(no subject)
Title: True Life
Author: diru69
Chapter: 11/whatthefuckIdunno
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own Toshiya because Kyo does.
Summary: "I looked at him deeply, straight in the eyes, like I was digging further and further inside his mind. The weird thing is, I understood what he meant by doing that, summing it up into one tiny word that he had made outstanding by putting a real meaning behind it. I got it... yet I asked him what he meant anyway."
A/N: Yup, I've risen from the dead. zomGod. I have a cold right now... yes, in the FUCKING summer, I have a cold. >.> sooo, yeah. I'm outta school now and shit, finally, so things should be just fan-frigging-tastic for me once this cold leaves. ^^ COMMENT, HOES! >:D
"So you dropped another one, huh? This is what.... the 24th girl?" Toshiya said on the other line of the phone. "I don't know, I stopped counting at 19." I said, laying back onto the sofa as I sighed with exasperation. It was early January. A lot had changed. I dated more than a dozen girls, in a frenzied attempt to forget about Aya. It worked, but it stemmed new problems. I had to be careful, I didn't want these relationships to get too deep. That meant if I felt like the I-or the girl- was beginning to stand too close to the line between just dating and falling in love, I broke up. It was fine at first, when I was mostly just dating girls for a sexual relationship. But then I started wanting more companionship... And that's when it started getting harder to time things right, before someone got hurt. It hadn't been a pleasant half year. And that wasn't the only reason why... La Sadies was actually starting to get more popular. We were actually able to release our latest song as a single. That made Kaoru say things like "I think we're on the right track, we just need to progress from here." and "Good job, everyone! I think this is a new beginning for us." Nothing wrong with that, it was just encouragment. But to Kisaki, it was like he was stealing his words from him, like he was supposed to be saying those things. It shouldn't have been a big deal, but it pissed him off to no end for some reason.
Everyone reacted to Kaoru's words, saying harmless things that were taken the wrong way by Kisaki. "You're really good at bringing us together, it's a good thing we have you around, or we'd be in Hell!" Kisaki took it as a threat to his status as leader. He loved being in control too much to let Kaoru have this much effect on everyone else. I couldn't care less, but he did, so he started spouting crap that he probably thought sounded like good decisions. "Let's take what popularity we have now, and change music style! It'll throw everyone off and they'll think we sound totally new and fresh." He said one day. Everyone in the room stared at him blankly. "But that wouldn't make sense." Kaoru pointed out. "We've just found out what really fits us when it comes to this sub-genre of music, why would we want to start from the beginning again?" He was being totally reasonable. But it made Kisaki's face drop. I should've kept my mouth shut, but my honesty got the better of that ability. "I don't want to change music styles... I'd feel like I was being a sell-out, if that's the only reason I'd be doing it. I feel comfortable with what we're doing now." And then I said the words I knew Kisaki would hate. Why? My God I don't know. I should've known that I was poking the bear with a stick. "I agree with Kaoru." Kisaki's eyes burned like fire.
"You say that you don't want to be a sell out, and yet you're agreeing with someone who constantly obsesses over gaining fame and nothing else? Don't you think you're contradicting yourself?" He spat out in my direction. I could see where this might lead, and I wasn't in the mood for a fight... "Calm down Kisaki. I'm just-" "How dare you say that I'm just in it for fame?! There's a difference between wanting to be known for the sole purpose of gaining money and wanting fans just because you're some egoistic attention whore, and wanting recognition because you want your band's voice to be heard so that your music can be shared with other people!" Kisaki let his head tip backward as he rolled his eyes, as though his pupils were made of lead and were weighing his head down as he moved them. "Yeah, because we all know you're the latter." He said in a stuck up manner, voice drenched in sarcasm. Everyone's eyes shot toward Kaoru, monitoring his reaction. Die gripped his wrist, looking at the other guitarist-who was glaring intensly at Kisaki-warningly. "You bitch." He growled. "You really should get yourself checked out, it's not a good sign when you start talking to yourself." Kisaki said indignantly. Kaoru might've shot his fist at the impudant bassist, but Die kept a firm grip on him. "Kaoru, just cool it." He said through gritted teeth.
Had this been a different day and time, no matter what Kisaki said, Kaoru wouldn't have even so much as thought about hitting him. But everyone was so high strung, ready to snap under the tension. Die didn't feel like seeing or having a fight either, by the looks of it. It probably didn't look like it, but I could tell Shinya was as tense as anyone else in here. He kept a straight face though, and addressed the mess waiting to happen, A.K.A Kisaki and Kaoru, as smoothly as he could. "He's right. Just break it up, guys, come on. Everyone's just a little stressed." He gave a weak smile, but his eyes darted nervously from face to face with worry. Kaoru and Kisaki turned away and made sure their backs were facing each other. I pinched the bridge of my nose in defeat and put the tip of my pen to the rumpled paper on the coffee table before me. But they were at it again not more than a half hour later. Kisaki starting it, of course. I got up and grabbed the aspirin from my bag, the aspirin I knew I'd need since the moment I'd woke up. They argued back and forth thorughout the day as I sat by idly, writing on the paper that was half filled with the black ink bars that covered the words I felt didn't fit. They glared at each other when they thought no one was watching, when we were all eating lunch.
I rested my chin on my palm in a bored fashion as I chewed on the contents of my bento box, all while Kisaki griped and bitched about Kaoru to me. Dear God... why me? I thought as he babbled on and on about him. I couldn't have been happier to get home. I thought and thought about what we really should be doing at this point. We did need a change. Not in music... maybe we needed to move. It would be a little easier if we could just find a place in Tokyo, where we could do underground lives in a more youth-oriented area. We were becoming more publicly known, but we couldn't get anything through popular sources of media just yet. If we started there though, and performed lives to support the single released the month before, maybe we could get somewhere. The audience we're aiming for is all there... I talked to eveyone about it the next day. Kisaki looked like he was thinking, but the second Kaoru expressed his approval, he suddenly opposed it completely. "That's ridiculous, Kyo. Why should we go to the trouble of moving!? I like it here, and what if it's just the same over there as it is here?"
