Bored, whatevas, this will be long
WARNING: Contains random emotional bullshit that I urge nobody to read at all, so if you're looking at my livejournal, wait till my next post, cuz this one is just venting.
It's about 6:11 in the morning and I've been sleepin at Eric's house the last few days. Nothin really to do and we've stayed up all night because, hell, why sleep when Alex has to pick us up at 7 to go to her ranch in Clayton. So while he's in the shower I thought I'd post an update
Alrighty, first off, Emmah and I broke up again. I personally didn't want to at all but I guess I just didn't have my shit together. She wants a life that as of right now I can't give her, well, not completely, and I already had my second chance but in many senses blew it. Oh well, I let it get to me last time, no need for sad/harsh feelings this time. Can't say I'm not at all attatched but even now in our broken up state I don't think I can give her what she asks for. Mixed feelings and such, not on her part really it seems, more on mine. From my perspective the break-up was more of her choice, not that mutual even though I did provoke it. A lot. But I don't want to lead her on. Don't want to lead myself on.
Other than that haven't been doin a damn thing. Drunk as hell the other day, that was entertaining, might do it again today. Mike wants to and I haven't kicked it with him that much lately. So I figure hand me a bottle of Jim Beam and turn me loose; I'll be straight for the night. Perhaps even enjoying myself. Hopefully
Gah, I don't want to have an emo LiveJournal but as of right now all I can think about is emo shit. I couldn't do the relationship again because I know we will just break up again, this time even sooner I bet. And I don't want to have an on and off relationship and then have to explain all of the things I did while we were off and regret them even more. But I definitely don't want to lose her as a friend. My attraction to her is just too strong and so when I'm around her or when I talk to her, I want to be with her, to do things with her, share our nights in hotel rooms again. But I also understand that right now it's not meant to be. Her words actually, not mine, but I understand where she's coming from. We both mutually agreed that we aren't what each other want/need right now. Another lie on my part, unfortunately I've been doing that a lot, but hell, I can be honest now. I'm not what she needs right now and I know that, and so I'd rather have a clean break-up then argue a lot and try to explain my point. She told me that I'm not what she wants or needs right now and so I'd rather let her go knowing that there's better for her out there and drown in my own sorrows (and some whiskey) then try to fight it out.
I'm sick of fighting, and I know I cause many of the larger fights. I went back into the relationship saying I was going to be different and I was. But a lot of it wasn't necessarily good different. And I now understand completely why a lot of her ex boyfriends still want to get back with her. I wont allow myself though, I could care less if it's unhealthy for me, I just don't want it to be unhealthy for her.
I don't quite understand her latest entry, simply because I don't honestly think either of us have a damn clue what we REALLY want. There's a reason why old people say "You wont know what you want until you're older, and by the time you know you'll be too old to do it." She wants something permanent but I know of nothing permanent, so I can only give her now. But for all either of us know, in a year I could want something permanent and she could be wanting something now and it can reverse. Niether of us are old enough to truly desire something forever, all I can say is she's the only girl whom when I think of taking it day by day with, I've also thought "Tomorrow too as well." So what else is there to say? She wants to think far into the future, I can't do that. But I can think of tomorrow and what we should do then. Or next week. Or what we're doing this Friday night. And she's sick of partying and just kickin it. That's okay. I just feel detatched from my old life since I live a commute away, so I try to spend as much time as possible out here being social. And her past was a lot more social then mine, so I'm just kinda makin up for what I didn't do in the past. So I like partying and being social. That's really the one thing that I want that she doesn't. And even that can change.
And since I'm still attatched I don't want to just have a physical relationship. Or do I. Hell if I know, part of me does and part of me is like "Nope, then you'll never let go." That's what I need to do. Just let her go. Hopefully she has better luck with guys in the future then she did with me. I always told her that I didn't deserve her. So this is what I'm doing.
