(no subject)
Title: Bring Me Back
Author: diru69
Rating: PG-13, i guesszzzzzz
Chapter: 1/1 (oneshot)
Disclaimer: I DONT FUCKING OWN THEM *EMOTEAR*
Summary: Toshiya can't feel anything anymore. No pain, no happiness, nothing. Kyo has to do something about it.
A/N: Because I got extremely bored with my other fanfiction >.< this is just a onesy. And I'm about to sleeeeep cuz its 5:00 am. why do I write at cri-zazy hours all the time? anywho comments give me teh happies :D
It was so black and gray, the world around me. I didn't know what to do or how to escape.
I couldn't bring the color back if I didn't know how it was all lost in the first place... We were at Kaoru's today.
The studio was under construction. I guess something had happened to it... Honestly, I should know what
had shut down the workplace that I myself worked in. But I didn't; It was like I was never awake anymore.
Sometimes, on occasions that were few and far between, I would be fully conscious, enough that I'd be
completely in contact with the rest of the world the way normal humans usually are. Yet, rare as those moments
were, I still managed to appear the way I always was. Maybe I'd just gotten so good at faking my smile from all
the other times something wasn't quite right that I was able to do it without even trying. Like an alarm clock that
doesn't need batteries. I was barely human anymore, it only makes sense to compare me to something cold
and inanimate... I heard Kaoru drumming his short nails on the end table beside me, a sound that was akin to
rain drops on a roof. Our studio may have been under repairs, but that didn't mean we could slack off. Just meant
we'd have to practice at Kaoru's house for a little while... Or so he said. We wouln't even be back in Japan long.
We'd just gotten back from America, only to be invited by Kerrang to tour with some other bands in Europe.
It was an honor, really. Those are the words that came to mind, and I showed my plastic smile and cheered
with Die. But I know I should've felt something, instead of the same blankness and apathy inside me. No matter
how many times I'd been sad, it was never like this... But it's fine as long as no one knows, I don't want to drag anyone
into this with me. But no one sees through me, so everything is alright. "We're set." Die said, giving us the okay to test
our instruments out. My bass reflected light off of it's entire body for a half second, before I pulled the stiff strap over my
tense shoulder. It was the one that was black and white, like a hollow skull. I set it in a comfortable position over my lap
and strummed gently. Picking up on the out-of-tune notes, I began my work on the offed strings. I could vaguely hear
Shinya drumming experimentaly, Kaoru and Die tuning their guitars the same way I was, and Kyo doing a sound check
on the microphone, although it was fuzzy, like we were underwater. Except I could hear myself perfectly. The steel strings
bumping vibrating rhythms into my body were the only things keeping me sane and alive. Everyone finished, and I was
still absentmindedly plucking at my bass guitar. They were looking a different direction, not at their instruments, but at
each other, with Die, Shinya, and Kyo staring at Kaoru, and him staring back.
It was fine, it had nothing to do with me, they were just awaiting directions from the Boss Man on what
song we should practice. "Well," he uttered out. "I suppose we should get started. First thing first, we need to
make a list of the songs we'll be performing. You know the drill..." Die smiled vibrantly and eagerly, and I envied that
beautiful smile's sincerity. "Wheredo you keep the paper, man?" Kaoru smiled, but not nearly as bright. He'd had
insomnia as of lately, and he wasn't as well rested as he needed to be. It had me a bit worried the more it
progressed. "Office, right desk, second drawer." He said, pointing down the hall connected to the living room. Die
nodded and went off in search of something blank to write on. When he came back, everyone was crowded around
the paper, not smiling, but talking excitedly and with bouncy voices, like school goers around someone who was
writing something that they knew would become a big rumor, a secret that would be kept long enough to seem real,
until someone burst the bubble and the excitement of the gossip began. I stood by idly, watching with flashing
brown-black eyes. They kept at it for a while, but Kyo seemed a little out of it.... He's been out of it for a while. He's
almost like me sometimes, like he isn't with everyone and everything else. Yet at the same time, he isn't like myself,
because he isn't just randomly spilling himself into a distant dream world, he has a focal point: Me. It didn't happen
all the time. But I'd catch it, him staring at me with electric eyes that made my spine tingle strangely, like I was being
shocked with wires.
