor: jang hanbyul @ tumblr - http://jang-hanbyul.tumblr.com/
Junhong’s Chemistry was literally, painfully, utterly awful. Myungsoo couldn’t help but wonder how that kid could make it through the entrance exam next year.
“No, it’s not hydrochloric acid. It’s sulfuric acid.”
Myungsoo said patiently, pointing at Junhong’s jotter. The younger boy only pouted in reply while using his pen to cross out the wrong formula.
“I have no idea why Yeollie hyung could leave me with someone like you.”
“And I also have no idea why he forced me to teach a kid like you.”
The older retorted, feeling slightly a bit regretted as he had just remembered that Junhong was a Hapkido master. The blonde’s not a master in Chemistry, sure, but he could knock a gang off with only his limbs. Myungsoo couldn’t help but shudder at the thought. He turned his head to take a few glances at the crowded street displayed behind glass. The air conditioners inside the café were working at full blast, yet they couldn’t knock back the heat of May. And it wasn’t even June or July yet. How could people survive from the heat then???
“Hey, aren’t they Sungyeol and Sungjong?”
Junhong asked out of the blue, which made Myungsoo almost drop his cup of coffee. Following Junhong’s direction, the older stared outside, only to find two familiar figures walking casually down the street, hand in hand. Sungjong was brushing bangs from Sungyeol’s eyes and the brunette smiled lightly at the act. Myungsoo couldn’t help but feel churned up at the sight, all insecure feelings in that certain April night came back again and right then they were more than vivid, which hit him hard on his face. Somehow the raven-haired felt glad that he was sitting, or else he didn’t think he could stand still.
Breathe in, Myungsoo ah. Breathe.In.
“You also know Sungjong?”
Myungsoo asked after a while. Somehow Junhong had become surprisingly meek like a kitten, silently doing his Chemistry homework without giving any remark toward his tutor.
“Well, technically he’s my neighbor.”
The younger boy shrugged nonchalantly. Myungsoo could only nod in reply. His head was so blank at the moment to find a thing to say.
“Hyung, why don’t you go and take him back from Sungjong?”
Junhong’s clear words sunk into silence, and just like a sharp blade, it ripped right through Myungsoo. The older boy looked startled as he shifted his gaze toward the boy sitting opposite him. All childishness had vanished into the thin air, in front of Myungsoo was a new Choi Junhong with only sincerity shining in his eyes.
“You like him, right? You look serious enough to say that.”
“Well, I-I-”
Myungsoo stuttered for the first time, and it wasn’t Sungyeol but a kid pushing him in such a state.
Love?
The raven-haired didn’t know at all. He knew for sure that all his life was dedicate to Sungyeol, he was born as the brunette’s doll and the mission for the rest of his life was staying by his side. Even when he met Sunggyu and was turned into human, Myungsoo also didn’t think much about what would happen next. He simply thought he wanted to become a boy, a real boy, so he could go find Sungyeol himself and keep the promise they had made years ago when they were still young. He had never expected things could be that complicated, with the appearance of a certain Lee Sungjong and a kind of things called “feelings”.
L was Sungyeol’s doll, and Myungsoo was at the moment Sungyeol’s friend. Though Myungsoo and L was the same person with the same intention, but the situation had changed a lot. Being a human let Myungsoo learn many new things, the boy realized he had developed something inside him only for Sungyeol. He smiled if the other smiled, he worried if the other skipped meals, he would wait if the other still wasn’t at home… Friends also did those things for each other, but the sensation Myungsoo had every time was different than what he had when he was a doll. Myungsoo had been friend of Sungyeol for twenty years, he must know what was different from the past to present.
Even when the feeling was still vague, but Myungsoo believed it was sincere.
“Junhong ah, it’s hard to explain.” Myungsoo said with difficulty after a while. “Sungyeol is Sungjong’s boyfriend and he’s not a thing anyway. I don’t want to take him from anyone. I hope he can take time to choose by himself.”
Myungsoo almost bit his tongue then. Who was he to talk about taking time? He didn’t even have any time.
“Isn’t it ‘Happiness means fighting’? My dad once told me that.”
“Not all the time Junhong. I mean, I respect Sungyeol’s decision. I hope he’s happy.”
“What if he’s not hyung?”
“…”
“It’s too obvious hyung, the way he looks at you. He finds you all the time even when a crowd surrounds you. Do you remember the first time we met? Sungyeol even knew that it was you before you actually appeared. Can you at least face the truth and do something?”
“He just thinks of me as a friend.”
Myungsoo muttered under his breath tiredly. The older stared at the spot the couple just stood again. Opposite him Junhong could only huffed in frustration.
“Okay, it all depends on you hyung. I’m just saying.”
“I will consider carefully. Thanks a lot Junhong.”
All annoying feeling Myungsoo had for Junhong had vanished into the thin air, from when he himself didn’t know. He smiled lightly while ruffling Junhong’s hair, the younger boy gave a small yelp as he fixed it but the older knew he wasn’t even mad at all.
