Fourth of July
To start, I am intoxicated, however I will be very impressed with myself if there are less than five grammatical or spelling errors in this post.
It is the fourth of July and quite frankly it does not matter how intoxicated I am I can still realize why I am constantly depressed. Yes, it is another one of those. Despite the bangs of the fireworks and the shine of a sparkler I can't help but think back and realize I truly hate my life.
I am jobless, living in an apartment, and thinking there is no point to my life right now. I love someone on the other side of the country that went through surgery for breast cancer only to have it come back at the age of 22 in less than 5 months. She also woke up last night to having her house burn down for the second time. Her mother steals from her, and has never known unconditional love face to face.
I have been through relationship after relationship and I'm coming up to my first full year anniversary of being single. I have been in 3 month relationships to being engaged. I have been through high school, midway through community college, to working part time and not knowing what it means to be a success. I have never taken one of my talents and seeing it through. I am an amazing artist, amazing musician, and all around great person to be around, but I have never once taken one of my many hobbies and talents and run with it.
All of this, and I mean every moment of my life, has made me realize that if I decided to leave, not tell anyone where I was going, no one would care for more than a month. Sure there are people in my life who would be mad or upset, but no one would go looking for me and see it through to the end. I have not made an impact on those in my life. That fact has finally sunken in. The only thing stopping me from leaving Seattle is that I don't have the heart, willpower, or determination to do so.
I don't even know why...well, a lot of thoughts come to mind. But, I have no clue or understanding why I can't make something of myself. I thought I found my calling with being a teacher, I still believe, even now, that being a teacher would make my life complete and would give me purpose. I just don't know how to achieve success.
I have nine brothers and sisters. Each one of them with the exception of one is married. All but two of them has kids. And even three of my nephews and nieces have children. Why is it I was even born? No one needs me to carry on the family name. No one needs me to teach their children what to do (what not to do). I'm not a role model by any means. And even if it wasn't about the family name, I barely got through high school, I didn't make it through community college, and I can't afford rent, I don't have a job. Nothing about me makes me an integral part of my society, of my social group, or my livelihood.
Most nights I can fall asleep because I know tomorrow is another day. But some nights, the nights that stand out the most, I can't sleep. I'm alone, and I truly know it. No one cares, they pretend to care, or they say they care, but I highly doubt anyone would jump in front of a gun for me.
I can't even finish this post, I am too depressed to think about it. I'm going to go drink more. Good night.
It is the fourth of July and quite frankly it does not matter how intoxicated I am I can still realize why I am constantly depressed. Yes, it is another one of those. Despite the bangs of the fireworks and the shine of a sparkler I can't help but think back and realize I truly hate my life.
I am jobless, living in an apartment, and thinking there is no point to my life right now. I love someone on the other side of the country that went through surgery for breast cancer only to have it come back at the age of 22 in less than 5 months. She also woke up last night to having her house burn down for the second time. Her mother steals from her, and has never known unconditional love face to face.
I have been through relationship after relationship and I'm coming up to my first full year anniversary of being single. I have been in 3 month relationships to being engaged. I have been through high school, midway through community college, to working part time and not knowing what it means to be a success. I have never taken one of my talents and seeing it through. I am an amazing artist, amazing musician, and all around great person to be around, but I have never once taken one of my many hobbies and talents and run with it.
All of this, and I mean every moment of my life, has made me realize that if I decided to leave, not tell anyone where I was going, no one would care for more than a month. Sure there are people in my life who would be mad or upset, but no one would go looking for me and see it through to the end. I have not made an impact on those in my life. That fact has finally sunken in. The only thing stopping me from leaving Seattle is that I don't have the heart, willpower, or determination to do so.
I don't even know why...well, a lot of thoughts come to mind. But, I have no clue or understanding why I can't make something of myself. I thought I found my calling with being a teacher, I still believe, even now, that being a teacher would make my life complete and would give me purpose. I just don't know how to achieve success.
I have nine brothers and sisters. Each one of them with the exception of one is married. All but two of them has kids. And even three of my nephews and nieces have children. Why is it I was even born? No one needs me to carry on the family name. No one needs me to teach their children what to do (what not to do). I'm not a role model by any means. And even if it wasn't about the family name, I barely got through high school, I didn't make it through community college, and I can't afford rent, I don't have a job. Nothing about me makes me an integral part of my society, of my social group, or my livelihood.
Most nights I can fall asleep because I know tomorrow is another day. But some nights, the nights that stand out the most, I can't sleep. I'm alone, and I truly know it. No one cares, they pretend to care, or they say they care, but I highly doubt anyone would jump in front of a gun for me.
I can't even finish this post, I am too depressed to think about it. I'm going to go drink more. Good night.