time, ticking on me
time, ticking on me [3/3]
4635 w, pg-13 (jessica-centric, jessica/donghae)
highschool!au it's about the people you meet along the way.
a/n: finally. it's done.
part one / part two
Albert: Well, we think it's important.
Andrew: Why? What is it that you think you're going to find?
Albert: I don't know. Um, it's exciting. New frontiers are hard to come by these days. I guess... I guess I just like the idea of discovering something, of doing something that's completely unique, that's never been done before.
Andrew: Albert's Abyss.
Albert: Well, maybe. Who knows? But, uh, I used to think all that stuff mattered, that it would only matter if I could put my name on it, that somehow that would prove that I had lived, that I was here, you know? "I did that, that's mine, I got this plate on my travels," but you know what? That's all ego. None of that really matters. If, at the end of the day, I get to be with her, if... If I get to be with this person right here and our beautiful baby, then that's all I need. Just having felt that, if I die in an hour, I know I've lived.
Andrew: You know, my whole life I've had that same anxiety, that if I didn't, like, save something, or discover something, or...
Sam: Save something from being discovered?
Andrew: Yeah, you know, that I'll have somehow wasted my time here, and somewhere whatever force created us would resent me for it.
Albert: Well, I think that that force would rather remind you that breathing is all it takes to be a miracle.
-
It is like forgetting the words to his favorite song, the way he forgets how to use syllables. He stutters, multiple times, and Krystal clasps her hands together with an awakening thud. Her smile is ear from ear, and Jessica feels like she is in some movie. She has to be, honestly, a movie that encounters a happy, miraculous ending because that's how all movies end. No one pays seven fifty to walk in and have everyone die. At least, not without the underlying theme of a sequel involving vengeance. So, normally, she expects the film to stop here: She would walk down the staircase, clad in her indigo, strapless graduation dress, and at the bottom awaited her loving sister and lamely romantic boy friend. Then, the film cuts with blue and yellow caps flying in the air, along with the not so original plot line and cliche ending movie lines like -
Where to now?
Wherever the wind takes me.
Or,
I'm so proud of you.
That's all I ever wanted.
And that would be nice, really, but Jessica knows better than that.
"Unnie!" Krystal muses, "You look beautiful!" She whips out her camera and takes about five photos of which she will only find one attractive, and not the same one Jessica finds attractive - but they will have the same smile and the same person, so Donghae won't really see a difference. While Krystal beams, Donghae falters. He is embarrassed and no one exactly knows why.
Krystal nudges him, "It's okay, you kind of look cheesy in that suit, but you'll live."
Jessica snorts before taking one good look at him. He does look cheesy, in that really endearing way that shows he put effort in for the graduation. That he put effort in for her.
"Well, what kind of boy friend would I be if I showed up in my infamous ripped jeans and leather jacket?"
Jessica rolls her eyes, "You're so weird."
Krystal rolls her eyes, "You're the one dating him, remember?"
She punches Krystal on the arm after that, but she's always had strong bones. A lot of milk, Jessica supposes.
"Okay, okay! Will you stop? Now, Donghae go stand over there and try to look cute with my sister - I know it's hard for you, but I need to take this picture," Krystal shoves and someone stumbles, but in the next thirty seconds Donghae awkwardly has his arm draped around Jessica's waist and her shoulders are stiff like a gargoyle.
"Could you guys look any more unnatural?"
"Krystal, shut up and just take the picture."
And the flash goes off mid sentence for Jessica. When Krystal looks back at the picture it doesn't look half bad - besides Donghae's awkward smile and her sister's moving lips. But she thinks it captures a moment, which is what pictures are supposed to be about. There's some other picture where Donghae ends up kissing Jessica on the cheek. It's one of those really corny ones, so Krystal hides her smile.
"You guys are disgusting, please, stop."
Jessica looks at Donghae with a sheepish smirk, "No, seriously, stop. Why are you such a romantic?"
He merely groans, "Why must you deny me?"
Taeyeon and Jessica are holding hands while they sit with all the other high school students. Well, more like Taeyeon is holding onto Jessica's hand for what seems like dear life, but they both know that this ceremony is more important than that. Taeyeon's hands are small, softer, prettier than Jessica's. What makes them even better is that they're moist with sweat. It's an obvious indication that Taeyeon is nervous, something that Jessica fails to feel while they sit through Seohyun giving her valedictorian speech.
"Taeyeon, seriously. My fingers are not rubber - they have bones," Jessica whispers harshly.
"Shhhh," She prods, eyebrows furrowing. Taeyeon squeezes Jessica's fingers like they are a stress reliever of some sort.
Jessica winces.
Then, she starts to actually listen to Seohyun - or, Joohyun, as her boy friend Yonghwa liked to call her, and her speech is passionate. Her speech is realistic. But then again, Seohyun has always been a real person. Fictitious nature was not her; she was factitious.
"So, I just want to say: To my fellow friends, my classmates, my fellow seniors - those I have talked to and those I have not, even though we may not share common interests or common goals, we're still all here. We're still all on the same continent, same town, and we're all the same beings. Wishing you luck will be nothing but words put into your back pocket, words that you will probably not need and will have no use for. Words are accessories, but the sincerity I want to provide to each and every one of you is real. I hope that in our reunion ten years from now I can see you all happy. Whether you are in a suit or show up in a pair of ripped jeans - it doesn't matter. It is as long as you show up with a smile, I guess. So, even though it may mean nothing, right now it should mean everything: Good luck in the infinite abyss. You might not need it, but, kind words are always nice to have."