“You two should get together, and I will become your son.”
“My what?”
Did Myungsoo’s ears just play some tricks on him?
“I really like Sungyeol hyung so he will be my mama. But having Lee Sungjong as my papa is pretty traumatizing so I prefer you then. Sungjong can be my sibling, my older sister.”
Myungsoo felt like choking on his own spit at the deadpan expression Junhong was wearing.
Did he just start a family tree?
By the way, having Lee Sungjong as a daughter was pretty traumatizing to Myungsoo too, just saying.
***
Working at the same hospital with Sungyeol helped Myungsoo know more about the taller boy, or at least another aspect of him. Sungyeol could be distant from other doctors and apprentices, but when it came to patients, he was very concern and dedicated. Sungyeol especially liked children, he could spend time talking or playing with the kids at the clinic when there was no patient to take care of. His eyes always twinkled as he watched his little patients running around or laughing lively.
“You like kids that much, huh?”
Myungsoo asked one night when they were standing in the hallway of the building, watching other doctor passing by in a hurry to come to their clinics. The shorter put a coin into the vending machine nearby to take a can of soda. As the thing was ejected from the machine, he gave it to Sungyeol.
“At least they don’t know how to lie. And they can do what they want. Isn’t that great?”
The brunette answered, taking a sip from the drink.
“Do you want to come back to your childhood?”
Sungyeol only turned to stare at Myungsoo strangely, then started walking to another direction a little faster, leaving the latter behind. His friend frantically followed him and without thinking of passers-by stares, he pulled Sungyeol’s arm:
“I’m sorry.”
He breathed out lightly. The other doctor tilted his head a little to avoid his gaze, but still, Myungsoo caught sign of hurt flashed deep in the brown orbs.
Ambulance stretcher rushed through the hospital’s entrance, making a beeline toward the emergency room. Both boys were startled as the alarm rang and without saying a word, they quickly ran toward the stretcher.
“What’s wrong?”
Myungsoo asked while eyeing the patient. Blood was still oozing out nonstop from the deep cut on her wrist, the blonde could tell due to the dampened clothe tied tight around it. Hyorin frantically answered while pushing the stretcher:
“Committing suicide. We gave her first aid already but she’s lost too much blood. Where’s doctor Sungyeol? He’s one in charge of the night shift today.”
Sungyeol?
Wasn’t Sungyeol following him?
He turned his head back to find the said boy, and was greeted with the sight of him trembling while leaning on the wall behind for support. The boy was paler than usual, his skin looked like it almost translucent, and beads of sweat were perspiring from his forehead, making their ways down the side of his face.
“Sungyeol?”
Myungsoo stopped going completely then, he called out worriedly. The boy was about approach his friend but Sungyeol had stopped him already, hand stretched out to indicate him stay still.
“I-I will go now.”
His voice sounded so weak and trembling. Sungyeol tried to walk but his legs gave up and the boy fell down on the ground.
“Sungyeol!”
Myungsoo rushed toward the brunette, picking him up in his arms. Sungyeol’s hand was grasping at his left chest as the boy was gasping for air, his boy jerking painfully as if he were chocked. The dark-haired boy could feel accelerated heart rate came from the other.
“L… L…”
Sungyeol muttered under his breath, hand reached out to grasp for nothing in the air. Myungsoo felt like his body became frozen, breath caught in his throat at the sound of Sungyeol’s voice.
Did he just call “L”?
“I’m here, Sungyeol. I’m here, don’t be scared.”
He assured while taking Sungyeol’s hand in his, his hold just tightened more.
Shit, why didn’t he realize that sooner? Myungsoo thought, eyeing Sungyeol’s trembling body.
Hyorin ran out from the emergency room to find Sungyeol again. The nurse’s eyes wide opened in shock at the sight of the said doctor lying on the floor, jerking constantly.
“He’s having a panic attack now Hyorin-ssi, he can’t give the treatment. I heard that doctor Siwan’s at room 301.”
“O-okay, I understand.”
As Hyorin ran away and other doctor started rushing to the emergency room, Myungsoo immediately lifted Sungyeol up, the taller boy fearfully grasped a hold of his blouse and buried face into it. The whole thin frame trembled in Myungsoo’s arms. He carried the brunette to a bench nearby. Sungyeol was still breathing harshly, but at least he had stopped jerking his body.
“Inhale, Yeol. Inhale using your stomach.”
It took Sungyeol few seconds to adjust what his friend just said and as he made it out, the boy tried to comply with the order though with much difficulty.
“Hold your breath for 2 seconds. Yes, that’s it. Then slowly exhale, over 5 seconds.”
The brunette did the breathing exercise for few more times under the instruction of Myungsoo, till his breath became normal again. His hands were still shaking though, and sweat was all over his face.
Myungsoo was about to go and get his friend medication, but a cold hand had wrapped around his wrist to prevent the boy from going. He looked down only to meet a pair of wet eyes stare back in pure panic.
