Confusion and Frustration
Things are both moving incredibly fast and far too slow at the same time if that makes any sense.
At work my quote keeps rising and I keep meeting it. Some days it seems easy to surpass 200 emails without blinking, other days im pushing myself to the extreem to break 150. My peak always seems to be close to the full moon and though Iv never put much faith in the moon cycles, im beginning to believe, or atleast wonder.
I feel as if I have a power sleeping inside me that wants to get out but has no where to go and no way to reach the surface. Potential, strength, speed, quickness of mind as well as body. I can feel it but cannot seem to grasp it. I am not sure if any of this makes sense but I thought I might as well get this out onto paper (or electrons as the case may be)
After work I go home and play Dungeons and Dragons Online to try and relax :) though as a rogue in that game I spend a large part of the time being the most active player of the party, always one step ahead.
*chuckles*
I cant seem to slow down even if I want to.
The downside to this is the physical toll it takes on me. When I try to sleep, my body dosent cooperate. I canc close my eyes and then I am treated to a picture show from my mind of events of the days past but at such a speed that my mind cannot comprehend but is far too distracting to reach true R.E.M sleep. I eventually reach this state of sleep about halfway through the week when true exaustion hits but that also is frustrating as I used to be able to reach the depest sleep so easily.
Back to the topic at work, my boss had words with me that although my quanitity of work was going up, my quality was slipping greatly. She has meant to have a further talk with me on this subject but as of current has not had the time, which has me on edge as to what she has to say. Iv never handled criticism well and often get on the defensive. I dislike authority. I like being in control. Further I made a mistake and spoke with the engineering team about an issue with my work and they told my boss, she yelled at me for speaking with them and making them concerned for no reason, then they came back and said I was right but I have heard no word further on it.
*sighs*
more confusion and frustration.
At home things are going as well as can be expected. Kri is pushing herself to the limits like myself and people at her work are pushing her far over the edge. She has come home in tears more then once. Part of the curse of not sleeping is I lay awake hearing all the apartment has to offer yet too tired ot get up and comfort her. I do what I can to make her happy on the weekend. The place is a bit of a mess and I do plan to clean that up this evening. It is both her and my fault. We both get over involved in our own projects and forget the world, or atleast try to.
Sometimes I wonder If I was meant for something greater. Spending my days working every day for the rest of my life but not making a difference. Just existing and being content. It seems wrong. But I dont know how I could change it and so I continue on as always.
Dont read too far into this, I am not miserable or angry. On the contrary, I am rather at peace but also ... confused and frustrated.
At work my quote keeps rising and I keep meeting it. Some days it seems easy to surpass 200 emails without blinking, other days im pushing myself to the extreem to break 150. My peak always seems to be close to the full moon and though Iv never put much faith in the moon cycles, im beginning to believe, or atleast wonder.
I feel as if I have a power sleeping inside me that wants to get out but has no where to go and no way to reach the surface. Potential, strength, speed, quickness of mind as well as body. I can feel it but cannot seem to grasp it. I am not sure if any of this makes sense but I thought I might as well get this out onto paper (or electrons as the case may be)
After work I go home and play Dungeons and Dragons Online to try and relax :) though as a rogue in that game I spend a large part of the time being the most active player of the party, always one step ahead.
*chuckles*
I cant seem to slow down even if I want to.
The downside to this is the physical toll it takes on me. When I try to sleep, my body dosent cooperate. I canc close my eyes and then I am treated to a picture show from my mind of events of the days past but at such a speed that my mind cannot comprehend but is far too distracting to reach true R.E.M sleep. I eventually reach this state of sleep about halfway through the week when true exaustion hits but that also is frustrating as I used to be able to reach the depest sleep so easily.
Back to the topic at work, my boss had words with me that although my quanitity of work was going up, my quality was slipping greatly. She has meant to have a further talk with me on this subject but as of current has not had the time, which has me on edge as to what she has to say. Iv never handled criticism well and often get on the defensive. I dislike authority. I like being in control. Further I made a mistake and spoke with the engineering team about an issue with my work and they told my boss, she yelled at me for speaking with them and making them concerned for no reason, then they came back and said I was right but I have heard no word further on it.
*sighs*
more confusion and frustration.
At home things are going as well as can be expected. Kri is pushing herself to the limits like myself and people at her work are pushing her far over the edge. She has come home in tears more then once. Part of the curse of not sleeping is I lay awake hearing all the apartment has to offer yet too tired ot get up and comfort her. I do what I can to make her happy on the weekend. The place is a bit of a mess and I do plan to clean that up this evening. It is both her and my fault. We both get over involved in our own projects and forget the world, or atleast try to.
Sometimes I wonder If I was meant for something greater. Spending my days working every day for the rest of my life but not making a difference. Just existing and being content. It seems wrong. But I dont know how I could change it and so I continue on as always.
Dont read too far into this, I am not miserable or angry. On the contrary, I am rather at peace but also ... confused and frustrated.