When the past comes back to haunt you.
Life is going along pretty well all in all. I have a great job. A steady income, A home that feels like a home for once, friends who care and arent quareling for once, and a smile on my face. But as with all good times there comes decisions and troubles.
This time around its both complicated and simple at the same time. Kevin, Angelicas husband contacted me to let me know that Jacob knows that kevin isnt his biological father and is asking questions. Thus far he has answered vaguely and not in a mean sense. Jacob wanted me to have a picture of him and thus I was given a link to her journal. http://www.livejournal.com/users/kyanasama/ . Looking at the picture is like looking at a mirror of my own past. He looks so much like me that held side by side with pictures from my youth, I am unable to tell the difference.
I have read over her journal just to see how things have been and they have been through many hardships but seem to be doing quite well for themselves. I noticed that she refered to me as abusive and mean. It hurts to hear it put that way but we never did get along. Fights day and night. Truely not meant to be. I never raised a hand in anger to her but she says I have. *sighs* None the less, the past is the past and we have all grown away from what we once were.
Hearing that jacob knows abotu me fills me with a sorrt of wonder and dread as I dont know what he has been told of me, and what he hasnt been told of me. I dont want to distupt what he has. He has a mother and father who do love eachother. A brother who loves and idolizes him, a dog he loves, and a house with his own room fulled with many toys. He goes to school and has many friends and all in all a good life.
What would I possibly have to offer him. I work, come home exausted most days, clean the apartment or spend a few hours playing video games and off to bed. during the weekends I am often shut away sleeping in to catch up on lost sleep and wasting time infront of the computer. I have nothing to offer him in the way of a life compared to the paradise he has now and I have no wish to take him away from that. My father says I have more to offer him if I just stop to think about it but I have wracked my brains and cant seem to come up with anything.
I asked my friends and most of them told me im a hermit, a shutin both emotionally and physically. I hide from the world and stay in my own little corner. Many have tried to remove me from this and failed. Where I am now I am safe but with this informaiton I no longer know if I can stay in this corner.
I need time to think, I need time to sleep. I love my son and want only whats is best for him, and I dont believe that I am best for him.
This time around its both complicated and simple at the same time. Kevin, Angelicas husband contacted me to let me know that Jacob knows that kevin isnt his biological father and is asking questions. Thus far he has answered vaguely and not in a mean sense. Jacob wanted me to have a picture of him and thus I was given a link to her journal. http://www.livejournal.com/users/kyanasama/ . Looking at the picture is like looking at a mirror of my own past. He looks so much like me that held side by side with pictures from my youth, I am unable to tell the difference.
I have read over her journal just to see how things have been and they have been through many hardships but seem to be doing quite well for themselves. I noticed that she refered to me as abusive and mean. It hurts to hear it put that way but we never did get along. Fights day and night. Truely not meant to be. I never raised a hand in anger to her but she says I have. *sighs* None the less, the past is the past and we have all grown away from what we once were.
Hearing that jacob knows abotu me fills me with a sorrt of wonder and dread as I dont know what he has been told of me, and what he hasnt been told of me. I dont want to distupt what he has. He has a mother and father who do love eachother. A brother who loves and idolizes him, a dog he loves, and a house with his own room fulled with many toys. He goes to school and has many friends and all in all a good life.
What would I possibly have to offer him. I work, come home exausted most days, clean the apartment or spend a few hours playing video games and off to bed. during the weekends I am often shut away sleeping in to catch up on lost sleep and wasting time infront of the computer. I have nothing to offer him in the way of a life compared to the paradise he has now and I have no wish to take him away from that. My father says I have more to offer him if I just stop to think about it but I have wracked my brains and cant seem to come up with anything.
I asked my friends and most of them told me im a hermit, a shutin both emotionally and physically. I hide from the world and stay in my own little corner. Many have tried to remove me from this and failed. Where I am now I am safe but with this informaiton I no longer know if I can stay in this corner.
I need time to think, I need time to sleep. I love my son and want only whats is best for him, and I dont believe that I am best for him.