“I wanna go home Myungsoo.”
His voice sounded so broken. Where was the usually indifferent, conceited Sungyeol? The Sungyeol in front of him looked so tiny and vulnerable, Myungsoo felt like something deep inside him just break again. It hurt him even more than the time Sungyeol said he didn’t remember him, because heck, it was the pain only Myungsoo had to suffer. Seeing someone you cared about suffer was ten times more hurtful, he dared say.
“Okay, we will go home Yeol. We will.”
He said, forcing Sungyeol to climb on his back. The boy immediately threw away his so-called manly ego as he meekly followed his friend’s order. After asking for permission from the Chief, Myungsoo took Sungyeol out of the clinic. Both boys walked in blissful silence as they headed home, Sungyeol’s still on Myungsoo’s back.
“Myungsoo ah.”
Sungyeol whispered lightly into Myungsoo’s ear. Warm breath made the boy shudder lightly, he just hoped the other didn’t notice.
“Um?”
He hummed in reply. Myungsoo felt Sungyeol’s nuzzled further into his neck as he spoke again, voice muffled and tiny and it was so hard to hear:
“My parents divorced when I was nine. My mom moved out and my dad remarried only one year later. My mom had left behind the son she always said to love him the most in this world.”
Sungyeol laughed humorlessly as he said so, but Myungsoo felt his shoulder got wet as something just dropped on it. And it wasn’t even raining.
“Actually she had had another man already, and to be worse, they even had a son who’s few years younger than me. She’s such a liar, hiding those things away from us for years… Anyway, she moved in with them after the divorce and, well, I was maybe a child at that time, but I knew everything.”
“I understand Sungyeol.”
“No, don’t talk like that Myungsoo. You don’t know.”
No, I know Sungyeol. I know how depressed you had been those old days. Myungsoo hadn’t thought the wound in the past could leave such a deep scar in Sungyeol’s heart like that. He still remembered the nights when Sungyeol’s parents had arguments. The brunette only nuzzled further into his blanket as he’s crying while holding L tight for dear life. In the day they left to the court, Sungyeol broke everything in his room, then pulled L to run away. He ran, ran, ran, and then hid in an old theater crying his eyes out. When the night fell, Sungyeol finally backed home only to find his single father in the living room. All of his mother’s belongings had gone. She’d stepped out of his life and left him like that.
“I always bore a hatred for her. How could she leave me like that? She always knows my dad doesn’t like me at all. I’m too weak to be a boy in his eyes. I heard that she went to Seoul with her new family. And I thought: ‘Screw her. Hope that her family would break then.’ I really wished that. I had wished she couldn’t have a better life after leaving me.”
“…”
“I was sent to Seoul when I was sixteen. Do you know why? My stepmother doesn’t love me at all, and neither does her son. So they sent me away out of their sight. It’s fine, I thought. It’s better, I don’t like them anyway. After I came here one year, one day my mother appeared at my doorstep.”
Myungsoo’s hold on Sungyeol’s legs got tightened as he heard the taller boy ramble. He bit his low lip so hard that it might bleed at any time, but the boy couldn’t care less. He just hoped all Sungyeol’s sorrow could be passed on to him, so he was the one to get hurt, not the brunette on his back at the moment. Sungyeol’s really light, too light to be a real person, but at the same time he was so heavy too, with all the sadness he was carrying.
“She looked so pathetic, so sad and depressed. I thought I was supposed to laugh at her, like I usually imagined when I was younger, for being in such a state. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t force out a laugh, but instead I got angry. I thought: what’s wrong with her? She was supposed to live happily ever after. What I saw wasn’t the reality I wanted at all. So I yelled at her and even chased my own mom out of my dorm.”
Sungyeol’s head leaned on Myungsoo’s shoulder as he continued talking, that time tears fell from his beautiful eyes, rolling down his cheeks to his neck, but the boy wasn’t bothered to wipe them away anymore. He was too tired already.
“Months later she died, committing suicide. She cut her wrist like the patient just coming to the hospital. I was the one who discovered her body, the image still obsesses me and every time I see something like that, I’m out of control.”
All of a sudden Myungsoo stopped walking. He looked stiffened under the streetlight, which scared Sungyeol lightly. Did he just talk about something annoyed him?
“Climb down Sungyeol.”
The hands holding Sungyeol’s legs were removed and the said boy had no other choice but to comply what the other said. Sungyeol stood in confusion behind Myungsoo till his friend turned around. He stared intensely at the brunette and wiped away all the tears on the small face with his warm, calloused palm. Only at that moment did Sungyeol realize Myungsoo’s eyes also looked really sad. His usually strong gaze was dripping with sorrow, and for some unknown reason Sungyeol felt like Myungsoo really did feel that. He was also feeling what Sungyeol had felt, had experienced, and he was trying to understand them with all his heart. There was always some sort of unspoken connection between them, they could understand what the other was feeling through eyes and the sensation alone had warmed up Sungyeol’s heart already.
