Several Degrees Shy of a Hot Property...
Hey Kids,
It is not in my character to not express the things that I'm feeling, even if the venue of expression is significantly more public and the subject matter is something I worry, possibly in my melo-dramatic-would-be artist way, that no one will understand, or be able to respect. If you don't care, skip the first cut:
I have been seriously concerned about myself lately. I am concerned at my inability to focus my passion and love into someone singular and permanent. It's not that I feel like my permanent arrangements with people are not fulfilling, or that I feel like I am spread thin or divided, but I am terrified of hurting the people I love by making them feel like they can't have enough of me, or that I can't possibly truly love them if I love other people too. I am moved by the world. I guess it all stems from my types of affections...
So there's this girl I met recently. She could be a wonderful muse. I get carried away in her like I used to in the people I used to get crushes on when I was younger. Like I don't even know her yet, but I want to capture her in words and worship her and save her. I am not "in love" with her, nor do I know if I ever could be. Just as likely not. But I want to get to know her, and more than that I want her to inspire me, which she does, 'cause I haven't felt so much like writing in a long long time. I am terrified that my quick affection and caring for people and my willingness to not hold back emotion will frighten her, like many new people, away. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, just like I don't want to hurt anyone. But it's like a fireball.
Simultaneously, there is a girl I've mentioned here before, who I would say I AM in love with. No question. I can talk to her for hours and hours and hours everytime we talk and it never feels heavy or difficult or awkward. We can be intimate with one another, and joke and move each other to emotion, and we can talk about anything. She really understands me. Sometimes in ways that very few people, if anyone, have been able to before. We're different in a lot of ways, but they seem to play off each other nicely. She's far away though, so it's impossible to know what it would be like if she were here. She's possibly the most caring, considerate person that I have ever known.
And I barely need to talk about how I feel about Chala. She and I are like two pieces of the same person now. Partially because we've been together so long, partially because we love one another so much. We share whole worlds that other people can't get into. I could be very happy being with her for years and years. She remains the only person I KNOW for certain I could live with and be happy.
I wish I understood what it was like to have your love and desire for one person stop you from loving and being absorbed in and deeply desiring others. I think that would be so much better for me and the people around me, on one level. But it just doesn't feel....right to me. I don't know how to hold back what I feel and want to say. I don't know how to not share myself with everyone I get close to. It really seems to me like people just want to share themselves with one person. I wish I knew how to be ok with that. I wish I didn't want/need to completely let go and let everyone in, and invite everyone in....
So today I watched the Talespin origin story today. I loved that show as a child and it continues to be enjoyable. Don Carnage has GOT to be one of my favourite villains of all time. In one scene, he exclaims of Kitt Cloudkicker's ruse of betrayal : "Oooh, he is even mean to children!"
I also went over to Steve's to hang out with he and his friend Benji, and our friend Erica, whom I had not seen often enough for a long while, and am hoping to truly be in touch with again. :')
This weekend's poetry thing went really well. Quite a few readers, reading a lot of different things. My writing lately, I have been really proud of. I will post some on my Deviantart page really soon. :' )
Work has been CRAZY lately. The busy-ness of the environment is really wild. It's back to school you see, and therefore the busiest time that Staples has to deal with. Tomorrow is supposed to be the busiest day of the year too, so I'm a bit scared, actually. I do have a funny story from the other day to relate. (which, aside from Damien and Kai's constant jokes about me lately, has been the funniest thing that happened in a long time)
So this old man came into the store, and I started talking to him around 7:30pm. He was looking at the Viewsonic 32" TV/Monitor on display at the front of the store. So he asked me about every question under the sun about it. Like what inputs does it have? where are they? where's the tuner? how does it mount? and the most difficult one, does the base come off? (since I didn't know the answer, and the website and manual didn't explain it at all, I ended up having to turn the TV completely on its side to show the guy how it connected, so that he would know he could remove it when he got home. All this took a VERY long time because everything he asked and said turned into a 10 minute story about something that he had, or that had happened to him. He finally decided he was going to get one, and then that he would get the extra warranty coverage (which, although I don't work on comission, are something they REALLY push me to get) so I was willing to go a little further for him, which ended up being necessary. I went to the back to get the TV, and as I was carrying it around the corner, I split the tape along the top of the box, coming around a corner. Though I told him I had JUST split the tape while carrying it, and that I would tape the box shut again for him, he decided he needed me to get him ANOTHER one. So I went to the back again, and got someone else to help me bring out another TV, which I took to the till to get rung through, as it was nearly closing time at this point (9pm). The old guy, however, had decided to continue looking at the display model, which was showing Windows Vista (beta release). I went over to inform him that we were ready for him to check out, and he said "ok" and, I KID YOU NOT, opened a game of solitaire. So I watched him play, standing nearby and making comments that (not so) subtly hinted that we really want him to leave. Eventually he goes through the till, and I wheel the TV out to his car on a dolly for him, as he walks VERY slowly, talking the whole time. THEN, when we get to his car, the dude checks his pockets, and with a look of abject horror, realises he has lost his keys somewhere. So we venture back into the store, TV and all, (which they have to unlock for us) and begin the search for the old man's lost keys. We eventually find them way over in the back of the store on the furniture desk. Then we headed back out to his car, where I had to help him fit the TV in, which took a LONG time, because it BARELY BARELY fit, and he had to go to the other side of the car and push the cushionning of the seat down as I nudged the TV in from behind. Then he proceeded to stand by his car, with all the doors open, chatting to me about his life. I figure he was just lonely, but I was REALLY ready to go home, so eventurally I just started walking away and saying "goodnight" until he shut up. Makes me kinda sad. but it was pretty funny.