And as obvious and cheesy it may sound, as extremely cheesy it may sound - Jessica feels water rims her eyes. But her tear ducts are seemingly too proud, at least for the next few seconds. Taeyeon stands and brings Jessica with her.
Everyone stands, everyone claps, everyone cries, and the blue and golds caps are thrown into the air like salvation and liberty have been suddenly graced upon them after four years of life.
A milestone in the infinite abyss, maybe.
"Taeyeon, this is Donghae. Donghae, this is Taeyeon."
Jessica stares at both of them while Donghae sheepishly sticks his hand out. It's shaky but Taeyeon is the one who is utterly embarrassed. "You should have introduced me to him before!" She complains wearily. She takes another few seconds in order to make a futile effort in wiping away the slightly smeared mascara from underneath her eyelashes.
"You look fine," Donghae comments cheekily as she shakes his hand.
"So, you're the boy that Jessica takes the bus with and has been dating for the last month and a half."
"Yeah, that is me. Not disappointed, are you?"
Taeyeon shrugs.
Donghae, on the other hand, frowns.
"I don't know - I didn't really have expectations for when I met you."
"I hope that is a good thing."
"Oh, it is. Well, considering your friends with Eunhyuk -"
"Wait, you know Hyukjae?"
"Supermarket," Jessica interjects while she is running her fingers through the ends of her hair. Krystal is going cross eyed.
"Please don't base your judgment off Hyukjae - I swear -" Donghae pleads pathetically.
Taeyeon laughs, "I'm not. I'm basing off my judgment on how happy you seem to make Sica. I think you're doing a pretty good job."
Jessica feels Donghae's ego blow up. She punches Taeyeon's shoulder, "Oh, will you shut it?"
"I'm going to miss you," Taeyeon whispers.
They're both standing in the school parking lot, a nice place for people to depart. These places are grey and empty, like other parking lots. That is because they're nothing but pavement in which people come and go, kind of like Jessica. She's just come, and now, it's time for her to go because she never really belonged there anyways. She was overstaying her time. They both knew it.
"I'm going to miss you more," Jessica replies honestly.
Taeyeon lifts her shoulders. She has always been a cool kid, cooler than Jessica probably. But in the real, chill way - not like the familiar ice that surrounded the younger girl.
"But, you know, you're going to have to email me though, right? And don't be a bitch and email me in english - Onew's skills can only get me so far."
Jessica laughs weakly, her voice caught in her throat. It threatens to crack through the words, because they know that this is too sad for either of their liking. Jessica decides to cry first, let it actually show how much a month of friendship can mean to her; how much Taeyeon means to her.
"So you're crying now, but you didn't during Seohyun's speech? What is wrong with you?" Taeyeon chimes with a small giggle that actually does break into a sob.
They hug and finally, they say goodbye. Jessica isn't coming back. At least, not for awhile.
Donghae reaches over and takes her hand in his, almost because it is needed, even if it is not necessarily wanted.
"Are you okay?" He asks, looking straight forward. He tries to drown the concern in his voice with nonchalance, yet Jessica can still hear it peek its way through, even if it is treading water. Their fingers lace almost naturally.
Don't hold on too hard, you might lose it if you do that.
"I am okay," Because okay is an evasive word that can hide that she is not happy and that she is not sad, but she is in that vague state where everything is just okay - and nothing ever more than that. Jessica says nothing on how her blood feels like slush, veins like water slides that merely try to get everything moving along.
"Look, I know you think that you will not need me - and whatever you may be thinking. But, don't be sad, okay?"
Jessica nods numbly, his words ringing onto the dull ache that she feels against her rib cage.
Don't be sad, even when you can't be happy either. She merely leans over and presses her lips against his cheek. She feels cold and he feels unreal.
A part of her disintegrates.
She takes her heels off when she gets home. Three inches shorter than she was two seconds ago, no big deal.
Jessica walks into the room that isn't hers anymore. Six boxes, a spare suitcase thrown carelessly off to the side. Everything is full now, including her heart. She wishes it was empty like before - things would have been easier that way.
Krystal gets it, after the way that Jessica closes her door softly. She is the one that walks Donghae home that night.
"So," She mutters a bit awkwardly, hands shoved into the pockets conveniently made in her dress. Krystal carried things around, unlike Jessica who carried around burdens. She carried around actual things, like money.
"So," Donghae reiterates, swallowing that heavy lump in his throat.
"The graduation was nice," He says, trying.
"Yeah, it actually was," Krystal looks up to the sky. It's awkward, they cannot talk. What makes it more awkward is how they don't feel awkward when it is silent between the two of them.
"I think it just runs in your family, or at least, between you and you sister. The weird, brooding silent type of thing," Donghae jokes when he looks over at her.
Krystal shrugs, "Yeah, well, what if it does?"
"It's pretty cool."
She smiles and then cuts to the chase, killing small talk with the overall picture, "She isn't coming back, you know."
"I know."
"And I want her too, I really do. But she won't do it for me, so," Her voice trails off quietly. Donghae pretends to miss the tremor in her vocal range. If he pretends like it isn't there, then he can also pretend that this doesn't hurt. That his lungs don't swell and his heart isn't breaking - because Krystal is the closest person he has who can feel a fragment of what it must feel like to lose someone. But maybe, she was never really his anyways.