Myungsoo’s hands made their way to Sungyeol’s shoulders. They lingered there for some seconds before firmly wrapped a hold tight.
“Just turn around and you will find me right behind, so don't be scared, okay?”
And to Sungyeol’s surprise, Myungsoo pulled him into a hug. Their first hug, to be more detailed.
“It will be fine, Yeol ah. It will. So please believe me.”
His voice whispered to Sungyeol. Somehow the taller felt like his eyes stung again.
Myungsoo ah, what should I do now? Why do you suddenly make things so hard like this?
With a messed up mind, Sungyeol also held Myungsoo back, two thin arms wrapped around broad shoulders. He couldn’t help but let his tears fall, again.
That night Myungsoo couldn’t sleep, not because of only Sungyeol’s depressing story but also the fact that the brunette had called L while having panic attack. The raven-haired boy needed to admit that he was very startled after hearing it, to the point that he actually felt shocked. And Sungyeol even once declined having any precious thing during his childhood. So what was the answer for his act that night then? Myungsoo didn’t think Sungyeol knew another L in his life, and it surely wasn’t a name appearing out of the blue in Sungyeol’s mind. He could have said his mother’s name, but why did he call L? Somehow Myungsoo had a feeling that Sungyeol was hiding something there. And maybe, he still had a chance?
The boy immediately sat up on his bed as the thought was absorbed into his brain, and for the first time in two months Myungsoo could feel his body tingling again with the excitement he had lost already. Yes, that’s it, what if Sungyeol still remembered L but only trying to act cool? What if L was a sensitive topic to him that he didn’t want to touch it again? In any of those cases, Myungsoo thought he still really had a chance there.
Feeling a thirst burning his throat little by little, Myungsoo stood up and opened his door to have some water. He noticed light in the kitchen was still on.
“Sungyeol?”
He asked, making a beeline to the direction. Sungyeol was standing with hand grasped onto the table, dark circles under his eyes and beads of sweat were perspiring from forehead.
“What’s wrong?”
Myungsoo placed his hand gently on Sungyeol’s shoulder, but never expected it to be pushed away. Seeing the dumbfounded, yet hurtful expression on Myungsoo’s face, the brunette could only sigh as he managed an excuse:
“Bad night; I just had a terrible headache. There’s nothing to be worried about.”
Painkilling drug soon took effect and Sungyeol could relax a little. His friend was still wearing that worried expression so he gave him a smile as a little assurance. He only smiled tightly back, taking a big gulp of water from the mug Sungyeol was holding.
“Do you want to eat ramen?”
Myungsoo asked out of the blue. Sungyeol still felt his stomach stir in pain a little but still, nodding his head in reply.
The shorter only made a bowl of ramen, knowing how little of food Sungyeol could actually eat in a meal. The said boy could eat like a bird, but he would never hesitate to try a new dish. He liked tasting food, to be exact. As Myungsoo had expected, Sungyeol only had two gulps of Ramen before sliding the bowl back to Myungsoo. Like a wordless agreement, Myungsoo took it and continued eating the remaining.
“Sungyeol.”
He called, trying to sound less anticipating by stuffing more noodles into his mouth.
“Swallow first Myungsoo. This is so not-you.”
Sungyeol made a face, pointing at the soup at the corner of Myungsoo’s mouth which made him feel very, very, very embarrassed.
“When you were having panic attack, I heard you say ‘L’. So, who’s L?”
The brunette stiffened up at the mention of L’s name. His eyes shifted to his hands placing neatly on laps, refusing to look straight into Myungsoo’s.
“It’s nothing Myungsoo. You don’t have to know.”
There, there, he was being stubborn again. Myungsoo frowned slightly, but still trying:
“Is he your ex before Sungjong?”
“No, thanks for your imagination but he isn’t.”
“So who’s he?” Myungsoo paused briefly, squeezing his brain to remember something: “The first time we met, you said I looked familiar. Was that mean I look like him?”
“Aish, why are you all of a sudden this annoying?”
Sungyeol muttered under his breath while shooting the other a dirty look. He stood up abruptly and stomped to his own room, closing the door a bit harder than usual. Myungsoo bewilderedly looked at his direction, and then at the Ramen bowl in front of him.
It would take a lot of time then, the raven-haired couldn’t help but sigh.
***
News about Sungyeol’s panic attack spread like wildfire from the hospital to the Medicine department of Yonsei University. After all it wasn’t that only Sungyeol and Myungsoo practicing there. It was surely a hot topic, students around gossiped about the news as if it were such a fine meat and Myungsoo couldn’t even blame them. About Sungyeol, as a result of “not having recovered yet from the panic disorder”, plus “lacking of professionalism”, his work was handed over to Myungsoo and he was told to “wait till you gain back your balance and our hospital will welcome you again”.
“They treated you like that just because you’re a student!”
