Chance Meetings
So, walking to lunch with Sean today, I finally saw him. I'd been scanning faces since Saturday, just looking for him. When I finally realized it was him, it was a fight to just keep moving and not just... stop. Sean was being his normal, annoying, talkative self, and as soon as I saw Jack, that was where all of my mental processing went. Keep moving forward, cut out distractions. I basically told Sean to shut up and go inside. To give me a minute. He did. Charles tried to text, but I told him to give me some time.
I put down my book bag. Took off the coat. Sat down in the chair next to him. We talked for a bit. Charles joined us after a bit, and the conversation ended with Stephanie and Stephen showing up so Jack and Stephen could go to Charleston. I gave him a hug. Told him to call me sometime.
It took less than an hour, and I've been screwed up all day since. It's a weird feeling for me... But I collected a few of my thoughts on paper throughout the rest of the day:
"You were gone for so long. I didn't think you'd come back. I got used to it. I was here, you weren't, and you wouldn't be. I tried to get used to it. Tried to move on. Things were working out...
And now you're back, and I'm not sure how to feel. Elated, that you're here. Empty, that we didn't hug. Sad that when you said goodbye, it might, again, feel like the last time.
In the time you were away I tried to become better. Stronger. More self-sufficient. And within moments of seeing you, I felt just as awkward, weak in the knees, and nervously desiring of your approval as when we first met.
I'm not sure the words truly convey the meaning: I missed you. I hadn't had the chance to say how much I enjoyed your company, and now that you're back it's like you never left. Except that you did. You said nothing. Avoided me. We both grew. Had our issues. And now, here we are. Almost like when we first started...
I missed you. Things changed, but I never stopped caring."
"My heart beats faster. My stomatch churns. I'm aware of every muscle around my eyes, and down my neck. My arms shake, and my fingers feel twitchy. My body keeps flushing hot and cold. Thoughts roll around my head, and an ache is growing in the front of my head. I don't know how to feel.
I'm happy. Sad. Angry. Forgiving. Desirous of... something. I can't really pinpoint it.
I missed him being around. I missed just hearing him speak. Hearing him laugh. Watching him smile. and tears spring up just remembering them. I can't tell if it's happy or sad. Am I happy that I could still make him smile, or sad that it may be the last time I get to?
Then I think about how any time I do just about anything it could be the last time. I should just be happy. I can still make him smile. Laugh. No matter what else, even if I never see him again, I made him smile. It was like old times. And the nostalgia both hurts and thrills me.
"He's just visiting," they remind me.
I know. I guess I should just make the most of it. If he's leaving, I want him to be able to say goodbye this time.
Is that so hard? But I shouldn't be bitter. He wanted to see me. It may have been a chance meeting, but it meant a lot. Until next we meet... Goodbye."
And so my thoughts went all evening. I've felt like crying, puking, smiling, singing, taking a nap... It's just a rollercoaster in my head right now, and I'm not sure when it will end.
Steven advises me not to "make the most of it, the way high schoolers would." I'm not really sure of what he means, because I didn't do that sort of thing in high school. This is all new to me. I guess... I just want a chance to make things right. To apologize for what happened. It wasn't entirely my fault, but if I could fix that one small thing, maybe this would make sense.
I guess he needs to get back from Charleston first.
I put down my book bag. Took off the coat. Sat down in the chair next to him. We talked for a bit. Charles joined us after a bit, and the conversation ended with Stephanie and Stephen showing up so Jack and Stephen could go to Charleston. I gave him a hug. Told him to call me sometime.
It took less than an hour, and I've been screwed up all day since. It's a weird feeling for me... But I collected a few of my thoughts on paper throughout the rest of the day:
"You were gone for so long. I didn't think you'd come back. I got used to it. I was here, you weren't, and you wouldn't be. I tried to get used to it. Tried to move on. Things were working out...
And now you're back, and I'm not sure how to feel. Elated, that you're here. Empty, that we didn't hug. Sad that when you said goodbye, it might, again, feel like the last time.
In the time you were away I tried to become better. Stronger. More self-sufficient. And within moments of seeing you, I felt just as awkward, weak in the knees, and nervously desiring of your approval as when we first met.
I'm not sure the words truly convey the meaning: I missed you. I hadn't had the chance to say how much I enjoyed your company, and now that you're back it's like you never left. Except that you did. You said nothing. Avoided me. We both grew. Had our issues. And now, here we are. Almost like when we first started...
I missed you. Things changed, but I never stopped caring."
"My heart beats faster. My stomatch churns. I'm aware of every muscle around my eyes, and down my neck. My arms shake, and my fingers feel twitchy. My body keeps flushing hot and cold. Thoughts roll around my head, and an ache is growing in the front of my head. I don't know how to feel.
I'm happy. Sad. Angry. Forgiving. Desirous of... something. I can't really pinpoint it.
I missed him being around. I missed just hearing him speak. Hearing him laugh. Watching him smile. and tears spring up just remembering them. I can't tell if it's happy or sad. Am I happy that I could still make him smile, or sad that it may be the last time I get to?
Then I think about how any time I do just about anything it could be the last time. I should just be happy. I can still make him smile. Laugh. No matter what else, even if I never see him again, I made him smile. It was like old times. And the nostalgia both hurts and thrills me.
"He's just visiting," they remind me.
I know. I guess I should just make the most of it. If he's leaving, I want him to be able to say goodbye this time.
Is that so hard? But I shouldn't be bitter. He wanted to see me. It may have been a chance meeting, but it meant a lot. Until next we meet... Goodbye."
And so my thoughts went all evening. I've felt like crying, puking, smiling, singing, taking a nap... It's just a rollercoaster in my head right now, and I'm not sure when it will end.
Steven advises me not to "make the most of it, the way high schoolers would." I'm not really sure of what he means, because I didn't do that sort of thing in high school. This is all new to me. I guess... I just want a chance to make things right. To apologize for what happened. It wasn't entirely my fault, but if I could fix that one small thing, maybe this would make sense.
I guess he needs to get back from Charleston first.