"At least my point has some reasoning behind it." I mumbled below my breath. "What was that?" Kisaki demanded. We were friends, but he was slowly chewing on my nerves. He needed to stop taking that tone of voice, as though he were the God of this world and "none shall defy the him". Give me a break. "You ask us to do something as mindless and drastic as changing our music style completely, and yet you get all extreme about me suggesting something that could potentially help us." I sighed, moving over to the round table to set my stuff down. "I'm getting so tired of everyone acting like this toward me!" Kisaki yelled. I turned around and looked at him, eyes slightly wider. "Kisaki, what're you talking about?" He looked like a ticking , black and red time bomb about to blow. "Everything that comes up, we disagree on! Everyone else is somewhere different than me!" I creased my forehead in confusion. "...Uh, don't you think you're overreacting a bit?" He threw his fists down at his side, as though he had his arms fastened to his sides tightly. "No, I'm not! It's not just about this, Kyo!" He said, waving his arms in the air frantically to emphasize the word "this", "No one listens to me! Ever! And I'm supposed to be the leader of this band!" I cocked an eyebrow in question.
"I think what you meant to say was we're the leaders. You and me." Kisaki looked like he'd just thought of something. "Yeah, that's exactly what I meant! But Kyo, don't you get it?! Kaoru is the one always trying to be in control, even though it was agreed that we're supposed to supervise things!" I gave him a warning look. "Don't try to change the topic and put this on Kaoru when it's your anger management problem we're dealing with right now. This is a band, not a monarchy, even if we are the leaders, it's not like no one gets a say in what we do and don't do. All Kaoru has done for this band is help keep us stabalized, and all he's doing now is giving me his input on my suggestion." Die looked up from where he sat on the floor with his things. "Hey, Kyo's right, this is all of our decision, not just Kisaki's... Raise your hand if you agree we should move to Tokyo." He said, raising his hand. Inturn, Kaoru, Shinya and I raised our hands as well, all of us looking expectantly at Kisaki-who I was trying desperately to keep patient with. "Sorry, man. Looks like you're out-voted. If we're gonna move, there's no point wasting time here. We should-" "I'm not going." Kisaki cut me off. I sighed and lowered my hand along with everyone else. "Kisaki, we're all deciding on this together. I'm sorry if you don't want to go, but this is a group thing. So we're going to-" "I'm not going!" He said a little more loudly and defiantly. God, he was being a stubborn bitch.
My eyes flared. "Why not?" I said calmly, taking a deep breath so that I wouldn't lose it on him. "Because I don't want to. It's as simple as that." He said, crossing his arms and sticking his nose up, closely resembling a bratty little child. "It's not your choice alone, we're in this together, and four out of five of us said we're moving. So guess the fuck what? We're moving. I told you, we're doing this as a group, so stop being selfish and suck it up." I said through my gritted teeth. Kisaki swung around to face me, obviously trying to look dramatic. "Then I don't want to be part of the group anymore." He said, rolling his eyes. I glared at him, hardly being able to stand him when he was like this. If he didn't get his way, he always turned into this. I'd put up with it thus far, but over time it was wearing my nerves down and this really broke the straw on the camel's back. He was threatening to leave so that I would tell him "Fine, we won't move!" and beg for him to stay. The only reason he was being like this is because regardless of whether or not this was good decision on our behalf, his pride-which had just been ruined by Kaoru the second I stood up for him- wouldn't allow him to call a truce and go with it. Do you really think you're so important? You know how serious I am about this, so do you honestly think I'll just roll over for you after you just attempted to pull something like that? If you really cared about this band, you'd never say that. You're worth nothing.
I smiled in a way that made Kisaki worried. "Fine with me. Just walk out that door and you can do whatever the fuck you want." Kisaki looked suprised. He didn't expect me to say that, is that it? Things didn't go like he thought they would. His look turned angry and I assume he mistook the smile on my face to be comical. A misinterpretation. He never was good at reading me right, though. "I'm being serious, Kyo, I'll leave! I'll really do it, I'm not kidding!" I dropped the smile, trying to make it easier to get the message across. "Neither am I." I shot back. Kisaki's eyes narrowed, and for a flash of a second, I could hear his eyes screaming "You'll come after me." I tried to say "No I won't." but he ran out of the studio before anything else could be spoken. Kaoru snickered, obviously finding Kisaki's Drama Queen act as funny as I did. Shinya's look was halfway between worry and relief, as though he wasn't sure which one he should've been feeling, and Die just gaped in astoundment. "Kyo, what the fuck?!" He practically bellowed. God, who knew his voice could sound like that when he tried? "What?" I asked, lost. "Well, in case you haven't noticed, you just tossed our only bassist out!" He yelled at me. "We still haven't put out 'Lu-ciel', and that should earn us our pay, so for now, we don't have any financial problems. I don't see what the big deal is." I muttered.
"And what about after that?! And this isn't just about money, Kyo, Kisaki was a part of this group, and now that he's gone, we aren't 'us' anymore!" Kaoru laughed bitterly, making Die face him. "You obviously missed something when you were watching what just happened. Kyo didn't throw Kisaki out. Kisaki chose to leave, by himself. We aren't all that important to him if he didn't even think twice about leaving." Die's mouth opened and closed a couple times, trying to think of what to say. But he knew it was true. Kisaki was the one person who didn't belong here, and it wasn't even because we wouldn't let him fit, it was because he intentionally chose not to. "Don't be stupid. We're not about to break up over one narcisistic, self-centered jerk. We'll just have to go on without him. We're better than that." Die took Kaoru's words in, thinking carefully. I looked down, a bit embarassed at what I was about to say. "I've been in a lot of bands so far..." started. "But we would always fight after a while over something. Eventually, one of us would leave, and when that happened, we all just decided that it was time to split and give up, move on and find other people to play with. But I don't want that to happen to us. You're different from the people in my past. I actually like you guys, and you come as close to thinking like me as anyone ever will. I don't want to throw you away, now that I'm finally happy."
