Since You Asked
OOC: This is in response to a letter Llew Wheaton sent Raoul. You can read it here.
Dear Dad,
I didn't have any right to get mad at you like I did. It wouldn't make me feel any better if you were a prick. It wouldn't vindicate anything or anyone's decisions. All it would do is make me wonder how good of a person I could really be with a bloodline like that. I wonder sometimes anyway. Knowing nothing about my real mom, who really knows what I'm worth?
I guess you're such a big Light-damn hero that it could cancel out most of the bad.
I don't think anyone really just deserves the truth. Sometimes lies are a good thing and keep things stable. Sometimes they're necessary. But since you're asking for it, I don't mind telling you.
My name is Raoul. Just Raoul. I was told a middle name just serves to waste people's breath. Wheaton isn't legal (yet), Worthington pisses me off, and Whitefeather probably goes against what Sherry was trying to accomplish by ditching me.
I'm seventeen years old and I celebrate my birthday on October 18th but to be honest I'm not really sure when it is. I was adopted in December as a baby so it's probably in that neighborhood. I don't really care know.
I'm engaged to a girl named Amavia Delaurac (formally Amavia Hawkins). She doesn't know it, but I never call her by her first name when it's my choice. I only call her Amy to people she knows and when she might hear it. And only then because she'd probably freak out on me if she knew I was calling her Delaurac. She doesn't know it, but I think about leaving her all the time. The only reason I haven't is because I honestly love her. At least for now.
I don't have any kids. I don't know who my mother is.
I didn't know about you until you wrote me a letter.
The only thing I have any certainty in is the Holy Light. I have a really hard time following its teachings. I let a lot of people down because of this. Delaurac likes to glorify our cases, which is why I try to stop her from talking about them. She thinks I don't have medals because I'm modest. I turn them down because I don't deserve them. A lot of people have died when they needed me and Delaurac to be heroes.
You know I once watched an infant get stabbed to death on a stage?
Didn't stop it.
Didn't think it was real.
I'm pretty sure people don't deserve medals for that. So instead of medals I have a big corkboard in my room where I keep pictures and evidence from all the times I've fucked up. Every time I let someone die or get hurt because I wasn't fast enough or smart enough or brave enough. I keep an eye on the people we do save. Sometimes they die from symptoms well after the confetti falls and the cameras snap the pictures of the heroes shaking hands with the archmages.
We saved a woman during the 'Mirror Man' case who had been raped and had part of her face carved off. The only thing that got Delaurac through that case was knowing that we saved someone. So I haven't told Delaurac yet that the woman killed herself the month after. Emma-Lou Dandaholf was her name. She is one of three naked women I've ever held in my arms. She's the only naked woman I've ever carried into a clinic.
I tried to be very faithful to my first girlfriend. I don't want to talk about her but she existed and I guess it's a little late to lie about that.
Needless to say, that didn't work out. I'm seeing Delaurac now.
Delaurac and I started as an affair. I've wanted to sleep with her since the day we met even when we were both with other people at the time. She's the only woman I've ever wanted like that. There are a lot of beautiful women out there but I've never wanted to fuck a girl for being pretty. I've never fed a girl a bunch of lies to get her in bed with me. I've never gotten a girl drunk just to get in her pants. That's not the kind of love I'm looking for.
Delaurac's different in that way. I did a lot of crazy things to get her closer to me. Sometimes I did things that probably hurt my cause instead of helping it. I helped her sleep with her boyfriend one last time when he was in prison by creating a distraction for the guards. Crazy as fel. Even though I knew he was an evil bastard, I helped her because she believed in him. One of those guards ended up dying because of that. I watched him stab that guard in the back and drain out her soul so that he could escape.
He's still out there.
I'm only telling you this because I want you to know that while you were off having the time of your life, I was fucking up every responsibility I was ever given. Even with you back in my life, I fuck them up on a regular basis. So I guess if you being around would have changed that, it wouldn't have changed it much.
I want to make you proud but I don't know what to tell you that isn't a lie.
I fight a lot. Usually I win.
I can hold more than a few drinks.
I steal shit too when Delaurac isn't watching.
I stole two kittens. I'd bring them by, but you just said you're allergic.