"Maybe she'll do it for you," She finishes quietly.
"We're not in love Krystal, and we're not getting married. I just like her and she tells me that she likes me - and we were on the edge of something big, you know? But right now .. right now she has to go, and that won't change anything."
"Donghae, that changes everything."
"It doesn't change how I will feel."
"You will feel hurt and you will feel alone - and I will too. It won't change, but eventually, everything else will. Seasons will change, and we will get older but - I don't know. Aren't you scared?"
"Terrified."
She gets it.
"You must really love you sister, don't you?"
Krystal just stops walking, "I should probably get back home, right? You're a big boy, I'm sure you can find your way home." She grins.
Donghae laughs lightly. He gets it too. "Yeah, well, night Krystal."
And they don't hug because that would be a little strange and too close for Krystal's personal liking. But, before she does make it out of hearing distance, she yells, "Don't get punched in the face!"
He sighs, "Why did she tell you about that!?"
That night, her phone is off. Jessica misses four phone calls, two of which are from Donghae, one is from Taeyeon, and the other is from her parents that are informing her that her room back in America is ready and waiting for her. Absentmindedly, Jessica wonders if she still has those posters up of american boy bands like the Plain White T's or Coldplay.
She wonders if those are tears in her eyes, and if that is why there is a water stain on her pillow.
But she feels nothing, she lets herself sink back into the familiar. Familiar situations are the ones that people make most mistakes, says traditional logic. But it is in the new situations she has placed herself in which she has made the most mistakes she has ever made within the past month and a half.
Does your heart hurt? She hears herself ask.
Yes.
And maybe Jessica expects it, maybe she needs it to hurt just to remind herself that the whole experience was real. None of it was a lie, no lie could ever be that elaborate. No lie could ever be that simple.
What scares her the most is how unfamiliar the beating is - how it is more unfamiliar than the breaking. But she throws her forearm over her eyes, glad it can fit into the indent of her skull.
You are crying by yourself, and not with anyone else. Not with Krystal, not with Taeyeon, not over Donghae - but because you can. Because you need to. And you know what? That is okay.
The feeling of finality is the heaviest. Unconsciously, she wonders if they will miss her as much as she will miss them. Maybe, but then again, wonder was only a weapon of curiosity given by life.
That morning, she wakes up feeling more alone than ever. The only things accommodating her are boxes and her blanket which had been kicked half way off the bed. But then, she realizes that she has always woken up alone. Or, at least having that hollow and abrupt quiver of it. It was always more emotional than physical for Jessica - always.
"Do not start avoiding him now," Krystal enters without no warning, eyes falling upon Jessica.
She sees tear stains that she pretends not to see. Pretending, everyone does it. It doesn't exist if you don't acknowledge it - the higher power would let that one fallacy slide. At least, just this once.
"I am not," Jessica retorts hastily, turning so that Krystal can only see her back.
"Well, then good, now get up," Krystal says, walking over and tugging lightly at her sister's hair.
"It is your last day before you leave, don't you want to do something special?" Krystal asks quietly. "Whether it be with me," Her voice fades a bit and wavers, "Or him. Just do something. Please." Krystal resorts to begging. Time was ticking, she was ticking, and there weren't a lot of seconds left until this was all gone and over.
Jessica looks at at her sister before sitting up and grabbing her blanket. Donghae or Krystal.
"One last time on the roof?" Jessica asks quietly, eyes fluttering over with heavy lids and a light string of nostalgia running in between them. Krystal stares for a moment, waiting for her to change her mind. But she doesn't and it hits Krystal that this is the last time. This is it.
Anything you want to say before she leaves?
Krystal decides no. "Alright," She mumbles, pretending to be reluctant with no real avail.
"If you really want to."
Is it okay to be sad, Krystal?
I think it is okay. Why? Do you think is it not?
I do not know what to think.
Well, what do you think? Of anything? Of everything? Nothing specific - but just about all of it.
What? About the infinite abyss?
Hah. Yeah - that.
I think it is fucking scary and unfair.
That is one way to think about it.
Why? What do you think about it?
Life is scary, it will always be. People are scared of what the world can whip out with hurricanes and tornadoes, while girls like us are scared of getting their hearts broken. The world is unfair because rich, corrupted people live in pent houses and run shit, while poor people with the kindest hearts would give up their live just for their children - and yet people complain that twilight winning everything at the MTV movie awards is as unfair as it gets. Infinite abyss - I think it is worth exploring.
Not by yourself though.
Well, you're not by yourself. You have me.
In a different continent.
Doesn't make me any further than we were from each other two months ago. We will still be closer than from back then - when you merely slept twelve feet away down the hall. Things have changed -
I have changed. I get it.
Well, I really hope you do.
"Have you been ignoring me?" Donghae asks with a frown when he comes to visit Jessica at the house. She leans by the wooden door frame, looking up at him. It had never occurred to her how much taller he was. The significant height difference seemed to imprint itself into the back of her mind, along with the other intricate details of him.
"I really have not," Jessica states objectively. Objective truth, she really was not -
"I just wanted to be alone." Please, please understand.
"I understand," He does not.
They stand there in silence for a few moments, but it feels different now. When he reaches out to touch her, he sees her move away. She is scared, timid even. Not the girl that he fell for - fell into whatever he did. But for some reason, her moving away hurts more than the bruises and cuts that he has gained from the whole experience. Donghae feels hurt, and for once, it is not his pride. It is about them.