Chanhee commented with angry tone. Sungyeol shrugged nonchalantly:
“It’s my fault anyway. If other doctors weren’t around, that patient could have died because of me.”
“Have you felt any better?”
From the couch Dongwoo asked, his voice laced with sincere concern and the brunette only nodded his head lightly. He leaned a bit on Sungjong and the kid was more than happy to be his shoulder. Sungjong’s one hand came in contact with Sungyeol’s back and stroked it in a soothing manner, he whispered into his boyfriend’s ear something and the brunette only hummed along. Myungsoo couldn’t help but notice that lately his friend had been attached to Sungjong too often and neglected him. Being free from all works at hospital gave the said boy a little time for himself, and Myungsoo felt like all his time after school was spent with Sungjong (actually it was Junhong who said that as the younger usually caught sight of Sungyeol in Sungjong’s flat, and sometimes them holding hands while leaving the building.) The brunette also slept in his old apartment with Woohyun instead of at his place. Something was definitely wrong there, but Myungsoo just couldn’t figure out why.
“Are you ignoring me?”
Myungsoo asked him few days later in the library. They were standing between biology sections, the same place where they first had a proper talk.
“No, I’m not. What makes you think so?”
Sungyeol looked up to stare at Myungsoo, eyes all calm and indifferent.
“Look, I’m totally fine with you taking over my work at the hospital. Are you seriously thinking I’m that petty? It could hurt my pride, sure, but I’m not jealous.”
“You know clearly what I’m talking about.”
That time both boys sank in awkward silence. Sungyeol stared down at the book in his hand, all of a sudden had an unusual interest with its dull cover. What the other was trying to say, it wasn’t that he didn’t understand. But he couldn’t give Myungsoo the answer he wanted. What could he say? That he got confused with his life, that his mind was a mess already, that Myungsoo should stop being around him because it made his heart ache, but at the same time filled up with many beautiful feelings he had long forgotten? It didn’t do any good for anyone, Sungyeol knew it. Tangling himself in those kind of mess, the mess of relationship, was the last thing the brunette could expect at that time. He couldn’t, shouldn’t, and had no right to have a thing for Myungsoo. It would be unfair to both of them, not to mention Sungjong. He had been unfair enough to Sungjong and the kid didn’t need more scar in his soul.
But what was going to happen in the future would still hurt him anyway.
What should Sungyeol do?
“I don’t know what you’re aiming to Myungsoo.”
Sungyeol mumbled quietly.
“Sungyeol, if you’re ignoring me because of what I had told you that night when we went home, I’m sorry, okay?”
He was sorry?
Sungyeol’s heart wrenched painfully and the boy blinked his eyes twice, trying to erase the stinging sensation there. So he didn’t mean what he had said, right? Words were only words anyway. What Myungsoo had said that night was out of Sungyeol’s expectation and he also once wished the other hadn’t said it out loud, as it hurt him and messed up his all mind, which was prepared carefully for what had been planned long ago. But he had never expected Myungsoo to say sorry.
It just hurt him even more.
“I promise you I will never trying to get in between your relationship with Sungjong, I respect both of you so don’t be worried.”
“I know you’re not that kind of person.”
The brunette inhaled sharply as he said so while making his way out of the library. It was so suffocating there, to the point Sungyeol’s afraid that he might pass out anytime soon due to lack of oxygen. His stomach started hurting, Sungyeol felt like his legs were trembling then.
“Sungyeol ah, are you okay?”
Myungsoo chased after him, voice laced with concern. He tried to wipe away the sweat on his forehead but Sungyeol had pushed his hand away. Somehow anger was stirred in him and the boy said, didn’t expect that his voice could sound that high and annoyed:
“Please, stop acting like you actually care.”
“What?”
“You have never meant what you said so what’s the point of acting like this? It annoys me you know?”
Pain swept over him and Sungyeol had to cling to the wall nearby for support. His face must turn very pale because Myungsoo standing there was looking deeply worried at him.
“You’re not okay Sungyeol.”
“I SAID I’M FINE.”
That time Sungyeol yelled at him instead. The act shocked both of them but mostly to Myungsoo. Hurt flashed through his face and all of a sudden the brunette felt so regretful. He had never intended to yell at him or say something cruel, Sungyeol just didn’t want Myungsoo to see him in such a state, looking all vulnerable and hurt. The problem wasn’t his pride anymore, but because he was scared that all the caring action Myungsoo gave could push him deeper and deeper into the web of a certain feeling Sungyeol didn’t have a right to harbor anymore.
Myungsoo didn’t say anything; instead he took Sungyeol’s wrist in his hand and started walking. The brunette tried to break the hold, but the stern look on Myungsoo’s face as he turned around, plus the pain in his stomach didn’t let him do so. Sungyeol didn’t have another choice except following the other obediently, biting back the awful pain creeping up over his stomach.
