Globes and maps...
I woke up at 6:30 this morning with him lying next to me and my first thought was "I think you're incredible" I didn't say it, because it didn't seem like the right time, but boy did I feel it. It probably happens once a day, when I think to myself that this isn't real, that there's already so much baggage and fights that we're not going to be happy but then I get a text from him or see him and all of those doubts escape me instantly. It has been such a long time since I've had feelings like this for anyone, and I refuse to let go of that for anything. Typically, I would have walked away from these fights long ago... but he seems worth it. Could I be getting caught up and trapped in another boy's lies? Possibly, but I'll take my chances.
If only my days continued to be as good as they are in the morning when I first see him, but I'm not that lucky. I worked in TRiO today from 9-2 and it's a great job. The people I work with are so fun and kind, and the work itself is a piece of cake. My 2 o'clock class was a killer- I hate that class anyway because the teacher, although a great guy, cannot teach worth a damn! Normally, I spend an hour and fifteen minutes texting, day dreaming, or doodling... but today I was distracted from even that. Roy's ex Sarah is in that class and with all of the things I read in his el jay, I can't help but look at her differently than I used to. It's possible that there's a little bit of jealousy there, nothing that I'd ever speak up about because it's ridiculous, but I can't help but look at her and wonder how/why she is better than me.
I was ready to leave that class before it had even begun, but I forced myself to stay the entire time... then I had my weekly meeting with Kimberly. Up until today, it had been going well. I felt like I could talk to her and we had plans for progress, I had hope... so today, I confided in her things I wouldn't tell just anyone, and this is how it played out: I'm not only selfish, but also manipulative. Gee
That gave me a lot to think about. I spent the next 3 hours alone trying to calm myself down. It's so scary to me, how you can have this image of yourself that you're happy with but outsiders can see you a completely different way. What's the point of trying if you're not even percieved the way you want to be? It doesn't make me feel good to run myself in to the ground each day trying to make every person that I come in contact with happy, but I do it anyway because I thought it made other people feel good - apparently I was wrong and all it made people think was that I was selfish and needed to do everything for attention or something? I really don't fucking know, but it pushed me over the edge. OKAY, I have a problem... I needed to be needed. Tell me one person who doesn't?? I've had this conversation with myself before, in the context of social work, you can't be a social worker and expect to carry people... you gotta be their crutch until they are able to walk on their own and then you LET THEM! I'm still working on that...
The one thing Kimberly said that made any sense or applied to me AT ALL was that LIFE GOES ON! I have such a hard time accepting that. It's almost as if I want people to fail without me, or at least miss me enough for it to have some affect on their life. Example, LCRHA. Initially, when I left, I was waiting for the club the crash and burn... that way I would know that I was needed for them to succeed. Needless to say, they didn't fail. I turned that into them not needing me. WHICH in actuality, is NOT true. Without me, would the scavenger hunt have been a success? Would the constitution ever have been written? I helped with all of that, and I should just be proud of myself but it is so damn hard!
Another, EVERYONE in MA. Honestly, I get so pissed when I go home and no one even cares that I'm there. I've said it a hundred times and I'm going to say it once more (and then NEVER again) just to get it out of my system and verbalize how i SHOULD be looking at it. On Christmas, Kiera said to me "what do you want me to do!? Take three days off of work for you!?" my reply? "I took three weeks off of my LIFE for you!!"
...............
Yeah. Kiera is the most amazing person in my life. She is the best friend that I could ever ask for and I know how blessed I am to have her in my life. She is funny and knows how to cheer me up. She's the only person who shares my love of gossip and who speaks eejit fluently. GOSH I just love her with everything I've got. It hurts so bad for me to be away from her....
but I'm living without her.
And that's the point I'm trying to make to myself. Life goes on. It's hard, it's going to hurt like fucking hell sometimes. But as humans, we just keep living... we hurt for a while, but it gets easier and easier... it probably hurt Kiera just as bad as it hurt me when I first moved, but she's living without me (sort of, we still talk 24/7) and I should just be happy that she's happy. We're still best friends, and will always be.
I also had a wicked harsh realization today. I'm JUST like my father. I have this FUCKED up notion of what strength is. Up until today, my idea of strength was not showing anyone that you can hurt. Not showing sadness. That doesn't make you strong!! Why did I think that way???? Because of him. PLUS, as I've known forEVER, I get my work drive from him... fucking workaholic and I'm exactly like him.
All of these things were running through my head for hours, I fell asleep for a little while and when I woke up things were worse. The sun had set, my room was motionless, dark, silent. I felt so alone, so small and scared.
