(no subject)
it's been awhile since i've written again. shrug. i've just been too lazy to write anything. i hate having long gaps between my entries because i don't remember a lot of stuff i wanted to talk about. oh well.
i'm getting my haircut in about an hour or so. trimmed actually. i haven't gotten it cut since august and i want to get it trimmed so it'll grow faster. i'm gonna let it grow for another three months or so. i'm contemplating on whether i should dye my hair blonde or keep it red. hm. everyone seems to like my red hair though. then i'm going to go get a pair of earings and a book. i really seem to like reading books about eating disorders. they're just interesting.. i guess. i'm either going to get 'wasted', 'second star from the right', 'the best little girl in the world', or 'my sister's bones'. shopping always makes me happier.
i really sometimes wish that i was a little kid again. i've been thinking about it a lot lately. i've just been looking back at all the memories of being alittle kid. i didn't think so much and worry. ofcourse i was such a dork back then and i like myself so much better as a person right now. i never used to care about what i ate or anything. everything was just so easy. there are also things that i like better about being this age. sigh. i don't know what i want anymore.
i hate how practically my whole mind revolves around food. to eat or not to eat. i just get triggered so easily. i ofcourse would never even dream of having an eating disorder. i've read up a lot about them and how destructive they can be. i look at eating disorder sites and there was this one particular one that had had pictures of extremely anorexic people. it didn't even look real. some of looked they literally weighed like 30 pounds or so. that made me realize of how glad i am that i never became that extreme. i would never want to be that skinny. i remember whenever i went through periods of times where i ate very little or nothing at all. my friends were all worried about me and kept telling me over and over to eat. this sounds sick.. but i actually liked it. i like how everyone was worried sick about me. i loved the attention and knowing that people actually cared. i was so miserable though. i hated being a prisoner in my own body. i still want to lose weight but i'm going to do it by eating 1000 calories and excercising. i know that nothing, not even striving for perfection, is worth my happiness.
i talked wit my step-brother on the phone last night for alittle bit. it's funny because before we really had nothing to talk about because when he was living here he was a teenager and i wa just alittle kid. now since i'm 15 and he's 21 we can relate a lot more. he was telling me how he really wants me to come to las vegas to visit. i really want to. i was telling him all sorts of stuff like how i met guys over the internet and what i've done with guys and such. he said i've grown up a lot and he kept telling me to be careful about meeting guys on the internet. he was like 'i'd rather you smoke pot than meet guys on the net' haha. it was really great talking to him and i don't like talking to many people on the phone.
everything is passing by so fast it seems like. i keep thinking back on last year around this time. i sometimes wish i could go back to relive some of the happy moments. january is coming up soon..wow. i remember on january 19 i first met brian. i remember how happy he made me at the time. i'm over him but i sometimes daydream about him. i really want to talk to him. just to see how he's been and all. he's hardly ever on-line and whenever he is i can't work up the courage to IM him because things would just be weird and i really wouldn't know what to say. i think i also have his phone number somewhere but that would be even harder.
i need to leave. i'll try to write more later. later.
i'm getting my haircut in about an hour or so. trimmed actually. i haven't gotten it cut since august and i want to get it trimmed so it'll grow faster. i'm gonna let it grow for another three months or so. i'm contemplating on whether i should dye my hair blonde or keep it red. hm. everyone seems to like my red hair though. then i'm going to go get a pair of earings and a book. i really seem to like reading books about eating disorders. they're just interesting.. i guess. i'm either going to get 'wasted', 'second star from the right', 'the best little girl in the world', or 'my sister's bones'. shopping always makes me happier.
i really sometimes wish that i was a little kid again. i've been thinking about it a lot lately. i've just been looking back at all the memories of being alittle kid. i didn't think so much and worry. ofcourse i was such a dork back then and i like myself so much better as a person right now. i never used to care about what i ate or anything. everything was just so easy. there are also things that i like better about being this age. sigh. i don't know what i want anymore.
i hate how practically my whole mind revolves around food. to eat or not to eat. i just get triggered so easily. i ofcourse would never even dream of having an eating disorder. i've read up a lot about them and how destructive they can be. i look at eating disorder sites and there was this one particular one that had had pictures of extremely anorexic people. it didn't even look real. some of looked they literally weighed like 30 pounds or so. that made me realize of how glad i am that i never became that extreme. i would never want to be that skinny. i remember whenever i went through periods of times where i ate very little or nothing at all. my friends were all worried about me and kept telling me over and over to eat. this sounds sick.. but i actually liked it. i like how everyone was worried sick about me. i loved the attention and knowing that people actually cared. i was so miserable though. i hated being a prisoner in my own body. i still want to lose weight but i'm going to do it by eating 1000 calories and excercising. i know that nothing, not even striving for perfection, is worth my happiness.
i talked wit my step-brother on the phone last night for alittle bit. it's funny because before we really had nothing to talk about because when he was living here he was a teenager and i wa just alittle kid. now since i'm 15 and he's 21 we can relate a lot more. he was telling me how he really wants me to come to las vegas to visit. i really want to. i was telling him all sorts of stuff like how i met guys over the internet and what i've done with guys and such. he said i've grown up a lot and he kept telling me to be careful about meeting guys on the internet. he was like 'i'd rather you smoke pot than meet guys on the net' haha. it was really great talking to him and i don't like talking to many people on the phone.
everything is passing by so fast it seems like. i keep thinking back on last year around this time. i sometimes wish i could go back to relive some of the happy moments. january is coming up soon..wow. i remember on january 19 i first met brian. i remember how happy he made me at the time. i'm over him but i sometimes daydream about him. i really want to talk to him. just to see how he's been and all. he's hardly ever on-line and whenever he is i can't work up the courage to IM him because things would just be weird and i really wouldn't know what to say. i think i also have his phone number somewhere but that would be even harder.
i need to leave. i'll try to write more later. later.