Talking about Luke.
On Christmas Eve, a woman at work asked me if I had any kids. I paused for a moment.
It was interesting because the week prior, a few coworkers had been talking about being pregnant, giving birth, how much their babies had weighed, etc. I wanted to join in the conversation, but I knew if I added any of my experience, there would be further questions, and I'd end up bringing everyone down. So I just did my crossword and kept mum.
So when my co-worker asked if I had any children, I briefly considered just saying, "no," but I HATE saying that and I thought the woman in question seemed like an understanding sort. We've had many conversations and I like her, so I decided to go with the answer that I'm comfortable with...
I said, after the pause, "I had a son, but he passed away."
Well, my co-worker's eyes got wide (her face is pretty expressive), "OH," she said awkwardly.
I tried to explain, "It doesn't feel right to say no, as if he didn't exist."
"Oh," more awkwardness from co-worker, "OH."
"It just feels weird to say no, you know?"
"Oh."
Then I think, "Should I tell her he was stillborn? Five days before he was due? She might think I lost a 5 year old or 10 year old." As if my loss wasn't as worthy as someone who had. Like by not telling her I was putting one over on her.
I didn't say anything else that night.
Christmas night, I said, "Sorry if I freaked you out last night. I guess I just should have said no." Because her response wasn't the one I'd expected or wanted, I guess. Not really because I cared if I freaked her out.
She said, "Oh, you're fine. I just thought... 'bless her heart'... You're fine."
I feel like I can't talk about Luke. I hate it.
It was interesting because the week prior, a few coworkers had been talking about being pregnant, giving birth, how much their babies had weighed, etc. I wanted to join in the conversation, but I knew if I added any of my experience, there would be further questions, and I'd end up bringing everyone down. So I just did my crossword and kept mum.
So when my co-worker asked if I had any children, I briefly considered just saying, "no," but I HATE saying that and I thought the woman in question seemed like an understanding sort. We've had many conversations and I like her, so I decided to go with the answer that I'm comfortable with...
I said, after the pause, "I had a son, but he passed away."
Well, my co-worker's eyes got wide (her face is pretty expressive), "OH," she said awkwardly.
I tried to explain, "It doesn't feel right to say no, as if he didn't exist."
"Oh," more awkwardness from co-worker, "OH."
"It just feels weird to say no, you know?"
"Oh."
Then I think, "Should I tell her he was stillborn? Five days before he was due? She might think I lost a 5 year old or 10 year old." As if my loss wasn't as worthy as someone who had. Like by not telling her I was putting one over on her.
I didn't say anything else that night.
Christmas night, I said, "Sorry if I freaked you out last night. I guess I just should have said no." Because her response wasn't the one I'd expected or wanted, I guess. Not really because I cared if I freaked her out.
She said, "Oh, you're fine. I just thought... 'bless her heart'... You're fine."
I feel like I can't talk about Luke. I hate it.