(no subject)
i don't care too much for thanksgiving. i think it's pretty much a boring and pointless holiday. all you do is sit there and eat. i know it's the day you're so supposed to say what you're thankful for.. but i think you shouldn't just pick a specific day ou of the year to do that.. you should be able to do it any day. but i made thanksgiving dinner this year.. ofcourse my step-dad supervised and helped me. haha.
i'm scared.. i feel like i've gained like 10 lbs. the weird thing is that i just got off my period. this can't be.. i can't afford to gain any more weight. i'm already so far away from my goal weight. i am terrified of scales. i'm not one of the those people that weigh themselves multiple times a day. i only do it like a couple times a month because i have a phobia of scales. i hate obsessing over this.. i hate being preocuppied with my weight and food that i can't even concentrate on anything else. i've been this way for the past three years and i think i'm about to crack. i can't do this anymore. i wish i could just wave a magic wand and make me weigh 95 lbs and i could eat anything i wanted without gaining any weight. my weight makes me feel dirty sometimes on the inside. it makes me want to rip out all of my insides so i can be pure and without any imperfections. practically everyone knows how i'm concerned about my weight and how sometimes i refuse to eat. they don't understand at all though.. it goes so much deeper than that. i am at my breaking point. i hate it when i sometimes will buy a snack at lunch and my friends will be like 'wow she's actually eating." i swear the next time they say something like that i will start crying and run out of the cafeteria screaming. that may seem alittle dramatic but just try dealing with all of this shit. i seriously think i need professional help.. before it's too late. i'm digging myself into a deeper hole.
i cannot believe that 2OO3 is almost over. god fucking damn. i am sort of glad it's over because it's been really emotional for me. 2OO2 was a better year for me. i really didn't like 2OO1 either.. that was sort of an emotional year for me too and i had so many moments where i felt like i would break down. i've been thinking of making new years resolutions but i sort of think they're silly. i mean, why do you have to wait until a new year to make goals? you can do that anytime.. this year has made me a stronger and more mature person.. so i think i will be able to have a better year next year. sometimes i just feel like breaking down and telling everyone how i feel about them and telling them all the things i hate about them and how terrible they've made me feel. i just want to let out all of the anger inside of me that i've kept bottled up inside me for so long.
i'm scared.. i feel like i've gained like 10 lbs. the weird thing is that i just got off my period. this can't be.. i can't afford to gain any more weight. i'm already so far away from my goal weight. i am terrified of scales. i'm not one of the those people that weigh themselves multiple times a day. i only do it like a couple times a month because i have a phobia of scales. i hate obsessing over this.. i hate being preocuppied with my weight and food that i can't even concentrate on anything else. i've been this way for the past three years and i think i'm about to crack. i can't do this anymore. i wish i could just wave a magic wand and make me weigh 95 lbs and i could eat anything i wanted without gaining any weight. my weight makes me feel dirty sometimes on the inside. it makes me want to rip out all of my insides so i can be pure and without any imperfections. practically everyone knows how i'm concerned about my weight and how sometimes i refuse to eat. they don't understand at all though.. it goes so much deeper than that. i am at my breaking point. i hate it when i sometimes will buy a snack at lunch and my friends will be like 'wow she's actually eating." i swear the next time they say something like that i will start crying and run out of the cafeteria screaming. that may seem alittle dramatic but just try dealing with all of this shit. i seriously think i need professional help.. before it's too late. i'm digging myself into a deeper hole.
i cannot believe that 2OO3 is almost over. god fucking damn. i am sort of glad it's over because it's been really emotional for me. 2OO2 was a better year for me. i really didn't like 2OO1 either.. that was sort of an emotional year for me too and i had so many moments where i felt like i would break down. i've been thinking of making new years resolutions but i sort of think they're silly. i mean, why do you have to wait until a new year to make goals? you can do that anytime.. this year has made me a stronger and more mature person.. so i think i will be able to have a better year next year. sometimes i just feel like breaking down and telling everyone how i feel about them and telling them all the things i hate about them and how terrible they've made me feel. i just want to let out all of the anger inside of me that i've kept bottled up inside me for so long.