Eventually, I started to feel it coming, the feeling would settle in my gut and I'd straighten my
neck and look up just in time for my gaze to meet his. Today felt strange and I figured out why when we left.
It wasn't late, the sun was just beginning to set, and when everyone had left Kaoru's house, me the last one
out, when I was pulled on by Kyo. The door was shut behind me, my feet planted firmly on the patio's concrete.
"You're coming with me." He said quietly, yet firmly. I didn't show any signs of being phased, just followed him
as he gently tugged me along. I looked out the window of his car at the world that was temporarily enveloped
in bright, hazey orange. The colorful, puffy clouds dusted the sky elegantly and made the outside atmosphere
look warmer than it really was. It was the dead of winter, afterall. Somewhere along the way, between
being enwrapped in both my half-unconscious state and my firmly held stare into the red-orange coated
road, we came to Kyo's house. He came around on my side and opened my door to alert me of this, waiting
expectantly. I looked around, probably seeming as though I'd never seen a house before. We got inside
and I immediately had the scent of Kyo surrounding me from everywhere. He padded into the carpeted
living room, and I automatically followed. His movement came to a halt and then there was silence. A window
on the wall with shades let in the dying day's sunlight in, and now it seemed to be a deep red, barely any trace
of orange left.
"I want you to tell me what's wrong." My stomach sank a little. More than anyone else, Kyo
didn't need to know there was something wrong with me. I played dumb, snapped into full focus, and laughed.
I could see him wince visbley, but I didn't know what his face held since his back was to me. "What are you
talking about Kyo? I'm fine." He lowered his head and now I knew why he was turned away from me. "Don't
give me that bullshit. I know no one else sees it, but I'm not that easy to fool. So don't lie. It'll just make it worse."
His voice cracked, giving way through unstabilty. I took a short breath, knowing full well no matter how many
times I did it, it would still feel like there was concrete in my dead lungs. "How long have you known?" I said
speaking naturally. He shrugged. "Two months. I'm assuming thats how long this has been going on." I
copied him and let my head drift downward too. "...I thought it'd get better. But you haven't let up. I wanted to
leave it alone, whatever 'it' is. Let you have the time you needed to be by yourself, like everyone always does."
He paused for a while. "But you didn't get better." I smiled bitterly. "I don't know what's wrong..." I wove my right
hand messily into my black hair. "Maybe it's everything..." Kyo turned around, patiently waiting for me to finish.
"The stress from everything... work, people, life... adding up and mulitiplying and sucking me away."
My voice was empty and held no emotion. It was so plain it made the air ring unpleasantly.
"I have nightmares. Where everyone I care about just disappears and leaves me. Because they live in a
world where they can take all that stress from their lives, that's built up over the years and still live with it.
They aren't pathetic, like me. They don't have to shut down their emotions to cope with everything, to not
freak out because of being put under of this pressure. For me everything I experience accumulates...
I get over the bad things that happen to me, but it doesn't really go away, it just hides in the back of my
mind and waits for other things to come along so that it can get bigger and take over me. I had to throw it
out.... I had to throw it out, along with everything else inside. Because if I didn't, I'd be destroyed..." Kyo
stared at me, peeling back the layers with his still, unmoving eyes that bore into me. "You aren't the same
anymore." He was right... I was barely even human. I certainly didn't feel like a person. "I don't want to feel
pain..." His face softened until the hard, distant man I saw almost everyday was nonexistant. "It's better than
nothing." He stated bleakly. My eyes floated, trying to stay open and not be distracted, straining desperately
to stay awake. "That may be... But I don't really have a say in this anymore. If I could feel again, I would. I just
can't feel."
He twitched just slightly. "But you're what keeps me alive." I heard my pulse in my ear for a
moment and I thought about my bass. I had music to keep me living. So did he. "You have singing." I said
plainly. I saw a stab of pain on his face. "That doesn't mean anything if I'm not with my bandmates. You aren't
being yourself. It's like I'm not even around you anymore." His voice was calm and flat, but his eyes looked like
wet onyx. I felt horrible; I was the reason he looked like that, hurt and sad and worried. I didn't want anyone to
know anything was wrong, it was supposed to just be me. But I couldn't cry, my numbed state wouln't allow
it. I felt like a lifeless statue. I looked hard and long at Kyo, studying him and thinking about how I always
loved how full of emotion and feeling he was. He wasn't stupid, but he didn't like to think. He felt his way through
everything, and his mind was linked his heart. He'd been through a lot because of people, so he could come
off as a misanthrope. But the truth was, he was the kindest person you would ever meet. And he was real.