For her:
I'm sorry for being dishonest
I'm sorry for hiding things
I'm sorry for thinking that it'd be better if you didn't know
I'm sorry for arguing
I'm sorry for blowing up that one night
I'm sorry for not elaborating
I'm sorry for breaking your heart
I'm sorry if I ever do it again
I'm sorry if I've led you on
I'm sorry for "day by day"
I'm sorry I can't give you what you need, although I try
I'm sorry for making so many mistakes
I'm sorry for letting small shit get to me
I'm sorry for being private
I'm sorry for only giving you now, and not the later
I'm sorry for not talking things out
I'm sorry for telling you I'm sorry so much, since you hate it so much, or if you think I don't mean it
For me:
I'm sorry for fucking up
I'm sorry for fucking up the second time
I'm sorry for all those fuck-ups between the first and the second time
I'm sorry for all the minor fuck-ups that occured during the first and second times
I'm sorry for that fuck-up way back in the day that I just can't forget
I'm sorry for getting your hopes up
I'm sorry for being a dumbass and not telling the whole truth everytime, even if it hurts
I'm sorry for hurting, cuz when it hurts it sucks ass
I'm sorry for not being what she wants me to be, because all that I am I want to give her
I'm sorry if you're potentially not ready for something that could be forever
I'm sorry that you don't understand forever, since you have never seen anything even close to forever
I'm sorry for broken-heartedness
I'm sorry for posting such a long dumbass emo livejournal
K, just called Alex and she didn't pick up meaning I might not have a seat in her truck on the way to Clayton, so I might be fucked for the day. Oh well, there's gotta be something stupid I can get into that hopefully leaves me inebriated.
Oh yeah, what else has been going on in my life? My grandparents are starting to show signs of tiring of my company and my money-requirements. This means that there could very soon be a large argument which will conclude in my leaving and not going back. Here's the catch, I have no job/money, meaning I will either be sleeping on a different couch everynight, or perhaps sometimes in my car until my dad gets back, perhaps longer. However, I'm strangely comfortable with the idea. I've been living day by day for about 6 months now and so I'm cool with the concept that I don't know where I'm sleeping tomorrow, where I'm eating the next day. And I also know that I'm not above that "homelessness" shit, and I'd rather sleep in my car then have to be 18 following curfews and stupid rules enforced by temporary caretakers. I follow directions from employers, police, parents, and when needed teachers. Grandparents? Nah. Especially not when the money that they're tired of giving me is my dad's that he's telling them to give to me. Kinda ridiculous, but hell, what can you do.
K, 6:39 now. GOtta bounce, post again soon
It's about 6:11 in the morning and I've been sleepin at Eric's house the last few days. Nothin really to do and we've stayed up all night because, hell, why sleep when Alex has to pick us up at 7 to go to her ranch in Clayton. So while he's in the shower I thought I'd post an update
Alrighty, first off, Emmah and I broke up again. I personally didn't want to at all but I guess I just didn't have my shit together. She wants a life that as of right now I can't give her, well, not completely, and I already had my second chance but in many senses blew it. Oh well, I let it get to me last time, no need for sad/harsh feelings this time. Can't say I'm not at all attatched but even now in our broken up state I don't think I can give her what she asks for. Mixed feelings and such, not on her part really it seems, more on mine. From my perspective the break-up was more of her choice, not that mutual even though I did provoke it. A lot. But I don't want to lead her on. Don't want to lead myself on.
Other than that haven't been doin a damn thing. Drunk as hell the other day, that was entertaining, might do it again today. Mike wants to and I haven't kicked it with him that much lately. So I figure hand me a bottle of Jim Beam and turn me loose; I'll be straight for the night. Perhaps even enjoying myself. Hopefully
Gah, I don't want to have an emo LiveJournal but as of right now all I can think about is emo shit. I couldn't do the relationship again because I know we will just break up again, this time even sooner I bet. And I don't want to have an on and off relationship and then have to explain all of the things I did while we were off and regret them even more. But I definitely don't want to lose her as a friend. My attraction to her is just too strong and so when I'm around her or when I talk to her, I want to be with her, to do things with her, share our nights in hotel rooms again. But I also understand that right now it's not meant to be. Her words actually, not mine, but I understand where she's coming from. We both mutually agreed that we aren't what each other want/need right now. Another lie on my part, unfortunately I've been doing that a lot, but hell, I can be honest now. I'm not what she needs right now and I know that, and so I'd rather have a clean break-up then argue a lot and try to explain my point. She told me that I'm not what she wants or needs right now and so I'd rather let her go knowing that there's better for her out there and drown in my own sorrows (and some whiskey) then try to fight it out.