It was silent for a while, but I didn't want to see their faces. I didn't like getting personal, face to face. That's what my lyrics were for. I could let out everything there, and be Kyo. But I didn't like being like that directly, I didn't like being Tooru Nishimura, bare of a stage name, an alias... It was too awkard. "We can always just find another bassist, you know." I said , acting like I didn't say anything that I had just before. "I have to warn you though, I'm going to be really picky." Kaoru grinned. "Same here. No half-assed bassists this time." Shinya giggled, and everyone looked back at him, a little suprised that he had just laughed at Kaoru's insult toward Kisaki. Maybe he didn't like him as much as we thought he had. I smiled wide. We could have a totally clean start. We'd be moving to a new place, getting a new bassist... We'd have a new name. As much as I hated to admit it, this really wasn't to be the same band without Kisaki. We'd be something else, without him, and that meant we'd need a new identity. We could change the style a bit, maybe we could be a little more heavy visual, like
X-Japan. There were a lot of options open, actually. I smiled widely as a thought crossed my mind. "Kaoru?" I said, carefully letting my tongue roll over each sound of his name slowly, like a toddler learning how to speak. I looked at me in acknowledgment and nodded curiously at my tone.
"Ah, god, I can't believe I'm saying this, because it'll probably wear me out, with the way you run things... But I think it'd be for the best... If you were our band leader." I admitted. Kaoru looked at me for a moment. "Really?" I looked at Die and Shinya, smiling. "You guys are fine with that, right?" Die shrugged his shoulders. "What's the difference? He already leads us." Kaoru scratched the back of his head. "So... That's why Kisaki was mad, huh?" Shinya massaged his temples gentley. "He's a control freak. Of course that's what it was about." He said softly. Die laughed. "As if you can talk!" Die laughed. Shinya glared in response, but his femininity took away the intensity of he stare. "From now on, Kaoru is Leader-sama!" Die smiled, ignoring Shinya. Kaoru smiled back, but it was more devilsish and menacing. "I suggest you go home then. Starting tomorrow, you're gonna work as though you're my indentured servants." Oh god... I made a huge mistake, didn't I? I half-joked to myself. I took our new leader's advice and headed home early. I settled in, thinking about what we would do to find someone that would fill the gap left by our former bassist. I really fucking didn't feel like holding auditions or some shit like that. I groaned at the thought as I opened a can of lemon soda, fresh and cold from the fridge, and sunk into my sofa.
Oh well... I decided not to think about it. Or at least I tried not to think about it. I tried to focus on the T.V, but then I remembered that I hated everything I got on cable because even with over a hundred channels, there was nothing to watch. So I tried to focus on something small, like how crisp my drink was or how the tenant above me seriosuly needed to fix his or her shower, because the left corner of my ceiling, which wasn't too far in proximation to the very sofa I sat in, was beginning to mold from leaking to much. But have you ever just had something on your mind that wasn't an urgent matter or anything, but you just kept wondering about it anyway? We weren't well known enough to ask someone from a popular, recently split band to join us, an you don't really hear about the lesser known bands, obviously... But we were popular enough that if we said we were holding auditions, too many people would show up and we would be spending weeks going through the list of people trying out... Shit. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. I got up and sighed in defeat, making my way toward my bathroom. Maybe taking a shower would relax my mind. The faucet squeaked as I turned the round knob and let lukewarm water spill onto my body.
I spent a long time soaking, maybe about forty five minutes... My message machine made an distant annoying beeping sound that my ears picked up the second I walked out of my steamy bathroom, yellow towel wrapped around my waist. Someone must've called me. I walked into my bedroom, and looked at the digital number "1" that appeared in red on the machine before pressing the tip of my finger down on the play button to hear it. "Hey, Kyo!" It was Kaoru. "I was thinking about what we're gonna do about getting a bassist. So I was thinking really hard because I'm sure by now you've realized the how hard it's actually going to be finding a bassist without overexerting ourselves, and I have an idea! I talked to everyone Die and I left Shinya a message because he didn't pick up either... Listen, trust me on this, I have a plan. Bring a suitcase with you tomorrow, with enough clothes to last you about two weeks aaaand whatever else you wanna bring. Toothbrush and comb, obviously... But just bring your stuff! I'll explain the rest tomorrow!" What? What was that all about? Oh my god... He wasn't planning on having us basically live at the studio, was he? No, that didn't make sense. Still, wonder why I had to pack a bag.
~+~+~+~
"Alright," I said sleepily as I lugged my suitcase into the studio half-heartedly. "I brought it. So why did I-well, we- pack suitcases for two weeks?" Kaoru half-smiled at me, sitting on top of his big, rectangular, brown luggage bag. "We're going to Nagano." He announced. I blinked. "What?" Kaoru's smile spread across his entire lips. "And we're going to be staying in a cheap hotel. 'We' as in me, Die, and Shinya." I blinked again. "...What?" I repeated. Die and Shinya also looked confused. Wait, then why was I here, with my bag... Kaoru seemed to read my mind and answered my unasked questions for me. "You're going to be sleeping over at Toshiya's for the next half month." By this time, his smile was so big it manifested the entire lower half of his face. "C'mon, guys. I'll put your stuff in my car's trunk, we'll talk about it on the way to the train station. And the ride won't be too long, don't worry, we're riding a bullet train. Those suckers go two hundred and seventy five miles per hour." I blinked for the third time that early morning. ".........What?" I said... again. We followed him anyway, all of us curious (maybe a little scared, too.) about what he had in store for us. We set down our bags, and Kaoru threw the larger ones in first before carefully placing the smaller bags on top. Die rode in the front with Kaoru, while Shinya and I got into the back. There was a comfortable amount of space, for the middle seat was empty between us.
Kaoru stopped by a fast food resturaunt to pick up some breakfast for all us. "Here you go." He said, handing me my order last. I gave a lost and beyond confused look. "What is it?" Kaoru asked, still turned toward me in his seat and holding out my bag of food. "Just waiting for you to explain what's going on..." I reminded him, taking the food from his waiting hands. His happy expression returned again and he turned around to face the wheel so that he could pull away from the drive-thru. "Well, we need a bassist, right?" I frowned. "You already mentioned that in the message. Please get to the point." I muttered. I could see him roll his eyes at me in the rear view mirror. "So, haven't you made the connection yet? We're going to Nagano, and we need a bassist." When he put it in front of me like that, I realized exactly what was going on. Shinya did too, the two of us exchanging glances. "Kaoru," Shinya said, "Toshiya is already in a band." Kaoru shook his head. "I already know that. But he's the only one we can accept." I looked at him for a short moment. "Elaborate. You've lost me." Die turned toward his fellow guitarist. "You're really planning on trying to get Toshiya to join us?" Kaoru unwrapped his double cheeseburger with one hand and steered with the other. "You guys heard him play. He's fucking amazing. And he's the only one that we know for sure is great, and he's fairly available."