The college infirmary was deserted when they came, probably because everyone had gone out for lunch already. The sight of an angry Myungsoo scared Sungyeol and the brunette actually think he shouldn’t talk anymore for the sake of his life. But still, the boy asked with timid voice:
“Can you get me some water?”
Myungsoo released Sungyeol’s wrist to find him water. The brunette felt a bit lost and unsteady at the sudden lack of their skin contact, as the grip was so painful, but at the same time felt so warm. Myungsoo’s grip was the only thing supporting Sungyeol all the way, but as soon as it disappeared the boy had to cling to the bed sheet nearby in order to stand properly. It hurt a lot, but he couldn’t show it to anyone especially Myungsoo.
After taking the painkillers he always carried around with the water Myungsoo brought back, slowly the pain started wearing off. Sungyeol, still in a daze aftermath, didn’t know how and when, but eventually Myungsoo had found a way to have him sit down on a bed nearby. He eyed suspiciously at the pills in Sungyeol’s wallet and the brunette had to hide them quickly, feigning innocent as much as he could.
“I’m on medication due to some minor stomach troubles.”
It didn’t seem like Myungsoo actually bought what Sungyeol explained, but he said nothing at all. His sharp eyes trailed to Sungyeol’s wrist he had held before, seeing trace of his own fingers still printed clearly on the porcelain skin, leaving behind red marks. He must have pulled him really hard. The boy couldn’t help the sigh escape from his lips as he took Sungyeol’s wrist in his hands, stroking it soothingly like he wanted to wipe away all the trace of his strong grip.
“A doctor needs to be healthy.”
Myungsoo muttered under his breath, but still loudly enough for Sungyeol to hear.
“I know.”
“Sorry Yeol.”
“For someone always acting cool like you, saying sorry too much seems to be out of character huh?”
“Comparing to your coldness, I don’t think mine is considerable.”
Sungyeol knew it was an accusation, but instead of finding something to snap back, the boy kept silent. He did nothing except watching Myungsoo draw circles on the skin of his wrist by fingertips, the silence they sunk in that time wasn’t awkward anymore but more comfortable and soothing, and for some mere seconds Sungyeol had wished they could stay still, in that situation, forever.
“Sungyeol ah, remember this, I may feel sorry because what I said confused you, but I’m not taking back what I have promised, ‘kay? Whatever happens, even when you try to chase me away, I will still stand behind you.”
The sound of Myungsoo quiet voice made its way into Sungyeol’s heart. Couldn’t stand it anymore looking at the other, Sungyeol turned his head to stare outside the window. Warm sunshine of late May was radiated through the air, the brunette heard sounds of laughter echoing faintly from the grand yard.
Though hating to admit it, but Sungyeol knew for sure that in the future there wasn’t only Sungjong but also Myungsoo getting hurt because of him.
***
The May came to an end meant going out and having fun, at least to a hyperactive first year like Lee Byunghun. But to both senior and fourth year student, the nightmare of being failed in final term exam was still hanging over them and there was no way to get out except trying to squeeze as much as possible all text books into their tiny heads. That reasoned why Dongwoo and Woohyun hardly ate dinner at the café recently, having claimed a temporary spot in library. Chanhee was also there, the head boy only wanted to make sure that no one would beat him to his first place in third year. Sungyeol and Myungsoo sometimes joined the two, but usually they just borrowed reference books and studied in their flat (Myungsoo wanted to call it like that, though it’s only him who was the permanent resident there). Two boys sat around kitchen table studying, or sometimes Sungyeol suggested moving to the carpet floor in living room. In the second case, books would be scattered messily on the floor and it was Sungyeol who always fell asleep first. Myungsoo could just move the taller into his bedroom, but after contemplating for a while, he decided to rest Sungyeol’s head on his laps comfortably (though his legs surely would go numb, but who cared?)
The dark-haired boy noticed his friend seemed to be a bit more tired than usual, all pale skin and skinny wrists. Lately Sungyeol sometimes even perspired cold sweats at nights, and all Myungsoo could do was using tissues wiping them away as gently as he could, being afraid of waking the other up. He was quite a light sleeper, unlike Myungsoo. The shorter boy couldn’t help but chuckle at the comparison, and without thinking he had leaned over to place a small kiss on Sungyeol’s forehead. His callous fingers lingered, before resting them on Sungyeol’s soft ones. Myungsoo frowned a bit at a scar on Sungyeol’s back hand as memories from the past stirred in mind, but soon smiled faintly at the thought of Sungyeol’s innocent sleeping face as he went back to read the anatomy book in his left hand.
One afternoon, Byunghun literally dragged Chanhee from the library while calling others to come over the soccer pitch in campus. Sungjong wasn’t there, Myungsoo heard Woohyun say something like Sungyeol had threatened the younger to stay at home and study; the boy was about to take his entrance exam next year. Byunghun of course wasn’t fond of the fact at all, but it was Sungyeol who decided so the younger could only shut up and no more protest. Dongwoo looked dead tired than the last time Myungsoo saw him, which was almost a week ago.
