I need direction to perfection...
Hey Kids,
Another update, whatever will we do? You might as well just skip this whole entry, so I will put the bulk of it in a cut, so you can ignore it.
I woke up early on this first day of school and was thinking so much about all this that I had to write another entry about it.
Thanks to Sarah's astuteness, I have been learning interesting things about myself, or at the very least, am entertaining ideas about me that are quite possibly true. The most interesting of which is that perhaps the reasoning behind my latest "interest"? "infatuation"? "crush"? (I don't know if any of those applies) is that I see myself in her. This rang really true for me. I remember feeling exactly the way that she describes feeling when I was around her age. Maybe I am looking for the opportunity to go back in time and save myself. Or at the very least, stop others from going through the kinds of hurts that I did. Despite all the jokes, it's not really a sexual thing at all, except that "saviours" and "protectors" are a power dynamic that can so easily turn sexual if you allow them to. The whole knight/damsel thing.
In my conversation with Sarah, I also lamented the impossible double bind that insecurity places upon us. When I talk to this new girl (I don't know why I'm so desperate to not use names when I don't think she would care) I am tongue tied. I feel like I can't have a normal conversation, and I worry about everything I say. I wish I didn't, but I do. And that's so strange for me. Usually, I am comfortable with just about anyone, in a conversation. And you can't just tell someone that you are "not usually like this" 'cause that's exactly what you'd say if you WERE always like that. I guess I need to stop worrying about whether she'll like me or not. That's usually how it works. I need to convince myself that I have nothing to lose by simply being myself, and if she doesn't like me, then I can focus my attention on people who will. If I know all this, then why is it so hard to actually do it? I think sometimes I'm not so terrible for it, but others I am downright awful. I guess it's all about getting carried away too fast. I need to turn down the intensity level.
Speaking of intensity level... I'm going to preface this by saying that I NEVER feel violent towards anyone, or SO rarely that it's almost not worth mentionning I always make jokes about beating people up/killing them, but the joke is really about how ridiculous an idea that is ... but if people do mean things to her, I cannot stand it. Last night someone was genuinely inconsiderate to her in a totally hurtful way, and I swear, I can't remember feeling so violent towards somebody, like, in YEARS. I wanted to kick his head in.
And I know that's not ok. But WHY would you do that to someone? How can anyone just not CARE how someone else feels?
I'm so protective of her, and I have to say again, I don't even really know her.
I think though, because I recognise myself in her, that I feel like I understand her, even though I don't know her yet.
Also, I worry about the stupidest things. Her latest journal subject line was "Some call it stalking... some call it love." And maybe it's that I was hit with that so many times when I was younger, but a part of me somewhere inside is terrified that that's how she feels about me. I mean, I wouldn't use the word "love," like "in love," I'm not delusional. But I do go on about people and it's hard not to worry that some of them would be creeped out/uncomfortable about that. When I think about it intellectually, I don't think there's any way that she meant me/thinks of me that way, but I can't help FEELING it, you know? See? I'm SO insecure around her. It goes against everything I thought I had finally become.
Despite all these emo entries, and the fact that I seem to really go up and down, I would say I'm still generally happy and comfortable with myself, so don't worry about me.
Thanks for reading this/caring.
Until next time,
I'm Ktwilight
Another update, whatever will we do? You might as well just skip this whole entry, so I will put the bulk of it in a cut, so you can ignore it.
I woke up early on this first day of school and was thinking so much about all this that I had to write another entry about it.
Thanks to Sarah's astuteness, I have been learning interesting things about myself, or at the very least, am entertaining ideas about me that are quite possibly true. The most interesting of which is that perhaps the reasoning behind my latest "interest"? "infatuation"? "crush"? (I don't know if any of those applies) is that I see myself in her. This rang really true for me. I remember feeling exactly the way that she describes feeling when I was around her age. Maybe I am looking for the opportunity to go back in time and save myself. Or at the very least, stop others from going through the kinds of hurts that I did. Despite all the jokes, it's not really a sexual thing at all, except that "saviours" and "protectors" are a power dynamic that can so easily turn sexual if you allow them to. The whole knight/damsel thing.
In my conversation with Sarah, I also lamented the impossible double bind that insecurity places upon us. When I talk to this new girl (I don't know why I'm so desperate to not use names when I don't think she would care) I am tongue tied. I feel like I can't have a normal conversation, and I worry about everything I say. I wish I didn't, but I do. And that's so strange for me. Usually, I am comfortable with just about anyone, in a conversation. And you can't just tell someone that you are "not usually like this" 'cause that's exactly what you'd say if you WERE always like that. I guess I need to stop worrying about whether she'll like me or not. That's usually how it works. I need to convince myself that I have nothing to lose by simply being myself, and if she doesn't like me, then I can focus my attention on people who will. If I know all this, then why is it so hard to actually do it? I think sometimes I'm not so terrible for it, but others I am downright awful. I guess it's all about getting carried away too fast. I need to turn down the intensity level.
Speaking of intensity level... I'm going to preface this by saying that I NEVER feel violent towards anyone, or SO rarely that it's almost not worth mentionning I always make jokes about beating people up/killing them, but the joke is really about how ridiculous an idea that is ... but if people do mean things to her, I cannot stand it. Last night someone was genuinely inconsiderate to her in a totally hurtful way, and I swear, I can't remember feeling so violent towards somebody, like, in YEARS. I wanted to kick his head in.
And I know that's not ok. But WHY would you do that to someone? How can anyone just not CARE how someone else feels?
I'm so protective of her, and I have to say again, I don't even really know her.
I think though, because I recognise myself in her, that I feel like I understand her, even though I don't know her yet.
Also, I worry about the stupidest things. Her latest journal subject line was "Some call it stalking... some call it love." And maybe it's that I was hit with that so many times when I was younger, but a part of me somewhere inside is terrified that that's how she feels about me. I mean, I wouldn't use the word "love," like "in love," I'm not delusional. But I do go on about people and it's hard not to worry that some of them would be creeped out/uncomfortable about that. When I think about it intellectually, I don't think there's any way that she meant me/thinks of me that way, but I can't help FEELING it, you know? See? I'm SO insecure around her. It goes against everything I thought I had finally become.
Despite all these emo entries, and the fact that I seem to really go up and down, I would say I'm still generally happy and comfortable with myself, so don't worry about me.
Thanks for reading this/caring.
Until next time,
I'm Ktwilight