I smacked my forehead with the palm of my hand. "I know he's great at bass, but he's anything but available, Kaoru. He already has his own band, so how the fuck does that make him available?" Shinya shifted, inching back and forth until he found a comfortable position to rest in. "I know how." he said, "You want to convince him to leave his band for us." Kaoru nodded his head. "What? Are you kidding me? How are we going to do that?" I asked our supposedly level-headed new leader. "That's where you come in." Kaoru grinned back at me. I huffed. "Why me?" The car made a wide left turn, making everyone sway to the left side of the car a little. "Everytime I saw him with you, you two seemed to get along fine. You seem like you're pretty good friends. And besides, you're persuasive. I know this might be a bit of a tricky mission, but unless you have a better idea, we're forced to stick with this. Kyo, do you remember how he sounded? Where else are we going to find that kind of talent right in front of us? I know he's in another band already, but it can't hurt to at least try." Damn... he was right, though. This was the only way we'd ever get someone with as much skill and potential as Toshiya. I played back the sound of him performing for me, that day when we were alone, and it made me think this could work. If I really, really wanted something, my chances of getting it were always higher.
Still, this was going to be hard. How are you supposed to go about convincing someone to leave their own band? I thought about it more though, and I came across a realization: Toshiya was the only one I wanted to be with us. I didn't have any other choice than to get him to join us, join me. It wouldn't be the same playing with another bassist, it didn't even feel playing right with Kisaki, he didn't lose himself in the music likeToshiya and I do. So there was no other choice... Getting Toshiya was the only possiblity for me. Period. I looked out the window of Kaoru's car, thinking hard about what I'd say, and when and how I'd say it. The car rolled along for about another fifteen minutes before we got to the train station. We made our way through all the crowds and lines, money-recieving machines and ticket dispensers, escalators and steel-walled structures... My arm was beginning to hurt when, fortunately, we got to the baggage drop-off. All that was left to do now was get on the train with my other bandmates. The inside of the train would be packed pretty soon, but we'd ran here so that we'd have a place to sit before the other busy passengers made their way to the black and white bullet train. A few other people had the same idea. One of them was an elderly, conservative lady who stared in question at Shinya's solid bright orange hair.
It wasn't long before everyone rushed themselves in crowd formation to the train. I was wedged between Shinya and Kaoru, Die pressed closely against our drummer even though no one had taken the seat next to him yet. The porter's voice came on, telling us through the speakers that the train was about to depart, the train moving shortly after. My breath picked up considerably and Shinya noticed my paling face. "Kyo, you okay?" he asked worriedly. I nodded and swallowed, looking down at my lap. Bullet trains work by repelling off of the rails with strong electromagnets, so bullet trains basically levitate... and the uneasy motion made me a little sick feeling. It wouldn't be bad the entire ride, but I'd take have to take a few moments to get used to it. Shinya was too tired to argue, he said he'd been busy lately. Within a few short moments, both he and Die were fast asleep. By then, I'd gotten over my temorary motion sickness. Kaoru, who was still awake, looked down at me. "Thinking about Toshiya-kun?" His voice made me look up at him. "Hm? Oh... that..... Yeah." Kaoru made a slight shrugging motion with his shoulders. "Don't worry, I believe in you. A pointer though.... Be sure to ask him about how it is in his band. If he's thinking about leaving, it makes things that much easier." I thought about how it was being with the people in this band, how close we were. "Kaoru, what he isn't thinking about leaving? He could be really happy where he is. And what about his band memebers? They're all close friends. It seems low, stealing their friend like that."
Kaoru's eyes softened. "If that's how it is, we'll just have to find another bassist. I just really had my hopes set on him in particular... so I figured we should at least see." I looked back where my gaze was before, at the scenary zipping by outside the train's windows. "I know... me too. But I don't want to put anyone at a disadvantage." Kaoru looked where I was looking. "...Yeah." he commented absentmindedly. I was lulled to sleep by the relaxing view of snow falling down, no rickety-rackety rails for the train to ride and bump over to jostle me awake. My head nodded, my eyes fell shut. When I woke up, it was to Die shaking me gently into consciousness. I looked up, and noticed Kaoru and Shinya were standing as well. Strangers by the dozens were filing out of the doors of the train, happy to not be packed up in a tight space like sardines in a tin can. I nodded and stood, following the crowd that sucked me up. I stumbled a bit as we all made our way to the baggage claim together, getting knocked into by more than just a couple people. I was used to it by now, though... The bustle of cities and the rude people that usually tread the ground inside them. "Guys, Toshiya-kun is waiting just outside. He doesn't know that anyone except Kyo is here. So we need to wait here for a little while before stepping out. Kyo, good luck." Kaoru said, patting me on the back.
I took a deep breath and assumed they'd call Toshiya's house from the hotel later. I dragged my bag outside of the train station, and the very moment I stepped foot outside, a cold, frosty, bitter wind hit my face. Damn, Nagano was really cold, even for winter! It wasn't this bad in Osaka, that's for sure... I walked forward, looking around for the tall, slender man. My eyes met those of a lanky figure, leaning up lazily up against a pole by a sign. "Kyo!" He called out excitedly, making me smile. Yup, that was him. He ran up to me, and I dropped my luggage knowing what was to come. The black-haired bassist glomped me, arms wrapping too tightly around my waist as he lifted me from the ground a little. I muffled a complaint into his chest, but hugged him back all the same. "It's so good to see you, I haven't seen you in soooo long!" He beamed. I rubbed my left arm. "Not long enough... I still have bruises from you're last hug." I grumbled. "Aw, come on, Kyo, don't be like that! Lets go, it's warm inside my car. I'll take your things." He said quickly. Active as always. He grabbed my luggage and ran off, me following behind closely. He was right, it was warm in his car. My frozen skin openly welcomed the heat, as Toshiya talked at a thousand miles per minute. I tried my best to answer all the questions he was asking, one after the other.
"So how come you came up here?" I rolled my shoulders, trying to get them to crack so that they wouldn't be so tight and kinked. "I just wanted to see you so that I could talk to you in person. It's been a while."