That's it for now. More updates as warranted.
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight.
It is not in my character to not express the things that I'm feeling, even if the venue of expression is significantly more public and the subject matter is something I worry, possibly in my melo-dramatic-would-be artist way, that no one will understand, or be able to respect. If you don't care, skip the first cut:
I have been seriously concerned about myself lately. I am concerned at my inability to focus my passion and love into someone singular and permanent. It's not that I feel like my permanent arrangements with people are not fulfilling, or that I feel like I am spread thin or divided, but I am terrified of hurting the people I love by making them feel like they can't have enough of me, or that I can't possibly truly love them if I love other people too. I am moved by the world. I guess it all stems from my types of affections...
So there's this girl I met recently. She could be a wonderful muse. I get carried away in her like I used to in the people I used to get crushes on when I was younger. Like I don't even know her yet, but I want to capture her in words and worship her and save her. I am not "in love" with her, nor do I know if I ever could be. Just as likely not. But I want to get to know her, and more than that I want her to inspire me, which she does, 'cause I haven't felt so much like writing in a long long time. I am terrified that my quick affection and caring for people and my willingness to not hold back emotion will frighten her, like many new people, away. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, just like I don't want to hurt anyone. But it's like a fireball.
Simultaneously, there is a girl I've mentioned here before, who I would say I AM in love with. No question. I can talk to her for hours and hours and hours everytime we talk and it never feels heavy or difficult or awkward. We can be intimate with one another, and joke and move each other to emotion, and we can talk about anything. She really understands me. Sometimes in ways that very few people, if anyone, have been able to before. We're different in a lot of ways, but they seem to play off each other nicely. She's far away though, so it's impossible to know what it would be like if she were here. She's possibly the most caring, considerate person that I have ever known.
And I barely need to talk about how I feel about Chala. She and I are like two pieces of the same person now. Partially because we've been together so long, partially because we love one another so much. We share whole worlds that other people can't get into. I could be very happy being with her for years and years. She remains the only person I KNOW for certain I could live with and be happy.
I wish I understood what it was like to have your love and desire for one person stop you from loving and being absorbed in and deeply desiring others. I think that would be so much better for me and the people around me, on one level. But it just doesn't feel....right to me. I don't know how to hold back what I feel and want to say. I don't know how to not share myself with everyone I get close to. It really seems to me like people just want to share themselves with one person. I wish I knew how to be ok with that. I wish I didn't want/need to completely let go and let everyone in, and invite everyone in....
So today I watched the Talespin origin story today. I loved that show as a child and it continues to be enjoyable. Don Carnage has GOT to be one of my favourite villains of all time. In one scene, he exclaims of Kitt Cloudkicker's ruse of betrayal : "Oooh, he is even mean to children!"
I also went over to Steve's to hang out with he and his friend Benji, and our friend Erica, whom I had not seen often enough for a long while, and am hoping to truly be in touch with again. :')
This weekend's poetry thing went really well. Quite a few readers, reading a lot of different things. My writing lately, I have been really proud of. I will post some on my Deviantart page really soon. :' )
Work has been CRAZY lately. The busy-ness of the environment is really wild. It's back to school you see, and therefore the busiest time that Staples has to deal with. Tomorrow is supposed to be the busiest day of the year too, so I'm a bit scared, actually. I do have a funny story from the other day to relate. (which, aside from Damien and Kai's constant jokes about me lately, has been the funniest thing that happened in a long time)
So this old man came into the store, and I started talking to him around 7:30pm. He was looking at the Viewsonic 32" TV/Monitor on display at the front of the store. So he asked me about every question under the sun about it. Like what inputs does it have? where are they? where's the tuner? how does it mount? and the most difficult one, does the base come off? (since I didn't know the answer, and the website and manual didn't explain it at all, I ended up having to turn the TV completely on its side to show the guy how it connected, so that he would know he could remove it when he got home. All this took a VERY long time because everything he asked and said turned into a 10 minute story about something that he had, or that had happened to him. He finally decided he was going to get one, and then that he would get the extra warranty coverage (which, although I don't work on comission, are something they REALLY push me to get) so I was willing to go a little further for him, which ended up being necessary. I went to the back to get the TV, and as I was carrying it around the corner, I split the tape along the top of the box, coming around a corner. Though I told him I had JUST split the tape while carrying it, and that I would tape the box shut again for him, he decided he needed me to get him ANOTHER one. So I went to the back again, and got someone else to help me bring out another TV, which I took to the till to get rung through, as it was nearly closing time at this point (9pm). The old guy, however, had decided to continue looking at the display model, which was showing Windows Vista (beta release). I went over to inform him that we were ready for him to check out, and he said "ok" and, I KID YOU NOT, opened a game of solitaire. So I watched him play, standing nearby and making comments that (not so) subtly hinted that we really want him to leave. Eventually he goes through the till, and I wheel the TV out to his car on a dolly for him, as he walks VERY slowly, talking the whole time. THEN, when we get to his car, the dude checks his pockets, and with a look of abject horror, realises he has lost his keys somewhere. So we venture back into the store, TV and all, (which they have to unlock for us) and begin the search for the old man's lost keys. We eventually find them way over in the back of the store on the furniture desk. Then we headed back out to his car, where I had to help him fit the TV in, which took a LONG time, because it BARELY BARELY fit, and he had to go to the other side of the car and push the cushionning of the seat down as I nudged the TV in from behind. Then he proceeded to stand by his car, with all the doors open, chatting to me about his life. I figure he was just lonely, but I was REALLY ready to go home, so eventurally I just started walking away and saying "goodnight" until he shut up. Makes me kinda sad. but it was pretty funny.
That's it for now. More updates as warranted.
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight.