I fucking hate being ill.
Apparently I see "being ill" as "having an excuse to go over old mistakes again". Or "going over old regrets" at any rate.
When Matt broke up with me the first time it wasn't so much as break-up as a pre-emptive strike. That still stings some years on.
I thought I was going to be a mother by now, or at least trying for a kid. This Christmas was meant to be the one with our family. Now I can see me putting off family for longer and longer. I don't want to do that. I want to have children with the man I love and I want sleepless nights and dammit, I want to give up the next 20 years of my life for someone who at some point will love me as unconditionally as I will love them and at some point will hate me with a passion! I want to. And I can't.
Adam leaving still hurts. Not because I'm still in love with him, I haven't been for a long time, but because it has caused my life to be on pause for so long. Because that stupid fan in the loo was his. Vix liked it. I might offer to give it to her.
I want to make this place my own but every time I do that a little more I'm pushing him out a little more. That's inevitable but I swore, to him and to myself, that I'd never forget and I'd never push him completely out of my life. Because I did love him, otherwise I would never have married him. I still want to stay true to that even though he left me and went to start up his own new life and even though, more recently, he stopped talking to me. Dammit I'm a fool. I just don't want to deny that things did happen, that I was married and it was for love. And then it went bad.
When I move on from here then the new place can be just mine. Or ours. Not his at all and then maybe this guilt can stop.
I feel like I might be losing something, some part of myself, and that scares me because I don't know what it is I'm losing and I don't know if I want to. Except I do know, really. I'm losing my childish, impractical side. Or minimising it anyway. Getting a Very Grown Up sofa and getting rid of the cane furniture and the futon which had served me well for so long was the first of it. Now I'm thinking of getting rid of Sauro because all he does really is sits there with his stitching broken and takes up space, but he's a reminder of such a good holiday when I was...how young? 7? Or maybe I'm not losing, maybe I'm just finally starting to discover what kind of adult I will be when I eventually get around to growing up. Maybe I am just preparing to be a parent by casting aside my childish things. Maybe that's why the burnt-out car yesterday threw me so much, because it reminded me somewhat forcefully that this is not a place where I want to have children. Anywhere where I have to call the police twice in three years is not a place I want to have kids. But what if we couldn't afford anywhere else?
God I hope that letter Gray's mum is sending up isn't bad.
See, this is why I hate being ill. I'd forgotten this part, where my entire head feels swollen and all I want to do is sleep until I'm well but I can't sleep so instead I brood.
I got woken up at 7 o'clock this morning by a cat who had slept on my bed all night (for the first time in a long time) standing on my head and purring at me. Loudly. This is why he doesn't sleep on my bed normally. Love my cat to death but sometimes it's nearly to his death.
When Matt broke up with me the first time it wasn't so much as break-up as a pre-emptive strike. That still stings some years on.
I thought I was going to be a mother by now, or at least trying for a kid. This Christmas was meant to be the one with our family. Now I can see me putting off family for longer and longer. I don't want to do that. I want to have children with the man I love and I want sleepless nights and dammit, I want to give up the next 20 years of my life for someone who at some point will love me as unconditionally as I will love them and at some point will hate me with a passion! I want to. And I can't.
Adam leaving still hurts. Not because I'm still in love with him, I haven't been for a long time, but because it has caused my life to be on pause for so long. Because that stupid fan in the loo was his. Vix liked it. I might offer to give it to her.
I want to make this place my own but every time I do that a little more I'm pushing him out a little more. That's inevitable but I swore, to him and to myself, that I'd never forget and I'd never push him completely out of my life. Because I did love him, otherwise I would never have married him. I still want to stay true to that even though he left me and went to start up his own new life and even though, more recently, he stopped talking to me. Dammit I'm a fool. I just don't want to deny that things did happen, that I was married and it was for love. And then it went bad.
When I move on from here then the new place can be just mine. Or ours. Not his at all and then maybe this guilt can stop.
I feel like I might be losing something, some part of myself, and that scares me because I don't know what it is I'm losing and I don't know if I want to. Except I do know, really. I'm losing my childish, impractical side. Or minimising it anyway. Getting a Very Grown Up sofa and getting rid of the cane furniture and the futon which had served me well for so long was the first of it. Now I'm thinking of getting rid of Sauro because all he does really is sits there with his stitching broken and takes up space, but he's a reminder of such a good holiday when I was...how young? 7? Or maybe I'm not losing, maybe I'm just finally starting to discover what kind of adult I will be when I eventually get around to growing up. Maybe I am just preparing to be a parent by casting aside my childish things. Maybe that's why the burnt-out car yesterday threw me so much, because it reminded me somewhat forcefully that this is not a place where I want to have children. Anywhere where I have to call the police twice in three years is not a place I want to have kids. But what if we couldn't afford anywhere else?
God I hope that letter Gray's mum is sending up isn't bad.
See, this is why I hate being ill. I'd forgotten this part, where my entire head feels swollen and all I want to do is sleep until I'm well but I can't sleep so instead I brood.
I got woken up at 7 o'clock this morning by a cat who had slept on my bed all night (for the first time in a long time) standing on my head and purring at me. Loudly. This is why he doesn't sleep on my bed normally. Love my cat to death but sometimes it's nearly to his death.