Author: diru69
Chapter: 11/whatthefuckIdunno
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own Toshiya because Kyo does.
Summary: "I looked at him deeply, straight in the eyes, like I was digging further and further inside his mind. The weird thing is, I understood what he meant by doing that, summing it up into one tiny word that he had made outstanding by putting a real meaning behind it. I got it... yet I asked him what he meant anyway."
A/N: Yup, I've risen from the dead. zomGod. I have a cold right now... yes, in the FUCKING summer, I have a cold. >.> sooo, yeah. I'm outta school now and shit, finally, so things should be just fan-frigging-tastic for me once this cold leaves. ^^ COMMENT, HOES! >:D
"So you dropped another one, huh? This is what.... the 24th girl?" Toshiya said on the other line of the phone. "I don't know, I stopped counting at 19." I said, laying back onto the sofa as I sighed with exasperation. It was early January. A lot had changed. I dated more than a dozen girls, in a frenzied attempt to forget about Aya. It worked, but it stemmed new problems. I had to be careful, I didn't want these relationships to get too deep. That meant if I felt like the I-or the girl- was beginning to stand too close to the line between just dating and falling in love, I broke up. It was fine at first, when I was mostly just dating girls for a sexual relationship. But then I started wanting more companionship... And that's when it started getting harder to time things right, before someone got hurt. It hadn't been a pleasant half year. And that wasn't the only reason why... La Sadies was actually starting to get more popular. We were actually able to release our latest song as a single. That made Kaoru say things like "I think we're on the right track, we just need to progress from here." and "Good job, everyone! I think this is a new beginning for us." Nothing wrong with that, it was just encouragment. But to Kisaki, it was like he was stealing his words from him, like he was supposed to be saying those things. It shouldn't have been a big deal, but it pissed him off to no end for some reason.
Everyone reacted to Kaoru's words, saying harmless things that were taken the wrong way by Kisaki. "You're really good at bringing us together, it's a good thing we have you around, or we'd be in Hell!" Kisaki took it as a threat to his status as leader. He loved being in control too much to let Kaoru have this much effect on everyone else. I couldn't care less, but he did, so he started spouting crap that he probably thought sounded like good decisions. "Let's take what popularity we have now, and change music style! It'll throw everyone off and they'll think we sound totally new and fresh." He said one day. Everyone in the room stared at him blankly. "But that wouldn't make sense." Kaoru pointed out. "We've just found out what really fits us when it comes to this sub-genre of music, why would we want to start from the beginning again?" He was being totally reasonable. But it made Kisaki's face drop. I should've kept my mouth shut, but my honesty got the better of that ability. "I don't want to change music styles... I'd feel like I was being a sell-out, if that's the only reason I'd be doing it. I feel comfortable with what we're doing now." And then I said the words I knew Kisaki would hate. Why? My God I don't know. I should've known that I was poking the bear with a stick. "I agree with Kaoru." Kisaki's eyes burned like fire.
"You say that you don't want to be a sell out, and yet you're agreeing with someone who constantly obsesses over gaining fame and nothing else? Don't you think you're contradicting yourself?" He spat out in my direction. I could see where this might lead, and I wasn't in the mood for a fight... "Calm down Kisaki. I'm just-" "How dare you say that I'm just in it for fame?! There's a difference between wanting to be known for the sole purpose of gaining money and wanting fans just because you're some egoistic attention whore, and wanting recognition because you want your band's voice to be heard so that your music can be shared with other people!" Kisaki let his head tip backward as he rolled his eyes, as though his pupils were made of lead and were weighing his head down as he moved them. "Yeah, because we all know you're the latter." He said in a stuck up manner, voice drenched in sarcasm. Everyone's eyes shot toward Kaoru, monitoring his reaction. Die gripped his wrist, looking at the other guitarist-who was glaring intensly at Kisaki-warningly. "You bitch." He growled. "You really should get yourself checked out, it's not a good sign when you start talking to yourself." Kisaki said indignantly. Kaoru might've shot his fist at the impudant bassist, but Die kept a firm grip on him. "Kaoru, just cool it." He said through gritted teeth.
Had this been a different day and time, no matter what Kisaki said, Kaoru wouldn't have even so much as thought about hitting him. But everyone was so high strung, ready to snap under the tension. Die didn't feel like seeing or having a fight either, by the looks of it. It probably didn't look like it, but I could tell Shinya was as tense as anyone else in here. He kept a straight face though, and addressed the mess waiting to happen, A.K.A Kisaki and Kaoru, as smoothly as he could. "He's right. Just break it up, guys, come on. Everyone's just a little stressed." He gave a weak smile, but his eyes darted nervously from face to face with worry. Kaoru and Kisaki turned away and made sure their backs were facing each other. I pinched the bridge of my nose in defeat and put the tip of my pen to the rumpled paper on the coffee table before me. But they were at it again not more than a half hour later. Kisaki starting it, of course. I got up and grabbed the aspirin from my bag, the aspirin I knew I'd need since the moment I'd woke up. They argued back and forth thorughout the day as I sat by idly, writing on the paper that was half filled with the black ink bars that covered the words I felt didn't fit. They glared at each other when they thought no one was watching, when we were all eating lunch.
I rested my chin on my palm in a bored fashion as I chewed on the contents of my bento box, all while Kisaki griped and bitched about Kaoru to me. Dear God... why me? I thought as he babbled on and on about him. I couldn't have been happier to get home. I thought and thought about what we really should be doing at this point. We did need a change. Not in music... maybe we needed to move. It would be a little easier if we could just find a place in Tokyo, where we could do underground lives in a more youth-oriented area. We were becoming more publicly known, but we couldn't get anything through popular sources of media just yet. If we started there though, and performed lives to support the single released the month before, maybe we could get somewhere. The audience we're aiming for is all there... I talked to eveyone about it the next day. Kisaki looked like he was thinking, but the second Kaoru expressed his approval, he suddenly opposed it completely. "That's ridiculous, Kyo. Why should we go to the trouble of moving!? I like it here, and what if it's just the same over there as it is here?"