Howon looked at Byunghun like the younger just grew another head as he heard him whine about them playing soccer together and Myungsoo could totally understand what the senior was thinking. Who wanted to play soccer on a pitch under the heat of May, seriously? The freshman looked like he could literally cling to Sungyeol’s leg at any time, and the older had no other choice but agree with him after fifteen minutes. Woohyun looked hesitant a bit, staring down at the white shirt he was wearing and all of a sudden Dongwoo pushed him over the ground. The older boy gave out a not-so-manly yelp and chased his buddy around the area.
There were seven players, but Myungsoo normally didn’t like soccer at all so the other six split into two groups easily. Dongwoo tried to get the brunette in his team. Anyway, Byunghun was quicker as he pushed Chanhee stumble to the other side. The dino of course wasn’t happy at all till Woohyun joined him, the senior might hate exercise but he was pretty quick. That made Howon in the same side with Byunghun and Sungyeol.
Myungsoo watched from a random audience row as the six boys play on court. The feeling many years ago in the past came back, that time stronger than ever as he stared at Sungyeol run around kicking soccer ball. Whenever the brunette was allowed to play football with kids in his age back in Busan, he would hide L in his backpack, only let it unzipped a bit so his little friend might watch him play. It felt like many, many, many years ago already… The dark-haired felt like Sungyeol and Dongwoo might have played with each other many times before, as the taller seemed to know much about how the other would play, where he would strike or defend. Sungyeol didn’t run fast, he seemed a bit exhausted but he knew his rival well. Plus with Howon’s quick reaction and the brain of a wicked from Byunghun, they made a good team. Their only audience couldn’t help his grins, sometimes even laughs, all the time as he watched Dongwoo rub hair in frustration while Woohyun and Chanhee almost tripped over each other.
They played the first mini match till Sungyeol quickly excused himself while making way toward the restroom. His face looked pale all of a sudden, Myungsoo sensed something wrong as he watched his friend disappear and was about to follow, but Byunghun had thrown a tantrum and pulled him to join. Having never played soccer before, the older surely didn’t know how to play; his long legs were pretty useless there. Chanhee laughed every time he tripped, but immediately shut up as the said boy threw a warning glare. Byunghun seemed to be embarrassed as he hadn’t goaled since the second math started. They played till late afternoon, all out of breath with Dongwoo’s team won over. Lying on the ground breathlessly, Myungsoo noticed Sungyeol had just come back to the court after almost two hours, sitting right at the same spot Myungsoo claimed before. Their eyes met and the brunette stiffened a laugh, which made him embarrassed to death.
Byunghun had made Myungsoo and Sungyeol as their new targets. There was an indoor swimming pool nearby, the older didn’t know when but somehow Chanhee had tackled him on the ground and all of a sudden he was thrown into the water, and he was more than sure that there weren’t only Byunghun and his older fellow, but also Dongwoo’s team. The boy let out a manly (he thought) shrike while trying to not be drown in the pool.
“What’s that for?”
He said, trying to sound at least angry. Myungsoo must look funny enough as his friends only laughed in response. He heard a yelp and then water splashed everywhere. Dongwoo’s laughter rang loudly than ever and Myungsoo saw next to him, also being drowned in the pool, was no other than Sungyeol.
“That’s what you get for sucking at football. And Sungyeol huyng, why did you leave us like that?”
Byunghun yelled while Woohyun stuck his tongue out as usual. Howon grinned widely while stretching his hand out for Sungyeol as an attempt to help, having no idea that himself might be the second victim till he was pulled into the water by a certain brunette. The third was Dongwoo as he was leaned on his boyfriend and didn’t notice at all the danger coming from his innocent dongsaeng.
“You are all clumsy old men.”
Byunghun laughed like a maniac and Myungsoo caught his leg. That time it was Chanhee and Woohyun’s turn to laugh at the younger’s hilarious face, but they all soon cried in despair as the said boy tried to push them over.
Myungsoo’s glad he still had some clothes to change as he stood in the changing room with others. As soon as he was about to take off his shirt, an alarm rang in mind and the boy stood awkwardly in front of his locker, new shirt in hand. He darted his eyes around, everyone was almost done changing already. Sungyeol was having his back against him, but it was better as Myungsoo didn’t think it would be a good idea if he saw the bare torso of his flat mate. The brunette had done for a while and was making his way out with Woohyun, bag hanging loosely on shoulder.
“Hyung, why don’t you change?”
Chanhee asked out of the blue. Myungsoo’s snapped back to the reality, noticing four pairs of eyes looking over him in pure curiosity.
“I’m a bit taken away, that’s all. You guys go out first and wait for me a bit, okay?”
“Hyung, don’t tell me that you’re embarrassed of changing in front of us.”
Byunghun teased. Myungsoo only threw at him a warning glare, but it didn’t dampen the younger boy at all.
“Take your time Myungsoo, we can wait at the grand entrance.”
