take me down to the city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty
wuthering heights is a good movie. i was looking forward to it all week.. haha. it's pretty sad though.
this computer pisses me the hell off. i want to throw it out the window.
all i ate today was 3 apples. go me. lol. since i can't go on that sacred heart diet till next day if my mom buys the ingredients i want to go on some type of diet.. because if i don't i will continue to feel disgusting. i don't feel all that hungry but my stomach has been growling. sigh. let's see how long i can keep this up. i hope no one finds out about this.. but they probably will anyway. they always do. and i hate it. i understand they worry but it's my body too. it's the only thing i can control and no one can tell me what to do with it. no, i'm not planning on turning aneroxic or anything.. i've never considered myself as one even though a lot of people did. it never became really serious. i've never started to lose my hair or get sent to the hospital. i must admit that i do sort of have disorded eating habits though.. but it's nothing severe. i'm still healthy so i wish everyone would just bothering me. i just want to lose weight. i can't lose weight slowly.. like 1 or 2 lbs a week.. i've only done it once. it just doesn't do it for me. i'm very impatient. i have to have it done fast even though it's probably not the best way. i want to feel skinny again. i need to feel skinny again. i need like a diet buddy or something.. lol. any volunteers? i just need some more motivation.
i feel that for the past 3 years i've been striving to be the most gorgeous girl. there have been days where i felt like shit and just wanted to die.. i've felt so ugly. and other days i've felt pretty. why can't i feel that way every day? why can't my hair and make-up be perfect everyday? i'm so vain. why am i so obsessed with image? i feel that i have to be as beautiful as i can be. like that's why i live. there are so many girls at my school that are so much prettier than i am and i hate it.. how am i ever going to get noticed by that special someone? it wouldn't bother me so much if like only a few girls were prettier than me. i want to atleast be the top 10. but i'm not. i'm working so hard at it.. i want to be the epitome of perfection. i want to be that girl that turns heads and makes everyone say wow. but i'm not. it makes me wonder why things didn't work out with certain guys. i keep thinking that i'm not pretty enough. i'm over bryan but i keep thinking back to when he said that he didn't think we had that connection and that many things in common. somehow i don't think that's it. maybe it's because i'm not beautiful enough. i have felt like shit pretty much all this past summer. there was maybe one or two days that i felt pretty. there are reasons behind it but i don't really care to discuss. GOD. i fucking give up. i feel that my whole life has been some sort of fantasy or something. i can't explain it. i've just became so bitter and annoyed with everything. maybe i should go into anger management. hm.
i kind of feel like me and jessica are drifting apart. all she ever does on weekends is go out brandon. it's like he the only thing she cares about. she never hangs out with any of her friends. all she wants to do is go out with him. she says that friends mean much more to her than boyfriends do but i somehow have trouble finding truth in that. whenever i hung out with them this summer i always felt like the third wheel. they were always just hugging and kissing while i was there. i'm all for p.d.a. but do you really have to do that when your friend is there with you? i wouldn't do that ever. because i actually care about other people's feelings. whatever.
i should go to bed soon and just sleep off all this anger. it's driving me insane.
this computer pisses me the hell off. i want to throw it out the window.
all i ate today was 3 apples. go me. lol. since i can't go on that sacred heart diet till next day if my mom buys the ingredients i want to go on some type of diet.. because if i don't i will continue to feel disgusting. i don't feel all that hungry but my stomach has been growling. sigh. let's see how long i can keep this up. i hope no one finds out about this.. but they probably will anyway. they always do. and i hate it. i understand they worry but it's my body too. it's the only thing i can control and no one can tell me what to do with it. no, i'm not planning on turning aneroxic or anything.. i've never considered myself as one even though a lot of people did. it never became really serious. i've never started to lose my hair or get sent to the hospital. i must admit that i do sort of have disorded eating habits though.. but it's nothing severe. i'm still healthy so i wish everyone would just bothering me. i just want to lose weight. i can't lose weight slowly.. like 1 or 2 lbs a week.. i've only done it once. it just doesn't do it for me. i'm very impatient. i have to have it done fast even though it's probably not the best way. i want to feel skinny again. i need to feel skinny again. i need like a diet buddy or something.. lol. any volunteers? i just need some more motivation.
i feel that for the past 3 years i've been striving to be the most gorgeous girl. there have been days where i felt like shit and just wanted to die.. i've felt so ugly. and other days i've felt pretty. why can't i feel that way every day? why can't my hair and make-up be perfect everyday? i'm so vain. why am i so obsessed with image? i feel that i have to be as beautiful as i can be. like that's why i live. there are so many girls at my school that are so much prettier than i am and i hate it.. how am i ever going to get noticed by that special someone? it wouldn't bother me so much if like only a few girls were prettier than me. i want to atleast be the top 10. but i'm not. i'm working so hard at it.. i want to be the epitome of perfection. i want to be that girl that turns heads and makes everyone say wow. but i'm not. it makes me wonder why things didn't work out with certain guys. i keep thinking that i'm not pretty enough. i'm over bryan but i keep thinking back to when he said that he didn't think we had that connection and that many things in common. somehow i don't think that's it. maybe it's because i'm not beautiful enough. i have felt like shit pretty much all this past summer. there was maybe one or two days that i felt pretty. there are reasons behind it but i don't really care to discuss. GOD. i fucking give up. i feel that my whole life has been some sort of fantasy or something. i can't explain it. i've just became so bitter and annoyed with everything. maybe i should go into anger management. hm.
i kind of feel like me and jessica are drifting apart. all she ever does on weekends is go out brandon. it's like he the only thing she cares about. she never hangs out with any of her friends. all she wants to do is go out with him. she says that friends mean much more to her than boyfriends do but i somehow have trouble finding truth in that. whenever i hung out with them this summer i always felt like the third wheel. they were always just hugging and kissing while i was there. i'm all for p.d.a. but do you really have to do that when your friend is there with you? i wouldn't do that ever. because i actually care about other people's feelings. whatever.
i should go to bed soon and just sleep off all this anger. it's driving me insane.