He realizes how much he will actually miss her.
"Jessica -"
"Donghae, I don't -"
And it is a series of them cutting each other off, because words and tears could not find themselves placed in the situation. They were only fragments and accessories that could not express the whole, but they were all they had and someone had to put them into good use. Words were subjective, but what they were feeling was more than that.
"Let go now," Jessica warns sternly. It will help both of us, I can promise you that.
"Let me guess, it will hurt less if I let go now," Donghae remarks rather rudely. He is upset, but he thinks it is a right that he is allowed to have.
"It is too late now," He states.
Your heart is already too deep into this. You are already drowning, and swimming to the shore of reality is the only way to get back. Things like this just don't happen - even if people want them to. People do not just meet on a bus, people do not just click, people do not just come together. Things happen, but nothing ever just happens. There is always a way - somehow.
"I know you do not want anyone to hold your hand or tell you it is going to be okay - but, it is. You may not want it, but I think you kind of need it. So, why can't I just be that person?" Donghae asks almost sadly. He tries one more time before she lets him grab her hand.
She holds on tighter than she ever has before.
It will hurt, but that is a good thing. It makes one aware that this was not, but that it merely is.
It's a 4:15 bus from Seoul to the airport, and it is the last time she will be taking it. It is a different bus and there are different people, but Jessica feels like this place and this scenario is too recognizable for it to actually be happening. But it really is, because life has no pause or rewind button. This is just how it is, because things happen yet Jessica always knew it would come down to this.
She feels like she can hear her luggage swerve around in the trunk of the bus.
Her aunt and uncle had bid her goodbye without any less of another look over their shoulders. Krystal had cast a glance, a trembling goodbye, and a hug that lasted too long. Jessica thinks she feels her sister's nail marks imprinted on her right shoulder, but she makes no note of it. Krystal is coming to visit later in the summer anyways, and they, they will be okay.
But it is Donghae who sits next to her, quiet as ever. Silence is okay, but Jessica hears their hearts breaking like screams in their air. The picture is black and white and numb all over, but his hand is placed safely on top of hers just to remind her that he is there. Always.
"So, best month and a half of your life, right?" She muses with a small smile, trying to make light of things.
He looks over, "I would probably do it all over again if I could." But you cannot.
And Jessica is hesitant to say the same, but she does anyways, "Me too." Because she regrets nothing.
The airport is not as filled as they would have expected it to be, but he walks with her side by side.
Each step is slow and close to each other, as if people were crowding around them in a suffocating manner. Even though this is not the case, this is just them trying to hold on to these fleeting moments. Donghae cannot go pass security, it is airport regulations.
They both stop, they both stand, and they both merely look at each other.
Say it, say all the things you have wanted to say.
And Donghae is tempted, so so so tempted - but it is Jessica who says it first. She is the one who feels her heart quake and the strings be pulled to actually admit to it.
"I love you," She discovers vulnerability.
It sinks into his gut. He had expected for it to be him to say it, not for her - never to be her. Donghae laughs, this weak and little laugh because he can tell that she means it, and he has never felt more alone . Alone with her that is, because regardless of people who walk by, he presses his lips against hers as if he needs it to breathe.
And she sobs, harder and harder, because, "I love you too."
And it doesn't get anymore real that than that, it really does not. This is reality, this is life, and it is about the moments you cultivate the way. Four years of insignificant moments were never imagined or meant to lead up to something like this. A milestone in the infinite abyss, maybe - knowing what it feels like it fall in love.
Knowing what it feels like to leave someone you love behind.
"I want you to stay," He mutters mid-kiss, forehead pressed against hers. His hands are placed tentatively on her forearms. He cannot break what is not going to be his, what cannot be his.
"I want to stay too," Jessica whispers quietly.
"But I have to go, and I am sorry - but I will come back."
"Will you, really?"
She nods slowly, sincerely. She has to come back, and not only for him. There are more people she's leaving behind, but, "I will." It's a numb whisper of truth that she cannot deny.
Jessica has to come back - she's leaving a piece of her heart here, and one day, she will want it.
She crosses through the security line with tear stained cheeks. Her legs are stiff straight while her face is distorted into hiding tears and heavy breathing. Donghae watches the whole time, biting down on his quivering lip. She's up the escalator and casts one more glance over her shoulder.
And before he knows it, before anyone knows it, she is gone.
"Good luck in the infinite abyss."
(This is not Garden State, this is not a happy ending. But it is a miracle within itself - breathing is a miracle within itself.
But learning how to love someone is the greatest of them all.)
/
( "Jessica, I am here!" Krystal screams through their american house and american painted door.
Jessica sprints through the kitchen and into familiar arms, engulfed in laughter and a warm embrace that she feels like she hasn't seen in years.
"It's only been two months, silly," Krystal says with an eye roll.
She laughs lightly, shrugging, "I missed you."
So, how is he?
He is waiting - you know. Luckily, I feel like he has enough patience for the whole world.
Well, he won't have to wait for long.
And absentmindedly, Jessica glances over at the Seoul University papers resting on the coffee table.)
It was never supposed to be about falling in love. It's about the people you meet along the way.
-
end.
extended a/n SO, I am not necessarily happy with the way I ended this. Idek, I couldn't make it completely angsty ;_____; I considered having the plane crash or some crazy crap like that, but nah. haesica ftw <3
It also took me about three months to finish a three shot. I am sorry I am so incoherent. But anyways, enjoy ~
might be some epilogue.
