Back in Oklahoma
For all of my friends who don’t already know I peaced out on DC. There are no other words for what I did. I made up my mind one day to go back to Oklahoma and have a functional break down. Oklahoma is the only place that I can go to have a functional break down because it is the only place that is slow enough to not over take me. In Tulsa life is in slow motion I don’t have to race around all day just to keep up with my own life. It sucks, and I hate it here. But it is what is necessary for me right now…which is truly unfortunate for both myself and Mona. Because I am in Oklahoma I am therefore very far away from my soon to be ex-husband. And that is working out at the moment, but how I feel about getting a divorce changes every other minute. This whole leaving him, learning to take care of myself thing is really complicated and very hard. I never thought I would have to actively participate in making my own decisions ever again. And now that I have actively reassumed that role in my own life, I am finding that being an adult is a lot more difficult than I had envisioned. And living in Oklahoma is not easy-I don’t belong here. I feel out of place. I have only two really close friends here and one of them is family. I need my mother to be a mother but she has never been any good at it, and nothing has changed. I need her to understand me, and help me learn to take care of myself but she is useless. It is frustrating. I feel empty, lost, confused, and out of place but I am sticking to the plan. I am doing what I set out to do here. I have a job, and I will soon be moving into my new apartment. I can afford my student loans and my work will pay for me to go back to school. I have a 401k and medical benefits. I’m okay-I just don’t feel okay. I miss my friends and I miss the red walled cave. But all in all I will persevere.