"At least my point has some reasoning behind it." I mumbled below my breath. "What was that?" Kisaki demanded. We were friends, but he was slowly chewing on my nerves. He needed to stop taking that tone of voice, as though he were the God of this world and "none shall defy the him". Give me a break. "You ask us to do something as mindless and drastic as changing our music style completely, and yet you get all extreme about me suggesting something that could potentially help us." I sighed, moving over to the round table to set my stuff down. "I'm getting so tired of everyone acting like this toward me!" Kisaki yelled. I turned around and looked at him, eyes slightly wider. "Kisaki, what're you talking about?" He looked like a ticking , black and red time bomb about to blow. "Everything that comes up, we disagree on! Everyone else is somewhere different than me!" I creased my forehead in confusion. "...Uh, don't you think you're overreacting a bit?" He threw his fists down at his side, as though he had his arms fastened to his sides tightly. "No, I'm not! It's not just about this, Kyo!" He said, waving his arms in the air frantically to emphasize the word "this", "No one listens to me! Ever! And I'm supposed to be the leader of this band!" I cocked an eyebrow in question.
"I think what you meant to say was we're the leaders. You and me." Kisaki looked like he'd just thought of something. "Yeah, that's exactly what I meant! But Kyo, don't you get it?! Kaoru is the one always trying to be in control, even though it was agreed that we're supposed to supervise things!" I gave him a warning look. "Don't try to change the topic and put this on Kaoru when it's your anger management problem we're dealing with right now. This is a band, not a monarchy, even if we are the leaders, it's not like no one gets a say in what we do and don't do. All Kaoru has done for this band is help keep us stabalized, and all he's doing now is giving me his input on my suggestion." Die looked up from where he sat on the floor with his things. "Hey, Kyo's right, this is all of our decision, not just Kisaki's... Raise your hand if you agree we should move to Tokyo." He said, raising his hand. Inturn, Kaoru, Shinya and I raised our hands as well, all of us looking expectantly at Kisaki-who I was trying desperately to keep patient with. "Sorry, man. Looks like you're out-voted. If we're gonna move, there's no point wasting time here. We should-" "I'm not going." Kisaki cut me off. I sighed and lowered my hand along with everyone else. "Kisaki, we're all deciding on this together. I'm sorry if you don't want to go, but this is a group thing. So we're going to-" "I'm not going!" He said a little more loudly and defiantly. God, he was being a stubborn bitch.
My eyes flared. "Why not?" I said calmly, taking a deep breath so that I wouldn't lose it on him. "Because I don't want to. It's as simple as that." He said, crossing his arms and sticking his nose up, closely resembling a bratty little child. "It's not your choice alone, we're in this together, and four out of five of us said we're moving. So guess the fuck what? We're moving. I told you, we're doing this as a group, so stop being selfish and suck it up." I said through my gritted teeth. Kisaki swung around to face me, obviously trying to look dramatic. "Then I don't want to be part of the group anymore." He said, rolling his eyes. I glared at him, hardly being able to stand him when he was like this. If he didn't get his way, he always turned into this. I'd put up with it thus far, but over time it was wearing my nerves down and this really broke the straw on the camel's back. He was threatening to leave so that I would tell him "Fine, we won't move!" and beg for him to stay. The only reason he was being like this is because regardless of whether or not this was good decision on our behalf, his pride-which had just been ruined by Kaoru the second I stood up for him- wouldn't allow him to call a truce and go with it. Do you really think you're so important? You know how serious I am about this, so do you honestly think I'll just roll over for you after you just attempted to pull something like that? If you really cared about this band, you'd never say that. You're worth nothing.
I smiled in a way that made Kisaki worried. "Fine with me. Just walk out that door and you can do whatever the fuck you want." Kisaki looked suprised. He didn't expect me to say that, is that it? Things didn't go like he thought they would. His look turned angry and I assume he mistook the smile on my face to be comical. A misinterpretation. He never was good at reading me right, though. "I'm being serious, Kyo, I'll leave! I'll really do it, I'm not kidding!" I dropped the smile, trying to make it easier to get the message across. "Neither am I." I shot back. Kisaki's eyes narrowed, and for a flash of a second, I could hear his eyes screaming "You'll come after me." I tried to say "No I won't." but he ran out of the studio before anything else could be spoken. Kaoru snickered, obviously finding Kisaki's Drama Queen act as funny as I did. Shinya's look was halfway between worry and relief, as though he wasn't sure which one he should've been feeling, and Die just gaped in astoundment. "Kyo, what the fuck?!" He practically bellowed. God, who knew his voice could sound like that when he tried? "What?" I asked, lost. "Well, in case you haven't noticed, you just tossed our only bassist out!" He yelled at me. "We still haven't put out 'Lu-ciel', and that should earn us our pay, so for now, we don't have any financial problems. I don't see what the big deal is." I muttered.
"And what about after that?! And this isn't just about money, Kyo, Kisaki was a part of this group, and now that he's gone, we aren't 'us' anymore!" Kaoru laughed bitterly, making Die face him. "You obviously missed something when you were watching what just happened. Kyo didn't throw Kisaki out. Kisaki chose to leave, by himself. We aren't all that important to him if he didn't even think twice about leaving." Die's mouth opened and closed a couple times, trying to think of what to say. But he knew it was true. Kisaki was the one person who didn't belong here, and it wasn't even because we wouldn't let him fit, it was because he intentionally chose not to. "Don't be stupid. We're not about to break up over one narcisistic, self-centered jerk. We'll just have to go on without him. We're better than that." Die took Kaoru's words in, thinking carefully. I looked down, a bit embarassed at what I was about to say. "I've been in a lot of bands so far..." started. "But we would always fight after a while over something. Eventually, one of us would leave, and when that happened, we all just decided that it was time to split and give up, move on and find other people to play with. But I don't want that to happen to us. You're different from the people in my past. I actually like you guys, and you come as close to thinking like me as anyone ever will. I don't want to throw you away, now that I'm finally happy."
