Back From Memphis/No Angst For Me!
Dear Journal,
So I'm back from Memphis and it was definitely a good time even if I didn't see everyone that I would have liked to see, but I had some awesome conversations with some of my cousins...and to see my babies growing into their teenage years. It warms my heart (even if I had to check them a few times). I went off real bad one tonight because my cousin, Jerry, damn near pissed me off - though it was him being a normal teenager. It's weird, though, to think of them as teenagers now. Mostly, because it is aging me and it is also reminding me that I really am 30. There are whole generations of cousins behind me now.....again, so weird. I'm really getting older.
Not that I'm trying to fret about that anymore. I was so ballistic about my 30th birthday not going the way it was planned, but I'm over that now that it happened. It's only a number and so what if it did not go as planned, it turned alright regardless. However, now I'm back from Memphis and still hunting for a job hardcore after my job at Change is over (mercifully) and as I'm waiting for God to prepare the next step I'm here hunting for jobs and going insane in the meantime. By that, I mean a few things.
I'm bored as shit. I'm not afraid to admit it at this point. But, I'm really, really bored. I need to productive and there's a bunch of things I could do, but I need to get out of the house on the regular. I am a homebody by nature, but for me there's a point when it becomes unhealthy. I also think I'm battling with video game addiction in the sense that I'm using my games to alleviate the boredom and to replace what I could be doing in real life. I'm actually being more honest with my friends about this too now - which makes me feel a little more authentic.
However, there are still some of those insecurities about not living the full and optimal life I should be. I should figure out what that life really looks like and start breaking it down into measurable goals. It sounds easy, but I'm just as mystified as before about how to do this. Nothing has changed in that area. I'm more open to different experiences, but locating those experiences and developing a healthy active social life and local support network has always been an area of deficit for me. So...I've been considering a few options. 1. is to move to a city that more suits my needs or just focus on the experiences themselves. Some things you just had to do by yourself.
That still does not account for the shyness, but at this point I gotta start somewhere. I think about this latter part not only because I'm bored and want some more fulfillment in my unemployed downtime as well as wanting fulfillment in life, but tonight I was at Kenny's house for a viewing party and just listening to the guys talk about all their travel exploits and their constant adventuring (and debauchery) it sounded so thrilling and exciting. I felt very inadequate next to them knowing that my traveling experiences have been limited. But I had to internally stop my thoughts and calm myself this is when I consciously realized: I'm in a MUCH, MUCH different place than these people....that's ok.
I have not been financially stable for some time and am at the beginning of a career where, by nature, the only way you're going to get paid LOTS of money is to get creative and really work on your own. But, I'm also not at the level in my career where I can work independently, yet and that is something I have to be honest about. My shit is gonna take some time and I'm trying to compare myself with people who are more established in their lives, and the last 10-12 years have seen sooo many changes and inconsistencies. So, I can't travel or do things on that level....but it does give me a goal to strive towards though. Maybe, I'll go for a goal of one out of country trip each year......of course when I have sources of revenue coming back in again.
I hope you can see that as I come back to writing again you will pick up on me trying to take on a more positive and solution-focused perspective as opposed to when I was younger and every post was filled with angst. I mean, I still angst and all, but lately has been the first time in a loooooong while I have had some struggle with it. When I'm 40 I want to be in such a different place - well established career, vibrant life (with a family hopefully), and in a relationship with someone who truly loves me and appreciates me, among many, many other things I want. Most importantly, I don't want Fear and Social Anxiety/Shyness to rule my life and keep me from getting out of life what I can.
One Day at a Time,
~KM
So I'm back from Memphis and it was definitely a good time even if I didn't see everyone that I would have liked to see, but I had some awesome conversations with some of my cousins...and to see my babies growing into their teenage years. It warms my heart (even if I had to check them a few times). I went off real bad one tonight because my cousin, Jerry, damn near pissed me off - though it was him being a normal teenager. It's weird, though, to think of them as teenagers now. Mostly, because it is aging me and it is also reminding me that I really am 30. There are whole generations of cousins behind me now.....again, so weird. I'm really getting older.
Not that I'm trying to fret about that anymore. I was so ballistic about my 30th birthday not going the way it was planned, but I'm over that now that it happened. It's only a number and so what if it did not go as planned, it turned alright regardless. However, now I'm back from Memphis and still hunting for a job hardcore after my job at Change is over (mercifully) and as I'm waiting for God to prepare the next step I'm here hunting for jobs and going insane in the meantime. By that, I mean a few things.
I'm bored as shit. I'm not afraid to admit it at this point. But, I'm really, really bored. I need to productive and there's a bunch of things I could do, but I need to get out of the house on the regular. I am a homebody by nature, but for me there's a point when it becomes unhealthy. I also think I'm battling with video game addiction in the sense that I'm using my games to alleviate the boredom and to replace what I could be doing in real life. I'm actually being more honest with my friends about this too now - which makes me feel a little more authentic.
However, there are still some of those insecurities about not living the full and optimal life I should be. I should figure out what that life really looks like and start breaking it down into measurable goals. It sounds easy, but I'm just as mystified as before about how to do this. Nothing has changed in that area. I'm more open to different experiences, but locating those experiences and developing a healthy active social life and local support network has always been an area of deficit for me. So...I've been considering a few options. 1. is to move to a city that more suits my needs or just focus on the experiences themselves. Some things you just had to do by yourself.
That still does not account for the shyness, but at this point I gotta start somewhere. I think about this latter part not only because I'm bored and want some more fulfillment in my unemployed downtime as well as wanting fulfillment in life, but tonight I was at Kenny's house for a viewing party and just listening to the guys talk about all their travel exploits and their constant adventuring (and debauchery) it sounded so thrilling and exciting. I felt very inadequate next to them knowing that my traveling experiences have been limited. But I had to internally stop my thoughts and calm myself this is when I consciously realized: I'm in a MUCH, MUCH different place than these people....that's ok.
I have not been financially stable for some time and am at the beginning of a career where, by nature, the only way you're going to get paid LOTS of money is to get creative and really work on your own. But, I'm also not at the level in my career where I can work independently, yet and that is something I have to be honest about. My shit is gonna take some time and I'm trying to compare myself with people who are more established in their lives, and the last 10-12 years have seen sooo many changes and inconsistencies. So, I can't travel or do things on that level....but it does give me a goal to strive towards though. Maybe, I'll go for a goal of one out of country trip each year......of course when I have sources of revenue coming back in again.
I hope you can see that as I come back to writing again you will pick up on me trying to take on a more positive and solution-focused perspective as opposed to when I was younger and every post was filled with angst. I mean, I still angst and all, but lately has been the first time in a loooooong while I have had some struggle with it. When I'm 40 I want to be in such a different place - well established career, vibrant life (with a family hopefully), and in a relationship with someone who truly loves me and appreciates me, among many, many other things I want. Most importantly, I don't want Fear and Social Anxiety/Shyness to rule my life and keep me from getting out of life what I can.
One Day at a Time,
~KM