I'm sick of fighting, and I know I cause many of the larger fights. I went back into the relationship saying I was going to be different and I was. But a lot of it wasn't necessarily good different. And I now understand completely why a lot of her ex boyfriends still want to get back with her. I wont allow myself though, I could care less if it's unhealthy for me, I just don't want it to be unhealthy for her.
I don't quite understand her latest entry, simply because I don't honestly think either of us have a damn clue what we REALLY want. There's a reason why old people say "You wont know what you want until you're older, and by the time you know you'll be too old to do it." She wants something permanent but I know of nothing permanent, so I can only give her now. But for all either of us know, in a year I could want something permanent and she could be wanting something now and it can reverse. Niether of us are old enough to truly desire something forever, all I can say is she's the only girl whom when I think of taking it day by day with, I've also thought "Tomorrow too as well." So what else is there to say? She wants to think far into the future, I can't do that. But I can think of tomorrow and what we should do then. Or next week. Or what we're doing this Friday night. And she's sick of partying and just kickin it. That's okay. I just feel detatched from my old life since I live a commute away, so I try to spend as much time as possible out here being social. And her past was a lot more social then mine, so I'm just kinda makin up for what I didn't do in the past. So I like partying and being social. That's really the one thing that I want that she doesn't. And even that can change.
And since I'm still attatched I don't want to just have a physical relationship. Or do I. Hell if I know, part of me does and part of me is like "Nope, then you'll never let go." That's what I need to do. Just let her go. Hopefully she has better luck with guys in the future then she did with me. I always told her that I didn't deserve her. So this is what I'm doing.
For her:
I'm sorry for being dishonest
I'm sorry for hiding things
I'm sorry for thinking that it'd be better if you didn't know
I'm sorry for arguing
I'm sorry for blowing up that one night
I'm sorry for not elaborating
I'm sorry for breaking your heart
I'm sorry if I ever do it again
I'm sorry if I've led you on
I'm sorry for "day by day"
I'm sorry I can't give you what you need, although I try
I'm sorry for making so many mistakes
I'm sorry for letting small shit get to me
I'm sorry for being private
I'm sorry for only giving you now, and not the later
I'm sorry for not talking things out
I'm sorry for telling you I'm sorry so much, since you hate it so much, or if you think I don't mean it
For me:
I'm sorry for fucking up
I'm sorry for fucking up the second time
I'm sorry for all those fuck-ups between the first and the second time
I'm sorry for all the minor fuck-ups that occured during the first and second times
I'm sorry for that fuck-up way back in the day that I just can't forget
I'm sorry for getting your hopes up
I'm sorry for being a dumbass and not telling the whole truth everytime, even if it hurts
I'm sorry for hurting, cuz when it hurts it sucks ass
I'm sorry for not being what she wants me to be, because all that I am I want to give her
I'm sorry if you're potentially not ready for something that could be forever
I'm sorry that you don't understand forever, since you have never seen anything even close to forever
I'm sorry for broken-heartedness
I'm sorry for posting such a long dumbass emo livejournal
K, just called Alex and she didn't pick up meaning I might not have a seat in her truck on the way to Clayton, so I might be fucked for the day. Oh well, there's gotta be something stupid I can get into that hopefully leaves me inebriated.
Oh yeah, what else has been going on in my life? My grandparents are starting to show signs of tiring of my company and my money-requirements. This means that there could very soon be a large argument which will conclude in my leaving and not going back. Here's the catch, I have no job/money, meaning I will either be sleeping on a different couch everynight, or perhaps sometimes in my car until my dad gets back, perhaps longer. However, I'm strangely comfortable with the idea. I've been living day by day for about 6 months now and so I'm cool with the concept that I don't know where I'm sleeping tomorrow, where I'm eating the next day. And I also know that I'm not above that "homelessness" shit, and I'd rather sleep in my car then have to be 18 following curfews and stupid rules enforced by temporary caretakers. I follow directions from employers, police, parents, and when needed teachers. Grandparents? Nah. Especially not when the money that they're tired of giving me is my dad's that he's telling them to give to me. Kinda ridiculous, but hell, what can you do.
K, 6:39 now. GOtta bounce, post again soon