I should tell you- I should tell you...
Last night after posting, I decided that I needed to go for a walk. Seeing as I've been on an Iron & wine spree, I brought them with me and headed out. I didn't make it across the street when I felt someone behind me. Part of me was angry because in the midst of my breakdown, a huge part of me wanted to be alone... another part of me was happy, figuring it was Roy and he had been wonderful earlier in the night when I had needed him. Well, it wasn't Roy, it was Kei. He asked if he could join me and I said yes, we walked in silence for a while but upon reaching Fletcher Lawn we sat down and started talking. It was nice to talk about things that didn't matter, like dream houses, cars, pets, our ideal futures. Tate, hah. I wish I could say that this took my mind off things, but it didn't. I wanted so badly to cry again. Put on my headphones and drown out the world for as long as I could. We walked back to the dorms.
Twenty minutes later, a knock on my door. Kei had come back, wanting to play cards. We sat on the floor for two hours playing speed and it was the first time all day that my mind was occupied with something other than sadness. It was great.
I went to bed at two am and fell right to sleep...
It wasn't a night full of rest though. Nightmares kept me from a good night's sleep. I jumped awake several times and had to calm myself down before dozing off again. When ten am came, I couldn't get up. I skipped my STP class for the third time this semester and didn't wake up again until one pm. By this time, I felt completely depressed, but I forced myself to get up and get some work down. SSWO is driving me insane. Just thinking about it now filled my body with tension and anger. It is so unorganized, there is no order to anything! Everyone thinks that they know everything and heaven forbid they listen to something that their only underclassman member has to say. GOSH! The book sale is supposed to be (key words) next week and we are completely unprepared. I really don't even have time to worry about it this week, on top of two exams and two papers, a retreat, thirty hours of work, and the seventeen credit hours I convinced myself I could manage.
There are good things though! (sort of!) Tomorrow is Valentine's Day! Isn't that lovely? Roy and I aren't doing anything because school is important, and I'm kind of glad that he made that decision because it will force me to get some of my work done when I would have put it off. Damn, where are my priorities? Oh yes, that's right, not in order. Working on it though ---
It's already 11:30, I'm trying to stay awake until midnight so I can go over to Roy's and at least give him a "valentines kiss" or something? I really don't know...
I found out today that my gma is going in for surgery on Thursday. It was super nice for my mom to throw that in at the end of our conversation. "Mom, I've gotta go" "Oh, well pray for your gma on Thursday" Great! A nine hour surgery, not sure exactly why, but she's super old and that's why there is such a high risk factor. Trying not to think about it too much though. I'm not all that close with her... and she lives in SC... but she still sends cards for everything, and life will be a little less bright without her.
All of this just makes me think of Sandi. It's weird, there have been several people in my life pass, Uncle Warren, Gma Audrey(and I still cuddle with her blanket on bad days) and they were both a part of my life forever, but I actually had a friendship, a bond because we wanted to, not a family bond. Her death took the biggest toll on me than anyone else's had... I still have her obituary hanging on my wall. I kick myself every now and again for not trying harder to get in touch with her before it happened. I still have that card that I bought and never sent, "Get well will ya, there's not many people in this world that I like." WHY didn't I send it?!!
Random, but just popped in to my head, I am so angry at Topher. We went out for dinner tonight and when his dad called he made a big deal about "I wouldn't take calls from anyone other than him when I'm out with you" shortly thereafter, "hey crystal!" cuh. I wouldn't even care if he didn't make it a point to say what he did. THEN he goes on to let her pick out a place for us to have dinner, MEXICAN?! He knows how picky I am... cuh! Then, after saying he wanted to go to a place to sit down and be served, we went to Wendy's!!! WTFm? THEN he makes plans to go to the pool hall with Crystal. Okay, did we not just finish talking about the test he has on Thursday? And how he needs to make school his number one priority?? I called him on it and that didn't go very well...
Last night, after everything, I sent a really deep email to Lola. It was weird being that honest with her because she is so young, but I know how mature she is and that she would want to know everything that I said. I felt good afterwards, but I was hoping to hear back from her and I never did. I hope she's doing okay- there have been things she's written, whether in emails, or myspace, that have me very concerned about her well being.
Should I quit SSWO? What about SOLs?
Those are the kinds of thoughts I've been having...
Alright, going to try to unwind, do some reading and wait for midnight.
EDIT: 2/14/07 1:54am
Second night in a row up at two in the morning... don't know what my problem is. I did slip up today and have soda and chocolate after five, maybe that's why?
I went over to Roy's at midnight trying to be cute because technically it is valentine's day now. I spent four hours making that stupid card instead of just doing hw or studying and then he acts all strange. I just wish I knew why... if I did something wrong or if there was someone there or something, all I ask from anyone is the truth and I always end up sitting here wondering what it is... he didn't even say happy valentine's day. It's going to be another bad one, I can tell already and we're only two hours in... work at ten am... already don't want to go.
