It's A Family Affair (Interlude)
What kind of love brings such contusions?
All these band-aids the world can see
What is this shame we're here to tell you?
It's sibling rivalry
Dear Journal,
So for the past couple of days I have been in Memphis, TN. Visiting my family. The trip is going very well and it has been so good to see my family and catch-up with some of them, but it will be hard to see everyone. I wish I had more time. I wish I had time to foster stronger connections with my family - especially in light of my grandmother's passing a few months ago.
I understand that a lot of this comes from having spent the majority of 10 years of not really being in contact with my extended family and I do feel very guilty about that. I missed out on a lot and I feel like I am constantly catching up. I especially feel this way towards my aunt, mother's sister, and pretty much my second mother. She was to be my guardian in case anything happened to my mother. Thereby I have always considered her children, Viv and Chris, to be my older siblings. Always have. Actually, I shoulder explain I am in many ways an only child and also not. I have a real sister from my father's side who I am estranged with and a nephew from her who is 4 years younger than me. I have grown up with several of my cousins whom I refer to as my siblings because much of our relationship (on my end at least) felt like what I imagine a sibling relationship would be.
This is not about me lamenting over anything - I am writing this because there's something I have wanted to get off my chest but never had the courage to say it or have someone to say it to who would really understand it: I wish my mom honestly had more children. I wish I had my own real siblings, and while I do consider my cousins my siblings - I do not always feel the feeling is mutual, but I'm not sure if that's because my perception of what sibling relationships look like is entirely accurate. My mom had plenty of brothers and sisters. Her views about family are different than mine....and the one person that everyone seems to think I have a sibling relationship is the last person I want my family to keep associating me with. We can call her "Blossom." I love her, but I don't like her. She has been nothing short of incredibly mean and rude to me for the majority of my life and she has never once said "I'm sorry" or even so much as an "I like you as a person." She loves my mother, but I receive the coldest treatment from her. It has upset me much in the past and for a long time I wanted a better relationship with Blossom, but I recognize that at this point she does not want one and so I walk away from it.
But then I think of the others - LuLu, Viv and Chris.....and I love them. I love them so much. I look up to all of them. In fact I am the baby of the "five of us" honestly. But while Blossom is between LuLu and Viv in age, she is often jealous of me (so they say) and seems to want to be the only one in my mom's eye. Now, Viv and LuLu still see me this way as their baby brother, but Chris....is a strange one. Probably because he's so quiet with everyone until he gets to his random chatter. I have always loved him and even when I was younger I constantly compared myself to him because he was just....better. He has always been an attractive person without ever having an ugly phase, athletic, girls liked him, he was most people's favorite cousin. They even nicknamed him "Baby Bro" .....Everyone just liked him. On the other hand I became snarky, sarcastic, and had to make people laugh in order to get them to like or notice me. Even now, I still don't know he feels about ME....I'm honestly afraid to ask, but he treats me almost no differently than before and in that sense I take some comfort....I think.
It has been hard for me being an "only child" when in reality I have, since I was very young, always wished I wasn't. Actually, I wished I had a twin brother. I feel better having said all of this, I do. That does not change the complexity of the situations, but I think it has helped me accept that complexity. I do love them - to me they will always be my big siblings. My big sisters and my Big Bro - I love you more than words can ever express.
For the record - when asked about my sibling background I do list that I have five siblings (I include my real sister in the line-up despite not having much of a relationship with her. It's a long story in that situation, but I do like her as a person. She's very nice honestly. We're just not close).
A brother and a sister
We're trying not to boast
But we can't help believing
That we'll always be this close
~KM
All these band-aids the world can see
What is this shame we're here to tell you?
It's sibling rivalry
Dear Journal,
So for the past couple of days I have been in Memphis, TN. Visiting my family. The trip is going very well and it has been so good to see my family and catch-up with some of them, but it will be hard to see everyone. I wish I had more time. I wish I had time to foster stronger connections with my family - especially in light of my grandmother's passing a few months ago.
I understand that a lot of this comes from having spent the majority of 10 years of not really being in contact with my extended family and I do feel very guilty about that. I missed out on a lot and I feel like I am constantly catching up. I especially feel this way towards my aunt, mother's sister, and pretty much my second mother. She was to be my guardian in case anything happened to my mother. Thereby I have always considered her children, Viv and Chris, to be my older siblings. Always have. Actually, I shoulder explain I am in many ways an only child and also not. I have a real sister from my father's side who I am estranged with and a nephew from her who is 4 years younger than me. I have grown up with several of my cousins whom I refer to as my siblings because much of our relationship (on my end at least) felt like what I imagine a sibling relationship would be.
This is not about me lamenting over anything - I am writing this because there's something I have wanted to get off my chest but never had the courage to say it or have someone to say it to who would really understand it: I wish my mom honestly had more children. I wish I had my own real siblings, and while I do consider my cousins my siblings - I do not always feel the feeling is mutual, but I'm not sure if that's because my perception of what sibling relationships look like is entirely accurate. My mom had plenty of brothers and sisters. Her views about family are different than mine....and the one person that everyone seems to think I have a sibling relationship is the last person I want my family to keep associating me with. We can call her "Blossom." I love her, but I don't like her. She has been nothing short of incredibly mean and rude to me for the majority of my life and she has never once said "I'm sorry" or even so much as an "I like you as a person." She loves my mother, but I receive the coldest treatment from her. It has upset me much in the past and for a long time I wanted a better relationship with Blossom, but I recognize that at this point she does not want one and so I walk away from it.
But then I think of the others - LuLu, Viv and Chris.....and I love them. I love them so much. I look up to all of them. In fact I am the baby of the "five of us" honestly. But while Blossom is between LuLu and Viv in age, she is often jealous of me (so they say) and seems to want to be the only one in my mom's eye. Now, Viv and LuLu still see me this way as their baby brother, but Chris....is a strange one. Probably because he's so quiet with everyone until he gets to his random chatter. I have always loved him and even when I was younger I constantly compared myself to him because he was just....better. He has always been an attractive person without ever having an ugly phase, athletic, girls liked him, he was most people's favorite cousin. They even nicknamed him "Baby Bro" .....Everyone just liked him. On the other hand I became snarky, sarcastic, and had to make people laugh in order to get them to like or notice me. Even now, I still don't know he feels about ME....I'm honestly afraid to ask, but he treats me almost no differently than before and in that sense I take some comfort....I think.
It has been hard for me being an "only child" when in reality I have, since I was very young, always wished I wasn't. Actually, I wished I had a twin brother. I feel better having said all of this, I do. That does not change the complexity of the situations, but I think it has helped me accept that complexity. I do love them - to me they will always be my big siblings. My big sisters and my Big Bro - I love you more than words can ever express.
For the record - when asked about my sibling background I do list that I have five siblings (I include my real sister in the line-up despite not having much of a relationship with her. It's a long story in that situation, but I do like her as a person. She's very nice honestly. We're just not close).
A brother and a sister
We're trying not to boast
But we can't help believing
That we'll always be this close
~KM