4635 w, pg-13 (jessica-centric, jessica/donghae)
highschool!au it's about the people you meet along the way.
a/n: finally. it's done.
part one / part two
Albert: Well, we think it's important.
Andrew: Why? What is it that you think you're going to find?
Albert: I don't know. Um, it's exciting. New frontiers are hard to come by these days. I guess... I guess I just like the idea of discovering something, of doing something that's completely unique, that's never been done before.
Andrew: Albert's Abyss.
Albert: Well, maybe. Who knows? But, uh, I used to think all that stuff mattered, that it would only matter if I could put my name on it, that somehow that would prove that I had lived, that I was here, you know? "I did that, that's mine, I got this plate on my travels," but you know what? That's all ego. None of that really matters. If, at the end of the day, I get to be with her, if... If I get to be with this person right here and our beautiful baby, then that's all I need. Just having felt that, if I die in an hour, I know I've lived.
Andrew: You know, my whole life I've had that same anxiety, that if I didn't, like, save something, or discover something, or...
Sam: Save something from being discovered?
Andrew: Yeah, you know, that I'll have somehow wasted my time here, and somewhere whatever force created us would resent me for it.
Albert: Well, I think that that force would rather remind you that breathing is all it takes to be a miracle.
-
It is like forgetting the words to his favorite song, the way he forgets how to use syllables. He stutters, multiple times, and Krystal clasps her hands together with an awakening thud. Her smile is ear from ear, and Jessica feels like she is in some movie. She has to be, honestly, a movie that encounters a happy, miraculous ending because that's how all movies end. No one pays seven fifty to walk in and have everyone die. At least, not without the underlying theme of a sequel involving vengeance. So, normally, she expects the film to stop here: She would walk down the staircase, clad in her indigo, strapless graduation dress, and at the bottom awaited her loving sister and lamely romantic boy friend. Then, the film cuts with blue and yellow caps flying in the air, along with the not so original plot line and cliche ending movie lines like -
Where to now?
Wherever the wind takes me.
Or,
I'm so proud of you.
That's all I ever wanted.
And that would be nice, really, but Jessica knows better than that.
"Unnie!" Krystal muses, "You look beautiful!" She whips out her camera and takes about five photos of which she will only find one attractive, and not the same one Jessica finds attractive - but they will have the same smile and the same person, so Donghae won't really see a difference. While Krystal beams, Donghae falters. He is embarrassed and no one exactly knows why.
Krystal nudges him, "It's okay, you kind of look cheesy in that suit, but you'll live."
Jessica snorts before taking one good look at him. He does look cheesy, in that really endearing way that shows he put effort in for the graduation. That he put effort in for her.
"Well, what kind of boy friend would I be if I showed up in my infamous ripped jeans and leather jacket?"
Jessica rolls her eyes, "You're so weird."
Krystal rolls her eyes, "You're the one dating him, remember?"
She punches Krystal on the arm after that, but she's always had strong bones. A lot of milk, Jessica supposes.
"Okay, okay! Will you stop? Now, Donghae go stand over there and try to look cute with my sister - I know it's hard for you, but I need to take this picture," Krystal shoves and someone stumbles, but in the next thirty seconds Donghae awkwardly has his arm draped around Jessica's waist and her shoulders are stiff like a gargoyle.
"Could you guys look any more unnatural?"
"Krystal, shut up and just take the picture."
And the flash goes off mid sentence for Jessica. When Krystal looks back at the picture it doesn't look half bad - besides Donghae's awkward smile and her sister's moving lips. But she thinks it captures a moment, which is what pictures are supposed to be about. There's some other picture where Donghae ends up kissing Jessica on the cheek. It's one of those really corny ones, so Krystal hides her smile.
"You guys are disgusting, please, stop."
Jessica looks at Donghae with a sheepish smirk, "No, seriously, stop. Why are you such a romantic?"
He merely groans, "Why must you deny me?"
Taeyeon and Jessica are holding hands while they sit with all the other high school students. Well, more like Taeyeon is holding onto Jessica's hand for what seems like dear life, but they both know that this ceremony is more important than that. Taeyeon's hands are small, softer, prettier than Jessica's. What makes them even better is that they're moist with sweat. It's an obvious indication that Taeyeon is nervous, something that Jessica fails to feel while they sit through Seohyun giving her valedictorian speech.
"Taeyeon, seriously. My fingers are not rubber - they have bones," Jessica whispers harshly.
"Shhhh," She prods, eyebrows furrowing. Taeyeon squeezes Jessica's fingers like they are a stress reliever of some sort.
Jessica winces.
Then, she starts to actually listen to Seohyun - or, Joohyun, as her boy friend Yonghwa liked to call her, and her speech is passionate. Her speech is realistic. But then again, Seohyun has always been a real person. Fictitious nature was not her; she was factitious.
"So, I just want to say: To my fellow friends, my classmates, my fellow seniors - those I have talked to and those I have not, even though we may not share common interests or common goals, we're still all here. We're still all on the same continent, same town, and we're all the same beings. Wishing you luck will be nothing but words put into your back pocket, words that you will probably not need and will have no use for. Words are accessories, but the sincerity I want to provide to each and every one of you is real. I hope that in our reunion ten years from now I can see you all happy. Whether you are in a suit or show up in a pair of ripped jeans - it doesn't matter. It is as long as you show up with a smile, I guess. So, even though it may mean nothing, right now it should mean everything: Good luck in the infinite abyss. You might not need it, but, kind words are always nice to have."
