Alone
The phrase "You need to love yourself before you can love another." has a very negative effect on me. I'm the kind of person where I'm my best in a relationship. I know it's not necessarily healthy...okay it's not healthy, but it's who I am. I'm Bi-Polar, I have abandonment issues, and I have AdHd as well as performance anxiety. I aim to please and when I can't please or do well I shy away from it. In any case here's where I'm at.
I can't sleep alone any more, every night when I do I just seem to find all the abandonment and loneliness emotions come together in this giant clump that I can't escape until morning. I don't want to sleep, I don't want to dream of what once was, I want to be able to dream of what can be.
I live with two room mates who I rarely see and when I do see them they are doing something that I either can't join in on or they are with a significant other. Then for my love life, it use to be very full, now it's down to zero in less than a week. All of that coupled with the realization that every person that I've lost contact with happened because of me. I needed three months to recover mentally from a two year relationship because of my bi-polar. It's so hard to control even with meds. Sadly the meds aren't working right now. I don't know why.
Last week all of the emotions of being alone came together and I seriously just wanted to die. I ended up resorting to an old habit which honestly saved my life because it was a physical sign for help, cutting. I hate cutting, it's meaningless, but it bring me back and lets me know I'm alive. I'll have a nice little scar, but that doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that when I"m alone I am depressed beyond belief and when I'm around other I'm the happiest person in the world. Relationships are what I base my life on, not because I feel I'm not strong enough, but because even if I live my life, and I love it, I want someone to be a witness to it. I want someone to feel the same joys and pains, triumph and achievement.
I believed I had a person in my life that I could eventually have that with, it kept me going, it helped me not cut deep enough to hit an artery. Her name is Sam. I have only met her once when I was 13 (she doesn't remember) but we talk all the time. She just went through an experience that I wouldn't wish anyone to have. Breast cancer at 22. That just shocks me. But she had surgery and in 6 months they'll be able to say whether or not it was a success. I hope it is, because honestly I love her dearly.
But she hasn't been talking recently and I think I now know why. I saw today her facebook said "Now in a Relationship." I felt hurt that she never mentioned another person, but I feel happy for her because she deserves something that she can hold, not grasp at. But the feeling of loneliness is now even heavier. I don't want to give in to it until I talk to her and find out if it's true or if it's just something to keep stalkers away from her. You never know, it could be a possibility.
But none the less, I, once again, feel abandoned. Because I feel as though I can't sleep alone, and all the people close to me that would be someone I could turn to for that have left, the pain and the emptiness becomes overwhelming. I want to cry before I go to sleep, but I hold back because I don't want my room mates to worry. They know that I cut, and they know how I was feeling. I don't want anyone close to me to know about my feelings, even though I'm posting it for the world to see, because I'm filled with this want and desire to just end it, but I never will. I'm a coward when the knife touches my skin, and I know that there's something out there worth waiting for to grab at.
I wish that I could find a person who is my equal and my female half. I just don't know if looking is best, or if waiting and feeling the pain before I find them is best. I know that every night my emotions will get the better of me. What I need, what I want, are both the same, but in others eyes I don't need someone else. I feel that the only way to stay here in my right mind is for someone else to give me a purpose, a reason for staying here, alive. As emo as that sounds, it's how I feel, and I don't know how to change it.
I can't sleep alone any more, every night when I do I just seem to find all the abandonment and loneliness emotions come together in this giant clump that I can't escape until morning. I don't want to sleep, I don't want to dream of what once was, I want to be able to dream of what can be.
I live with two room mates who I rarely see and when I do see them they are doing something that I either can't join in on or they are with a significant other. Then for my love life, it use to be very full, now it's down to zero in less than a week. All of that coupled with the realization that every person that I've lost contact with happened because of me. I needed three months to recover mentally from a two year relationship because of my bi-polar. It's so hard to control even with meds. Sadly the meds aren't working right now. I don't know why.
Last week all of the emotions of being alone came together and I seriously just wanted to die. I ended up resorting to an old habit which honestly saved my life because it was a physical sign for help, cutting. I hate cutting, it's meaningless, but it bring me back and lets me know I'm alive. I'll have a nice little scar, but that doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that when I"m alone I am depressed beyond belief and when I'm around other I'm the happiest person in the world. Relationships are what I base my life on, not because I feel I'm not strong enough, but because even if I live my life, and I love it, I want someone to be a witness to it. I want someone to feel the same joys and pains, triumph and achievement.
I believed I had a person in my life that I could eventually have that with, it kept me going, it helped me not cut deep enough to hit an artery. Her name is Sam. I have only met her once when I was 13 (she doesn't remember) but we talk all the time. She just went through an experience that I wouldn't wish anyone to have. Breast cancer at 22. That just shocks me. But she had surgery and in 6 months they'll be able to say whether or not it was a success. I hope it is, because honestly I love her dearly.
But she hasn't been talking recently and I think I now know why. I saw today her facebook said "Now in a Relationship." I felt hurt that she never mentioned another person, but I feel happy for her because she deserves something that she can hold, not grasp at. But the feeling of loneliness is now even heavier. I don't want to give in to it until I talk to her and find out if it's true or if it's just something to keep stalkers away from her. You never know, it could be a possibility.
But none the less, I, once again, feel abandoned. Because I feel as though I can't sleep alone, and all the people close to me that would be someone I could turn to for that have left, the pain and the emptiness becomes overwhelming. I want to cry before I go to sleep, but I hold back because I don't want my room mates to worry. They know that I cut, and they know how I was feeling. I don't want anyone close to me to know about my feelings, even though I'm posting it for the world to see, because I'm filled with this want and desire to just end it, but I never will. I'm a coward when the knife touches my skin, and I know that there's something out there worth waiting for to grab at.
I wish that I could find a person who is my equal and my female half. I just don't know if looking is best, or if waiting and feeling the pain before I find them is best. I know that every night my emotions will get the better of me. What I need, what I want, are both the same, but in others eyes I don't need someone else. I feel that the only way to stay here in my right mind is for someone else to give me a purpose, a reason for staying here, alive. As emo as that sounds, it's how I feel, and I don't know how to change it.