Roy brought me back to reality. I'm so thankful for him. I know that recently I've probably been really hard to live with, but he's been there for me and supportive and I couldn't ask for any more. From here, all I can hope is that I'm able to be the same for him and that little things stop getting in the way. This could be something really good.
Here's to a better week, pray for me.
"I'm both happy and sad - and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be" -PERKS
If only my days continued to be as good as they are in the morning when I first see him, but I'm not that lucky. I worked in TRiO today from 9-2 and it's a great job. The people I work with are so fun and kind, and the work itself is a piece of cake. My 2 o'clock class was a killer- I hate that class anyway because the teacher, although a great guy, cannot teach worth a damn! Normally, I spend an hour and fifteen minutes texting, day dreaming, or doodling... but today I was distracted from even that. Roy's ex Sarah is in that class and with all of the things I read in his el jay, I can't help but look at her differently than I used to. It's possible that there's a little bit of jealousy there, nothing that I'd ever speak up about because it's ridiculous, but I can't help but look at her and wonder how/why she is better than me.
I was ready to leave that class before it had even begun, but I forced myself to stay the entire time... then I had my weekly meeting with Kimberly. Up until today, it had been going well. I felt like I could talk to her and we had plans for progress, I had hope... so today, I confided in her things I wouldn't tell just anyone, and this is how it played out: I'm not only selfish, but also manipulative. Gee
That gave me a lot to think about. I spent the next 3 hours alone trying to calm myself down. It's so scary to me, how you can have this image of yourself that you're happy with but outsiders can see you a completely different way. What's the point of trying if you're not even percieved the way you want to be? It doesn't make me feel good to run myself in to the ground each day trying to make every person that I come in contact with happy, but I do it anyway because I thought it made other people feel good - apparently I was wrong and all it made people think was that I was selfish and needed to do everything for attention or something? I really don't fucking know, but it pushed me over the edge. OKAY, I have a problem... I needed to be needed. Tell me one person who doesn't?? I've had this conversation with myself before, in the context of social work, you can't be a social worker and expect to carry people... you gotta be their crutch until they are able to walk on their own and then you LET THEM! I'm still working on that...
The one thing Kimberly said that made any sense or applied to me AT ALL was that LIFE GOES ON! I have such a hard time accepting that. It's almost as if I want people to fail without me, or at least miss me enough for it to have some affect on their life. Example, LCRHA. Initially, when I left, I was waiting for the club the crash and burn... that way I would know that I was needed for them to succeed. Needless to say, they didn't fail. I turned that into them not needing me. WHICH in actuality, is NOT true. Without me, would the scavenger hunt have been a success? Would the constitution ever have been written? I helped with all of that, and I should just be proud of myself but it is so damn hard!
Another, EVERYONE in MA. Honestly, I get so pissed when I go home and no one even cares that I'm there. I've said it a hundred times and I'm going to say it once more (and then NEVER again) just to get it out of my system and verbalize how i SHOULD be looking at it. On Christmas, Kiera said to me "what do you want me to do!? Take three days off of work for you!?" my reply? "I took three weeks off of my LIFE for you!!"
...............
Yeah. Kiera is the most amazing person in my life. She is the best friend that I could ever ask for and I know how blessed I am to have her in my life. She is funny and knows how to cheer me up. She's the only person who shares my love of gossip and who speaks eejit fluently. GOSH I just love her with everything I've got. It hurts so bad for me to be away from her....
but I'm living without her.
And that's the point I'm trying to make to myself. Life goes on. It's hard, it's going to hurt like fucking hell sometimes. But as humans, we just keep living... we hurt for a while, but it gets easier and easier... it probably hurt Kiera just as bad as it hurt me when I first moved, but she's living without me (sort of, we still talk 24/7) and I should just be happy that she's happy. We're still best friends, and will always be.
I also had a wicked harsh realization today. I'm JUST like my father. I have this FUCKED up notion of what strength is. Up until today, my idea of strength was not showing anyone that you can hurt. Not showing sadness. That doesn't make you strong!! Why did I think that way???? Because of him. PLUS, as I've known forEVER, I get my work drive from him... fucking workaholic and I'm exactly like him.
All of these things were running through my head for hours, I fell asleep for a little while and when I woke up things were worse. The sun had set, my room was motionless, dark, silent. I felt so alone, so small and scared.
Roy brought me back to reality. I'm so thankful for him. I know that recently I've probably been really hard to live with, but he's been there for me and supportive and I couldn't ask for any more. From here, all I can hope is that I'm able to be the same for him and that little things stop getting in the way. This could be something really good.
Here's to a better week, pray for me.
"I'm both happy and sad - and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be" -PERKS