I love you, Dad.
Dear Dad,
I didn't have any right to get mad at you like I did. It wouldn't make me feel any better if you were a prick. It wouldn't vindicate anything or anyone's decisions. All it would do is make me wonder how good of a person I could really be with a bloodline like that. I wonder sometimes anyway. Knowing nothing about my real mom, who really knows what I'm worth?
I guess you're such a big Light-damn hero that it could cancel out most of the bad.
I don't think anyone really just deserves the truth. Sometimes lies are a good thing and keep things stable. Sometimes they're necessary. But since you're asking for it, I don't mind telling you.
My name is Raoul. Just Raoul. I was told a middle name just serves to waste people's breath. Wheaton isn't legal (yet), Worthington pisses me off, and Whitefeather probably goes against what Sherry was trying to accomplish by ditching me.
I'm seventeen years old and I celebrate my birthday on October 18th but to be honest I'm not really sure when it is. I was adopted in December as a baby so it's probably in that neighborhood. I don't really care know.
I'm engaged to a girl named Amavia Delaurac (formally Amavia Hawkins). She doesn't know it, but I never call her by her first name when it's my choice. I only call her Amy to people she knows and when she might hear it. And only then because she'd probably freak out on me if she knew I was calling her Delaurac. She doesn't know it, but I think about leaving her all the time. The only reason I haven't is because I honestly love her. At least for now.
I don't have any kids. I don't know who my mother is.
I didn't know about you until you wrote me a letter.
The only thing I have any certainty in is the Holy Light. I have a really hard time following its teachings. I let a lot of people down because of this. Delaurac likes to glorify our cases, which is why I try to stop her from talking about them. She thinks I don't have medals because I'm modest. I turn them down because I don't deserve them. A lot of people have died when they needed me and Delaurac to be heroes.
You know I once watched an infant get stabbed to death on a stage?
Didn't stop it.
Didn't think it was real.
I'm pretty sure people don't deserve medals for that. So instead of medals I have a big corkboard in my room where I keep pictures and evidence from all the times I've fucked up. Every time I let someone die or get hurt because I wasn't fast enough or smart enough or brave enough. I keep an eye on the people we do save. Sometimes they die from symptoms well after the confetti falls and the cameras snap the pictures of the heroes shaking hands with the archmages.
We saved a woman during the 'Mirror Man' case who had been raped and had part of her face carved off. The only thing that got Delaurac through that case was knowing that we saved someone. So I haven't told Delaurac yet that the woman killed herself the month after. Emma-Lou Dandaholf was her name. She is one of three naked women I've ever held in my arms. She's the only naked woman I've ever carried into a clinic.
I tried to be very faithful to my first girlfriend. I don't want to talk about her but she existed and I guess it's a little late to lie about that.
Needless to say, that didn't work out. I'm seeing Delaurac now.
Delaurac and I started as an affair. I've wanted to sleep with her since the day we met even when we were both with other people at the time. She's the only woman I've ever wanted like that. There are a lot of beautiful women out there but I've never wanted to fuck a girl for being pretty. I've never fed a girl a bunch of lies to get her in bed with me. I've never gotten a girl drunk just to get in her pants. That's not the kind of love I'm looking for.
Delaurac's different in that way. I did a lot of crazy things to get her closer to me. Sometimes I did things that probably hurt my cause instead of helping it. I helped her sleep with her boyfriend one last time when he was in prison by creating a distraction for the guards. Crazy as fel. Even though I knew he was an evil bastard, I helped her because she believed in him. One of those guards ended up dying because of that. I watched him stab that guard in the back and drain out her soul so that he could escape.
He's still out there.
I'm only telling you this because I want you to know that while you were off having the time of your life, I was fucking up every responsibility I was ever given. Even with you back in my life, I fuck them up on a regular basis. So I guess if you being around would have changed that, it wouldn't have changed it much.
I want to make you proud but I don't know what to tell you that isn't a lie.
I fight a lot. Usually I win.
I can hold more than a few drinks.
I steal shit too when Delaurac isn't watching.
I stole two kittens. I'd bring them by, but you just said you're allergic.
I love you, Dad.