As Howon stated, gradually they all left the changing room till there was only Myungsoo left behind. The boy took a deep breath as he threw himself on a bench, before with a swift movement removing the upper garment covering his torso. Late afternoon sunbeam flowed into the small space in a lazy manner, bathing the boy in a sickeningly fade light and he watched the sign once sewn on his right arm, which read Sungyeol.
When the brunette was still small, others were always teasing him by taking L away, to the point Sungyeol got really angry and pleaded his mother to sew his name on the doll so no one would touch it. Of course, it didn’t prevent the kids at all, but sometimes it was convenient as one tried to steal L away but the right owner had proof showing that the doll was really his.
Myungsoo touched the sign lightly. As he became a human, the name wasn’t sewn by needle anymore, it looked rather like a tattoo. A permanent, obvious tattoo that Myungsoo could, and would never try to erase. His fingers trailed to other stitches across his stomach and shoulder blade. When Sungyeol was fourteen, his stepbrother threw L to a fierce dog living in their neighborhood. That time although being scared to death, Sungyeol still fought with the dog for his toy. Of course, both L and Sungyeol had many injuries; the scar on the brunette’s back hand was only one of them. Sungyeol was scratched by that creature badly, blood couldn’t stop flowing but he still kept L close to his chest till his father came. The boy was scolded and grounded for weeks, but he didn’t cry at all. He only cried later that night while mending L in his room, alone.
He was contemplating whether showing them, especially the tattoo, to Sungyeol or not, as it might freak the other out. What if he thought Myungsoo was an obsessive? But it was the only way he could persuade his friend. Plus, wasn’t it that Myungsoo looked exactly like L? It might make some senses…
His train of thought was interrupted again, that time was by a creak from the door. Myungsoo’s guts twitched lightly as he realized the others didn’t close the door before they left. He put on his new shirt and looked around again to make sure things were fine, relaxing a bit as he recalled hearing nothing else before that.
Or to be detailed, he was too caught up in the memories to notice anything.
When Myungsoo reached their destination, Sungyeol was nowhere to be seen.
“Where’s Sungyeol?”
The raven-haired whispered to Howon while they making their way to the café. The shorter shrugged nonchalantly:
“He said he forgot his textbook so he needed to find it at the court, and then later calling us said that there’re some problems and he needed to see Sungjong.”
“What problems?”
“I don’t know. But his voice sounded shocked.”
Does Byunghun know? Myungsoo wondered, but the clueless expression that certain first year was having told him that he also had no idea about those things. Something uncomfortable stirred deep in Myungsoo’s guts and he tried to swallow them down.
That night Myungsoo dreamt about the day he was thrown away. Sungyeol had placed him neatly on his bed and gone out for a while, before a shadow came over and took him away. A bark of cruel laughs echoed in his mind as Sungyeol’s stepbrother threw him into the trash bin.
“It must be funny seeing that faggot crying over you.”
He heard. Myungsoo wanted to scream out for help, wanted to escape from that disgusting pair of hands, but nothing came out from his mouth and all his limbs went numb. Myungsoo felt like crying, but he had never cried and could never cry, because dolls didn’t have hearts. He watched in despair as darkness enveloped his cloth body, and he continued falling, falling deeply into that abyss, no way to escape. Nothing caught him anymore. Even Sungyeol that time couldn’t help him anymore…
Something cold held Myungsoo’s hand and the said boy woke up with a jerk, only to find Sungyeol standing next to the couch where he was lying, clothes all wet. Thunders crashed and it was pouring with rain, but Sungyeol’s hand which was holding Myungsoo’s were trembling more than ever. The shorter took a glance at the clock hanging on the wall.
It was 2AM already.
“Why did you come home that late Sungyeol? Have we talked before that you have to call me if you go home late? And I told you already to bring along an umbrella.”
Myungsoo’s really upset that time, but all his emotion died down little by little as Sungyeol only stared at him intensely with glassy eyes. The brunette looked like he could cry at any moment, and for some seconds all Myungsoo’s angriness were replaced with worries. All he wanted to do was actually reach out to wipe away Sungyeol’s tears. They stayed the same in silence for like a decade, before the taller boy breathed out
“Myungsoo, can I hug you?”
Myungsoo almost froze at the sudden words. He bit his bottom lip lightly but eventually nodded his head.
Sungyeol squeezed him in a tight hug while hiding his face at the crook of Myungsoo’s neck. The boy sobbed, hot tears slipping from his doe eyes and wetted his friend’s shoulder. His whole body trembled violently, it made Myungsoo feel like a wave of overwhelming emotions were washing through him and they must be kept down for too long, because there was no way Sungyeol could cry his eyes out like that if it weren’t over something he had to suffer long ago.
“Yeo ah, what’s wrong? Tell me.”
But Sungyeol only shook his head in reply, tears still rolled down his cheeks.
Later Sungyeol fell asleep next to Myungsoo on the couch. Their bodies pressed warmly together and the brunette held his friend tight.
>>