It was silent for a while, but I didn't want to see their faces. I didn't like getting personal, face to face. That's what my lyrics were for. I could let out everything there, and be Kyo. But I didn't like being like that directly, I didn't like being Tooru Nishimura, bare of a stage name, an alias... It was too awkard. "We can always just find another bassist, you know." I said , acting like I didn't say anything that I had just before. "I have to warn you though, I'm going to be really picky." Kaoru grinned. "Same here. No half-assed bassists this time." Shinya giggled, and everyone looked back at him, a little suprised that he had just laughed at Kaoru's insult toward Kisaki. Maybe he didn't like him as much as we thought he had. I smiled wide. We could have a totally clean start. We'd be moving to a new place, getting a new bassist... We'd have a new name. As much as I hated to admit it, this really wasn't to be the same band without Kisaki. We'd be something else, without him, and that meant we'd need a new identity. We could change the style a bit, maybe we could be a little more heavy visual, like
X-Japan. There were a lot of options open, actually. I smiled widely as a thought crossed my mind. "Kaoru?" I said, carefully letting my tongue roll over each sound of his name slowly, like a toddler learning how to speak. I looked at me in acknowledgment and nodded curiously at my tone.
"Ah, god, I can't believe I'm saying this, because it'll probably wear me out, with the way you run things... But I think it'd be for the best... If you were our band leader." I admitted. Kaoru looked at me for a moment. "Really?" I looked at Die and Shinya, smiling. "You guys are fine with that, right?" Die shrugged his shoulders. "What's the difference? He already leads us." Kaoru scratched the back of his head. "So... That's why Kisaki was mad, huh?" Shinya massaged his temples gentley. "He's a control freak. Of course that's what it was about." He said softly. Die laughed. "As if you can talk!" Die laughed. Shinya glared in response, but his femininity took away the intensity of he stare. "From now on, Kaoru is Leader-sama!" Die smiled, ignoring Shinya. Kaoru smiled back, but it was more devilsish and menacing. "I suggest you go home then. Starting tomorrow, you're gonna work as though you're my indentured servants." Oh god... I made a huge mistake, didn't I? I half-joked to myself. I took our new leader's advice and headed home early. I settled in, thinking about what we would do to find someone that would fill the gap left by our former bassist. I really fucking didn't feel like holding auditions or some shit like that. I groaned at the thought as I opened a can of lemon soda, fresh and cold from the fridge, and sunk into my sofa.
Oh well... I decided not to think about it. Or at least I tried not to think about it. I tried to focus on the T.V, but then I remembered that I hated everything I got on cable because even with over a hundred channels, there was nothing to watch. So I tried to focus on something small, like how crisp my drink was or how the tenant above me seriosuly needed to fix his or her shower, because the left corner of my ceiling, which wasn't too far in proximation to the very sofa I sat in, was beginning to mold from leaking to much. But have you ever just had something on your mind that wasn't an urgent matter or anything, but you just kept wondering about it anyway? We weren't well known enough to ask someone from a popular, recently split band to join us, an you don't really hear about the lesser known bands, obviously... But we were popular enough that if we said we were holding auditions, too many people would show up and we would be spending weeks going through the list of people trying out... Shit. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. I got up and sighed in defeat, making my way toward my bathroom. Maybe taking a shower would relax my mind. The faucet squeaked as I turned the round knob and let lukewarm water spill onto my body.
I spent a long time soaking, maybe about forty five minutes... My message machine made an distant annoying beeping sound that my ears picked up the second I walked out of my steamy bathroom, yellow towel wrapped around my waist. Someone must've called me. I walked into my bedroom, and looked at the digital number "1" that appeared in red on the machine before pressing the tip of my finger down on the play button to hear it. "Hey, Kyo!" It was Kaoru. "I was thinking about what we're gonna do about getting a bassist. So I was thinking really hard because I'm sure by now you've realized the how hard it's actually going to be finding a bassist without overexerting ourselves, and I have an idea! I talked to everyone Die and I left Shinya a message because he didn't pick up either... Listen, trust me on this, I have a plan. Bring a suitcase with you tomorrow, with enough clothes to last you about two weeks aaaand whatever else you wanna bring. Toothbrush and comb, obviously... But just bring your stuff! I'll explain the rest tomorrow!" What? What was that all about? Oh my god... He wasn't planning on having us basically live at the studio, was he? No, that didn't make sense. Still, wonder why I had to pack a bag.
~+~+~+~
"Alright," I said sleepily as I lugged my suitcase into the studio half-heartedly. "I brought it. So why did I-well, we- pack suitcases for two weeks?" Kaoru half-smiled at me, sitting on top of his big, rectangular, brown luggage bag. "We're going to Nagano." He announced. I blinked. "What?" Kaoru's smile spread across his entire lips. "And we're going to be staying in a cheap hotel. 'We' as in me, Die, and Shinya." I blinked again. "...What?" I repeated. Die and Shinya also looked confused. Wait, then why was I here, with my bag... Kaoru seemed to read my mind and answered my unasked questions for me. "You're going to be sleeping over at Toshiya's for the next half month." By this time, his smile was so big it manifested the entire lower half of his face. "C'mon, guys. I'll put your stuff in my car's trunk, we'll talk about it on the way to the train station. And the ride won't be too long, don't worry, we're riding a bullet train. Those suckers go two hundred and seventy five miles per hour." I blinked for the third time that early morning. ".........What?" I said... again. We followed him anyway, all of us curious (maybe a little scared, too.) about what he had in store for us. We set down our bags, and Kaoru threw the larger ones in first before carefully placing the smaller bags on top. Die rode in the front with Kaoru, while Shinya and I got into the back. There was a comfortable amount of space, for the middle seat was empty between us.
Kaoru stopped by a fast food resturaunt to pick up some breakfast for all us. "Here you go." He said, handing me my order last. I gave a lost and beyond confused look. "What is it?" Kaoru asked, still turned toward me in his seat and holding out my bag of food. "Just waiting for you to explain what's going on..." I reminded him, taking the food from his waiting hands. His happy expression returned again and he turned around to face the wheel so that he could pull away from the drive-thru. "Well, we need a bassist, right?" I frowned. "You already mentioned that in the message. Please get to the point." I muttered. I could see him roll his eyes at me in the rear view mirror. "So, haven't you made the connection yet? We're going to Nagano, and we need a bassist." When he put it in front of me like that, I realized exactly what was going on. Shinya did too, the two of us exchanging glances. "Kaoru," Shinya said, "Toshiya is already in a band." Kaoru shook his head. "I already know that. But he's the only one we can accept." I looked at him for a short moment. "Elaborate. You've lost me." Die turned toward his fellow guitarist. "You're really planning on trying to get Toshiya to join us?" Kaoru unwrapped his double cheeseburger with one hand and steered with the other. "You guys heard him play. He's fucking amazing. And he's the only one that we know for sure is great, and he's fairly available."
