You’ve got freedom of choice, not really…
***Stay tuned for a special Presidential Platform update***
Quick re-cap of last night: Apparently I’ve been given the drinking name…“El Bucho.” I saw some dude trying to be all big shit by pulling out a blunt. He lit it and it totally went up in flames. Eventually, we found out he stuffed the blunt with dryer lint. What. The. Fuck…I also signed up four female college Democrats for Votergasm. I wish I could say it was easy, but in the process I had to listen to the new Taking Back Sunday record on repeat. TWICE!
If you’re a politically correct sack of shit, then you might get offended by this. In that case, I STRONGLY encourage you watch this film clip. All I gotta say is if that was my kid, I’d beat some respect into him with the business end of my backhand if he acted like this. But since he’s not evidence of my bad parenting, it’s fucking hilarious: http://seanism.com/dlarea/?action=file&id=115
Read this: http://www.elitestv.com/pub/2004/Oct/EEN41618aa94e6d6.html . I’m furious that this old codger would try to degrade Erin Feehan-Nelson’s attempt to run for mayor of her Minnesota hometown. I feel a special bond with her because I’m trying to do the same thing, except I’m running for President of the United States. And let it be known that Joey Castillo shall head the FCC if I am elected Commander in Chief.
I don’t want to bore anyone with my P.P., so I’ll make this short and sweet. Behold the new Presidential seal of my campaign:
1) A constitutional amendment banning illegal displays of cellulite. You people have no shame. Any lapse of good conscience will be subject to an intense workout similar to the one in Carly’s fitness video. For life!!!
2) I promise to eradicate the United States nuclear weapons stockpile by using them on every single member of the United Nations. I firmly believe tax payers should get their monies worth when it comes to the use of nuclear arms.
3) Jerry Bruckheimer will no longer be allowed to make films. Instead he will be rotated around the country working at various Subway Delis. More lettuce, bitch!
4) With respect to education initiatives, no child will be left behind…we’ll leave them all behind.
5) January 23 will officially be National Fiesta & Sandwich day. This will be a time when the country gathers together to celebrate my birthday and make me sandwiches. The best sandwich wins a bag of watermelon gummies.
6) I will finally purchase a helicopter for personal travel. In honor of my Hispanic heritage it shall be called, Air Force Juan.
That is my P.P. Take it or leave it. I prefer you take it. I still need a Vice Presidential candidate. I’m not playing around either. If you want to turn this world into Fahrenheit 451, I’d be happy to help you do it.
FUCK! Now that I think about it, it was a bad idea to write about all the other shit before I presented more of my Presidential Platform. Oh well, no one takes me seriously anyway…