And as obvious and cheesy it may sound, as extremely cheesy it may sound - Jessica feels water rims her eyes. But her tear ducts are seemingly too proud, at least for the next few seconds. Taeyeon stands and brings Jessica with her.
Everyone stands, everyone claps, everyone cries, and the blue and golds caps are thrown into the air like salvation and liberty have been suddenly graced upon them after four years of life.
A milestone in the infinite abyss, maybe.
"Taeyeon, this is Donghae. Donghae, this is Taeyeon."
Jessica stares at both of them while Donghae sheepishly sticks his hand out. It's shaky but Taeyeon is the one who is utterly embarrassed. "You should have introduced me to him before!" She complains wearily. She takes another few seconds in order to make a futile effort in wiping away the slightly smeared mascara from underneath her eyelashes.
"You look fine," Donghae comments cheekily as she shakes his hand.
"So, you're the boy that Jessica takes the bus with and has been dating for the last month and a half."
"Yeah, that is me. Not disappointed, are you?"
Taeyeon shrugs.
Donghae, on the other hand, frowns.
"I don't know - I didn't really have expectations for when I met you."
"I hope that is a good thing."
"Oh, it is. Well, considering your friends with Eunhyuk -"
"Wait, you know Hyukjae?"
"Supermarket," Jessica interjects while she is running her fingers through the ends of her hair. Krystal is going cross eyed.
"Please don't base your judgment off Hyukjae - I swear -" Donghae pleads pathetically.
Taeyeon laughs, "I'm not. I'm basing off my judgment on how happy you seem to make Sica. I think you're doing a pretty good job."
Jessica feels Donghae's ego blow up. She punches Taeyeon's shoulder, "Oh, will you shut it?"
"I'm going to miss you," Taeyeon whispers.
They're both standing in the school parking lot, a nice place for people to depart. These places are grey and empty, like other parking lots. That is because they're nothing but pavement in which people come and go, kind of like Jessica. She's just come, and now, it's time for her to go because she never really belonged there anyways. She was overstaying her time. They both knew it.
"I'm going to miss you more," Jessica replies honestly.
Taeyeon lifts her shoulders. She has always been a cool kid, cooler than Jessica probably. But in the real, chill way - not like the familiar ice that surrounded the younger girl.
"But, you know, you're going to have to email me though, right? And don't be a bitch and email me in english - Onew's skills can only get me so far."
Jessica laughs weakly, her voice caught in her throat. It threatens to crack through the words, because they know that this is too sad for either of their liking. Jessica decides to cry first, let it actually show how much a month of friendship can mean to her; how much Taeyeon means to her.
"So you're crying now, but you didn't during Seohyun's speech? What is wrong with you?" Taeyeon chimes with a small giggle that actually does break into a sob.
They hug and finally, they say goodbye. Jessica isn't coming back. At least, not for awhile.
Donghae reaches over and takes her hand in his, almost because it is needed, even if it is not necessarily wanted.
"Are you okay?" He asks, looking straight forward. He tries to drown the concern in his voice with nonchalance, yet Jessica can still hear it peek its way through, even if it is treading water. Their fingers lace almost naturally.
Don't hold on too hard, you might lose it if you do that.
"I am okay," Because okay is an evasive word that can hide that she is not happy and that she is not sad, but she is in that vague state where everything is just okay - and nothing ever more than that. Jessica says nothing on how her blood feels like slush, veins like water slides that merely try to get everything moving along.
"Look, I know you think that you will not need me - and whatever you may be thinking. But, don't be sad, okay?"
Jessica nods numbly, his words ringing onto the dull ache that she feels against her rib cage.
Don't be sad, even when you can't be happy either. She merely leans over and presses her lips against his cheek. She feels cold and he feels unreal.
A part of her disintegrates.
She takes her heels off when she gets home. Three inches shorter than she was two seconds ago, no big deal.
Jessica walks into the room that isn't hers anymore. Six boxes, a spare suitcase thrown carelessly off to the side. Everything is full now, including her heart. She wishes it was empty like before - things would have been easier that way.
Krystal gets it, after the way that Jessica closes her door softly. She is the one that walks Donghae home that night.
"So," She mutters a bit awkwardly, hands shoved into the pockets conveniently made in her dress. Krystal carried things around, unlike Jessica who carried around burdens. She carried around actual things, like money.
"So," Donghae reiterates, swallowing that heavy lump in his throat.
"The graduation was nice," He says, trying.
"Yeah, it actually was," Krystal looks up to the sky. It's awkward, they cannot talk. What makes it more awkward is how they don't feel awkward when it is silent between the two of them.
"I think it just runs in your family, or at least, between you and you sister. The weird, brooding silent type of thing," Donghae jokes when he looks over at her.
Krystal shrugs, "Yeah, well, what if it does?"
"It's pretty cool."
She smiles and then cuts to the chase, killing small talk with the overall picture, "She isn't coming back, you know."
"I know."
"And I want her too, I really do. But she won't do it for me, so," Her voice trails off quietly. Donghae pretends to miss the tremor in her vocal range. If he pretends like it isn't there, then he can also pretend that this doesn't hurt. That his lungs don't swell and his heart isn't breaking - because Krystal is the closest person he has who can feel a fragment of what it must feel like to lose someone. But maybe, she was never really his anyways.
"Maybe she'll do it for you," She finishes quietly.