I smacked my forehead with the palm of my hand. "I know he's great at bass, but he's anything but available, Kaoru. He already has his own band, so how the fuck does that make him available?" Shinya shifted, inching back and forth until he found a comfortable position to rest in. "I know how." he said, "You want to convince him to leave his band for us." Kaoru nodded his head. "What? Are you kidding me? How are we going to do that?" I asked our supposedly level-headed new leader. "That's where you come in." Kaoru grinned back at me. I huffed. "Why me?" The car made a wide left turn, making everyone sway to the left side of the car a little. "Everytime I saw him with you, you two seemed to get along fine. You seem like you're pretty good friends. And besides, you're persuasive. I know this might be a bit of a tricky mission, but unless you have a better idea, we're forced to stick with this. Kyo, do you remember how he sounded? Where else are we going to find that kind of talent right in front of us? I know he's in another band already, but it can't hurt to at least try." Damn... he was right, though. This was the only way we'd ever get someone with as much skill and potential as Toshiya. I played back the sound of him performing for me, that day when we were alone, and it made me think this could work. If I really, really wanted something, my chances of getting it were always higher.
Still, this was going to be hard. How are you supposed to go about convincing someone to leave their own band? I thought about it more though, and I came across a realization: Toshiya was the only one I wanted to be with us. I didn't have any other choice than to get him to join us, join me. It wouldn't be the same playing with another bassist, it didn't even feel playing right with Kisaki, he didn't lose himself in the music likeToshiya and I do. So there was no other choice... Getting Toshiya was the only possiblity for me. Period. I looked out the window of Kaoru's car, thinking hard about what I'd say, and when and how I'd say it. The car rolled along for about another fifteen minutes before we got to the train station. We made our way through all the crowds and lines, money-recieving machines and ticket dispensers, escalators and steel-walled structures... My arm was beginning to hurt when, fortunately, we got to the baggage drop-off. All that was left to do now was get on the train with my other bandmates. The inside of the train would be packed pretty soon, but we'd ran here so that we'd have a place to sit before the other busy passengers made their way to the black and white bullet train. A few other people had the same idea. One of them was an elderly, conservative lady who stared in question at Shinya's solid bright orange hair.
It wasn't long before everyone rushed themselves in crowd formation to the train. I was wedged between Shinya and Kaoru, Die pressed closely against our drummer even though no one had taken the seat next to him yet. The porter's voice came on, telling us through the speakers that the train was about to depart, the train moving shortly after. My breath picked up considerably and Shinya noticed my paling face. "Kyo, you okay?" he asked worriedly. I nodded and swallowed, looking down at my lap. Bullet trains work by repelling off of the rails with strong electromagnets, so bullet trains basically levitate... and the uneasy motion made me a little sick feeling. It wouldn't be bad the entire ride, but I'd take have to take a few moments to get used to it. Shinya was too tired to argue, he said he'd been busy lately. Within a few short moments, both he and Die were fast asleep. By then, I'd gotten over my temorary motion sickness. Kaoru, who was still awake, looked down at me. "Thinking about Toshiya-kun?" His voice made me look up at him. "Hm? Oh... that..... Yeah." Kaoru made a slight shrugging motion with his shoulders. "Don't worry, I believe in you. A pointer though.... Be sure to ask him about how it is in his band. If he's thinking about leaving, it makes things that much easier." I thought about how it was being with the people in this band, how close we were. "Kaoru, what he isn't thinking about leaving? He could be really happy where he is. And what about his band memebers? They're all close friends. It seems low, stealing their friend like that."
Kaoru's eyes softened. "If that's how it is, we'll just have to find another bassist. I just really had my hopes set on him in particular... so I figured we should at least see." I looked back where my gaze was before, at the scenary zipping by outside the train's windows. "I know... me too. But I don't want to put anyone at a disadvantage." Kaoru looked where I was looking. "...Yeah." he commented absentmindedly. I was lulled to sleep by the relaxing view of snow falling down, no rickety-rackety rails for the train to ride and bump over to jostle me awake. My head nodded, my eyes fell shut. When I woke up, it was to Die shaking me gently into consciousness. I looked up, and noticed Kaoru and Shinya were standing as well. Strangers by the dozens were filing out of the doors of the train, happy to not be packed up in a tight space like sardines in a tin can. I nodded and stood, following the crowd that sucked me up. I stumbled a bit as we all made our way to the baggage claim together, getting knocked into by more than just a couple people. I was used to it by now, though... The bustle of cities and the rude people that usually tread the ground inside them. "Guys, Toshiya-kun is waiting just outside. He doesn't know that anyone except Kyo is here. So we need to wait here for a little while before stepping out. Kyo, good luck." Kaoru said, patting me on the back.
I took a deep breath and assumed they'd call Toshiya's house from the hotel later. I dragged my bag outside of the train station, and the very moment I stepped foot outside, a cold, frosty, bitter wind hit my face. Damn, Nagano was really cold, even for winter! It wasn't this bad in Osaka, that's for sure... I walked forward, looking around for the tall, slender man. My eyes met those of a lanky figure, leaning up lazily up against a pole by a sign. "Kyo!" He called out excitedly, making me smile. Yup, that was him. He ran up to me, and I dropped my luggage knowing what was to come. The black-haired bassist glomped me, arms wrapping too tightly around my waist as he lifted me from the ground a little. I muffled a complaint into his chest, but hugged him back all the same. "It's so good to see you, I haven't seen you in soooo long!" He beamed. I rubbed my left arm. "Not long enough... I still have bruises from you're last hug." I grumbled. "Aw, come on, Kyo, don't be like that! Lets go, it's warm inside my car. I'll take your things." He said quickly. Active as always. He grabbed my luggage and ran off, me following behind closely. He was right, it was warm in his car. My frozen skin openly welcomed the heat, as Toshiya talked at a thousand miles per minute. I tried my best to answer all the questions he was asking, one after the other.
"So how come you came up here?" I rolled my shoulders, trying to get them to crack so that they wouldn't be so tight and kinked. "I just wanted to see you so that I could talk to you in person. It's been a while."