Patience of Another Kind
Today has been a good day. And, like most caregivers for toddlers, I classify a good day as a day in which there have been no major meltdowns, no tantrums, no sassing, no "because I said NO" discussions. These days don't come often, and they are a treasure (as well as being really good for my mental and emotional health).
However, I find that I approach these days differently than I did when my own kids were little. My oldest will be 18 tomorrow, so I've had time for my philosophy on parenting to mellow, to mature, to become refined by experience.
When my boys were little, I viewed parenting as though days like this should be the norm. By which I mean that any day where all of these qualifications weren't met was a failure. According to this standard, most of the time we were flailing: I as the mom, the boys as...well, the boys. I would spend afternoons wondering where I had gone wrong. Why couldn't the kids just be happy? Why could we just have perpetual harmony?
Now, my view is a little different. Because Krystal's job at this point is not to be a robot toddler, one who simply does without questioning. Yes, we as caregivers are to set a standard of behavior...but her job is to figure out why she should do as we say. Her job is to figure out whether she can trust what we say. Is what we tell her good? Or does it hurt? Are we shouting because she's in danger? Or are we just shouting because we're shouting?
Kids go through phases where most of what they do is question. And questioning--and the conflict that can come with that--is not the enemy. A perfect toddler (or kid, or teenager) isn't one who never questions, never wonders, never acts out. They are a toddler or kid or teenager who learn--over time--the limits and then question, wonder, and act out within the bounds of respect and love.
When days like this happen, they are great opportunities to lavish with praise. "Good helping!" I say. "Thanks for listening!" "You're a great shopper!" "Way to go!" While those build lots of positive reinforcement and illustrate love, I've come to believe that it is in the days of tantrums and teething and tears that Krystal is able to understand the depth of our love, and to learn to trust. After all, it's easy to praise and celebrate when everything is delightful...but we reveal our hearts the most when it's slow going.
So today, I'm treasuring a good day: complaint-free shopping, pleasant mealtimes, and lots of hugs. But if tomorrow is full of tantrum and tears and complaint, I will love her anyway and try to keep my cool...and together, we'll work towards lots of good days.
However, I find that I approach these days differently than I did when my own kids were little. My oldest will be 18 tomorrow, so I've had time for my philosophy on parenting to mellow, to mature, to become refined by experience.
When my boys were little, I viewed parenting as though days like this should be the norm. By which I mean that any day where all of these qualifications weren't met was a failure. According to this standard, most of the time we were flailing: I as the mom, the boys as...well, the boys. I would spend afternoons wondering where I had gone wrong. Why couldn't the kids just be happy? Why could we just have perpetual harmony?
Now, my view is a little different. Because Krystal's job at this point is not to be a robot toddler, one who simply does without questioning. Yes, we as caregivers are to set a standard of behavior...but her job is to figure out why she should do as we say. Her job is to figure out whether she can trust what we say. Is what we tell her good? Or does it hurt? Are we shouting because she's in danger? Or are we just shouting because we're shouting?
Kids go through phases where most of what they do is question. And questioning--and the conflict that can come with that--is not the enemy. A perfect toddler (or kid, or teenager) isn't one who never questions, never wonders, never acts out. They are a toddler or kid or teenager who learn--over time--the limits and then question, wonder, and act out within the bounds of respect and love.
When days like this happen, they are great opportunities to lavish with praise. "Good helping!" I say. "Thanks for listening!" "You're a great shopper!" "Way to go!" While those build lots of positive reinforcement and illustrate love, I've come to believe that it is in the days of tantrums and teething and tears that Krystal is able to understand the depth of our love, and to learn to trust. After all, it's easy to praise and celebrate when everything is delightful...but we reveal our hearts the most when it's slow going.
So today, I'm treasuring a good day: complaint-free shopping, pleasant mealtimes, and lots of hugs. But if tomorrow is full of tantrum and tears and complaint, I will love her anyway and try to keep my cool...and together, we'll work towards lots of good days.