"We're not in love Krystal, and we're not getting married. I just like her and she tells me that she likes me - and we were on the edge of something big, you know? But right now .. right now she has to go, and that won't change anything."
"Donghae, that changes everything."
"It doesn't change how I will feel."
"You will feel hurt and you will feel alone - and I will too. It won't change, but eventually, everything else will. Seasons will change, and we will get older but - I don't know. Aren't you scared?"
"Terrified."
She gets it.
"You must really love you sister, don't you?"
Krystal just stops walking, "I should probably get back home, right? You're a big boy, I'm sure you can find your way home." She grins.
Donghae laughs lightly. He gets it too. "Yeah, well, night Krystal."
And they don't hug because that would be a little strange and too close for Krystal's personal liking. But, before she does make it out of hearing distance, she yells, "Don't get punched in the face!"
He sighs, "Why did she tell you about that!?"
That night, her phone is off. Jessica misses four phone calls, two of which are from Donghae, one is from Taeyeon, and the other is from her parents that are informing her that her room back in America is ready and waiting for her. Absentmindedly, Jessica wonders if she still has those posters up of american boy bands like the Plain White T's or Coldplay.
She wonders if those are tears in her eyes, and if that is why there is a water stain on her pillow.
But she feels nothing, she lets herself sink back into the familiar. Familiar situations are the ones that people make most mistakes, says traditional logic. But it is in the new situations she has placed herself in which she has made the most mistakes she has ever made within the past month and a half.
Does your heart hurt? She hears herself ask.
Yes.
And maybe Jessica expects it, maybe she needs it to hurt just to remind herself that the whole experience was real. None of it was a lie, no lie could ever be that elaborate. No lie could ever be that simple.
What scares her the most is how unfamiliar the beating is - how it is more unfamiliar than the breaking. But she throws her forearm over her eyes, glad it can fit into the indent of her skull.
You are crying by yourself, and not with anyone else. Not with Krystal, not with Taeyeon, not over Donghae - but because you can. Because you need to. And you know what? That is okay.
The feeling of finality is the heaviest. Unconsciously, she wonders if they will miss her as much as she will miss them. Maybe, but then again, wonder was only a weapon of curiosity given by life.
That morning, she wakes up feeling more alone than ever. The only things accommodating her are boxes and her blanket which had been kicked half way off the bed. But then, she realizes that she has always woken up alone. Or, at least having that hollow and abrupt quiver of it. It was always more emotional than physical for Jessica - always.
"Do not start avoiding him now," Krystal enters without no warning, eyes falling upon Jessica.
She sees tear stains that she pretends not to see. Pretending, everyone does it. It doesn't exist if you don't acknowledge it - the higher power would let that one fallacy slide. At least, just this once.
"I am not," Jessica retorts hastily, turning so that Krystal can only see her back.
"Well, then good, now get up," Krystal says, walking over and tugging lightly at her sister's hair.
"It is your last day before you leave, don't you want to do something special?" Krystal asks quietly. "Whether it be with me," Her voice fades a bit and wavers, "Or him. Just do something. Please." Krystal resorts to begging. Time was ticking, she was ticking, and there weren't a lot of seconds left until this was all gone and over.
Jessica looks at at her sister before sitting up and grabbing her blanket. Donghae or Krystal.
"One last time on the roof?" Jessica asks quietly, eyes fluttering over with heavy lids and a light string of nostalgia running in between them. Krystal stares for a moment, waiting for her to change her mind. But she doesn't and it hits Krystal that this is the last time. This is it.
Anything you want to say before she leaves?
Krystal decides no. "Alright," She mumbles, pretending to be reluctant with no real avail.
"If you really want to."
Is it okay to be sad, Krystal?
I think it is okay. Why? Do you think is it not?
I do not know what to think.
Well, what do you think? Of anything? Of everything? Nothing specific - but just about all of it.
What? About the infinite abyss?
Hah. Yeah - that.
I think it is fucking scary and unfair.
That is one way to think about it.
Why? What do you think about it?
Life is scary, it will always be. People are scared of what the world can whip out with hurricanes and tornadoes, while girls like us are scared of getting their hearts broken. The world is unfair because rich, corrupted people live in pent houses and run shit, while poor people with the kindest hearts would give up their live just for their children - and yet people complain that twilight winning everything at the MTV movie awards is as unfair as it gets. Infinite abyss - I think it is worth exploring.
Not by yourself though.
Well, you're not by yourself. You have me.
In a different continent.
Doesn't make me any further than we were from each other two months ago. We will still be closer than from back then - when you merely slept twelve feet away down the hall. Things have changed -
I have changed. I get it.
Well, I really hope you do.
"Have you been ignoring me?" Donghae asks with a frown when he comes to visit Jessica at the house. She leans by the wooden door frame, looking up at him. It had never occurred to her how much taller he was. The significant height difference seemed to imprint itself into the back of her mind, along with the other intricate details of him.
"I really have not," Jessica states objectively. Objective truth, she really was not -
"I just wanted to be alone." Please, please understand.
"I understand," He does not.
They stand there in silence for a few moments, but it feels different now. When he reaches out to touch her, he sees her move away. She is scared, timid even. Not the girl that he fell for - fell into whatever he did. But for some reason, her moving away hurts more than the bruises and cuts that he has gained from the whole experience. Donghae feels hurt, and for once, it is not his pride. It is about them.
He realizes how much he will actually miss her.