He wouldn't lie, even if telling the truth meant his downfall. He never betrayed anyone or went back on his
word... I don't know if the other's see it, but he cares more than he lets on. This conversation was proof of that.
I just wish a person like that wouldn't worry over someone like... me.
"I'm sorry..." I whispered in guilt. "I wish I could make you feel." Kyo said sadly. It seemed his own
words set him off, and he tossed a glance from side to side. His body went absolutely still for a moment, and I
watched his form in admiration. It was a red-outlined silhouette that appeared to be aflame because of the light
being eminated and cast down from above. In the rose-red slant light of the evening, I notice the exact fall of the
light as it made bars across Kyo's body. Time slowed, then opened up, stretching the pause between one line
breaking and the next. He walked slowly, one step for every four seconds, taking them toward me. I didn't think
about it actually, until he reached out a careful hand to gently brush some hair that was in my face behind my ear.
I took a small, sharp inhale of breath. His hands felt like fire on my cold skin and the contrast made me want to
jump out of my skin. But I stayed still, not knowing what to think, do, or say, so I did what I had become good at:
I did nothing. His eyes were aligned with mine perfectly... His fingers were now behind the shell of my left ear
and he pressed the tip of his middle finger gently against the spot where my jaw and my ear met. The pressing
moved down his hand in a wave. Now the pads of his finger were pressed all together. Now the whole fingers.
Now the top of his palm. And now his palm was pressed onto the side of my neck.
He ran his hand down my neck, slid it over my left shoulder, trailed down my arm, and down to
clasp my hand. My heart was beating at an irregular pace and my eyes were wide, maybe a bit scared.....
Maybe a bit comforted. The fire of his palm wasn't doused out by my icey hand, it just made my flesh warm
like his. I quivered as his other hand, his left hand, nestled safely in the tresses of hair on my scalp. He moved
his face closer, inch by inch. "Kyo... what are you doing?" I asked shakily. He didn't answer, he just kept the
same pace as he moved forward ever so slowly... But now I could feel his hot breath on my lips, almost there.
My whole face flushed and I could feel the blood rushing inside it again. I hadn't been touched in a while, I had
nearly forgotten what it was like. But even if I had... Kyo? This felt... strange. I felt flustered, confused, and
awkward. At the same time I felt like my freezing body was on fire, and my skin kept tingling under Kyo's touch.
I panicked as Kyo tilted his head, but it was only for a second since I didn't time to think condsidering what
happened next. I felt Kyo's soft, full, moist lips moving slowly over mine. They were pressed against me gently,
as though if he pressed any harder, I would be hurt and instantly crumble away. I didn't know what to make
from this... But in that moment, I could feel all my organs-which were once frozen and suspended in place like
paused animation- warm, move, and beat back to life. I was so caught in the relief of feeling again, I began to
kiss Kyo back, urging him to press a little harder as I wrapped my longer fingers around his shorter ones.
He brought his left hand from behind my head to my cheek to stroke it as he complied and
pressed a little further forward. My lips felt like they were being sparked, even though Kyo was simply rubbing
his smoothly against mine. It felt beautiful, in a sense. I held onto him with my hands and arms, and sighed in
deep relief against him. Thats when I realized I couldn't breath. I grunted lowly, and he pulled away just as
slowly as he had previously movd forward. His eyes fluttered open delicately, and he stared at me as I caught
my breath. His hand detatched from mine to wipe at my face, and thats when I noticed I was crying. The second
I did, I leaned over his shoulder and let out heavy sobs, all escaping without control. This is what I'd been
supressing and bottling up all this time, I'd let it build up inside me. Kyo ran a hand along my back, rubbing it
back and forth for a while until my crying calmed down. He lead me over to the sofa and lay my head on his lap,
cradling me as he stroked my cheek adoringly. I looked up at him. His dark eyes restored all the color around
me. I felt tired. We could always talk about what just happened tomorrow. "Kyo..." I said softly. "Thank you."
He nodded and streched out beside me, wringing his arms around my waist and resting his head against me.
I fell asleep, and I didn't remember having nightmares that night. ...Just dreams.