I'm getting to be at the point where all I want to do is lay in bed. Remember freshman year of high school, and spring semester of junior year, and spring semester of freshman year in college... I shut myself off from the world. Lay in bed all day with the door locked and lights off, hating life, hating myself, wishing I were dead, wondering why I bothered.
From Rent-
ROGER: I've been trying I'm not lying. No one's perfect I've got baggage
MIMI: Life's too short, babe, time is flying. I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine.
ROGER: I should tell, you-
MIMI: I've got baggage too.
Twenty minutes later, a knock on my door. Kei had come back, wanting to play cards. We sat on the floor for two hours playing speed and it was the first time all day that my mind was occupied with something other than sadness. It was great.
I went to bed at two am and fell right to sleep...
It wasn't a night full of rest though. Nightmares kept me from a good night's sleep. I jumped awake several times and had to calm myself down before dozing off again. When ten am came, I couldn't get up. I skipped my STP class for the third time this semester and didn't wake up again until one pm. By this time, I felt completely depressed, but I forced myself to get up and get some work down. SSWO is driving me insane. Just thinking about it now filled my body with tension and anger. It is so unorganized, there is no order to anything! Everyone thinks that they know everything and heaven forbid they listen to something that their only underclassman member has to say. GOSH! The book sale is supposed to be (key words) next week and we are completely unprepared. I really don't even have time to worry about it this week, on top of two exams and two papers, a retreat, thirty hours of work, and the seventeen credit hours I convinced myself I could manage.
There are good things though! (sort of!) Tomorrow is Valentine's Day! Isn't that lovely? Roy and I aren't doing anything because school is important, and I'm kind of glad that he made that decision because it will force me to get some of my work done when I would have put it off. Damn, where are my priorities? Oh yes, that's right, not in order. Working on it though ---
It's already 11:30, I'm trying to stay awake until midnight so I can go over to Roy's and at least give him a "valentines kiss" or something? I really don't know...
I found out today that my gma is going in for surgery on Thursday. It was super nice for my mom to throw that in at the end of our conversation. "Mom, I've gotta go" "Oh, well pray for your gma on Thursday" Great! A nine hour surgery, not sure exactly why, but she's super old and that's why there is such a high risk factor. Trying not to think about it too much though. I'm not all that close with her... and she lives in SC... but she still sends cards for everything, and life will be a little less bright without her.
All of this just makes me think of Sandi. It's weird, there have been several people in my life pass, Uncle Warren, Gma Audrey(and I still cuddle with her blanket on bad days) and they were both a part of my life forever, but I actually had a friendship, a bond because we wanted to, not a family bond. Her death took the biggest toll on me than anyone else's had... I still have her obituary hanging on my wall. I kick myself every now and again for not trying harder to get in touch with her before it happened. I still have that card that I bought and never sent, "Get well will ya, there's not many people in this world that I like." WHY didn't I send it?!!
Random, but just popped in to my head, I am so angry at Topher. We went out for dinner tonight and when his dad called he made a big deal about "I wouldn't take calls from anyone other than him when I'm out with you" shortly thereafter, "hey crystal!" cuh. I wouldn't even care if he didn't make it a point to say what he did. THEN he goes on to let her pick out a place for us to have dinner, MEXICAN?! He knows how picky I am... cuh! Then, after saying he wanted to go to a place to sit down and be served, we went to Wendy's!!! WTFm? THEN he makes plans to go to the pool hall with Crystal. Okay, did we not just finish talking about the test he has on Thursday? And how he needs to make school his number one priority?? I called him on it and that didn't go very well...
Last night, after everything, I sent a really deep email to Lola. It was weird being that honest with her because she is so young, but I know how mature she is and that she would want to know everything that I said. I felt good afterwards, but I was hoping to hear back from her and I never did. I hope she's doing okay- there have been things she's written, whether in emails, or myspace, that have me very concerned about her well being.
Should I quit SSWO? What about SOLs?
Those are the kinds of thoughts I've been having...
Alright, going to try to unwind, do some reading and wait for midnight.
EDIT: 2/14/07 1:54am
Second night in a row up at two in the morning... don't know what my problem is. I did slip up today and have soda and chocolate after five, maybe that's why?
I went over to Roy's at midnight trying to be cute because technically it is valentine's day now. I spent four hours making that stupid card instead of just doing hw or studying and then he acts all strange. I just wish I knew why... if I did something wrong or if there was someone there or something, all I ask from anyone is the truth and I always end up sitting here wondering what it is... he didn't even say happy valentine's day. It's going to be another bad one, I can tell already and we're only two hours in... work at ten am... already don't want to go.
I'm getting to be at the point where all I want to do is lay in bed. Remember freshman year of high school, and spring semester of junior year, and spring semester of freshman year in college... I shut myself off from the world. Lay in bed all day with the door locked and lights off, hating life, hating myself, wishing I were dead, wondering why I bothered.
From Rent-
ROGER: I've been trying I'm not lying. No one's perfect I've got baggage
MIMI: Life's too short, babe, time is flying. I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine.
ROGER: I should tell, you-
MIMI: I've got baggage too.