"Jessica -"
"Donghae, I don't -"
And it is a series of them cutting each other off, because words and tears could not find themselves placed in the situation. They were only fragments and accessories that could not express the whole, but they were all they had and someone had to put them into good use. Words were subjective, but what they were feeling was more than that.
"Let go now," Jessica warns sternly. It will help both of us, I can promise you that.
"Let me guess, it will hurt less if I let go now," Donghae remarks rather rudely. He is upset, but he thinks it is a right that he is allowed to have.
"It is too late now," He states.
Your heart is already too deep into this. You are already drowning, and swimming to the shore of reality is the only way to get back. Things like this just don't happen - even if people want them to. People do not just meet on a bus, people do not just click, people do not just come together. Things happen, but nothing ever just happens. There is always a way - somehow.
"I know you do not want anyone to hold your hand or tell you it is going to be okay - but, it is. You may not want it, but I think you kind of need it. So, why can't I just be that person?" Donghae asks almost sadly. He tries one more time before she lets him grab her hand.
She holds on tighter than she ever has before.
It will hurt, but that is a good thing. It makes one aware that this was not, but that it merely is.
It's a 4:15 bus from Seoul to the airport, and it is the last time she will be taking it. It is a different bus and there are different people, but Jessica feels like this place and this scenario is too recognizable for it to actually be happening. But it really is, because life has no pause or rewind button. This is just how it is, because things happen yet Jessica always knew it would come down to this.
She feels like she can hear her luggage swerve around in the trunk of the bus.
Her aunt and uncle had bid her goodbye without any less of another look over their shoulders. Krystal had cast a glance, a trembling goodbye, and a hug that lasted too long. Jessica thinks she feels her sister's nail marks imprinted on her right shoulder, but she makes no note of it. Krystal is coming to visit later in the summer anyways, and they, they will be okay.
But it is Donghae who sits next to her, quiet as ever. Silence is okay, but Jessica hears their hearts breaking like screams in their air. The picture is black and white and numb all over, but his hand is placed safely on top of hers just to remind her that he is there. Always.
"So, best month and a half of your life, right?" She muses with a small smile, trying to make light of things.
He looks over, "I would probably do it all over again if I could." But you cannot.
And Jessica is hesitant to say the same, but she does anyways, "Me too." Because she regrets nothing.
The airport is not as filled as they would have expected it to be, but he walks with her side by side.
Each step is slow and close to each other, as if people were crowding around them in a suffocating manner. Even though this is not the case, this is just them trying to hold on to these fleeting moments. Donghae cannot go pass security, it is airport regulations.
They both stop, they both stand, and they both merely look at each other.
Say it, say all the things you have wanted to say.
And Donghae is tempted, so so so tempted - but it is Jessica who says it first. She is the one who feels her heart quake and the strings be pulled to actually admit to it.
"I love you," She discovers vulnerability.
It sinks into his gut. He had expected for it to be him to say it, not for her - never to be her. Donghae laughs, this weak and little laugh because he can tell that she means it, and he has never felt more alone . Alone with her that is, because regardless of people who walk by, he presses his lips against hers as if he needs it to breathe.
And she sobs, harder and harder, because, "I love you too."
And it doesn't get anymore real that than that, it really does not. This is reality, this is life, and it is about the moments you cultivate the way. Four years of insignificant moments were never imagined or meant to lead up to something like this. A milestone in the infinite abyss, maybe - knowing what it feels like it fall in love.
Knowing what it feels like to leave someone you love behind.
"I want you to stay," He mutters mid-kiss, forehead pressed against hers. His hands are placed tentatively on her forearms. He cannot break what is not going to be his, what cannot be his.
"I want to stay too," Jessica whispers quietly.
"But I have to go, and I am sorry - but I will come back."
"Will you, really?"
She nods slowly, sincerely. She has to come back, and not only for him. There are more people she's leaving behind, but, "I will." It's a numb whisper of truth that she cannot deny.
Jessica has to come back - she's leaving a piece of her heart here, and one day, she will want it.
She crosses through the security line with tear stained cheeks. Her legs are stiff straight while her face is distorted into hiding tears and heavy breathing. Donghae watches the whole time, biting down on his quivering lip. She's up the escalator and casts one more glance over her shoulder.
And before he knows it, before anyone knows it, she is gone.
"Good luck in the infinite abyss."
(This is not Garden State, this is not a happy ending. But it is a miracle within itself - breathing is a miracle within itself.
But learning how to love someone is the greatest of them all.)
/
( "Jessica, I am here!" Krystal screams through their american house and american painted door.
Jessica sprints through the kitchen and into familiar arms, engulfed in laughter and a warm embrace that she feels like she hasn't seen in years.
"It's only been two months, silly," Krystal says with an eye roll.
She laughs lightly, shrugging, "I missed you."
So, how is he?
He is waiting - you know. Luckily, I feel like he has enough patience for the whole world.
Well, he won't have to wait for long.
And absentmindedly, Jessica glances over at the Seoul University papers resting on the coffee table.)
It was never supposed to be about falling in love. It's about the people you meet along the way.
-
end.
extended a/n SO, I am not necessarily happy with the way I ended this. Idek, I couldn't make it completely angsty ;_____; I considered having the plane crash or some crazy crap like that, but nah. haesica ftw <3
It also took me about three months to finish a three shot. I am sorry I am so incoherent. But anyways, enjoy ~
might be some epilogue.